Comfort Food For Thought

My Blog Is Moving!!

2011-09-20T06:23:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to let everyone know that checks in here that I am moving my blog to my own personal website. I think it will be less confusing than jumping back and forth. When I started this blog, I did not have the website and now I do and the blog will just be one part of that site.

So, thank you for your faithful reading and encouragement! I will still be writing but just moving where you will be reading!

So, please follow me on over to here: www.aliciareagan.wordpress.com
God bless!
Alicia

Mommy, I’m Thirsty

2011-06-12T17:17:00.000-07:00

It is summertime around here and the whirl of our summer started long before the hot weather came! We have been so very busy with finishing school, trying to keep the household duties up, ministering in our church and traveling as the Lord has opened the doors for us to sing and share the testimony of what the Lord has allowed in our lives. I have enjoyed the days at home when there has been nothing on the schedule! The kids have been outside playing their little hearts out and the phrase that I have been hearing continually is “Mommy, I am thirsty!”

This week, I was with a dear friend who was hosting her Summer Spectacular ladies meeting. I took some of my ladies with me and we participated in that meeting. We were having a wonderful time and my friend did a dramatic telling of the story of Ruth and Naomi. She had memorized the first two chapters of Ruth, dressed up like Naomi and quoted the Scripture of that story like a professional actress. It was one of the most moving things I had seen in a long time.

At one point of the story, I was moved to tears. She had just quoted the portion of Scripture where Ruth was gleaning in Boaz’s field and he came and talked to her for the first time. The scene is set, and those of us who know and understand the story of Ruth, know that Boaz is a picture of Jesus Christ. He is our redeemer and all that is His, is ours through our relationship with Him. As my friend was telling this story, my heart was rejoicing in what this all meant to me and how thankful I was that the Lord loved me. And then, the story introduces Boaz and here is what he said to Ruth, “Then said Boaz unto Ruth, Hearest thou not, my daughter? Go not to glean in another field, neither go from hence, but abide here fast by my maidens: Let thine eyes be on the field that they do reap, and go thou after them: have I not charged the young men that they shall not touch thee? and when thou art athirst, go unto the vessels, and drink of that which the young men have drawn.”

When I heard those words, “go not to glean in another field, but abide here…and when thou art athirst, go unto the vessels, and drink of that which the young men have drawn” I felt so many emotions. My mind went to so many unhappy people - those who are bitter, sad, jealous, angry, judgmental or vindictive. My eye went the faces of many that look like they are having to endure life. My ears went to the sound of complaining and negative people whose words just zap your spirit right down. This part of the story has stayed on my heart and as I look around, I can see where I am also so guilty of not gleaning in my field and when I am thirsty, not drinking from the vessels that have been prepared for me.

I think so many times, we look to others for our gratification in life. We look to them and compare ourselves or we look to them to fill the thirsty spots in our lives. I know that as a wife, mother, Pastor’s wife, daughter, sister, and friend, I have often been guilty of looking at those roles, and the people who belong in those roles with me, to meet my needs. I need their praise, their admiration, their attention and their time or I am unfulfilled and normally end up unhappy at them as well as within myself. Like Ruth, I am alone, a stranger, hungry and thirsty. Christ owns the “field” of my life and longs for me to not go and try to glean in another field but to stay in His and when I am thirsty, He has prepared the vessel for me and I just have to go and drink. Unlike Ruth, I allow my happiness, my purpose, my identity, and my thoughts to be defined by a whole different set of fields and when I am thirsty I look to all of these different things to fill me.

I remember when I first became paralyzed, the thought that bothered me the most at the beginning was not if I would spend my life in a wheelchair or not. Those thoughts came later. I knew how hard everything was, I saw how hard my husband worked to help me, I knew we already had 5 children and I was expecting our 6th and I could not get my mind around the fact that I could not be the homemaker that I had been before. It was physically impossible to do some of the chores. My kitchen is not accessible and is very hard to cook in. Just use your imagination and see what all a 4ft. person could do in your kitchen! In the early days, I just couldn’t cook anything. I was very disturbed with the fact that I had become half of a woman. I couldn’t even get my child a drink of water when they asked for one.

I remember, after crying to my husband one frustrating evening, his sweet words of encouragement to me. He said, “Honey, I don’t need a housekeeper and I don’t need a cook. The children don’t need a mommy who can do everything. We just need you.” Those words healed me. What he was saying to me, was that they were not fulfilled by what I could do for them. They were fulfilled with just paralyzed-in-a-wheelchair me! We can be fulfilled in our lives by Jesus Christ alone not by what others can or should do for us. Jesus stands by us, telling us that He has all we need, to please stay in His field and glean, to come to Him when we are thirsty and that will be enough to nourish us physically, spiritually and emotionally.

I still have trouble getting my children a drink of water, but I am so glad that I can teach them who can quench the thirsts of their hearts. I will never hear the words “Mommy, I’m thirsty” without being reminded, like Ruth, to “stay and glean in the fields” and to “drink from the vessels” that have been provided to me through Jesus Christ.

God Made These Bumps

2011-03-21T19:20:00.001-07:00

I took my sweet little Macey to the doctor today. It was just me and her. She sat in the front seat next to me as she wanted to be near me. Bless her heart, she felt so bad. Her tonsisl are all big and swollen and she moaned everytime she swallowed. I wanted to hold her hand as we drove but I couldn't because I need both of my hands to drive!

As we were coming back home, we took Highway 247. This road has been named "The Roller Coaster Road" by our family because of its many dips and turns. Some of the dips are very fun to drive over as they move your stomach up into your throat. On a normal trip, the children squeal with delight as I love to hit those hills just a little hard to scare them to death!

Today as we were driving home, I knew Macey was feeling bad so I was taking it easy on that road. We went over the best spot and Macey had a little smile on her face. Actually, it was one of the few smiles I have seen all day on my normally bubbly girl. As she smiled, she looked over at me and said, "God made those bumps, I just know it." I smiled and said, "Yes, honey, He did."

I got to thinking about that the rest of my drive home. "Did God make those bumps?" Well, technically, the road crew made them. But God did make the hills, and he made men with the ability to carve those roads out. So, in a round about way, I was telling Macey the truth. God did make those bumps. I also started thinking about how fun it is to go over those bumps. I love that feeling you get in your stomach. My hubby, on the other hand, does not! I remembered how in our recent airplane flight, the turbulence and bumps that we felt in the air. I did not like those bumps! My hubby seemed calm as a cucumber and my stomach was feeling very nervous! However, the same God that made the fun bumps made those bumps too.

Why do I like road bumps but not air bumps? Because on the road bumps, I am in control and so it is fun. On the air bumps, I am very much out of control so it is scary. Isn't that just like life? We think, as we travel along, that we are so very much in control and we handle the little bumps along the way as no big deal because we've got it all covered. But when we hit a bump that shows us that we are completely out of control, then we are scared to death.

Let us all remember, my dear friends, that God made these bumps in our lives. Maybe He didn't initiate all of them, but He has allowed them so in a round about way, He is still in control of every single bump we hit. We need these bumps because we need Him. We aren't in control of anything. He is in control of everything and always has been. The fearful times are when this truth is revealed to us and we need that reminder. Otherwise, we are cocky and self-centered and are quite sure that we have the world by the tail.

I need Him. You need Him. Yes, I agree with Macey. "God made these bumps. I just know it."

Summer and Winter

2011-02-17T14:00:00.001-08:00

Since the day is absolutely beautiful outside, and since my hubby just preached a tremendous sermon, this post is dedicated to the topic he preached on. It won't be long but it was just too good to pass up. It blessed my heart and I pray it will your too.

The winter here in Ohio, and across much of the U.S., has been a long one this year! I do not like the cold. It sets my "trying-to-wake-up" nerves on fire and the cold leaves me in a lot of weird pain. One minute I am being stabbed internally by a knife, another minute I am being burnt to the bone by a giant blow torch, another minute I am being shocked by an electrical wire and another minute someone is rubbing me down with sand paper. Of course, these things aren't literally happening to me but such is some of the descriptions of paralysis and nerve pain. It happens all the time, but for me, the cold just amplifies it ten-fold! I am VERY tired of the cold and after several months, you get extremely weary and it is very hard to fight the blues!

Last Sunday, my hubby preached a sermon from Psalm 74:17 called "Thou Hast Made Summer and Winter". Oh my, what a message and it is exactly what this frost-bitten heart needed! He talked about how much more we appreciate the summer times of our lives after we have been through a hard winter. How that if we lived in the summer and beautiful weather all the time we would shrivel up and die. It is the falling snow of winter that adds nutrients back into the soil and prepares the ground for a greater increase.

Today as I look at this beautiful sunshine and am soaking in the pure pleasure of warmness and less pain, I know that he is right. I am enjoying this day so immensely because of the hard winter. We do not realize how selfish we have become in the summer times of our lives, until we face a winter. It is then we realize how much more we should appreciate the beautiful days of our lives!

So, my friends, join me in appreciating every single day and living it to the fullest and to the glory of our great God who created both summer and winter!

For Better, For Worse

2011-02-14T08:02:00.000-08:00

“For better, for worse, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish…” These are words that my Valentine and I spoke to each other in a covenant to God on December 4, 1998. We meant them that day as much as our hearts could mean them. He was my prince who had made all my dreams come true and I was his princess. Our home was established that romantic evening and our desire to stay faithful to one another and to God was burning in our hearts.

Life started and moved on. God called him away from the financial industry into the ministry. Children came and we even located away from our families where God called us to serve. We have had our ups and downs as every couple has as life gives you new adjustments. Some things we handled properly and some things we did not. All of those times were stepping stones in the path of married life that you learn from. Through all of that, our desire to be committed to one another and to our Lord stayed true.

The biggest challenge of our marriage came in March of 2009 when I became paralyzed. We are so thankful that our marriage was strong when that trial came into our lives because if it wasn’t, I just don’t know what may have happened. Everything that had been established as the “Reagan Home” was completely turned upside down. Suddenly becoming childlike and needing assistance in simple things like dressing, bath rooming, bathing and putting your shoes on to the simplest forms of romance – like no longer being able to hold hands as you walk together became so confusing and redefined our ideas of what our relationship was. No one wants a marriage to seem like parenting where one constantly takes care of the needs of others. But such is a marriage many times when one becomes disabled.

There were a few times that we both would just sit and cry. We were frustrated trying to understand all of these new things. Selfishness reared its ugly head as Jimmy and I both were trying to get a grip around our new roles in life. We discovered that although I am the one that became paralyzed and people notice me because I am sitting in that wheelchair, the disability belongs to both of us. His life changed as drastically as mine. His role in our disability doesn’t involve sitting in a wheelchair, living every day with pain, and not physically being able to be involved in things you once loved. However, his day involves not only the demands of the ministry, but also one of helping me all day long. Our marriage developed a new psychological and emotional layer that we had never before had to deal with. We both learned that there were new ways to meet each other’s needs, physically and emotionally, and we chose to dwell on the joy of discovery instead of the disappointment and frustration of what we had lost.

I love my Jimmy. He is my “gem” – a rare jewel above and beyond those who boast of their manhood. You want a man? Here you go. My man washes all the dishes in this house – I physically cannot reach my sink. My man washes all the laundry. I can’t even reach the knobs. He washes and dries and brings them to me and I fold. The children put away. My man brings me a cup of tea every morning. My man helps me cook meals and put things in and out of the oven. My man loads and unloads a wheelchair in the sunshine, the rain and the freezing cold. I have a lot of trouble regulating my temperature now so my man will sweat so that I won’t be cold. My man will physically put me to bed when I am too tired to make the transfer. Although I have now learned to be independent and do almost everything, he will do things for me anyway just to make my life a little easier.

Why would my Valentine do these things - knowing that this is it? For good. Permanent. No getting over the flu here and being normal again. Why? Why would we fight so hard to not only survive in our marriage but to desire it to thrive? Because this is love. A giving of yourself unselfishly as Christ did for us. This is keeping a promise that we made to God and to each other 12 years ago. “For better, for worse, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish…”

But If Not

2011-02-05T09:27:00.000-08:00

I am nearing my 2 year anniversary of being paralyzed. It will be March 12. The "paralysis" statistic they tell you is that whatever you have gained back at your 2 year mark is about where you will stay the rest of your life. Hearing these words at this point of the game can almost hit that giant red panic button that exists somewhere in our brains. You feel like you are racing a giant clock and that your life depends on winning! Of course, that is one perspective. The other perspective is one that I find much more comforting and have chosen to take.

When you have lived your entire life trying to serve God, following His Word, and even giving your life to full-time ministry teaching others about Him, then you grab on to all those verse of promise that you shall prosper, He will bless you, and you assume from that that life will be peaches and cream. Sure, trials can come, but God will get you through them and all will be fine again! Well, that is fine, until you feel that you didn't get through that trial. That loved one is sick, you are in God's will so you prayed and they died anyway. So many people choose to kill their babies, not wanting them, but you want your baby and you will raise it to love God, but your baby dies. You have been told that you have very little time to live and you know God can heal you but what if you die anyway? You are paralyzed and you see people who recover and are walking around but you aren't - and they aren't even trying to live for God!

These are all very real thoughts and maybe are afraid to utter lest anyone would then accuse us that our faith isn't strong enough and that is probably why we haven't experienced healing. There is nothing that can upset me more, then for people to tell me to just have more faith. The reason it upsets me is not because it makes me mad at them. It truly upsets me for them. I fear for their own thoughts if they ever have to go through something major.

I assure you, if you love God, then know one has more "faith" than the person who is in the midst of their trial. No one will pray harder for their child to live than the parents. No one will pray harder to live then the one who knows they are dying. No one will pray harder to be made whole than the one with the disability. You know how much faith you have in what God can do and when the outcome happens, that is against what you prayed, the strong faith that you had in God to answer your prayers, turns to strong doubt in this God that you had trusted. You feel betrayed, let down, forsaken and although you dare not say it, you wonder how real this all is. Why didn't He help me when I needed Him the very most?

I think that one of the greatest things that I have learned, is that my faith is not in what God can do, but in Who He is. God is God and I do not know the way that He chooses. I do not understand why these things happen. I know He is able to do whatever He wants but that is not where my faith is. My faith is in Him and that involves trusting Him when the outcome doesn't go my way. It involves trusting Him that He has a much bigger plan and He has invited me to partake of His plan by using me in a role that I had not counted on.

One of my favorite Bible stories is that of the three Hebrew children. They were about to be thrown into the fiery furnace because they would not worship the king's idol. The King warned them again to bow or they would die. Here is their reply "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up." This sums it up so beautifully. We know our God is able, but if not, in other words, if He decides a different way to bring Himself glory though my life, or through my death, then that is okay. We will stay faithful to Him anyway.

For me and my situation, I know that God can heal me. I know that He can make me walk again or not. But it isn't my faith or lack of it that decides this. Surrender says "It is not up to me, it is up to Him." Do I have my own desires and wishes? Well, of course. But my deepest desire is that I can be used of God. If He thinks He can use me better in this chair, then who am I to pray otherwise? When my thoughts go away from this, then that is the time that I re-evaulate if I am truly yielded to God's will or not. Some days I am, and some days I am not. It is a daily choice to choose God.

My dear friends, this is such an important key. We cannot answer the hard questions of life but we can trust Him. We know we serve a God that can, but if not, we serve a God Who is and we can rest in the fact that He is working in our lives to bring Him glory. Do not beat yourself up for "not having enough faith". It is not the quantity of our faith that matters - it is that our faith is in God alone, in Who He is, the Master and Creator of the universe, and He knows. We just trust Him no matter what.

He has an individual plan for every life. Trust Him with yours!

The Battle of Independence

2011-01-20T11:39:00.000-08:00

“It is a good thing that I did not become paralyzed, I would enjoy it too much and lay around and do nothing.” These words, or some like them, have been echoed to me many different times since I became a paraplegic. I always give a smile and say, “No you wouldn’t” and think that I am right. Whether I am or not I don’t know. This battle for independence. I think some of it does depend on your personality but a lot of it comes from an inward drive where your body knows you can never be totally independent, but your heart says “watch me try!”

I was thinking about a man that I know. He has some mental handicaps and although he lives alone, he requires monitoring and assistance with daily challenges. His guardian was talking to me about how stubborn he can be. I know this man and I know she is right! He desires to make decisions and be in control but he just can’t quite do it. That must be frustrating.

For myself, I know how very hard I push to do everything by myself. I always tell my husband that he better let me do it all now because when I get old, someone else will probably have too! I don’t want “pushed”. I am capable of doing that myself! I don’t want you to get the door for me. I can open a door for you and get in myself! I don’t want you to help me get in a car. I can do it so please leave me alone! I don’t want you to carry me up the stairs. It must somehow be easier to get out, pull my body up step after step and arrive at the top justified that I did it all alone.

I may have accomplished those things by myself, but I was probably foolish doing it. I am all for being independent, but I would have thanked you for opening that door when I was walking so just what am I trying to prove? Before I sound vicious, I want you to understand that I don’t ever tell people to stop pushing me, get out of my way, or put me down. I smile graciously and thank them. It is just the thoughts inside my head that I am now confessing to!

I can get from the floor up into my chair by myself. I have swam a little excessively this week so my back and upper body are in quite a bit of pain and worn out so I couldn’t get in my chair last night. I had a friend nearby who I asked to give me a boost. It killed me to have to ask her! This was something I could do - and I had to have help!! The thought of being dependent, of needing help, was really hard on my independent spirit!

I find a fascinating correlation between this and my spiritual life. You know, there are some things that God requires of us - a sort of spiritual independence. He says to “choose you this day whom ye will serve.” Hey, that’s up to me! But then He offers His help saying “I will bless them that bless me.” He says to “Be strong…” - I can handle that because I think I am tough! Then it says “…in the Lord” - now that’s a different story. That puts my strength in being dependent on Him. We are told that the great King David of old “encouraged himself” - see, grab yourself by the bootstraps and get with the program! Then it says how he did that “…in the Lord.” That involved dependence again. Philippians 4:13 says “I can do all things…” - we like that don’t we? But then it finishes with “…through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

You see, my friend, this battle of independence goes beyond my physical challenges. It affects my relationship to God also. I am given an independent choice to serve God, to trust God, to stay faithful to God, to rejoice in the Lord, to surrender my life, my plans and my wishes to my Maker. Yet through all of those independent choices, there is a realization that I can do none of those things without depending on God and allowing His strength to compensate for my weaknesses.

I desire to be independent in my daily life. I desire to do everything I can without anyone else helping me. I desire to live as normally as I did before my wheelchair and I became partners. But I also realize that there are times that this just isn’t realistic and I will have to feel dependent and “less” as a person and I need to learn to be okay with that too.

So, it is in my spiritual life. I desire to trust God, to be strong, to have faith, to serve without question, to be okay with a less-than-perfect body and all the complications that go with that, and to keep on smiling without a quiver. But sometimes this isn’t realistic either and I find myself weary, fearful, questioning and grumbly! This is exactly the point that I am reminded that I am not spiritually independent for without Him I can do nothing!

May God help me to surrender in the battle for independence and depend on Him!

Snow!

2010-12-11T19:39:00.000-08:00

Since I have joined the club of wheelchair users, one common thing that many of us hate is snow! It's wet and cold and nasty and it gets all over your tires and then the tires throw it all over your lap and clothes. Your sleeves stay wet from pushing, you can't roll through the thick stuff and you get stuck, the ramps are icy and you have no control over your chair. Someone is normally hanging on the the back of your chair so that you don't crash down an icy ramp and this does not help our pride in independence! We have poor circulation and once you get chilled you can hardly warm up at all. Please take note that this is why we have blankets around our legs! It's just nasty and awful!! This is my second winter in a chair and as I was looking at our snow the other day, I thought about how pretty it was. I also thought about how that was my first fond thought of snow since I had become paralyzed. I have not converted so much that I love to be in the snow, but I have learned how to deal with it a little better.

There is something about looking outside with a fresh coat of snow all over the ground. Everything looks so clean...so sparkly...so unified. The normal view of the outside is full of colors and textures. The rough greens and browns of a winter yard, the dirty gray of asphalt, and the many different variations of bushes, sidewalks, gravel, and yard ornaments are a rainbow of colors. But when it snows, something magical happens. Everything that I had become accustomed to looking at in a certain way has now been completely transformed. There is suddenly a simplicity that has taken over my outside environment. Everything has been covered with whiteness and it is all so beautiful and quite breathtaking. It makes you pause a little bit longer at the window as you look out admiring what has just happened.

Life can be like this you know. When something major happens that completely changes your view of life as you had always known it, don't resent it. Look at it as a new opportunity to simplify, to be given a clean slate to start over, to pause just a bit longer over the little things and savor that moment. Don't get bogged down in hate over the details....find the beauty in your life and hold on to that. While your at it, go make some new and unique tracks of your own in that snow!

Stand!

2010-10-24T13:59:00.000-07:00

I have been sitting for a little over 19 months now. One thing that has never ceased to catch my attention, is when I see or hear the word "stand". There are many hymns that talk about standing, verses that talk about standing (373 to be exact), and the word is used many times in the church service - "Let's all stand and sing...", "Remain standing for a word of prayer", "Let's all stand in honor of the reading of God's Word". This word always catches my attention. At the beginning of my wheelchair journey, a lump in my throat was always present with that word. I have long gotten past the lump in my throat, by I have not gotten beyond noticing the word "stand".

As I have been progressing in therapy, they ask what my goals are. Yesterday, it was time for another assessment and they asked me again. Of course, my goals have evolved as I have, and I have never said "Duh, to walk", although I have been tempted! Instead, I have tried to keep my goals realistic but a little out of reach to keep giving me focus and the drive to keep working hard in therapy. But yesterday, I took a chance and proclaimed "I want to stand!" Not with braces and hunks of metal holding me up, not with holding up all my weight in my arms, but to stand on my own legs and let them hold the weight of my body. I could list a zillion ways that would make life so much easier but I will spare you. My therapist became very quiet so I timidly said "Is that too high of a goal?" He said, "Well, we will certainly work hard to try won't we?"

Things like this in life really grab my attention. The Lord uses these kind of things in my life to make an impression on my mind. This morning, as I woke up and tried to move, I was stiff and full of pain. Even the knuckles on my hands hurt! My therapist had taken me seriously yesterday and we worked very hard. I lay here in the bed this morning and tried to get this crazy body of mine to start moving and started thinking. "Why would anyone in their right mind continue to go back and be put through this again? Why do I continue to try and try and try? Would it be easier to just stop and be done with all of this?" Then, I start trying to wiggle my toes and I watch them move up and down. I remember when they wouldn't do that. I roll over and remember when I couldn't do that without help. I start doing my exercises and watch my muscles jumping and spasming like crazy as they are trying there hardest to remember what to do. I sit up on the side of the bed and reach over and get something. I remember when I fell out a few times doing that because of horrible balance. I transfer out of my bed and into my chair with ease and remember how very hard that used to be. By the time I made it to the shower, where the hot water will relax my stiff and painful body, I am renewed in my commitment that I will be in my place at therapy on Monday morning. I have gained too much to give up now.

You may be wondering where I am going with this. I will tell you. Many times we get so very weary in life. We go through painful experiences and we are tempted to quit. It is just too hard. It is not worth the grief it is causing me. You may feel like this in your marriage, your home, your job, your ministry, or maybe even to God Himself. Before you quit, my dear friends, look back. Look at where the Lord has brought you from. Look at how He has worked in your life. Look at the influence you have had on people's lives. Look at the opportunities you have been given. Don't quit.

Join me in my goal - one that I desire physically, but more than that, I desire it spiritually. Let's stand!

Broken!

2010-10-02T07:17:00.000-07:00

Babies and glassware - never a good combination! I had a special little baby visiting at my house the other day and I forgot to put up a "pretty" that should have been in my china cabinet. The adorable little baby was proud of the possession that she found and as she carried it into the room to show us, she dropped it and it broke. As I consoled the baby's mother, I said "Oh don't worry about it! I can superglue it, put it up in the cabinet and no one will ever see that it was broken."

Later that day, something rared up that reminded me once again of my physical limitations. I had this deep desire to punch my useless legs and growl in frustration! In my moment of self-pity, I thought how when people get a virus they are miserable and can't wait to get well. Once they are "normal" again, all the memories of their misery get diminished and they go their merry way. But when you have a permanent disability, you aren't allowed that luxury. You must deal with your trouble every single day. Suddenly though, that broken platter flashed through my mind. I immediately wished for disability superglue to fix my problems! Then I could sit on my shelf and look normal again. Wait a minute! Sit on my shelf and look normal? Have I learned nothing through my brokenness? Do I want to erase all that? No, I don't. Who get's to decide normal anyway? Maybe normal is realizing that we are all broken somewhere and sometimes in life, there are no permanent fixes. Maybe normal is being comfortable, maybe not physically as we deal with real pain, but emotionally. Comfortable in the new me and the new opportunities it may allow me in life. Maybe those who are truly broken are the ones who perceive themselves as completely normal and in need of no help in their lives.

Thanks to my broken pretty, it taught me something. I will not sit on a shelf and try to "look" normal and be of no use. I will BE normal! I will take my brokenness and allow it to be a visual reminder to me that only I get to decide what truly being normal is. Others should not get that freedom in my life. Broken? Well, physically, yes. Some parts do not work like they were designed to work. But broken and useless? No way!

And for my broken pretty? I don't think I will put it away and let it look good. I think I will display it - to thank if for the lesson it taught me!

Be Still

2010-09-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

I had a long talk with my cousin today. His name is Scott and he is younger than me. Scott was born with Cerebral Palsy and has dealt with a disability his entire life. As a little boy, he was my buddy. I always felt sorry for him because you could see in his eyes that he wanted to go out and run and play with his twin brother but he couldn't keep up. So, I would always play with Scott and try to keep him entertained. There were a few times I probably just about killed him trying to figure out ways to give him his own thrills. Once, he owned a little tiny red wheelchair and I started calling him "Jehu and his fiery chariot".

I grew up, went to college and Scott grew up too. We have stayed in loose contact all of these years and any time we were together, we would bond once again. However, since I have become paralyzed, Scott and I belong to the same club. We have a tighter bond than we have ever had. Scott told me today that we were always close, but he feels so much closer to me now and I have to agree with him as my feelings reflect the same. We talk on the phone quite often and I always look forward to his calls.

Scott has a beautiful singing voice and loves music. He feels called of God to share about his disability in message and song. He has written several songs and I will include one about disability at the end of this article. He made a statement today though that really caught my ear. He was telling me about a sermon that he was preparing and he was talking about the verse "Be still and know that I am God." He said "Alicia, we should learn from this. Those of us with disabilities should be among the first to do this because we know what it means to be still and be limited in our activity."

I just can't get that thought off of my mind this evening so I just had to write it and share. Scott is right. It is true. Who are the greatest prayer warriors? Those little shut-in's that can't do much more than sit up and breathe. Who are the ones who make a great impact on our lives? Those who have been stopped dead in their tracks and could only go on because of that still small voice. Who are the ones whose wisdom we long to hear? Those who have been to the darkest recesses and have found that even in the terrifying shadows, when we don't dare move or whisper because of the fear, that God was there and comforted them.

Oh how my heart is convicted. It seems that I always have something to prove. Something to pursue. Something to permeate my thoughts and keep my mind busy so that I do not dwell on my problems. I need to stop and dwell on the stillness of my legs - not to brood in self-pity, but in a thankful heart for this gift of stillness that God has allowed me to have as a reminder to listen and to know that He is my God.
Dear God, help me to be still.

Scott's Song:
He Walks For Me
Verse 1:
When I was a child I longed to play, with my friends and loved ones I wanted to stay,
But my mother said "No son you cannot go, for your body for them is much to slow".
Chorus:
Oh mother can't you see He walks for me, through the wind and the rain, He's still the same,
He is my rock and fortress each day, dear mother, can't you see He walks for me.
Verse 2:
Over two thousand years my Savior died, much pain He bore when they pierced His side.
And my burdens were too heavy for me to bear, my Savior walked up, my cross He shared.
Chorus:
Oh friend can't you see He walks for me, through the wind and the rain, He's still the same.
He is my rock and fortress each day, oh friend, can't you see He walks for me
Tag:
If you have a need, He'll walk for thee.

I Pity The Puppets

2010-09-11T20:04:00.000-07:00

At therapy, I have been using a harness system that dangles you from a large metal frame and they crank a percentage of your body weight off. Every time they crank me up, I think that I know what if feels like to be a puppet! You are kind of just hanging there and waiting to "perform" whatever tasks the therapists tell me to do.

There is quite a helpless feeling as a puppet. You can't get up by yourself, your tied to all of these "ropes", you cannot move about freely, and you can't get down by yourself. Oh sure, while you are "performing" you look pretty good and amazing! But just wait until the ropes are gone - the puppet lies crumpled in a heap. At least I have my chair to land in!

My husband and I have been talking lately in regards to raising our children. How we want our children to be students of the Word of God. We want them to know not only what they believe but why they believe it. We were challenged by some friend's of ours who play devil's advocate with their children. They ask them Bible questions and then have them prove their answer with Scripture only - not opinion. It has really made us think.

I see such a deficit in this - not just among children (mine included), but among our grown-ups, our spiritual leaders, our pastor's and teachers. Many times we just parrot what we have always been told but if someone were to really put our feet to the fire about certain things we hold so fast to, we end up stuttering with some lame answer to get us off the very uncomfortable hook we have managed to get caught on.

Please don't misunderstand me, I am not advocating a reversal of everything we have been taught. Quite the opposite! What I am challenged to do is to really figure out what I believe and why. If I can't give a biblical reason for the why's, then I have completely weakened my belief to others. They will view it as just opinion and no different than the right to their own. Except they will probably just keep their own opinion by not being compelled by any greater authority which should be the Word of God. This is important to others but is is of upmost importance to our children.

I wonder how Pinocchio felt when he changed from a puppet into a human. How freeing! How liberating! How wonderful to not be controlled by other people!

As a Christian, I am not to be controlled by external "ropes" but by the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. That is an internal work and is extremely liberating because I am not jerked about by everyone who desires to "pull my chain."

The Lesson:
Simple. I pity the puppets.

Go To The Ant

2010-09-11T20:03:00.002-07:00

Our family shared a cook-out the other evening with some friends. We were all sitting outside around the campfire enjoying the late evening and the slightly cool breeze.

The fire started to get a little low so our host threw a new log onto the fire. It was a great big round log that had been out in the sun and was all gray and crackly and immediately the flames licked all around it and up through the center of it. We remarked on what a perfect log that was for our campfire. Suddenly, we noticed so many large black ants scurrying out of somewhere in that log and they were frantically looking for a way to escape the heat. The log was in the center of the fire and they kept racing all around the same areas not knowing where to go. They were doomed for certain destruction had a little 9 year old boy, my son Caleb, not saw their fate. His heart was broken that the ants could not escape so he found a large stick and made a bridge from the log to the side of the stone ring that encircled the campfire. Immediately, the ants found the stick and their escape.

I watched and as that plot unfolded before my eyes, this verse popped into my head "How shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation;..." . Hebrews 2:3a Silently, I thanked the Lord for saving my soul and becoming that bridge for me between hell and heaven.

After thanking the Lord for saving my soul, I then thought about the fiery trials that we go through - even as believers! The Lord is just as much as a bridge for us in our fiery trials and the continuing in our faith as He was the bridge to save my soul. Again, I silently thanked the Lord for not only rescuing my soul from hell, but for being my Rescuer every time I am in the midst of the fire.

The Lesson:

I do not have to run around frantically with nowhere to turn in my life. I do not have to be consumed by the fiery trials that we may be in the middle of. Jesus Christ has provided a way of escape - for my soul and for my life. If you do not know what it means to have your soul rescued from the eternal fires of hell, then please write me and I would love to share with you.

If you know that you will spend eternity in Heaven, and have already trusted Jesus Christ as that bridge for your soul, then don't let the things you go through in your life derail you. Keep your eyes on Jesus, call out to Him and trust Him that He will deliver you! We are not only conquerors through Christ, we are MORE than conquerors!!

"And the LORD, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8

My Confession

2010-09-11T20:03:00.001-07:00

Alright, I will admit something. I have this obsessive compulsive thing going on with my feet! I am forever wanting to make sure that they are sitting straight on my footplate. I don't want them to be crooked. They have to be perfectly side by side, toes pointing straight, and feet even. I don't even want one foot sticking out farther than the other one! Of course, every bump you hit, every wheelie you pop or every transfer you make and there your feet go - doing their own thing and completely messing up my system. I think, somewhere in the back of my head, as I stare down at my feet adjusting them once again for the umpteenth time, that I think I "look" more normal if my feet are straight!

You know, from my perspective, it is important to me that my feet are straight because that is what I see when I look down at me. However, from your perspective, you are seeing an entire person sitting in a wheelchair and I am sure you are not the least interested or impressed if my feet are straight or not. I obviously look like there is some sort of problem from your perspective because I am sitting in this chair! Believe it or not, I sometimes forget the big picture here!

The Lesson

So many times it is too easy to pick out the little things in people's lives that annoy us. We get bogged down in the little unimportant pettiness of it all and we obsess about it! That is all we want to talk about, that is all that consumes our minds, and that is the problem of the hour that we must solve!

Seems to me, we probably ought to take a step back and look at ourselves with a different perspective. We need to realize that while we may be obsessing over this pettiness in someone's life, someone may be looking at us and thinking we have a few things we could work on too!

I want to view my life as God views me and let God take care of everyone else too. I have enough to work on taking care of just plain ole' me - like adjusting my feet!:)

My Relationship To My Chair

2010-09-11T20:02:00.001-07:00

Since my wheelchair is one of the first things you see upon meeting me, I thought we should get a clear understanding of the relationship between me and my chair.

The months before I woke up paralyzed, my legs had been getting weaker and weaker. It had gotten to the point where I could only walk around about 15 minutes or so before I would get large numb patches in my legs. my balance would go haywire, and I would feel like I was wading through concrete. We would go to a store as a family and I would sit pitifully on a bench while Jimmy and the children would get our stuff. Jimmy would try to get me to let him push me in a store wheelchair and I would say "ABSOLUTELY NOT!"

I remember one particular day in Wal-Mart, Jimmy and I had a major argument. Witnessed by the shopping carts and 5 little sets of eyes, he was determined to push me and I was determined it wasn't going to happen. I remember telling him that I would rather feel pathetic all alone on that bench then LOOK pathetic in that...that...that chair!!

When I woke up paralyzed on March 12, 2009, it occured to me in the weeks that followed that I would be living my life in one of those chairs! Over time, as i have used this chair, my relationship with it has changed. This chair is no longer something I "use". I am not "confined" to this chair. I "cling" to this chair!! It is no longer an accessory for me - it is part of me! It helps to define what and who Alicia Reagan is.

I have developed some strong opinions about my chair. I don't want people pushing "me", I don't want people leaning on "me", I want my personal zone acknowledged or I might accidentally "step" on your toes! This chair is my legs! It does not hinder me - it allows me freedom!!

In fact, I have this recurring dream. I dream all the time that I am sitting on the couch, or on a church bench, or at a restaurant and everyone gets up to leave and I can't find my wheelchair. I am always panicked in my dream asking everyone "where is my chair?!" Even in my subconscious mind I know my chair and I should not be separated!

The Lesson:
So many times we look at the Word of God as an accessory. WE look at it as something necessary for old or weak people. We acknowledge that is is a helpful thing in our lives but we would rather sit on the bench of our lives feeling pathetic, then to humble ourselves and be helped.

Many times, it is at the point of our lives when we have nothing else to cling to that we finally turn to God's Word for answers. It takes something major for us to realize that God's Word and it's teachings are not there to hinder us in our lives but to lead us to freedom in Christ!

How much greater if our Bible was not something that we just "use" but something that is part of us. Something we depend on and cling to so much that we get some strong emotions about it and even in our subconscious minds we would dwell on. Something that becomes so real in our life, it is a part of us and defines who and what we are.

My prayer for you, my friends, and for me is that our relationship with the Word of God will change and deepen as we live a life using it every day!

What The Future Looks Like

2010-07-22T13:28:00.000-07:00

I received my new full leg braces a few weeks ago. They have taught me how to get up and down in them at the parallel bars and how to take steps and walk with them. Braces do not help you walk - they keep your legs from buckling and from falling down. Once you are up, you can just stand there (while hanging on because I have zero balance) or you can learn to try and get those legs to go forward. Here is how that works. You lean all your weight to one leg which allows you to raise your hip and kind of throw it forward. Your hip muscles are connected to your ab muscles so a lot of the hip throwing comes from my abs. I know because my stomach is always SO sore after I do this. I do have a little bit of hip strength but the majority comes from my abs.

After having used these braces at home for a couple weeks now with my own parallel bars, it has become VERY clear to me that my thoughts about them are not quite accurate. I really thought that once I got them, I could use them at my kitchen sink to stand or maybe go around the house some but maybe not in public or whatever. My parallel bars are about 8 feet long and by the time I go down them twice, I am done. Well, not me - I feel like I want to keep going and going, but my legs will just not go anymore. I tell them to go and lean and do everything I am supposed to do, but they just won't move.

Also, the parallel bars are very steady. A walker is NOT! It is tipsy and makes me feel like I am falling over all the time. I can't even breathe the wrong way or over I go! Also, the braces are very heavy and bulky. I cannot transfer out of my chair onto anything because they are too heavy and bulky. They pull me into the floor!

So.....I got my nerve up to ask them on Monday how realistic these braces are and will I be walking with them or not. I really already knew in my heart what I felt but thought I may be wrong.

They told me that, realistically, no, I would not be walking in them. They said that there are a few people who have mastered walking with them but they had more hip movement then I do. They also said that you have muscles for strength and muscles for endurance. They explained this by saying that they could go out and try to run a marathon without being trained for it, and within a few minutes their muscles would be saying "we are done, we cannot run any more!" However, they can walk around all day and be fine because their muscles have the endurance to walk because they are trained for that. Their goal with me is to push me past my endurance level at every session (which is why I come home so tired!). They hope that over time, my endurance level will come up even if the strength doesn't come up. If that were the case, then braces would be more effective for walking with them. They said I have come a long way in one year (when I first started therapy, I could do absolutely nothing in any muscle) and that a lot can still happen but it is a very long and slow process. They said when the spinal cord is damaged, it takes a very long time to heal and you really never know if it stops healing or not. You can only try to keep retraining those nerves and muscles and hope for results.

The reason I am sharing all of this with you? First of all, because every one of you has been so sweet and encouraging along the way and have shared that you want updated so I have tried to be faithful to do that for you. Secondly, because when the general population hears the words "I took steps at the parallel bars with my braces" or "I can move my toes" or "I feel pain deep in my legs", then they automatically assume that you will be up and about just like the old days in no time and it just isn't so. There is much involved and it is extremely complicated and part of how I want to use all this in my life, is to help explain in as simple terms as I can, the actual process and how it all works.

For the record, I am not upset about what I was told on Monday. I am at peace with living my life from this chair and long to reflect Christ in my life. I want to do my part in recovery, but whatever God does with the rest is up to Him. God is good!

Thank you for your faithfulness and interest in my life. Let's all keep serving Him!

Whew.....!!

2010-06-25T13:55:00.000-07:00

I recently was alarmed by something. I thought I had gained weight!! I have no ability to weigh myself, so I have to depend on other clues. Just for the record, not being able to weigh myself would be a definite perk to paralysis!

My clothes seemed to be fitting me the same, my face really didn't look any puffier, my legs were only swelling in the evenings, so what was causing this problem that made me think I was getting fatter? I was having a VERY hard time pushing myself up any incline. My ramp out front, my driveway that slopes up, even just pushing across carpet was SO much harder!! I knew I have been faithfully working out my upper body and so my pushing should be easier - not harder! So, I concluded that I must be putting on weight somewhere and was getting heavier and did not know it.

I had just about decided to give up my ice cream for the summer (which is a MAJOR sacrifice for me) when I discovered something. I do "wheelchair push-ups" where you put your hands on the top of your tires and "push up" lifting your backside off the seat for a minute or two to give yourself pressure relief. It also helps relieve a tiny bit of pain for me in my hips. I do it quite often without even thinking about it. This day when I did it, I realized that the tires felt a tiny bit squishy under my hands. Nothing major, the tires didn't look low or anything, but I decided to ask a guy in my church who had an air compressor if he would add a little air to my tires.

My tires are supposed to hold between 85-110 pounds of pressure and they had about 45 in them!! He inflated them to the proper amount and I headed home. I could not believe the difference!! I whizzed up my driveway, whizzed up my sidewalk ramp, popped into the door of my house and right on in the living room. I suddenly felt 50 pounds lighter. I was ecstatic!! The ice cream could stay!!!

Over these last few days, it has amazed me how that loss of air could cause me such discomfort and trouble! Obviously, I know a flat tire is a problem (been there, done that) but I had no clue how a tire just low on air could hinder my productiveness in getting around.

Lesson? Here goes: how much in life do we go about trying to do in our own power? We struggle on, trying to do the same old things we have always done, but something is different. It is not as easy or enjoyable as it once was. We struggle to do the things we have always done well before. What is our problem? Have we gotten fat and lazy? Maybe. However, I would say that most of the time it is because we are trying to do it without the indwelling of the spirit of God in our everyday life. I am not talking about salvation here, but about letting Him fill our life and all the things that we try to do, doing it through Christ who strengthens me. How many times do we get the "I can do all things" part down, but we forget the "through Christ" part.

Don't get bogged down wheelin' your way through life all alone. Be filled with His presence, be filled with the joy of the Lord, be filled with the power from on high - and roll on!

Feeling Jumpy

2010-06-15T06:33:00.000-07:00

Several years ago, I took a red oil lantern and wired it for electricity and turned it into a reading lamp for my boys. They had taken it downstairs to their new bedroom and wanted to use it. It kept flickering on and off, like it wasn't plugged in good, but it was. We have concluded that there must be a short in the wiring now, and it is not safe for them to use. I must repair that lamp before it will be able to be used again.

Yesterday at therapy, my therapist decided we were going to work on my hamstrings - the muscle that runs up the back of your leg above your knees. He laid me on my stomach, put a large pillow roll under my ankles and said "Try to pull your foot up towards your backside". Well, the most unusual things started happening! On my right leg (the stronger one), I would tell my foot to come up and it would move about an inch, then down it would go, again I would tell it and it would hop about 3 inches, back and forth I fought with it until it finally jumped so big I about kicked myself in the head! (okay, slight exaggeration but I want you to get the picture!)The actual hamstring muscle was jumping so bad under my skin that it looked someone had implanted Mexican jumping beans behind my knee! The therapist laid a rolled up rag behind my knee and the jumping hamstring muscle kept knocking it off!

Once I got the leg in the up position, I would tell it to go down and it would start to, then kick back up and then head back down, and the fight was on again. I had never yet experienced this during therapy!! I am used to commanding my body to do something and it does absolutely nothing. To have it do a little bit of what I said, and then jump around like crazy and do it's own thing the rest of the time was....confusing to me. I didn't know to laugh at it - because it is really, really unusual - or to get mad!

I asked my therapist why this was happening. He said "welcome to the world of spasms." He said he could take the rest of the session explaining it in detail, but the basic idea was that because of the messed up communication, my nerves were trying to get signals to my muscles, but they were confused and weren't getting simple commands. Some of my paralyzed friends I have met along this road, deal with this all the time and have to take medications to keep it under control. I have never had any major issues with it before though. He said that the ability to walk is based on quick responses from all kinds of your muscles (abdomen, glutes, quads, hip flexors, hamstrings, calves, ankle flexors) and that only my hips are responding pretty quickly to my command (at least until they get tired). So, we keep trying to train them to obey quickly and without confusion.

Wow. The application of this to our Christian life is very convicting to me. I think how many times, because my communication is not right with the Lord, I get "mixed signals" from God. The problem is not because He has not given a clear command or taught us in His Word. It is because my communication with Him (Bible reading, prayer, meditating on His Word, giving and singing praises to Him)is not right. We get mixed signals and we come out thinking and doing the wrong things.

We are such emotional people. We are up and down and up and down. We are so inconsistent in our spiritual lives. We keep working in our own strength, fighting and struggling to get things to go and work out like they are supposed to, but we have forgotten and missed the simple things we are commanded to do. Have I read my Bible today? Yesterday? This week? Have I talked to the Lord today - not just about my problems, but to fellowship with Him, thank Him for His blessings, rejoice that He is my Father? Have I been to church faithfully to be exhorted? We don't do these simple things and then we wonder why we struggle at times. We live with mixed signals and then we take it out on God for why things aren't working out right in my life.

I say this analogy is convicting because it is true in my life. How many times am I having a grumpy day and realize that the Lord did not get the "first fruits" of my morning? How many times have I ran to the Lord for comfort or help, but haven't come to Him to just have a wonderful chat? How many times have I wanted Him to help me, but what have I done in my service for Him? How many times have I sought the "deeper" meanings and answers to life, and have failed to obey the simple things - like love one another...encourage one another...judge not...be ye kind...submit yourselves one to another...preferring one another...be ye holy....and on and on? I am guilty of all of these things.

A "jumpy" Christian is not stable, and like that old lantern light and my legs, they can be unpredictable, dangerous, and not very functional to the body of Christ.

So...every time my legs get jumpy, I want it to be a physical reminder for me to check my heart and life and make sure they aren't jumpy too!

"A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." James 1:8

"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord." I Corinthians 15:58

The Butterfly...

2010-05-30T11:15:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks I have been very emotional about a few things. I have questioned myself as to why I am revisiting some of these emotions that I thought I had already worked through.

Today, as I watched a butterfly flutter its way around my blooming flowers, I wondered if he ever missed being a caterpillar. Somehow, in that single silly thought, lay the answer to my wonderings.

Summer is in full swing at our house. There are projects that we are trying to do, cleaning out of winter clutter, and activities to plan. There are certain traditions that we have done every summer as a family - playing in the creek, hiking in state parks, riding bikes with the children, hours of fun at playgrounds - so many things that remind me of what life was before and the reality of how it is now. Last summer, I was very pregnant, having the baby, and recovering from surgery so somehow these things didn't bother me. This summer...I feel more like my old self and am ready to go!

I try to continue to do what I can and make the adjustments to doing it differently. But it is different - sometimes so very different that the memory of it is too painful to even want to continue trying. But I must keep trying - I don't want to give in and quit.

Anyone that is paralyzed can tell you that so many things are a struggle. Paralysis is not just that you can't walk. To be honest, without going into detail, there are other things that I would rather "get back" that would be higher on a list than walking.

There are, of course, the physical struggles of wheeling yourself from point A to B. The struggles of getting up, showering, getting dressed, doing your housework, cooking, trying to keep your body healthy and functioning as it should, circulation issues, trying to avoid pressure sores, and trying to stay limber so your joints don't freeze.

There are emotional struggles. Feeling like you are a burden to those who help you - from your closest family member who helps in ways that no one else sees, to you friends who put your chair up for you in the rain while you sit in the dry car. The struggle of living with pain every day but trying to stay cheerful so you have a happy atmosphere in the home. You know, "If momma ain't happy...."! The struggle when your children come to you crying because they can't remember anymore when you walked and you convince them that we are all together and alive and that is what matters. They walk away happy and satisfied and then you cry because you feel like you have been the cause of their little broken hearts. The struggle of hearing fun activities being planned and knowing that every little detail will have to involve if you can get around in your chair or not. If it is not accessible, you are out.

Yes, the spiritual struggles. Balancing a life of faith with a fleshly body. Balancing asking God questions without demanding answers. Balancing "leaning not to my own understanding" with wanting to figure it all out. These last paragraphs have not been written to evoke pity but to make a point.

That butterfly - that beautiful butterfly, freely flying through the air. So quickly it went, wherever it wanted. No barriers. No struggle in sight. Gracefully maneuvering and providing me with joy just to watch it. Then came the question if it ever missed being a caterpillar? I am confident that if it could communicate to me, it would say no.

That caterpillar - limited by the ground or only where his feet would allow him to go. Trudging slowly along wherever he went, he was prey to anything that could come along and stomp him underfoot.

That day - the day the change happened for him. He was thrown into a world he had known nothing about before. Changes took place in his little body that, had he human emotions, would have frightened and panicked him as he felt like all control had been lost.

The struggle - the process of coming out of the cocoon to be revealed as a butterfly. The story is told of a man who watched this process happening. He watched the butterfly struggling and struggling to break the cocoon away from himself so that he could be free. The man felt pity for the little butterfly and helped to break away the cocoon to free him. When the butterfly came out, his wings were crippled and he could not fly. The man asked an authority why this had happened and was told that the struggle of breaking out of the cocoon was what strengthened the wings and allowed the butterfly to fly.

I want to not be bound by the past, by fears, by unanswered questions, by the feelings of loss or sadness, or by my own lack of faith. I want to be free. I want to fly. I know that it is in and through these struggles that I am gaining the strength that I need to be free. I know, that as I come through these struggles, a stronger wife, mother, friend and Christian, I will look back and never desire to be a caterpillar. I can already see some things, but at times my vision gets blurry.

I am so thankful for my Creator and the reminder of the butterfly to clear things up for me. Let's fly!

Each step I take....

2010-04-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

At therapy today, I set a new record of walking 39 feet with braces. I didn't really know what Jeremy (my therapist) had in mind. We have braced up (I sound like a horse getting saddled up!) many times before and practiced standing and some steps at the parallel bars and also in this harness thing where they take like 50% of your body weight off. However, today he said "Give me a minute to go get a spotter".

He came back with a rolling walker and another therapist and said we were going to the hallway. I wish I had a camera for the scene that followed - well, no I don't because it must have really looked silly. It gave me a good laugh. Imagine me sitting in the chair with my legs sticking straight out (because they are braced). I can't go forward myself because my shoes are touching the floor and my legs won't bend to put them on the footplate. I can't pick them up myself and push myself, so Jeremy just gets in front of me and picks up my feet and the other therapist pushed me and I just set there wondering where they were taking me and what were we about to attempt. You probably had to be there but we looked really funny!

Out in the hallway, Jeremy said that we were going to see how far we could go today without bars. I was able to get up (with a little assistance - rolling walkers on linoleum is not the most secure feeling in the world!) and we were ready to go.

This is the part of the story that has inspired this post. I can't feel my feet on the floor and can't really tell where my legs are in relation to the rest of my body so I have to watch to see what is happening. Since you can't tell where your feet are, it is very hard to ever feel balanced. With the balance issue and feeling very unsure of what your lower body is going to do, I cling on for dear life to that walker! Ever so slowly, one lurching micro-step at a time, you make progress. I was focusing so intently on each step that I didn't even notice where we were in the hallway. My arms were burning, every muscle from my neck to my waist felt strained, 3 fingers on each hand were numb from gripping the walker so tight, and Jeremy said "just a tiny bit more Alicia". It was then I looked up and we were about 5 feet from a doorway. I said, "I want to pass that door." He said "Okay."

After awhile, my legs just hardly won't go anymore. The muscles just decided they have had enough and they will not do anything else. When this has happened on the parallel bars, Jeremy always takes his hand and moves the leg/foot where it needs to go and moves it forward for you. By the time, I had looked up and decided to pass that door, I was already struggling. He kept reaching down and wanting to help and I said "Jeremy, I am going to pretend to be my 2 year old. I want to do it all by myself." So, he was patient with me and let me try.

I didn't think I would make it those last 3 feet - literally the width of that doorway. It took about 10 minutes, but I finally made it! I collapsed into my chair absolutely drenched and exhausted and Jeremy patted me on the back and said "Good job."

My mind has been thinking about this beautiful hymn and what it really means in our lives. Of course, music is a huge part of my life and always speaks to my heart. If only we would concentrate hard to make sure to guard each step we take. If only we would cling to our precious Savior as much as I clung on to that walker! Realizing that without it, I could do nothing! If only I tried so very hard, that every ounce of energy I had would go into a life of pleasing Christ because I have a goal in mind - not of reaching Heaven, that has been paid for by the blood of Jesus, but of hearing my Heavenly Father say to me "Good job. Well done thou good and faithful servant."

Each Step I Take

Each step I take my Saviour goes before me,
And with His loving hand He leads the way,
And with each breath I whisper "I adore Thee;"
Oh, what joy to walk with Him each day.

Ref:
Each step I take I know that He will guide me;
To higher ground He ever leads me on.
Until some day the last step will be taken.
Each step I take just leads me closer home.

At times I feel my faith begin to waver,
When up ahead I see a chasm wide.
It's then I turn and look up to my Saviour,
I am strong when He is by my side.

I trust in God, no matter come what may,
For life eternal in His hand,
He holds the key that opens up the way,
That will lead me to the promised land.

Perspective...

2010-04-22T17:59:00.000-07:00

I just got home from vacation. We went to Tennessee to visit our families. We love to do this every spring because my in-laws live on a farm and it is so relaxing to go and do nothing but hang out. I always get like a little girl and get all giddy before we go. I can hardly sleep the night before we are to leave because I am so anxious and excited. I always want to drive because my hubby actually goes the speed limit and I like to go 5 over because I think we get there quicker!:)

We were on the interstate and I got behind this big semi that was hauling this huge piece of machinery. He was going up a hill and so he had really slowed down. I was in a hurry to get around him but couldn't because of the stream of traffic coming around my left. I started to get really irritated that I had to wait a few minutes longer to be able to get around this annoyingly slow semi. As I was waiting, the thought hit me, that many years ago, we would not be on a 4 lane interstate but on one lane roads and then I really would have a long wait. I thought "Alicia, you better be thankful that you only have to wait a couple of minutes and then you can get around this big guy. Be thankful you have the extra lanes to safely do that." Well, that got me to thinking some more - about our perspective.

I get aggravated because of obstacles that get in my way. I get aggravated at building designers and such for not thinking about people in a chair. My own local pharmacy here in town has 2 steps to get in their door! I'm sorry but that doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that eventually someone in a wheelchair might need to go to the drugstore! I have said myself "Good grief. Don't they know this is 2010!" But if you compare it to where we were years ago with this stuff, we have come a long way. Many advances and improvements have been made for wheelchair users.

I don't like being in a wheelchair, but I am thankful for it. If I didn't have it, I would be stuck in bed all day long! So, no, "they" don't have it all figured out, but I am glad for all that we do have to help us, sports we can play, support groups we can join, public voices that can be heard for our sakes (Christopher Reeve), and the internet, blogs and Facebook (smile) to keep us all connected.

Not thrilled with getting behind slow semi's, but glad for the extra lane to pass him with. Just the way you look at it I guess.

Bittersweet....March 12, 2009

2010-03-12T17:16:00.000-08:00

I love dark chocolate. I love the sweet taste with that subtle touch of bitter. It makes a most pleasant treat. That is sort of how I feel about this date. There have been so many things that have been sweet and precious to me this past year since becoming paralyzed, but it still has the slightly bitter side that can't be denied.

This week I have been reflecting on a lot of things in my mind and you will have to forgive me if I sound like I am rambling in this note. Jimmy asked me today "Does it seem like it has been one year?" My answer - "It depends on the day you ask me that!" Sometimes, it seems like this year has passed so quickly and so many changes! Other times though, like when I am frustrated because I can't quite reach that crumb I am trying to sweep up, it seems like it has been 100 years!

I have been thinking about where I was last year at this time. I was 5 months pregnant. I had already been seeing doctors and we were trying to figure out what in the world was going on with me. I became paralyzed overnight and we were so scared not knowing what it meant for me, for our baby, for our family's future, would the paralysis keep going up, would I die, how do you have a baby, how do you take care of a baby, how do you take care of my other children and be the wife and mother I need to be. There were so many unanswered questions and fears.

The questions and fears were on our minds, but then you had daily life to try to live. I had to relearn everything it seemed. Things like getting dressed, going to the restroom, getting in your chair, getting into a vehicle, maneuvering your home, your kitchen, and your chores. So many of these things that you learned in toddlerhood!! You feel so dependent - like you have become a baby all over again with everyone helping you on everything. I thought my driving days were over. I did not know people could drive and be paralyzed!! There was so much I didn't know! These were all bitter things and things like this still pop up and you have your "growling" moments but they are not as often as they used to be!

When I look back now, I see how much I have learned!! I remember when I first would go out, maybe to Wal-Mart or something, and it would be time for me to get out of the chair and into the van or vice versa. I would look all around and make sure nobody was watching. If someone was walking through the parking lot, I would just sit and wait. Jimmy would say "Get in" and I would say "Wait a minute". He would say "Why?" I would say, "BECAUSE!! There are people walking by - just wait a minute!!!!" Of course, he would wait patiently and never gripe while I sat and waited for the parking lot to clear. I was so self-conscious about it! Now, I am like yelling across the parking lot, "Hey, everybody!! Look what this cool crip can do!! Bet you never knew that we could get in and out of cars all by ourselves did you?":) I really don't yell that but it doesn't bother me at all and actually, I never even think about it. Well...there was a time a couple of weeks ago that the old man parked next to me in a handicap spot and I was putting my chair together to get out and go in the store. He got out of his truck, and wobbled very precariously over to me and said "Is there something I can do to help you?" I thought, "Yes, please go very carefully back to your vehicle and sit down before you fall and then we will have some real problems!!" I actually just smiled, thanked him and told him that I had it all under control. It was sweet to know that chivalry had not died! But, I did think about it that day that people do watch but I had forgotten that.

The daily part of life - getting ready every day, getting chores done, cooking and cleaning, taking care of the baby (who survived all of this just fine), taking care of the other children, still loving my hubby and trying every day to somehow compensate for all he does for me - this is all just our "normal" life now. We were at a park today with the children. The sidewalks did not go all the way to the play area and the whole area was covered in thick mulch (which is a major non-access substance for wheelers) and I was watching Jimmy push our children on the swing set. They were all squealing and giggling with joy while they yelled out "Watch Mommy!!" I had a twinge of sadness hit me, that I wanted to be out there playing with them. I wanted to push them again. But then I stopped, and thought, "Alicia, listen. That means life is normal. You children are happy. They are fine. You are fine. Life is good." And life is good.

I have met fabulous women who are in chairs and have been a wealth of information and encouragement to me. We have more answers about our future (well, as much as anyone else can know), the doctors don't think this will progress, they think I may recover some, therapy is going good, I have learned more about the human body and the spine and paralysis and trust me - it is complicated!! I feel much more educated and knowledge is powerful at times to controlling your fears.

So, on this date, a date that is a marker of something that has drastically changed my life, I hope that I will learn to savor this date - not dread it. To remember, that yes, life has changed but I have changed. I have grown, I have learned, and I have been enriched by those around me. My priorities have changed, new goals have been made, and I look forward to a bright and happy future. My heart has been reshaped for those with disabilities and new doors have opened for me because of mine.

God is good. He truly can take a catastrophe and use it in your life. I am looking forward to another year!!

Is Not Bound

2010-02-26T21:18:00.000-08:00

In church the other day, a verse was referenced that jumped off the page to me. I underlined it in my Bible, wrote my little note beside of it like I have a habit of doing and moved on. I thought I moved on, but that verse has stayed on my mind and I catch myself thinking of it over and over.

Here is the verse: "Wherein I suffer trouble, as an evil doer, even unto bonds; but the word of God is not bound." II Timothy 2:9 Of course, we know that Paul was writing this and that at the time he penned this, he was a prisoner in Rome and shortly would lose his life for the cause of Christ. He was talking of the bonds of his prison. It is an obvious fact that since we can read that verse while holding the Word of God in our hands, that it is true - the Word of God was not bound.
I know the verse jumped off the page of my Bible to me because of what I view as my own personal bondage. Waking up in the morning and facing today in a wheelchair I can handle. Thinking about the next year or five or twenty, is at times overwhelming. Sometimes my "bond" is not only the wheelchair and the many unseen things that go with that chair, but the fears that can plague you. There is an anxiety at times that billows over you - out of nowhere - and you think "Okay, this nightmare can just stop now."

My bond, a disability, meaning that I am not able to do something like able people can. In my case, it is paralysis. For others, it could mean blindness, deafness, loss of a limb, cognitive issues, and the list could go on and on. It is so easy to develop a selfish attitude and feel sorry for your loss. It is easy to take your frustrations out on those you love. It is even easy to question "why"? It is easy for all of us to live selfishly anyway, but when you think you have a pretty good excuse and no one would blame you (they wouldn't like you either) for it, then it is even more tempting.

Maybe my thoughts on this have been exaggerated lately because our county has three elementary schools that have been re-built. The old buildings are going to be torn down and they have had an auction the last two weeks at the old school buildings. Jimmy went the first week and came home saying how ridiculous it was. The school had stairway after stairway and there was no way I could have gotten in. I thought "No problem, the next school will surely be better." So, the next week, we drove over to get a look and same problem again. Jimmy and the kids looked around and I sat in the van. Apparently, if any of the kids were in wheelchairs, they got to go to school in a modular, away from the school building and all the other kids. This steamed me up. I felt really mad for those kids. I felt really mad for me. I felt really mad!!

This is the type of scenario that can kick start the "oh-me-oh-my" mood. I do not like this mood and I know it is sinful and not pleasing to the Lord so I try to ask the Lord to help me focus on Him and change my attitude! This is when the Lord always pleasantly surprises me and thus, my verse jumping off the page at me.
This passage has spoken to my heart also. "Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. II Peter 4:12-13 "Think it not strange"? "But rejoice"? Are you kidding me!!! No, He is not kidding. God knows that this "disability" is nothing new to Jesus Christ. He has suffered all that we ever will. This likens me to Him. Isn't that what we all say we want?

This convicts my heart so because I realize more and more how worthless my words are. I can't begin to tell you how many times in my life I have prayed to be more like Christ. And now I have this new way of life, that has the potential to make me a partaker with Him in His sufferings, and I don't want it? Did I really mean what I have prayed? It humbles me. I see my humanness and frailness and I realize again and again how much I desperately need Him.

You see, I don't have to be able. He is able. He is able to do more than I could ever ask or think. I may be bound, but He is not. I am encouraged and want to encourage anyone with any sort of disability that although we may live in bonds, the Word of God is not bound. If we will only trust the Lord to use us, through our bonds, we can be instruments of Jesus Christ sharing His precious Word.

If it's music you want to make...

2010-02-17T09:13:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I decided that I was going figure out how to play the piano. I haven't played because I can't do the foot pedal and anyone that plays, knows how it sounds to play without the foot pedal. I went to the music store and asked the manager if they made something for the sustaining pedal that would allow me to play. He put the foot pedal on the top of the keyboard (you know, the little black plug-in foot pedals) and said "Hey, you can hold the foot pedal with one hand while you play with the other!" I just looked at him and then said "O.....kay. Thank you very much." I am a little surprised that he made it to the manager position in a music store.
So....back to yesterday. I decided that I would play anyway without the pedal and practice my note reading/playing. I decided that I would play the Crown arrangement of My Father Planned It All.

Breakdown of the grand concert:
1. Lets move the piano bench. Problem, my knees are hitting the piano and won't go under. That's okay, let's sit too far back from the piano and lean over. Problem solved!
2. Bend fingers back and forth in dramatic flair to prepare for the grand concert.
3. Start playing the arrangement. Problem - it sounds like chopsticks. Let's hold the keys down longer while trying to maintain the flow of the arrangement. Still sounds like chopsticks.
4. Yell for Briley and ask her to pull up a chair and try to hold the foot pedal for me. Problem - she doesn't know when to go up or down. Tell her to count and lift her foot on the number 4. Uhmmm....now we have a combination of chopsticks and notes that are bunched together and sound awful.
5. Briley suggests that I nod my head at her every time she needs to lift her foot. Sounds simple enough - it's not. My brain is not that complex. I am trying to read these notes!!
6. Tell Briley thank you for her help and ask her to go into the other room with all the children.
7. Calmly take out my frustration by banging all the notes on the piano like a 2 year old and feel much better.
8. Close the piano lid and decided that the guitar is the instrument for me.
9. Get out the guitar and practice.
10. Aww....much better. Problem solved.

Moral of this story -
Life can throw you challenges. We all have them. Sometimes you can figure out a way to do things, and sometimes you can't. But don't stop trying. If it's music you want to make - then find a way to make it!!

New Therapy Goals

2010-01-06T11:05:00.001-08:00

I had to cancel therapy yesterday morning because of the snow. I was really bummed about it. I had already missed a week and a half because of the holiday's and that was okay. I was just really ready to hit it again. So, when we awoke to snowy roads and salt trucks I was sad.

We are still going to therapy twice a week and Jeremy (my therapist) has given me LOTS of homework to do at home every day along with exercises I am to try to do with the E-Stim machine. From the time I wake up in the mornings, it is about an hour and a half before I come out of my room because of exercises. It is a lot of hard work but I am starting to see some pay-off especially since we have started the E-Stim machine at home every day.

For example, I have always been able to bend my toes down (since the beginning) but I can now lift them up on my right foot and I can lift them on my left foot if you tickle the bottom of my foot (I can't feel the tickle but they will lift only then - crazy I know!) If I am laying flat on my back and my knees are bent up, I can keep my right leg from flopping over on the bed and can almost lay it over slowly but I haven't quite got all the control on that once gravity is taking it down. The left leg is a different story - it is the wicked step-child! I can tell that my transfers seem easier. I don't really feel or know why but they just seem easier to me. I know I am stronger in my upper body but it seems like it is more than that so I think some muscles must be kicking in somewhere and helping although I don't know which ones. I may be dreaming on this one but it just seems like it to me. As of this week, I am able to move my legs a tiny bit (again the right one mostly) when I am sitting in my chair. This is a first because any movement I had before was only laying flat on my back where absolutely no gravity was on me. I am getting some feelings back though at this time they are not at all pleasant. If you touch my skin I cannot feel it but I feel like I can feel stuff deep in my bones. Like yesterday, about 6 inches of my left thigh bone hurt SO bad all day long and I don't have a clue why. But...it's feeling something which is more than it has been so I guess that's good. I could probably name a few more things that seem really minor but to me they are pretty major!

Having said all that, our course of therapy is changing. At the first, all of our exercises were really range of motion kind of stuff to stretch my muscles back out and stuff like that. But now, since the E-Stim machine has come into play, therapy has bloomed into a lot of trial and error kind of stuff. I think Jeremy's famous words are "Let's try this and see what happens!" I always say "Let's roll!" Every time I say that, I want to hear the theme song for Rawhide to come on in the background...."roll 'em, roll 'em, roll 'em". :) I think it would be a great dramatic effect!

So, Jeremy told me today that it was time for him to fill out his new goals for me. I asked him what they were and he said that his new goals for me were standing and walking with the parallel bars. Just hearing the words "walking with parallel bars" sent shivers down my spine! I told Jeremy that I have had some say to me "Oh! If you can move your feet, then you will be walking in no time!" and that I did not know how to reply to that. He said to say that we are working as hard as we can, and that we want to stay positive but that we also must stay realistic. He said that walking involves a LOT and that we are just not anywhere near that right now and may never be but that we are just taking one day at a time. I guess I needed to hear him say those things as much as I need to tell anyone else.

I have a lot of mixed emotions about it all. I told Jimmy I feel like my body is teasing me somewhat. Every little thing that I feel like might be coming back makes me want to panic or something and want it all back RIGHT NOW! It brings back a lot of memories of "how it used to be" and makes you crave it something awful. Even my dreams....they had all changed to me being in a wheelchair and now I am walking and standing in them again. I wake up so disappointed. I am trying very hard to balance all of this with "in whatsoever state I am therewith to be content". Because, truly I have been and still want to be. I feel like I am battling my mind with "I want it all or nothing" which is so selfish and petty. There are a lot of people who would give anything to just be able to move a toe and would think I am an idiot for agonizing over it and they would be right!

I am just going to take it all one day at a time, work as hard as I can, be thankful for every improvement and be thankful if no more improvements happen at all. I am happy that my Rock is unmoving and that He is always there for me to sort out my weird emotions and keep me on track!

If you have endured reading this to the end, thank you for your interest and prayers. I would post photos or something of progress but at this point I am too embarrassed! Maybe one day soon...:)

Nothing Between....

2009-12-18T18:32:00.000-08:00

Today at therapy, I received an electrical stimulation machine to bring home with me and do exercises with every day. The therapist was showing me where to place the electrodes to make the muscles work. He explained once again, how the electricity runs through the electrodes and straight into the muscles to make them move. The electricity alone will make my legs stick straight out! When the machine is turned on both legs, it will make them so stiff that I am able to put weight on them and stand about half way up. It is so weird to try to move my legs on my own and not a thing happens - no matter how hard I try. I accomplish nothing. Then, the electricity turns on, and I watch my legs move and do things I cannot possibly accomplish on my own.

I got to thinking....it's amazing how that all it takes is a damaged area in your spinal cord to do some major changes! It affects every area of your life - big and little. Losing the ability to walk is just one of the things that is affected. There are so many other things that you just would never think about.

One of my very favorite (and convicting) hymns is "Nothing Between My Soul and the Savior". We think that it is the big things that break our fellowship with the Lord. The Bible talks about the "little foxes" that spoil the vines. It doesn't have to be something outlandish and major to be something between us and the Savior. But, oh how it can affect our life - every aspect of it. Things we wouldn't think of are affected. "It seems like such a little thing" we think, but the damage it can cause! A wrong choice today can yield a major problem tomorrow.

Then you have the e-stim machine. How in all my trying I can't accomplish what I want but when the power is applied things start happening. It makes me so happy to know that in my Christian life, I don't have to struggle to do everything. I just need to be a willing vessel and let the power of God work in me. If I will just let Him have His way in my life, keep an obedient heart (nothing between), His power can then work through me. I am glad that His power is able to move and work in the hearts and lives of people in spite of me! How true is the verse "I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me"!

It is also a beautiful thought how that if I have let something come between my soul and the Savior and it has caused what may seem like irreversible damage in my life, the power of God is still able to come in and take over and accomplish for us and through us what we are not able to do on our own.

I think God would have us all to be spiritually challenged, spiritually disabled, spiritually handicapped - for it is in these humbling positions that you realize how strong, capable, and dependable He is. You realize how helpless you are without Him your heart craves for "nothing between my soul and the Savior". Jesus is mine...keep the way clear...He is my all...I am resolved...I'll triumph at last - there's nothing between!!

Nothing Between

Nothing between my soul and the Savior,
Naught of this world's delusive dream;
I have renounced all sinful pleasure;
Jesus is mine, there's nothing between.

Nothing between my soul and the Savior,
So that His blessed face may be seen;
Nothing preventing the least of His favor
Keep the way clear! Let nothing between.

Nothing between, like worldly pleasure;
Habits of life, though harmless they seem,
Must not my heart from Him e'er sever;
He is my all, there's nothing between.

Nothing between, like pride or station;
Self-life or friends shall not intervene;
Though it may cost me much tribulation,
I am resolved; there's nothing between.

Nothing between, e'en many hard trials,
Though the whole world against me convene;
Watching with prayer and much self-denial,
I'll triumph at last, with nothing between.

For Your Entertainment - the Wheelchair World

2009-09-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

It has now been 6 months since I have become paralyzed and in a wheelchair full-time. I thought, that instead of becoming mopey and sad on this momentous anniversary, that I would bring you up to speed about some things in the wheelchair world to enlighten those of you who are what “we” call “able-bodied” - hence known as AB.

There is a difference between “using” a wheelchair and “needing” a wheelchair. For the “user,” they can have all the Wal-Mart and grocery store wheelchairs out there. For those of us who “need” wheelchairs - these just will not do. Our wheelchairs cost anywhere between $1200-$6,000. They are customized to our bodies to “fit” us. They are not a one-size-fits-all. The cheap wheelchairs, although very affordable, will not work for us. I learned this valuable lesson one day at a K-Mart. I decided that the person that I was with, needed my wisdom on how to load my wheelchair and the shelves we just bought into the trunk of my car. So, there was a trusty old wheelchair with a big metal basket across the front of it that I thought I would transfer into and then be able to help put my chair into the trunk. All was mostly well, until it came time for me to then transfer out of that chair into the driver’s seat of my car. Because of the big old feet on those things, you can’t get in close to the driver’s seat because the feet hit the door. Then, when you swing the basket out of the way, it leans against the car and you can’t get around it. Then the armrests on those things are up to your shoulders so it is hard to get around that! Needless to say, thanks to the rail that is installed on the roof of my car, decent upper body strength, and a crazy Tarzan-like movement, I made it onto the door sill of my car and then onto the seat. It was very comical and I learned my lesson. Cheap wheelchairs are for those that can walk and get in and out of them. So, when you see a chair with no arms, little front wheels, low backs, and they don’t look like the ones you see at your local store - there is a good reason!!

Now, you have stumbled into the unique world of full-time wheelchair users. It isn’t every day you run into someone who uses a wheelchair all the time. Because of this, people are unfamiliar and therefore, a little uncomfortable knowing how to act or what to say. This always sends a chuckle to me and I have a very bad habit of getting tickled and then I can hardly control it. You’ve got to love the ones that talk very loud to you as they lean over and look you in the eyes. What is it that makes them think I am deaf? Or the person that pats me on the head? Or those that come and lean on the back of your chair like it is their personal perch? This is why we hate handles on our chairs! There are so many things that I want to say but I try to hold it in. When I hold it in, this starts the conversation in my head and then I get tickled at all the comebacks I am trying not to say and start laughing. While I am then sitting there laughing out loud at something that has not been said out loud, it is then I realize why they pat me on the head!

So, this moves us on into the mind of the wheelchair user. There are many things that we have to think about. Other people’s feelings are one of those things so while I am trying to deal with my own thoughts and emotions of being the only person in a store in a wheelchair, now I have to also think about your feelings as I try to deal with you. For example, I am in the doctor’s office, and after signing in, the receptionist tells you to go have a seat. I am laughing inside, but after the receptionist gives me her look of horror as she realizes what she said, I must then have to figure out how to console her. This leaves me very puzzled. I want to laugh because I already was inside, but if I laugh, then she might think I am insensitive to her look of horror. Therefore, I am stuck. Not knowing what to say or do to console the poor lady, I manage to smile and say, “Thank you.”

Then, you have the times when you are in line and someone leans over your head to get something as if you are not there. Inside of me, I want to back up real fast and squish their toes, but I don’t want to upset them so I smile and say “Excuse me.” “Excuse me” also comes into play whenever you roll up to a counter for help and the top of your head comes to the level of the counter. You really hope that they will notice a new hairline is at their station and needs attention, but instead of waiting, we will eventually say these two words.

A common problem for wheelchair users is whenever there are steps. Now, if I am home or somewhere I am really comfortable, I would just plop out of the chair and go up or down on my backside. However, this is not very ladylike in public places so you are left to the mercy of those around you. People are very kind and more than willing to help. If it is just a few steps, the decision is normally to turn you backwards, tip you way far back so that your toes are parallel with the top of your head, and thump you down one step at a time. Now, this does something to a girl’s identity. This is not the look that I am going for when I am out in public surrounded by men who are helping you get up or down the steps. I am convinced that feet are made to be lower than the head. If the steps are long, then the solution is to pick me up - chair and all - and be carried. This normally involves 3 or 4 strong guys who each grab a corner of your chair and haul you to where you need to be. So far, this has always been successful. However, in my head, as I am being tilted or carried, you are trying very hard to suppress a scream of “Please don’t drop me!!!!!” Instead, we politely say “Thank you.” All in all, although we may not have control over certain parts of our bodies, I would say that we have great mental strength. We are able to take our thoughts and completely morph them into something kind. We do this for you!! Aren’t we sweet?

A hot topic for everyone who is in a wheelchair is handicap parking spaces. Now this requires great mental discipline. For one thing, we HAVE to have these spaces. Not just for the perk of getting to park close to the door but there are real reasons. For one, we have to have the wide spaces to get in and out of our cars. Some have ramps that unfold out of their vehicles and need the space to be able to get their ramp out. Others of us, transfer in and out of our vehicles, but we need the door to open up all the way so that we can get in close to our seats so we don’t end up on the ground. So, if your car is parked in a normal spot and I am in a normal spot, I cannot get my door open all the way, therefore my chair cannot get close to the car, then I can’t transfer safely into my car and alas, I am stuck. If there are no handicap spaces available, then we have to park out in no man’s land so that we can have room to get in and out of the car and no one will park next to us. Now, this isn’t really a problem because I can roll 200 feet as easy as I can 25 feet. However, since I am vertically challenged now, we have the same problem as when I roll up to a counter. People that are backing out of their parking places cannot see me in their mirrors because I am only as tall as their trunks. This makes it dangerous for me as I roll past the trunks of many cars because I parked out in the boonies. The other problem with this is when it rains. Ever tried holding an umbrella while trying to use your arms to push yourself? It doesn’t happen. I would rather only be rained on for 25 feet than for 200! So, this leads us to who parks in these spots? We have a hard time understanding how people can park in these spots at malls and department stores and then go in and walk around for a couple hours. Hmm. I have amused myself before by going into a store (after not having found an available handicap parking spot) and seeing how many people I see in wheelchairs. Maybe once or twice have I seen someone that you can tell is a full-time user. Otherwise, they are in the electric scooters or the store chair which leads to the question that if they can walk in the store to get into one of those things than could they not have parked in the other spot and walked 5 more feet and left me with the extra space that I need? However, to be fair, I want to present their side. They did not know I was coming to the store that day. If they did, I am sure they would have given me their spot. Also, if there are so few of us, that I have a hard time spotting someone like me, then all the handicap spots would be mostly empty all the time and that would be a waste of good parking. Unless, of course, we could take a poll on how many of the cars that you see scattered along the empty back lots of stores really belong to the full-time wheelchair users. So, I have decided that to remedy this situation, I am going to ask all of the stores and restaurants I frequent, to install an automated intercom system over their parking lots. When I am ready to leave home, I will Twitter them an update and a loud call will go over all the parking lots of my town - “Alicia is coming!! Get out of her way!!”

Another topic of interest is how to be politically correct about all of this. What is my label? Am I crippled? Handicapped? Disabled? Physically impaired? Abnormal? This has been a laugh for me with some of my friends. They say they just can seem to find the one that fits. I am sure most that know me would argue that “abnormal” would have to be the most fitting but we won’t go there. I just read an article that said you are not to say that a person is “confined to a wheelchair”. They said that makes it sound like a prison sentence or something. True, we are not confined but maybe defined. That is not fair maybe but is realistic. “You know, that lady in the wheelchair” or “She can’t do that. She is in a wheelchair.” I warn my husband to be careful saying those last words. That’s all it takes for me to scale an all out attack to accomplish whatever it was that I was just told I could not do. He said he says it on purpose sometimes just for that reason. That’s good. I need pushed - no pun intended! Other times he regrets saying it! I got a wild idea that I would like to ride horses. They say it is good rehab and so I mentioned it to my dad. He looked like the idea scared him to death. He was wondering how in the world I was going to stay on that horse and I was trying to reassure him that it could be done safely. As his skeptic look increased, I finally said “Dad, what is the worst that could happen? Fall off and become paralyzed?” For some reason, he did not see the humor in that. So, my label? I don’t know. I am just me - the new me and I have always looked for humor and will continue to do so. Not because I am in a wheechair - but because a merry heart doeth good like a medicine.

There are a lot of negatives to being in a wheelchair and if we dwelt on that, we would all be depressed, so we are not going to. The point of this epic was to entertain you so that is where we are going to stay. So, in true Pollyanna fashion, and in conclusion to this meandering monologue, here are a few perks:

1. Close parking when available
2. I never have to look for a seat when I go places
3. When you accidentally run over someone’s toes, they say “I’m sorry!”
4. You can buy expensive shoes because they never wear out.
5. Going down hills feels a bit like a roller coaster. Going up...different story!
6. I hear in some circumstances, this moves you to the front of the line (amusement parks, airplanes, etc.) Not tried it yet, but I will!
7. You can look really pitiful when you start to have an argument with your hubby. This hasn’t been as effective as I had hoped.:)
8. You get really strong arms and can impress your kids. They actually think you have muscles!
9. It helps you keep the clutter picked up off your floor. It has to be moved so you can roll! Kicking a toy across the floor is no longer an option so this helps me not to procrastinate!
10. You have an instant invisible bond to any other person in a wheelchair. So, you have an
instant friend. That is always good.

I hope you have been somewhat informed and shared a chuckle with me as you have read this. I think a sense of humor and being able to find the funnies in life - even in tough circumstances - is as good for your mental health as aspirin is for a headache. Not everything is funny, but there is a lot of humor through all of this that you can find if you are willing to look for it.

Enjoy your life.....and smile!

Do I Trust Him?

2009-09-01T11:58:00.000-07:00

After the panic I felt last Sunday when I had the vertigo so bad, and having had so many complications and not knowing what was about to happen next, this week led me to some heart-searching questions.

I have purposed to be 100% honest on this blog. Knowing that I am human and full of my flesh and pride, it is easy to talk of the spiritual victories the Lord has given me and to share of the many special "graces" that He has shown me along the way. All of that is fine and good, but life is not all spiritual victories. So I want to be honest and share the struggles along the way also.

Last Sunday, as silly as it seem now, scared me to death and for the first time, since all of this, I felt panic, fear and discouragement. I knew the spinning room was not killing me - my heart was beating and I was breathing just fine - but it was the fear of the next minute. Not knowing what was wrong, not knowing what was about to happen. Was I about to become paralyzed from my neck down? Was I going to die? What was wrong? Fear filled my heart and I did not even want Jimmy to leave me for a second!! I have described these feelings in my earlier post about it, but I wanted to go there again because these feelings led me to questions once I had calmed down.

By the time the room had stopped spinning, my mind began to spin with these questions: How can I say I trust the Lord when I was so afraid? If I truly am ready to die and go to Heaven, then how come I want to live so badly and don't want to die? If I believe the Lord is control, why do I fear? If I am to be a joyful Christian and have a good testimony for the Lord, then why I am I struggling with feeling like I am getting discouraged and can't do this? If I feel like the Lord has given me something and His grace will be sufficient, then why I am suddenly panicked - not knowing what the future holds? If I have been through many of these questions in my mind already and feel like I found answers, then why in the world am I asking them again?!!!!

I have found answers this week and they have come in a variety of ways.Here are some of the ways that have helped me this week to answer some of these questions:

1. I talked to Jimmy. I always talk to my wise hubby about these things. He already told me I wasn't allowed to get discouraged so I knew that was out of the question.:) Seriously, I did talk to him because I know that he will always tell me the truth - even if I don't like the answer. So, we talked. After talking to him, I felt a little more settled in my heart knowing that he did not think I was a spiritual baby and that he shared fears of the unknown also. We know that we must trust the Lord - in good and bad - and even though it is hard to do, it does not change the fact that we must. His strong faith in God is what I need to hear often to remind my more female and emotional heart to not fear what is around me but to trust Who is in me.

2. I prayed. I asked the Lord to help me - not only physically but emotionally. I told Him I was afraid. I asked Him to calm me down. I asked Him to help my scared hubby and children. I asked Him to please help me to be strong and be a testimony for Him and not to fail Him. I prayed verses to Him - "When I am afraid, I will trust in Him." "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" "Yea, though I walk through the valley...I will fear no evil for THOU art with me." Every verse I could think of, I prayed to Him. Not that He needed reminded - I did and it helped to talk to my Heavenly Father about it.

3. I got online this week and found Joni Erickson Tada's website. On it, she has a TV series where she interviews people with disabilities that are Christians and to hear their testimonies, and how they love and trust the Lord, but still have fears helped me to know that I was not alone.

4. Music!! Music has always moved me. I will not say spiritually because quite frankly, I can get pretty sappy about Little House on the Prairie when the right music is behind it!! The power of godly words with Christ-honoring music set behind them, stirs my heart. Or just an instrumental of the old hymns playing as the words run through my mind calms my heart so much. I have sat and listened to some songs over and over and they just keep blessing me.

5. Going to church!! Really, when God tells us not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together that we may edify one another is really so true. I know when you are sick, you cannot help not being able to go to church but going back last Sunday was SO encouraging. Hearing the songs, the preaching of God's Word, the fellowship of believers - it was all so encouraging. I do not know why people choose to not go to church. Not me - I need it!!

These things all helped me this week in answering my questions.

How can I say I trust the Lord when I was so afraid?
Because it is through fear that our trust is tested. It is easy to trust when things are easy. It is in the fearful times, that we choose to trust or not.

If I truly am ready to die and go to Heaven, then how come I want to live so badly and don't want to die?
Because the human nature comes with an instinct for survival. If my head was under water, I would not stay there trusting the Lord. I would try to swim. I enjoy my life, and I enjoy living. Heaven will be wonderful, but earth is good too as we live for Christ. I want to do so much more for Christ - I don't think that is a bad thing. I want to meet my Lord with more than I have right now.

If I believe the Lord is control, why do I fear?
Because knowing that He is in control and letting Him control are two different things. My flesh and spirit always struggle and in my spirit I know that I want Him to be in control but in my flesh (which is weak) I want to call the shots. But, His ways are not my ways and therefore, when I should trust, I fear.

If I am to be a joyful Christian and have a good testimony for the Lord, then why I am I struggling with feeling like I am getting discouraged and can't do this?
Because I am learning that it is not about me at all. It is through my weakness and struggles that the Lord uses to strengthen us. An internal strength that can only come from the Lord - beyond words or personality. Our inner strength is from looking up - not looking in.

If I feel like the Lord has given me something and His grace will be sufficient, then why I am suddenly panicked - not knowing what the future holds?
Because I don't see the tomorrows. Reminding myself over and over though that He does, is what trusting is all about. No matter what changes happen in our lives, He never changes and therefore He is so trustworthy.

If I have been through many of these questions in my mind already and feel like I found answers, then why in the world am I asking them again?!!!!
Because I am human and so cocky and confident at times. These "rapids" in my river of life, help me to realize how truly weak and needy that I am. They knock a cog out of your wheel to let you see that you really don't have it as much together as you thought you did and how desperate you need Him. I am not getting worse and worse, I just need Him more and more. These times show me this.

I hope that I will not have to learn this lesson over and over but I know that I will. We have to die to our flesh daily and I know that it is in my flesh that I struggle to truly trust Him. It is my prayer that I will stay close in fellowship to the Lord so that the spirit will be stronger than the flesh and will win more battles!

Please, help me pray for this.

Alive!!

2009-08-27T08:02:00.000-07:00

I am alive!! After yesterday, I wasn't sure if I would be or not - honestly. Yesterday was one of the scariest days of my life. My room would not quit spinning and when I closed my eyes, I would not stop spinning. It was like someone had you on one of those merry-go-rounds, and would spin you so fast, you could only lay down and hope it would stop. Except, you knew you were laying perfectly still and it still wouldn't stop. With everything else that has been going on, I did not know what was happening.

I was terrified for Jimmy to leave me for even a second because I could not even move my eyeballs without my head going crazy. We called the neurologist and the one on call said he just thought it was vertigo and to lay still and drink plenty of fluids. I had no other choice anyway. I don't even think I could have moved if I had wanted to.

They had me on a blood thinner for the last 4 months because of the risk of blood clots with me being paralyzed and pregnant. The OB dr. said that I was to stay on them for at least 6 weeks post partum because the risk is still high. But...when I had the hematoma they had to stop the blood thinner so the bleeding could be controlled. This had us worried that it may not really be vertigo but me trying to have a stroke instead. After waking up paralyzed overnight and no one knowing why yet, I think that a toothache will just about send me into a panic!! I try very hard to stay calm, and really, through all of these complications, I have. But yesterday was different....I though there was something bad going on in my head and I was very, very scared.

Since my heart rate has been low and erratic (since going off of the blood thinner), then I got to thinking that might be the problem.There is a lady in our church that had a stroke some time ago, and she came to the house and asked Jimmy to please get me on a blood thinner. She felt that all the symptoms I was having sounded like a stroke and not just vertigo. Since I still had blood thinner shots still here at the house, we made an executive decision to take one last night. When I took one, my heart rate was 50.

As of this morning, my heart rate is up and I feel better. If I am laying down and turn my head to either side, I get very sick feeling and it all happens again. However, if I sit up I can turn my head and I feel weak, but not sick or everything spinning out of control. We can't help but think the blood thinner has helped and we are asking our doctors to check into this.

I cannot thank you enough for all of your prayers. Yesterday morning when all this was happening, I told Jimmy "Honey, I think I am going to get discouraged." He said "No, Alicia, you can't do that. You stay strong." I did not feel strong. I felt weak and very vulnerable. I felt like I didn't know if I could handle one more thing. In the afternoon, I awoke out of my sleep with these words running through my mind "Not what I wish to be, or where I wish to go, for who am I, that I should choose my way? The Lord knows best for me, tis better far I know...." I have the tune for these words also in my head but this is all I remember of it. I think it is an old hymn about missions. Please, if any of you know what this song is, let me know. However, I knew the Lord had put that in my heart to encourage me and let me know that He was choosing my way and that He was with me and had not forgotten me. This "nugget" from the Lord, helped me so much and once again peace filled my heart.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers. I feel selfish asking this of you but it is such an encouragement knowing that all over your dear friends and family are bringing you to the Lord. I feel so very loved on by all of you and I cannot thank you enough for that.

I love you all!

My Baby and Me - Update Memo

2009-08-16T10:40:00.000-07:00

I reread what I had written and I realized that I had left out something important - the "treasures in the darkness" that the Lord constantly encourages us with even in the midst of trying circumstances.
The first 3 days after I had the baby, we had the same nurse. She had a keen interest in us and our "story" - as did all the nurses we had. Her name was Barb and after talking with us and asking a lot of questions, she found out that I had not had any therapy at all. Our little county just seems like it doesn't know what to do with me. Since I delivered at a large hospital in Cincinnati, Barb decided to call their therapy department to see what could be done.
Every day, for the remainder of my stay, a physical therapist and an occupational therapist came to see me and worked with me. Jimmy and I learned so much during those days. The therapists got all excited about working with me and said they were "mortified" that no therapy of any kind has happened. They have it all set up for me to come back for outpatient therapy as soon as I recover enough to handle it. They have an entire floor dedicated to therapy and they even took me up there for a tour and a much desired shower as I could not use the shower in the room where we were. I was introduced to "Bob" the director of admissions, who has been paralyzed for 25 years due to falling off a telephone pole on his job. He was very nice and gave us his phone number to call him personally if we had any questions or needed anything at all. On the funny side, after the shower, I had my hair wrapped up in a towel, they made me wear a hospital gown and we had to go back to my room via public elevators and halls so I told them they had to give me a pair of scrubs so that I would be decent. So here I am with a hospital gown, another color of scrubs, my hair in a towel, and some ugly brown socks and that is when the therapist decided to introduce me to everyone. I kept telling her that if she did not let me look decent first, they would all assume that I should be on the psychiatric floor! I am sure I looked quite "unique"!
This has been a huge answer to prayer for me and something that has been bothering me for months now. Thanks to the Lord working through a nurse who took an interest in us, He answered a major prayer and we are praying that positive results will come out of the therapy - if it is His will. If not, then I will be learning much needed "life skills".
Everyone was so wonderful and kind to us. We felt like we were part of a big family by the time we left. I didn't want to leave out or overlook this blessing from the Lord.
Elisha is a precious blessing from the Lord too. He is a healthy little man and he is such a good baby. He really only cries when he is hungry and then he settles back in. We are quite attached as the only thing that we do most of the day is snuggle one another. This has been fine with me and I am enjoying every minute with him. It is much more fun to hold them in your arms than inside your stomach!! The Lord knew that we needed an easy-going baby with everything else going on.
One other thing I want to add is how thankful I am for my precious hubby!! He has had to do so much taking care of me, the children (although they are such big helpers - they are only children and need looking after), our home, the church and on and on. He has never complained one single time!! I am so not worthy of this man's love and care. I could never brag on him enough for the way that he unselfishly loves me and our children. May the Lord heap loads of blessings on him as Jimmy has blessed me so.
Alright, I am going to hush now. I just wanted to add these blessings as part of the much-needed-to-be-told part of our story.

My Baby and Me - Update

2009-08-11T09:13:00.000-07:00

Everything was going as planned on Monday, July 27th. We were to go into
the hospital at 5:00 p.m. and they were to monitor me and start my induction
on Tuesday morning. We went as planned, and they got me all settled in
and hooked up to the monitors. They decided to give me a little pill to help
me get ready for the induction and within 30 minutes, the pill had started me
into labor. My contractions were 2 minutes apart, although they were not
terribly strong. Thankfully, I could not feel them!:)
The doctor said that she would come back and check me every little bit and
that we may have a baby by morning without ever having to start the
Pitocin. After about 2 hours or so, we noticed that the baby’s heart rate was
doing crazy things. It would go up to about 170 and then suddenly drop to
about 70 and then back and forth like that. It lasted for about 10 minutes.
Just as we were starting to get nervous about it, the doctor came back in and
said that she wanted to check me again. As she was checking I noticed a
worried look on her face and she asked for an ultrasound machine to be
brought in. They did the ultrasound and they said that our little guy had
completely turned. They said that he was sitting “Indian style” with his feet
and bottom down and his head up. They went out to discuss it with the head
doctor and my nurse said to me “Do you realize what this may mean?” I said
“C-Section” and she said that was correct.
The doctors came back in and said that they were going to try to turn the
baby manually but if that didn’t work, they would have to do an immediate
C-Section because my body was already in labor. After trying to turn the
baby for about 20 minutes (which was terribly uncomfortable) they said that
he wasn’t going to budge. At that point, everything was hurry-hurry. Jimmy
was thrown scrubs, I was given a hat, the nurses started preparing me, and
the anesthesiologist was brought in to consult with me.
Apparently, I was a puzzle for them because I did not need an epidural for
pain because I have no feeling waist down. However, due to being
paralyzed, there is something called Autonomic Dysreflexia (http://
www.apparelyzed.com/autonomic.html) that happens when your body
experiences pain and you do not know it that causes your blood pressure
and heart rate to become unstable. So, it was necessary to have a pain
medicine to fool my body into thinking it felt now pain. They decided to
give me the epidural and see what happened. They wanted me numb from
my chest down and that was not happening. I could feel everything on my
stomach so they felt like the epidural was not working. So, they began to try
all different kinds of medicines to numb me. Finally, the anesthesiologist
said to me “Hon, I am about to give you something in your I.V. that is going
to put you out.” I said, “Okay, how will I know if it is working?” He said, “
You are will feel like you are stoned.” I said “I have never been stoned” He
said, “You are about to be!”
The next thing I remember is my ears starting to ring and then I felt like a
bed was sitting on top of me and smothering me. I could not swallow,
breathe or move my arms (or so I thought). Then I felt like I was completely
floating away from all reality. I felt like I was leaving everything. Not in a
calm way, but in a weird, terrifying way. My mind never stopped working
and I felt like I had no grasp of any kind of reality. I thought to myself “I
think I must be dying but there is nothing I can do about it”. I have slight
memories of a baby crying in a far distant place but not realizing it was my
baby. I remember Jimmy rubbing my head and saying “He’s alright” but not
grasping what in the world he was talking about. My first clear memory is waking up in the recovery room in severe pain and not being able to hold
the baby because of the pain and just trying to concentrate on taking my
next breath. This is my memories and version. Jimmy’s version was
different.
He said that once the doctor gave me the medicine in the I.V. that I seemed
to go out but that I cried and moaned the entire operation. They said that I
could feel everything that was going on and nothing every stopped the pain.
He said that the anesthesiologist was trying everything that he knew to do
and told Jimmy that he had “emptied the medicine chest” on me and did not
know what else to do. He also gave me a medication that makes you forget
most of what happens and that lasts for about 24 hours. We could not
understand how I felt things if I have no feeling from my waist down. The
doctors explained that the feeling of deep inside your body (organs and
such) come straight from the brain and do not come from the spine. So, that
is why I could feel what they were doing deep inside of me. I guess you
learn something new all the time! They told us that the medicine he gave me
was the same as LSD and that is why it was all so crazy for me.
I am confident that anyone who has had both a C-Section and has delivered
naturally would pick the latter! There is a lot more to recovery with a C-
Section and it takes time. Due to me having no use of my legs, every move I
make from sitting up to rolling over has to be purely through my arms.
When you pull with your arms, it pulls your stomach muscles. Seeing as
how they cut through my stomach muscles, every tiny move I made was
extremely painful - even with the pain meds. They could mash on my
incision and I don’t feel a thing so that is a positive. The feeling that I had
was like a hot poker being jammed deep inside of my left side. No matter
what I do, that is the only place I feel pain.
They wanted me to try to sit up for awhile every day. The problem I was
having was that every time I sat up for about 5 minutes, I would get
extremely dizzy and nauseous and start blacking out. They did not know
what was causing that and so they had me stay extra to monitor that. I am
still not able to sit up longer than about 20 minutes without the same thing
happening so that is a bother but we hope that as I get stronger, that will fix
itself.
On Monday night (a week after that baby was born), we were still in the
hospital and REALLY wanting to come home. I was missing the kids awful
and just wanted my home. Jimmy was helping me that night and had rolled
me over on my right side. When he rolled me back over on my back, there
was blood everywhere!! It was pouring out of my stomach on the right side
of my incision. We got the nurse and within minute I was surrounded by 3
doctors and 3 nurses. I was talking 100 miles an hour trying to keep my
mind off of the whole situation. They said that I had a hematoma that had
ruptured and blew out the right side of my incision. This has led to Jimmy
having to pack the “hole” with some kind of medicated gauze, that looks
like a shoe string, twice a day. Also, I have to be extra careful now so that
can heal. We were almost feeling like every time we turned around there
was new comlications but we were thankful that we were still at the hospital
when it happened and not an hour and a half away at home.
They let us come home on Tuesday night (after 8 days) and we suprised the
children. They were so happy to see us and we were so happy to be home
with them! The baby is perfect. He never cries unless he is hungry and then
he eats and snuggles right back in.
As for how I am now, I am getting stronger. I am able to make small
transfers by myself now, I am rolling over and sitting up by myself so that is
major!! The pain is less now and I am trying to sit up for as long as I can. I
really cannot stand having to be so dependent on others but that cannot be
helped for now. I cannot thank my sweet hubby enough for all of his love.
Also, my children have just jumped in and cannot seem to help me enough. I
feel so blessed by the love that I am receiving from my precious family.
Until next time....thank you for all your prayers for our family!

Medical Update #3

2009-06-19T19:10:00.000-07:00

I am looking at the title of this post and hoping that there won't be so many more!!:) Here is the latest:
My neurologist called me Wednesday morning and let me know that he was not comfortable with the MRI that the OB doctor had ordered. He said that as a neurologist that he had never heard of having an MRI on your side and that it would be a very fuzzy picture and that it would not show anything so that basically it would be a waste of time. So, I cancelled the MRI for Thursday morning. Then, the neurologist called me Thursday and asked me to come in that day that he had some tests that he wanted to run. So, we went yesterday afternoon and they were able to do a special MRI with what they called a Lumbar Coil that they wrapped around my body. I felt like I looked like a mummy football player! Anyway, with that around me they were able to tilt me slightly to the left until I could tell that I was not going to pass out. They also gave me oxygen the whole time and I think that really helped me to breathe. So, they did the MRI and were able to get a clear enough picture to know if there was anything they could do surgically to relieve any pressure that may be on the spinal cord from a tumor or a mass of any sort that may be there.
The MRI showed that there was nothing there that he can do surgically to take care of this problem right now. This was disappointing in one way because I had a hope that maybe he would find something simple to give me back the use of my legs. However, the positive side is that if there is nothing they can do surgically, then that means we don't have to make any more hard decisions regarding our little baby and any risks to him.
Then, he said that he wanted to do 2 other tests - a Nerve Conductivity test, and an EMG (electro myo graphy). The nerve test was to test my peripheral nerves (for example, carpel tunnel is not a problem with the spinal cord - it is a problem with the nerve near your wrist). So, I guess there are diseases that affect your peripheral nerves that he needed to check mine. So, they put these silver disks taped over my ankle bone and then wires are connected to a computer and he would hit a button on the computer and my toe would jump. Then he would tape it behind my knee, hit the button and my whole leg would jump. He said that my peripheral nerves were responding but that the message was going down but it was not coming back up. He was not sure why this was. Then, the EMG test is a test where they take about a 2 inch needle and put it in the muscles in your legs at different places and wiggle the needle around and the sound that should come from your muscle sounds like loud radio static. One look at that 2 inch needle being pushed in my leg muscles made me thankful, for the first time, that I had no feeling in my legs!!!:) This test checks to see if your muscles are getting any signals from your central nervous system (your spinal cord). My muscles made no noise at all. So, they are not getting any signals from my spinal cord. He tested the muscles in my back where I can start feeling stuff (above my waist) and the muscle sound was loud and clear. So, the doctor said that proves that something acute happened in the spine at the Lumbar area.
The problem is, that he is not sure what. He said that all the symptoms of what happened on March 12th are classic of a stroke in your spine. He said that everything fits that perfectly. Apparently, pregnancy increases your risk of a stroke and they come in like lightning, do damage, and then be gone. The thing that is confusing to him is because of all the symptoms of 2008. He said a stroke would not happen gradually. He mentioned that something called Guillian Barre could cause all of this but that he couldn't say for sure if that was it because he cannot rule out MS although what happened is very uncommon for MS. I asked him if we could rule out MS and he said no. He said that he needs to do a detailed MRI of my brain and spine as soon as I have the baby. Then, that will help him rule in or rule out some other things. So, he won't say anything for sure. He said that he has to figure out if one thing is causing all of this, or if two different things are going on. He just doesn't know yet. I asked him if we could rule out Lou Gherig's disease yet because that is the one that really scares me. He said that yes, he felt we could rule it out because my muscle sound would have been very loud and that was one thing he was checking on. So, I was very happy to have that ruled out and that was another positive for the day!
So, the million dollar question - do we know if I will walk again? We do not know. The doctor said that with anything that happens to the spinal cord, the longer it takes for you to get any movement or feeling back, the less chance you have of a recovery. I did not ask him straight out if he thought I would walk again because I wasn't in the mood to hear an answer. I thought I had had enough info for one day. I will ask at another time I guess.
I will say this, if you want a good perspective on life, go sit in a neurologists waiting room for about an hour. It is very sobering and makes you thankful for the life you have because there is always someone worse than you.
We are going to change and have the baby at a high risk pregnancy center in Cincinnati. The neuro had talked with the OB doctor there and they said that I am a high risk and that I need to be in a better facility and that OB doctor wants my case and will take me as his patient even though I am already 33 weeks. So, we just have to call and make an appointment which we will do Monday morning.
Our hearts are at peace. Although we know that nothing can be done to help me walk right now, we are relieved that the baby will be safe until it is time for him to be born and we won't have to make any hard decisions concerning him. I feel so calm knowing that my Heavenly Father has all of this in control and is concerned for me and my baby and is leading and guiding us and filling us with His peace.
Hopefully, the next update will not be about me!!! I will update again after I see the new OB doctor in a couple weeks and let you know what he is saying about the baby and delivery plans. I want to thank you again for your prayers. Please keep it up. I love you all!

Medical Update #2

2009-06-16T19:50:00.001-07:00

I want to thank you all so much for your prayers. I know the Lord is leading us one little step at a time and we are trying to walk in the light that we are give. Sometimes through all of these things with the baby and my health, I get SO frustrated and unsettled about big and little things. It seems the little things have a tendency to frustrate me more than the big things. However, it is during these times that I realize that I am either being shallow, selfish, or full of self-pity and my eyes and focus are not on the Lord but on my circumstances. I do not want to be an individual like this let alone a Christian who should be a testimony of my precious Lord. So, I guess the struggles are good because they make you take a deeper look and provide an opportunity to mature just a little bit more.
We saw the OB doctor yesterday morning and he is very uncomfortable with inducing an earlier than 39 weeks. He understands the neuro's concerns but doesn't want to induce an earlier. I think this is in part because the hospital is really not equipped for an babies that would be born earlier. Also, the baby is still breech so that worries him. He wants me to have another ultrasound to make sure our little fellow is growing like he should. Also, because I am only able to feel the baby with my hands on the outside of my stomach, I am not feeling him move as much as you would in a normal pregnancy so they just want to keep an extra careful eye on him. For this, I am grateful! The OB wanted to consult with a radiologist about the risk it would be to the baby for me to have a cat scan which he thought I could do on my side but that would involve radiation. I am NOT comfortable with that. I don't mind a cat scan for myself but if I were to have one after this baby was born, then I would not take along Briley, Caleb, Isaiah, Audrey and Macey for a free scan with me. So, I do not want to take Elisha along with me (inside of me) for the scan that only I need. So, I told the doctor I wasn't comfortable with that.
They called me this morning and told me that we were going to try to do another MRI at a different facility where I may be able to lay on my side for the procedure. So that is scheduled for Thursday morning at 9:45. We will try it and see what happens. All we know to do is to take one step at a time and pray about each step and try to follow what we think the Lord would want us to do.
We still have much to pray about and more decisions to make but we thank the Lord for the direction that he has given so far. We are also praying about if we just need to go to a larger facility to deliver the baby now that new things have arisen and kist may be too large for this small hospital where we are currently supposed to deliver. So, please help us pray about that and for the Lord to guide us.
Pray for my poor hubby - he is such a wonderful and devoted man. I am not saying this to be bragging in any way, but he really worries and becomes burdened the most over anything that concerns me and he has always been this way - not just since I became sick. So, with the church burdens he carries as a pastor and now the heaviest burden he has ever had to face with me, I know that he always has a lot on his heart and mind and I am asking you to please uphold him in prayer. He never complains and he is always so willing to do anything but it burdens me to see him carry such a huge load. I thank God for him and cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to go through all of this without this godly man by my side.
I will keep you updated as I know more so that you can pray knowledgeably.
~Alicia

Medical Update

2009-06-13T20:23:00.000-07:00

First of all, I want to thank each of you for your prayers. I know that the Lord has all things in control and He knows what He is doing, and I am trusting in that, but it sure is a blessed comfort to know that people are praying for me.
As far as the update, I am now 32 weeks pregnant and my OB doctor wanted me to see a neurologist as a consultation to see if there was anything MS-wise that they would need to be on a look-out for, or red flags, during delivery. I had to get a new neurologist to do this, because my old neurologist would not take the insurance that we now have. As we went Monday morning to consult with the neuro about what we thought was just a basic routine procedure to please the OB doctor, we were not even slightly prepared for what he told us.
As he came in and asked a LOT of questions and did a thorough examination, he then told us that although everything that has happened in 2008 is very symptomatic of MS, and he was not saying that I did not have MS, but that me waking up suddenly paralyzed from my waist down was not classic MS. Actually, he said that it can happen but that it is very rare - occurring in only about 3% of the MS population. Because of this fact, he said that he was most uncomfortable with saying that what happened on March 12 was because of MS. He was very disappointed that all medical people have been saying "this is MS, and this is awful, but this is the way it is." He said that although that may be the truth in the end, that he was in no way ready to say that right now and he thinks that something else may have happened on March 12 that is not related to MS. At least, he said that he had to pursue it before he would say it was because of MS.
He said that I needed to have an MRI so that we could see what was going on in my spine. I said, "Okay, as soon as the baby is born we will do that." He said that he really was not comfortable with waiting that long because the longer we wait, the more permanent damage might be done. So that led to the next question of "What could it be?" He listed about 15 things in about 30 seconds of possibilities from a blood clot in the spine to a tumor to bleeding in the spine, I can't even pronounce some of the other things he rattled off. Jimmy asked if my life was in danger and he said that he did not think so because it has been 3 months already. We asked if there was something that he found that was fixable, would that mean surgery and could that be done while I was pregnant? He said that yes, it would mean surgery and that we would have to decide what risk would be greater to us - me possibly never walking again, or the risk it may cause to our baby. This, to me, is an impossible question. He said that they may get in there and see something they can fix, or they may see something that they know they cannot fix, or they may see nothing and then we are right back to square one.
However, he told us that we needed to start with the MRI and he wanted to do one right away so we had one scheduled for last night. We had talked to our OB dr. and asked him if it was a risk to have an MRI and he said that he thought that we should do it. We prayed about it, sought some counsel and felt peace to go ahead with the Dr.'s decisions. We kept praying that the Lord would just keep our little baby safe. So, last night, we went to have the MRI done. To make a long story short, I was not able to have the MRI. If I lay on my back for more than about 5 or 6 minutes I begin to pass out. I have known this to be true at home in my own bed, so I was worried that I could make it through the MRI. I told the radiologist this and so she knew that it was a potential problem. Well, sure enough, I started passing out and I hadn't even been in there for 5 minutes and the whole procedure was to take an hour. The radiologist said that the baby is laying on my aorta and cutting off the blood supply to me and the baby and she did not want us to proceed any farther. I agreed knowing that I would just go in and pass out again. So, now we are not sure what will happen next.
The neurologist will want me to be induced early but we are not sure what the OB will think about it. I will talk to the neuro early Monday morning and I have an appointment with the OB on Monday at 10:30 a.m. Since we will be talking about inducing me early, we have to decide what the risk will be to the baby as compared to a chance they may end up finding that nothing can be done at all. If they decided for me to have the baby, I will have to change all plans on where to deliver as the hospital I was planning on delivering at is not equipped for early babies. This will mean another new doctor.
This has all been an emotional roller coaster for me - especially since I am not an emotional girl! I cannot stand the thought of bettering myself if it would hurt the baby. I don't think I could live with the guilt. On the other hand, if there is a chance for me to walk again, and I feel like the new neuro has given some hope, then I would be so very excited. I am afraid to get excited though for fear it won't happen and then I will have to deal with the major disappointment.
Having said all of this, we know that our lives and the life of our baby boy is in the Lord's hands. The very fact that I was passing out on the MRI table last night, was helpful and comforting to me. How? Because we had the green light from all the doctors, and we even felt peace about proceeding and we still feel like we made the right decision to get the MRI, but in the midst of all that, we know the Lord was looking out for us and the baby. Even though we felt a go-ahead about it, we have been praying that the Lord would keep the baby safe, and apparently He stopped the MRI in His own way. This is a comfort because it just reassured once more that He is in control and even in the last minute, He will make His way known. This is a comfort because there may be many more hard decisions to have to make, but the Lord knows our hearts and that we are seeking His face, and we know that He will take care of everything - no matter how everything turns out - it will be according to His will.
This has calmed my heart and I do not fear what decisions may have to be made. We do covet your prayers on our behalf. We KNOW that people are praying and I cannot thank you enough. Please keep it up and know that we love each of you and thank God for you being in our lives.

Multiple Blessings!!

2009-05-18T12:47:00.000-07:00

I have been so behind on blogging and now I feel I have way too much to blog about! However, the blessings from the Lord just keep pouring in and I want to share them and some thoughts that have been in my head scary huh?). I hope I can remember everything I need to say!

Blessing #1 - The Crown Bible Conference
This was such a wonderful encouragement for me. Jimmy had asked me if I still wanted to go to the Bible Conference this year. I told him that I was really nervous about it and that I wanted to hide but I know I cannot do that the rest of my life and I have no intention of doing that, so I decided to go and get it over with!! I knew that if I did not go, I would regret it so bad. Jimmy said that he was leaving it up to me but he was glad I decided to go. He thought it would be good for me. Boy, was he right! I was happy to see and talk to Pastor and Mrs. Sexton. They had been writing me and encouraging me for a few months prior to the paralysis and they asked for me to get there and see them before I ever became paralyzed. Janie and Jeanene had also decided to come in this year and we had all made plans to be together for a couple days. When I knew I would be coming but in a wheelchair (which had not been in the original plans) I told them I did not want to sing at the Conference. They said that was fine and we would just enjoy being together. Jimmy said to me "If Pastor Sexton sees you girls together, he will ask you to sing." I said, "Well, I will tell him no. I am not ready for that." Jimmy said "Are you sure?" I said, "YES!!" So, sure enough, Pastor saw us and said "Girls, you are going to sing right?" Janie and Jeanene just looked at me real pitifully like "we want to but Alicia said we couldn't".:) I said, "Pastor, I can't get up there to sing." He said, "Oh, we will take care of that. That's nothing. You need to sing." So, I very calmly said "Okay." After he walked off I said to the girls, "What am I doing?!!!!! I told you I was going to say no!!" So, we sang. I was a nervous wreck as we were going to get up there but once we were in place, the Lord made me very calm and I was glad to be singing with old friends in our favorite place to sing. That experience really was good to push me out of my comfort zone a little and move forward. I have learned that those moments have helped me go further although they are very uncomfortable at first. I will address this thought later. Of course, I always enjoy seeing everyone at the conference and catching up with dear friends. Our family always enjoys the time spent with Mark and Stephanie Fowler and their girls. They graciously host our large family and we lose much sleep talking and laughing the nights away.

Got this picture off of Faith For The Family - I hope this is allowed!!

I found this old picture of us in college days. We were singing at Jeanene's dad's church for the week-end and we decided that we needed a picture posing like all the famous southern gospel groups. I think we had to take about 10 pictures before we got one where we weren't cracking up laughing. How the pro's do it I'll never know!:)

Blessing #2 - Angela's Pictures
While we were in TN for the Bible Conference, Angela Pepin had written and asked if she could get together with us and take the kids picture. Could she?? I was thrilled! I was very touched when she told me that she could pray for me, and she was, but her pictures were something that she felt she could do for me to be an encouragement to me. I thought that was so sweet and thoughtful. I have since seen the pictures and she was right. There is no greater thrill than, as a mother, seeing your children's personalities captured in beautiful photography. I cannot wait for them to get back from the printer's so I can work on the wall collage that I am putting together. Then, I will see them every day and thank God for precious friends who unselfishly give of their time and talents to be an encouragement to one another.

Blessing #3 - Spending Time With Family
After the days at the Bible Conference, we were able to spend an afternoon with my parents and go to church with them. Both sets of my grandparents were there and that was so nice to see them. Then we went to Jimmy mom and dad's for a couple of days which is a Bible Conference/Spring tradition. We all enjoy the tranquility of the farm to refresh for a couple of days every spring. Of course this year was different for me and once again I was nervous about seeing all the family for the first time. But again, the Lord came through and I was very relaxed and comfortable around every one. That says a lot about our families also, to be able to make me feel like everything was almost normal. Jimmy got the 4-wheeler out at his dad's to ride the kids - which is our favorite farm toy! He told me that he wanted to take me on a ride and I was all for it! When we got on, we remembered that all of the gears and breaks were on the handle and nothing was on the floor. This made me anxious to ride it by myself which I did a good while and took the kids on rides. That was so much fun but it made me crave driving again very badly. And really, made me very sad that I couldn't drive anymore. It was one of those things that I had tried not to dwell on because it leads to self-pity but after riding the 4-wheeler and feeling that freedom again, it was a lot harder to get the thoughts out of my head which leads to blessing #4.

Blessing #4 - My Car!!
After was got back home and settled in, I started researching how I could drive again. I read about hand controls, watched YouTube videos of people getting in and out of cars by themselves with no help, putting their wheelchairs in the car and getting them out and doing what they wanted to do without having to be dependent on someone else. Have I mentioned that I hate having to depend on someone for all of these things?:) So, after I looked at the different hand controls and realized how expensive they were (around $1300 to get them and have them installed), I decided to look on Ebay and see if you could buy the hand controls for cheaper and then have them installed somewhere. My very first search on Ebay for "hand controls" brought up hand controls, but also brought up 3 vans and 1 car. I looked at the car, read about it, and knew it was the car for me. It is a 1999 Eighty-eight Olds, but it only had 33,000 miles on it and had been a one owner. The other thing, was that it was only 4 hours away from us here in Ohio. The original owner had been handicapped and ordered the car brand new with hand controls on it already. After researching and calling a few people about the car, we bought it and Jimmy picked it up that week. I felt like a 16 year old getting their license!! I could not wait to drive again! I actually had not been driving (with the exception of going to Wal-Mart once in a blue moon because it is less than a mile from my house) for about 7 months. The reason being that several time I would go to hit the brake pedal and my foot would just simply not move. This, obviously, does not make for very safe driving. So, I had not been driving and did not want the kids with me if I did. I had already been missing driving and then the paralysis made it seem so much more final that I may really never drive again that it was very sad for me. Having said all that, I have loved having my car. My Jimmy hates buying cars and he was so excited to get this car for me. He said he felt like he handed me back part of my life that had been taken away and since he isn't able to do that for most things, he said it was very exciting for him. He has pretty much let me go and do what I want and hasn't griped a bit. I think I have volunteered for every errand that needed to be ran!!:) The hand controls have become second nature to me and it is a great way to stay popular with children. They think it is the coolest thing they have ever seen - well, that along with playing in the wheelchair!!:)

Blessing #5 - Our Ladies Banquet
I have been so busy the past month preparing for our annual ladies banquet. This is a big deal around here and it has become a tradition for Mark and Stephanie Fowler to come in for the week-end. She speaks at our banquet on Friday night, we all hang out and have fun on Saturday, and he preaches for Friend Day on Sunday. We have kept this tradition for 4 years in a row now and we look forward to their visit every year. We had around 80 women this year and was the largest we've ever had. I am going to have to say this again, but I was nervous as things had to be a little different this year (for example, I could not get up on the stage like I normally would) but it all worked out well. I think this is the best year we have ever had - for the banquet and for Friend Day. We have outgrown our banquet facilities and will have to think of a different location next year. One of the most encouraging things to me was that there were 3 Pastor's wives that are my friends that came this year. None of them had ever been to the banquet and this year they all came. This was the shot in the arm that I needed. Cassie Brown, whose husband pastors in Portsmouth, OH came and brought 5 ladies. She and 2 other ladies sang for us that night and did a beautiful job. Mrs. Suzie Montgomery, whose husband pastors in Chilicothie, OH, came and brought her daughters and a lady from her church, and Mrs. Tammy Palotta, whose husband pastors in Wartburg, TN came and brought 13 ladies with her. As a Pastor's wife, I was so encouraged by their love and support of me by coming to the Banquet. I hope they make it a tradition to come every year!! Stephanie taught a wonderful devotion on being fashioned by God and had made paper dolls and accessories on her Cricut machine. The ladies had a lot of fun putting them together while Stephanie compared what they were doing with a spiritual application. It was a wonderful evening filled with music, funny skits, great catered food, and feasting on God's Word and godly music. It couldn't have gone any better and my heart is refreshed from it. Saturday we enjoyed the day with Mark and Steph and she and I enjoyed playing with her Cricut machine and making some things for the church walls and nursery. Sunday was a wonderful day and Mark did a great job preaching. He is always such an encouragement to Jimmy and to our church. We rejoice in the godly friends that the Lord has allowed us to have.

Blessing #6 - Jimmy's Missions Trip
Although Jimmy left today, and will be gone for 2 weeks, this is still a tremedous blessing to us that he can go on this trip. He went to Kyrgyzstan to work with Daniel and Christina Norton. Jamin Boyer went with him and they have been like 2 little boys planning this trip. Originally, Jimmy wanted to cancel this trip because he did not want to leave me. The first 2 weeks of being paralyzed, I had my own doubts about it simply because I did not know how I could do certain things without him truly picking me up and helping me. But, as I learned more that I could do on my own, I became convinced that he needed to go and began to persuade him to go. I knew we would be alright. He agreed and went forward. The reason this is a blessing to he and I, is that so many people have been such a blessing to us, financially, prayerfully, physically, spiritually, and on and on, that this is a way we felt we could be a blessing to someone else for a change. Our prayer is that he can be a blessing to the missionaries while being there and helping them in their work, and I can be a blessing by supporting and encouraging him 100% so that he will not fret about me and be hindered in the work God would have him to do. We are thankful that the Lord has provided for him to go. The children and I will miss him but we know He is where God wants him to be for the next 2 weeks and we are going to hold down the fort for "daddy" until he gets back. They are all excited to help mommy and I am blessed to have such sweet little children that enjoy being a blessing to us.

Blessing #7 - Our Baby
We are so thankful that the Lord is protecting our little unborn blessing. Elisha Maclaren Reagan is due August 4 but they will deliver him early because they do not want me going into labor for fear that I won't feel it. I have had a lot of questions about my pregnancy and the delivery and how this pregancy is going with me being paralyzed. Instead of me answering all of these here, I have a "new" friend the Lord has brought along my path who is paralyzed and pregnant (we are just a couple weeks apart) and she wrote it all so accurately that I will just send you to her post. I couldn't have said it any clearer, I am thankful that the baby is healthy and we are on the path to a near normal delivery. Here is the link to Jamie's sight and you really ought to read it real quick.http://jamiegoodwin.wordpress.com/2009/05/18/paralyzed-and-pregnant/

Having said all of these blessings, and returning to a thought that I had mentioned earlier, is the thought of all of us being stretched out of our comfort zones. I know this has become realistic to me physically, whether it is singing again in front of crowds and feeling like a spotlight is on my wheelchair (which it is not), or being around people for the first time and still trying to be "Alicia" but knowing that I am newly defined somewhat, or getting in and out of a vehicle in a parking lot and wondering who is watching, to wheeling around a store and everything now being to high to reach or see and literally trying to stretch until you can stretch no more just to see what is on the shelf or to pay with your debit card, to figuring out how to get in someone's house who has no ramp and only steps, to getting in and out of bed or rolling over in bed, or taking a shower and trying to do a simple task of shaving your legs, or just get dressed, or trying to put shoes and socks on, or open a door and getting out of the way so you can get the door opened at the same time, or not being able to reach your stove top or sink or anything in your upper cabinets, to going up the stairs backwards on your rump and lifting your body step by step, to getting back in your wheelchair from the floor, to physical therapy to keep my legs from getting stiff, and I could go on and on. The point is not that I am complaining. The point is that these challenges have made it possible that I have had to push beyond what was normal for me to be able to continue to move forward in my life. This has not been comfortable and I assure you it has not been easy, but it has been good for me. The only other option is to stay inside, in bed and act like life is over. I have realized though, that my arms are a lot stronger, my will is more determined, my spirit is stronger, and I have been able to meet each challenge and slowly conquer them one by one. Not like I used to, but in a new way. These challenges have stretched me as an individual and made me stronger and better.
Now, spiritually, I have not been able to get off my mind the fact that as Christians, we have all got set in our little comfort zones and we are not willing to be stretched any further. We have stagnated our lives spiritually, because we will not allow ourselves any temporary uncomforts that would really help us in the long run to be stronger Christians. So, we stay in our weak and comfortable little spots. That may be fine but don't expect great things from God in your life and in your influence if you are not willing to be stretched farther for him.
Practically, how does this apply? What about attending church faithfully? Even Sunday School and Wednesday evenings? What about volunteering for something - like the nursery, or sunday school teacher or helper, or join the choir, or make a nursing home visit or something. Maybe it is to start a devotion time with your children or reading your Bible and praying faithfully. Something. My challenge to you would be to stop right now, and think of something, or maybe the Lord has already been working on your heart that you need to be stretched somewhere in your life and you already know what it is, but decided right now that you will allow the Lord to stretch you. I promise you, whether it is physically or spiritually, being stretched farther than you are comfortable with always ends up positively and you will be thankful in the long run.

A Month On Easter

2009-04-09T07:24:00.000-07:00

Wow...I cannot believe it has already been almost a month since I have been in a wheelchair. Life is moving so rapidly I do not know where the time has gone! I feel like I have been in a very challenging course in school or something. I think the key word for this time period is "rediscovery". There have been so many things that I have had to learn to do a "new" way and some things that I am still trying to learn and many, many other things that I want to try to learn someday. Rome wasn't conquered in a day I guess.
How appropriate that my 1 month anniversary should fall on Resurrection Sunday. What a day to think about how I could have never gotten through all of this without my very real and alive Saviour. I thank God that I do not love and serve a dead god. I know He lives because I feel His presence in my life every day. I see His hand working, leading, guiding and preparing me for every step of my journey.
I feel like every role in my life - wife, mother, teacher, pastor's wife, homemaker - has had to be approached from a completely different angle. Who would have thought that you would ever have to rediscover how to sweep your floors (hard to wheel yourself around a room and hold a broom let alone get the dirt in the dustpan) or vacuum (can't reach the plug) or do the dishes (can't even reach the faucet to turn it on) or even make your bed? These are things that you do because they need to get done but you never really think about them and if you do think about them, it is normally that you wish you didn't have to do them. Now, when I finally get my floors swept and vaccumed I feel like I have just won the Olympics or something. It is a great feeling of accomplishment even though it may take me an hour to do 2 rooms. It's amazing how your perspective on life changes. I really feel like I can either sit around and mope and pout about it all or I can hit it head on as a challenge and see what can be done.
There are times I get very frustrated and I just have to stop and make myself rethink something and calm down and then start over. That always helps because the more frustrated I get the more difficult it makes it for all of us. It is really the littlest things that can annoy me - trying to get through a doorway and banging the wall 5 times in a row or something like that starts to bring out the "growling" sounds!:) I am convinced that my house is going to have to be entirely repainted and maybe all of the drywall replaced by the time I learn to drive this chair!! I really think they should require a special driver's license or something!!:)
Speaking of driver's license...it made me think of a perk with all of this - handicap parking! Now if you want to get my hubby to start growling, it is when we go somewhere and all of the handicap spots are taken up. You can't just park in any spot because you have to have plenty of room to get the doors open good and wide to get the wheelchair to my door so I can get in and out of it. So, the handicap spaces are wider so that you have room to do that (I told you this was like a college course!). If there are no handicap spots left then you can't just go find another close spot because a car would park too close to you. So, you have to go all the way out in the parking lot where no one wants to park so that you have room to maneuver. This upsets him way more than it does me (unless it is raining) and really gets me quite tickled because I hear the same speech from him every single time. "We better go in this store and see a lot of people in wheelchairs because if I don't, I am really going to be mad!!" If you know Jimmy, just hearing him say that he is going to be mad about something is so strange that this always sets me off on a laughing spell because he gets so worked up about it. I am not able to get in and out of our van by myself (yet!) and so he always has to take me so we have this conversation/laughing spell quite often because in this county I think you can get a handicap parking permit if you are a drunk (that is a disability you know) so you can hardly ever find a spot. I don't know why this tickles me so much but I am even chuckling about it while I am typing this!!
Laughter truly has been a great medicine for me and I thank the Lord for creating it. I am thankful that His grace has been so abundant that I am able to laugh and find joy even in these circumstances. Please, don't misunderstand me, there are times that my mind starts to dwell on things that are not healthy. Like, it's my legs now, but where will this be in 1, 5 or 10 years. Or, even if it stays like this for the rest of my life, I am only 31, I could be in this chair for the next 50 years!! Or, planning a roller skating party for the kids in our church and knowing I will not be able to skate with my children. These are thoughts that want to take over sometimes, but if I allow them to go there, it will either lead to self-pity or to fear and that is not where God wants our minds to be. So, the Lord helps me to think on things that "are of good report" and keep my mind on Him. I have to take one day at a time, and live my life to the fullest because I never know what tomorrow could bring.
Are there blessings out of all of this? Oh my, I cannot even begin to tell you all of them. I will try to name a few:
1. The unity of our church and how they have come together in a common bond. I am such a people person and I love our people dearly, that I have always made it a practice to go around the room at our services and hug each of our ladies, tell them hello and that I loved them. I worried how I would do this now because our church has slanted floors and it is not easy getting around. I was afraid I would be a little lonely at the services while everyone congregated to talk and I may not be able to get to them to join in. This has truly been a ridiculous fear!! I not only get many hugs myself, but I also get many kisses from my abundance of "mommas" in our church. I am surrounded by people waiting to talk to me before and after the services and jokes are being made about the "bottleneck" in the church during the fellowship chorus while people are hugging me and saying hi. I feel so very loved and the Lord has proved to me once again how silly it is to worry over these trivial things.
2. The love of my distant friends and family. I have received so many visits, cards, flowers, phone calls, and e-mails from everyone letting me know that they love me and are praying for me. If that doesn't boost your morale, I don't know what will.
3. Physically, I am now almost 100% pain free except for my hands which are receiving a work out they have never had before so I don't if that is why they hurt or if it is the MS, but either way, it is very bearable compared to the terrible pain I have had in my legs all year. I feel like a new person not being in pain all the time and I am ready to conquer the world again (although differently!)
4. Spiritually, I have never felt so close to the Lord. Maybe I should say that I have never felt Him so close to me. I know without a doubt that He has been a very present help in time of trouble. I know that when I get scared or confused or frustrated or grumpy that He is there and He understands and He is waiting to help me if I will just call out to Him. I have many times and He is right there ready to comfort me. I love Him so very much and my greatest fear is that I will fail Him through all of this.
5. My husband and children. My precious Jimmy is so wonderful and the Lord has helped him tremendously. We talk all the time about how life has dramatically changed for our family in one way, but in the things that matter, it has not. My role as a momma, is still to love my children, teach them God's Word, train them to grow up and serve their Lord, and set the atmosphere of happiness and peace in our home. You do not have to be able to walk to do this. Actually, it seems like now, I have even more time for them to come crawl up in my lap and we talk of things. Sometimes, in the mornings, Jimmy will still be reading his Bible in the office, and I will be in bed and will have read my Bible, but will be waiting on him to come in and help me get up, and the children will all come in and pile in bed with me. We will talk and play and tickle and giggle and it has turned into quite a wonderful morning tradition that we really never had before. The children are so sweet and are sometimes way too helpful - like putting my brakes on for me when I am trying to roll from one room to another!:) I truly am thankful for my precious family. On that note, I saw the baby doctor on Tuesday and they want me to get an evaluation at a high-risk pregnancy hospital. I really would like to stay where I am at since I am about 6 months along, but they are a small town hospital and have never dealt with a delivery of a paralyzed woman. My doctor said that we may throw the whole hospital into a state of shock!! However, there is a high risk of blood clots and the chance that I may not be able to feel going into labor so we need to have other plans ready. As far as the baby, his heartbeat is very steady. Since I cannot feel him moving (and you Mommy's know this is a security blanket for us to feel our babies move throughout the day) the doctor said to come in at any time to hear the heartbeat and they will not charge me. I thought that was so very sweet. So, my consultation appt. at the high risk facility is on April 28th. I should know more about what is going on by then I think.
We are coming to Tennessee for the Crown Bible Conference next week and I will be around from Monday evening till Wednesday morning. I am looking forward to seeing some of you.
Well, this has been a very lengthy and rambled post but it is a beautiful day outside and I felt like a long chat. If you have endured this to the end, I thank you and you should get a reward for your patience!!:)

My Faith Has Found A Resting Place

2009-03-24T18:45:00.000-07:00

It has been over a week since I posted last and almost 2 weeks since waking up on "that" day on March 12th. Time has a way of sorting things out a bit so I thought I better offer an update and share where my heart is now.

One thing that Jimmy and I have talked about is the "shock" value of all of this. It has just taken everyone off guard so. Our church has pulled together like you wouldn't believe. It has been so precious to see God's people respond in our time of need. Jimmy was thanking the church Sunday and said that there is no hidden clause anywhere that says a church has to treat their Pastor's family so wonderfully but they do anyway and that is true Christian love. We are so honored to serve the Lord here with them. As for me, I believe that the shock value hasn't been as severe on me as it has been on everyone else. I know that may sound crazy, but I feel like I have been living in this body all year and felt it going downhill. My legs had been getting weaker and weaker for months now and I had already told Jimmy that if something didn't slow down that I was really worried for where I was headed. I just didn't expect it to be so extreme suddenly. Also, I have been in a lot of pain all year. Since this has happened, my pain is completely gone in my legs. Either that, or I can't feel it, I don't know. But I do know that it has been so wonderful not to live in extreme pain every day. So, I count that as a blessing out of all of this. Overall though, life has a way of moving on and you learn to adjust with it.

I started therapy on Friday. The therapist was a very nice guy named Mark. He did a very long assessment on me and for now, I do not have anything at all in my legs. I am able to bend my toes down but I can not lift them back up. Of course, he had a name for that but I don't remember. He talked to me that his first job was to educate the patient but he could tell that I knew some about MS. He stuttered about for awhile about how we were going to proceed and what the priorities would be. After stumbling over his words and talking about "home modifications" and "proper fitting wheelchairs" I asked him if he was trying to tell me that this was probably more permanent than temporary. He said that yes that was what he was trying to say but he did not want to be the bearer of bad news. I assured him that I already knew this to be a realistic possibility. He said he was glad that I knew that because it made the rest of our discussion much easier. He said that it was probable that I could regain something but things would never be the same. So, the course of action for now is to keep working on the house and making some needed changes. Also, getting a proper wheelchair that will enable me to be more independent is in the works.

Physically, every day is met with new challenges that you never think about. From not being able to see in any mirror in the house to do your hair and make-up, to your almost 2 yr old telling you "NO!" and running and hiding in a hole where you can't reach her and trying to stay consistent with discipline!! Some of the challenges are frustrating and others are very, very funny. Boredom has now become my best friend and is always with me. I am looking forward to the new wheelchair that I will be able to spend all my time in and be comfortable. Then, I will be able to explore new things. The one I am using now is very uncomfortable and hurts my back a lot after just a little while so I sit in my "comfy" chair in my living room. There I feel pretty much stuck. This is kind of hard on this once active girl. With the new chair, I hope to be active once again!

Emotionally, I am so thankful for the Lord's presence in my life. I never realized how terribly important a personal relationship with the Lord is, until this has happened. I mean, I knew it was important and wanted one, but the impact it has on your life in a severe trial, I never understood how important it would be. On Tuesday, March 10, in my daily Bible reading, I read Ps. 119:71. It says "It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes." That verse had jumped out at me that day, and I had underlined it and wrote beside it "Lord, help me to always view it this way" and had dated and signed my initials. The next day was when I was so terribly sick and slept almost all day, and then I woke up Thursday paralyzed from my waist down. Looking back, I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord gave me that verse to help prepare me. I think that is so precious of Him. I keep thinking to myself "What if I had skipped my Bible reading that day?" I know that my happiness and the joy of the Lord in my life and our home is not in the conditions of the future. I don't want to feel like "I know God can heal me and I have faith that He can do this so I am trusting in that!" While I do know that He can heal me if He wants to, I want to trust Him now, today, no matter what happens. I want the joy of the Lord in my current circumstances - not in waiting for what may or may not happen. I read the other day in Heb. 4:16 "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need." It does not say we will find all of our answers or even healing, but it does say we will obtain mercy and find grace to help in our time of need. All I can say to this is a hearty AMEN!! I am so refreshed by the grace of God every day. Some days, I need a bigger dose than others but the Lord always gives me the exact prescription for that day.

This is where my faith has found its resting place. That my precious Heavenly Father loves me, and is only bringing about in my life that which will make me more Christ-like and that is my hearts desire. I only pray that I never disappoint Him - He truly has been so very good to me.

My faith has found a resting place,
Not in device nor creed;
I trust the Ever-living One,
His wounds for me shall plead.

I need no other argument,
I need no other plea;
It is enough that Jesus died,
And that He died for me.

Enough for me that Jesus saves,
This ends my fear and doubt;
A sinful soul I come to Him,
He'll never cast me out.

My heart is leaning on the Word,
The written Word of God,
Salvation by my Savior's name,
Salvation through His blood.

My great Physician heals the sick,
The lost He came to save;
For me His precious blood He shed,
For me His life He gave.
~ Eliza Hewitt

2009-03-16T11:35:00.000-07:00

This post may has no title because I could not come up with just one. There are so many things running through my mind right now I don't know if I will be able to get it all out where it make sense so please bear with me.
I have already mentioned in a previous post that I have been having trouble with my legs and they seem to have been getting weaker and weaker the last 3 months. On Wednesday of last week, I was very sick with a bad spell. I slept most of the day, trying to get up for a couple of hours, and unable to stay up. I slept through church and after church was over, a couple of ladies came over to stay with my children while Jimmy took some people home. They came in to check on me and I noticed that I did not feel the blankets on my legs. I just thought since I had been in one position they were just asleep. I woke up Thursday morning though, and I was paralyzed from my waist down. I have absolutely no feeling in my legs and am not able to move them at all. I have seen my doctor and at this time, we do not know if this will be permanent or temporary. Only time will tell that. Because I am 20 weeks pregnant, this causes a complication simply because of the limitations of medications in pregnancy. There really isn't anything medicine-wise that they could do right now except a high dose treatment of steroids which my doctor does not think is safe for the baby. Even the steroids would not take away any paralysis, but if it is temporary, then it could maybe speed up the process a little. So, it is a wait and see thing. My doctor does think that it is possible that I have a more progressive form of MS, simply because every symptom that I have developed has never gone away. If that is the case, then I know that I must prepare myself that this could very well be a permanent situation. I would rather prepare my mind in that way and then be excited if it is temporary, then to constantly hope it is temporary and be disappointed and frustrated every day. I will be starting physical and occupational therapy this week. The doctor said physical therapy really won't do anything because this is not a muscle problem - so, strengthening your muscles won't do a lick of good. My muscles are fine. It is like talking to a deaf person and asking them to do something for you. They have the ability to do it, they would be able to do it if they could understand you, but since they can't hear you, they cannot complete the command. So, my brain is telling my legs what to do, but they can't "hear" it because the signal has been destroyed. He said we could try a little physical therapy though if we wanted too. Occupational therapy teaches you how to adjust your life to living in a wheelchair which I need major lessons in!
Now, as far as me and how I am doing with all of this. As you can imagine, this has been a huge shock. You know that with MS it is a possibility but I guess you never could really prepare yourself for the real deal. I could not write about this for a few days. It was all so overwhelming and I didn't know what to say. I want to be perfectly honest in my feelings and emotions.
I was sad for Jimmy and him having to take care of me. I was sad for the kids and how life will be different in so many ways for our family. I was sad for myself because every tiny thing has become a challenge - from rolling over in bed to putting my socks on. There is an element of fear in knowing that an accident has not caused this but a disease and it could take even more away in the future - but I will not let myself dwell on this and am trying to just take it one day at a time. I am thankful the Lord has given me a spunky personality because I view every obstacle as a personal challenge and I am determined to do it by myself - even though my stubbornness has been foolish a time or two. For Jimmy, he said the shock hits him in waves like when someone suddenly dies. He said that he will be going along just fine and then it will hit him that his wife cannot walk. For me, it has not hit me like that, I guess because I live with the feeling (or lack of it) every second so it is always there. It hits me in little ways, like when I bowed my head to eat Thursday and I was going to silently pray over my food. I started my prayer with "Heavenly Father, thank you for this day...." That is as far as I could get. At this point, I cannot thank God for "that" day. There are many things about the day that I can be thankful for (my kids, my hubby, the sunshine, etc.), but to be thankful for "that" day - the dreaded day that no one with MS ever wants to think about - no, I am not thankful. Not yet. Jimmy said that God says that all things work together for good - not that all things are good. The importance is to trust the Lord and He will work ALL things for good - even the things that are not good. Another time, is at church a few times yesterday. Of course, just going to church in a wheelchair was very dreaded. But, I will not sit home and hide. Life must go on. But little things like, "Would each of you stand and take your hymn book..." or singing "Wherever He Leads, I'll Go". These are the things that seem to hit me. I know this will get easier with time.
Overall though, I feel that the Lord has helped me so very much. I have tried to see each challenge as an oppurtunity to find happiness in instead of frustration. I know this may sounds suprising, and I know a lot of it has to do with my personality ( I have a hard time with sadness), but there has been much laughter in this home the last few days. There are really so many comical things that have happened - yes, I know that in reality it may be viewed as sad because of the inability to do something. but in this learning process of how to do old things a new way, there have been a lot of comical moments. I think it is helpful to the children to keep the mood light and that it is okay, we will all learn to get through this with laughter at our awkwardnesses instead of sadness and anger. The kids are doing great and loving playing in the wheelchair.
I have been absolutely overwhelmed and humbled at all the love I have received. Yesterday at church, I got many cards and hugs and kisses. The ladies of my church had a meeting and are bringing us meals for the next 3 weeks at least. One lady is paying for a massage therapist to come to my house and give me a massage. I got flowers today from a dear friend in England. Our deacon's son, who lives in Columbus, took today off from work just to go to different wheelchair stores to find out exactly what kind of wheelchair I will need to make me be able to be as independent as possible. He is going to see if they will let him bring a few home with him to try out and he is going to drive them to me so we can decide what I need. Another man owns a company that builds huge metal buildings and stuff. He is donating the lumber so we can get a ramp built for outside of the house. We have received numerous phone calls from people with "connections" who can help us get what we need. Ladies have offered to come clean, or do laundry and the blessings and love just keep pouring in. I truly feel like my "cup runneth over".
So, my dear friends, you have just read my heart as accurately as I know how to write it. Please pray for my precious family and our church. They are so dear to me and this is a difficult time for all of them. I love each of you and am so thankful that I have so many loved ones that I can pour my heart to and know you truly care and love me and will pray.

Oh Love That Will Not Let Me Go

2009-03-04T10:16:00.000-08:00

I have kind of dreaded writing this post because I am about to talk about myself negatively. Who wants to do that right? But...if this blog is about my journey with MS, I really want to be honest and not ever seem like a hypocrite and only write the great things here and never the struggles. So here goes.
Last Thursday, I started feeling pretty rotten again. We had had Ladies Meeting on Tuesday night and I went on a shopping excursion Wednesday with some of the ladies from church (even though I did more sitting then shopping - preventative medicine you know), then church Wednesday night. So, it did not surprise me when I woke up Thursday morning not feeling so great. But, I wasn't as bad as I thought I could have been with all the activity the couple days before. As the day wore on, I could feel myself getting worse and with that came a bad case of grumpies. I managed to stay pretty calm with the kids but my poor hubby. It seemed like everything he asked me, I was so snappy. I would think to myself "Why are you being so grumpy?" Thursday night, I barely got any sleep because of the pain and my legs spasming, so Friday I was grumpy again and feeling even worse. Jimmy, bless his heart, was trying to be very careful with what he said to me and I was trying not to talk because I was afraid of my own grouchiness. He had a quick appointment Friday evening in Cincinatti and asked if me and the kids wanted to ride along with him and we would eat at CiCi's Pizza. I knew that he was trying to cheer me up, and I had felt bad for the kids. I really didn't feel up to going but 5 sets of eyes were all looking at me begging to go so we went. It was sweet seeing how happy the kids were and the pizza was good, but before we ever got done eating I knew I probably shouldn't have come. By the time we got back home, I literally could hardly get back into the house. Jimmy got me in, got me ready for bed, and tucked me in. Then, he took all the kids downstairs with him to watch a movie so it would be quiet so "Mommy can rest."
I laid there, feeling like an absolute dog that I had been so grumpy with him. Why is it we take it out on the ones we love the most? I laid there, miserable and feeling sorry for myself (not a good combination). I decided that me and my Heavenly Father better have a talk. So, I started praying and thanking God for my wonderful husband. For his love and patience and compassion even when I had been ugly. I was comforted by the fact that the husband is to love his wife like Christ loved the church and how thankful I was that my precious Jimmy loved me like that. Then, I got to thinking about the Lord and His love for us. How that He loves us even when we fail Him, even when we mistreat Him, even when we ignore Him and His precious Word. He loves me anyway. His love never changes even if my heart is cold because He has perfect love. I thought about that passage that where Jesus was telling Jerusalem (who was doing so wrong) that He wanted to gather them together like a mother hen does her chicks under her wings. He wanted to "tuck them in" but they wouldn't let Him. I don't want to be like that. When He is longing to "tuck me in" I want to let Him.
I did not sleep well that night either but I did have a comfort in my heart knowing that even when I am not the Christian, or wife, or mother that I should be, He still loves me and wants to comfort me. I also went to sleep with a deeper love and appreciation for my hubby. I watched my wedding video this week and when I watched us say our vows, I cried. To hear my husband promise "in sickness or in health" was overwhelming to me. That day, we meant it but never gave it any serious thought. Today it means everything to me because he is living it.
My friend said to me that pain in our lives (whatever it may be) has a way of stripping the holiness facade from our lives and truly revealing what is in our hearts. Ouch!! I know she is right though. She said that when people have good health and everything is going well, it is easy to pretend. But when you are struggling, then the real deal comes out. My prayer is that when the pain is the worst, and the struggle is greater, that my heart can still continue to find comfort in my precious Lord. And it will, if I will turn to Him!
I am feeling a little better and hopefully my grouchiness is improving!:)

O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee,
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee,
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee,
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee,
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.
~ George Matheson

Wings As Eagles

2009-02-25T19:02:00.000-08:00

Jimmy and I were on our way to yet another doctor's appointment, and we were driving down the highway. It was a very windy day and I looked out ahead of us, and there was this big hawk soaring on the wind. He would take one big flap and then just soar for a very long time. Then he would flap again and soar a long time more. I sat there, watching him out the window thinking how he looked like he was enjoying his flight. The verse immediately popped in my mind, Ps. 55:6 "And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest." As soon as I thought that, it sounded like a great introduction to a pity party so I then redirected my mind to Isa 40:31 "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." My thoughts then ran to how that bird used the wind to his advantage. Instead of fighting against it, getting nowhere, and wearing himself out, he let it get under him and soar him to greater heights without any effort.
Then, I began to wonder why would God (the Creator and Master of the wind)allow the wind to come into our lives? I went home and studied my Bible and looked where the word "wind" was used.
Here is a few things I came up with:
~ To show His power - Mark 4:37-41 - this is the story of Jesus calming the storm for the disciple on the boat when they were so afraid. He proved He was God.
~ To get our attention when we are running away from God - Jonah 1:1-4 - the Lord sent a great wind so they would throw Jonah overboard.
~ To fix our stinking attitudes and correct our perspective - Jonah 3:10-4:11 - this is where Jonah was pouting because God had not destroyed Ninevah and the gourd had grown over Jonah's head to give him shade and God sent a vehement east wind to kill the gourd and get Jonah to see that he was more upset over the life of the gourd then the lives of the Ninevites.
~ To help us see that He is the only way of deliverance - Matthew 14:22-32 - this is the story of Peter walking out to Christ on the water and he became afraid. The Bible says that he became afraid when he saw that the wind was boistrous - not the sea. I am glad that Peter did not try to swim or ask his buddies to throw him a rope. He knew who his Deliverer was and immediately called for help.
~ To cleanse so the light of God may shine more brightly. Job 37:21 "And now men see not the bright light which is in the clouds: but the wind passeth, and cleanseth them." I think this is a beautiful verse. When you are in a plane and you are high above the clouds, the sun is shining beautifully and the skies are a brilliant blue. You look down and you can see the clouds below you. When you are on the ground, you cannot see the sunshine and the beautiful sky. You only see the clouds. God uses the wind to move our weather patterns. We watch the clouds move quickly across the sky when a storm is blowing in, and the same wind will move those clouds away to give us a beautiful day.
It can be the wind that removes the “clouds” out of our lives so that others can more clearly see the brightness of the Light of the world shining in our lives.
You know, a dove is known for its speed. An eagle is known for its strength. It is much better for us not to pray for a speedy deliverance, but for the strength to wait on the Lord. If we have only enough strength to look up (like the children of Israel in the wilderness when they were bit by the serpent, and only had to look up at the brazen serpent to be saved), then we are waiting on the Lord and HE will renew our strength. We have to desire His help though.
Every time I look at birds flying now, especially as spring is just around the corner and they are more active, I am reminded to wait on my precious Savior. Not on my time table, but on what He knows will be fulfilled in my life. Not according to my demands, but according to His desires for my life. Not a bargaining chip, but a "though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." This is the wait. This is where true strength for this journey lies. Not in the human body, but in the heart of a believer.

When the race still lies before me,
And the wind is blowing strong;
When the witnesses surround me,
And my strength is almost gone.
When the valley plunges deeper,
And life shatters all my dreams,
Then I lift my voice to Jesus,
And He gives my spirit wings.

God give wings, God gives wings as eagles.
God gives wings to fly and strength
to rise above.
God gives wings, God gives wings as eagles.
When my feet begin to stumble,
And my dreams begin to crumble,
I mount up on eagle's wings.

Let us run the race with patience;
Let us lay each weight aside;
Looking only unto Jesus,
He shall be our faithful guide.
He has run the race before us,
He has won the victor's crown.
And He calls to every Christian,
"Follow me to higher ground."

God gives wings, God gives wings as eagles.
God gives wings to fly and strength to rise above.
God gives wings, God gives wings as eagles.
When my feet begin to stumble,
And my dreams begin to crumble,
I mount up on eagles wings.
I mount up on eagle's wings!
~ Ron Hamilton

Jesus Is All the World To Me

2009-02-20T11:25:00.000-08:00

I am the kind of person who likes to know what I am dealing with. I ask a lot of questions and I read what I can about it.

One time, our van needed the spark plugs changed. My Jimmy is a wonderful husband and talented in many ways, but working on cars is not his thing. Well, we didn't have the money to take it to a shop, and I have always like to work on cars and have helped my dad and brothers before, so I decided that this was one job that I could handle. I got the Ford manual book out of the library, studied how to do it, and went and bought the parts. I was very confident and excited as I opened the hood. There was only one small problem, I could only find 3 of the spark plugs. I had no clue where the other ones had gone too! Thankfully, our deacon came to my rescue and helped me finish the job (and find the spark plugs!)

After they told me that I needed to research the medications for MS, then I decided that if I was going to research MS, I was going to know everything about it. I have exhausted the Cincinnati library system of all of their MS books, have read everything online that I can find about it from physicians manuals, to scientific journals, to forums of people that live with MS every day. The forums have been a real eye opener because it is real people that talk about real problems that we all understand because we too live with it. Doctor's can only go by what you tell them and what the textbooks tell them. People that have MS, live in their bodies every day and I assure you they can tell you a lot more than the doctors can.

However, one thing that has saddened me is the depths of despair that some people are living in. Statistics show that suicide is the #1 cause of death in MS. People talk about the horror of the unknown future, the frustration of their daily lives and how they are tired of living it, the many avenues they have gone down looking for a cure and their despair at not having found it, and the overall feeling that they are licked. In fairness, there are those out there who are positive and you can tell are trying to keep their chins up, but overall the attitude is very sad.
As I read about these people's lives, I am constantly reminded of how thankful I am that I am a Christian. Not only because that secures my future, but because it has provided me such a constant comfort, knowing that I can turn to my Heavenly Father and leave my burdens and fears with Him. Such sweet peace comes from simply trusting it all to Him. I cannot imagine going through life in the good times without the Lord and I especially cannot imagine going through the valleys without Him. As my friend in England says, "No disease can take God's grace from you." How true that is. It can't take my joy, my peace, my security, my hope - because HE is all those things to me and as long as I have Him, I am whole. I am so thankful that Jesus truly is all the world to me!

Jesus is all the world to me, my life, my joy, my all;
He is my strength from day to day, without Him I would fall.
When I am sad, to Him I go, no other one can cheer me so;
When I am sad, He makes me glad, He’s my Friend.

Jesus is all the world to me, my Friend in trials sore;
I go to Him for blessings, and He gives them over and o’er.
He sends the sunshine and the rain, He sends the harvest’s golden grain;
Sunshine and rain, harvest of grain, He’s my Friend.

Jesus is all the world to me, and true to Him I’ll be;
O how could I this Friend deny, when He’s so true to me?
Following Him I know I’m right, He watches o’er me day and night;
Following Him by day and night, He’s my Friend.

Jesus is all the world to me, I want no better Friend;
I trust Him now, I’ll trust Him when life’s fleeting days shall end.
Beautiful life with such a Friend, beautiful life that has no end;
Eternal life, eternal joy, He’s my Friend.
~ Will L. Thompson

The Story of My Particular Journey

2009-02-18T14:53:00.000-08:00

It started in 1997 while I was in Bible college. My left eyelid started twitching like crazy, nonstop, and my left eye went blurry. This lasted a couple of weeks, and so I went to the eye doctor. He told me it was stress and to go home. I believed him because in college you always have stress.
In 2000, my left pinkie finger went numb and then it spread to my hand and up my left arm. I was extremely tired and had a lot of pain - like shocks of electricity running though my body. I saw a doctor. He ran blood work, and eventually (after a couple of months) ordered an MRI. He said it was "relatively normal" and then asked me if I knew I was pregnant. I did not! He told me that my body must be making too much fluid and it was pressing on my nerves. When I was about 4 months along, I felt back to myself.
Throughout the next years, I can see small episodes that occured although I would have never put them all together. Hindsight is always 20/20 you know!
In June of 2007, I had my 5th child. Ever since she was born, I could not get any energy back. I was always so tired! At firt, I thought that was because I was a busy momma and she was a nursing baby. She cried for the first 6 weeks so that will certainly make you tired. Every day, my husband would let me sleep in, I would take a 2 hour nap in the afternoon and be falling asleep in the evenings until I would go to bed early. By the time she was 7 or 8 months along, and sleeping peacefully through the night, I begin to wonder what was up with this awful fatigue. In May, I begin to experience that awful pain again. It is hard to explain but once you feel it, you will never forget it. I immediately recognized this pain as the pain I had in 2000. So, I therefore assumed that I was pregnant. After 2-3 different months of pregnancy tests (that were all negative), I decided that I had better see a doctor. I figured that my system was out of balance after having babies and I probably just needed some good vitamins to boost me back up again. By this time, I was also experiencing numbness again, this time in my right arm and toes. I was also having touble with keeping my balance. I was not dizzy, I just couldn't seem to stand up straight without feeling like I was tipping over.
On my first visit to the doctor, he asked me if I had ever heard of Multiple Sclerosis. I told that yes I had and was tested years before but I was only pregnant. He then asked for that story and said that he didn't want to scare me, but that we were going to have to check into this. He wanted to run blood tests first and rule out some simple things like thyroid and Vitamin D and B-12. After seeing the doctor several more times, he became convinced that we were dealing with MS and wanted me to see a neurologist.
Off to the neurologist I went with more blood work to rule out other disease that mimic MS, and neurological examinations and lots of questions. By the second visit, they told me that they were 99.9% sure that I had MS. There is no single test that is available to diagnose so different neuro's diagnose different ways. Most have to follow what is called the McDonald criteria which has several different things that they look for. They told me that I met all of the criteria except one - finding lesions (scars) on my MRI's. They also told me that some people don't show these scars for awhile and some people never show them at all. Since they are a MS Center, they said that their job is to get people on the shots, have them come back every 6 months or so for more MRI's to see if your progressing and then tell you if they think you are or not and if the medicine is working or not.
I had already decided, after researching the medicines available and the statistics that go with it, that at this point I will not take the meds. I know they have helped a lot of people, but there are also a lot of people who have not been helped at all. Since MS is such an individual disease and hits every single person differently, then they are not 100% sure if the meds helped or if that was just their version of the disease. The risks and side-effects sounded a little more deadly to me then MS, so for now I am steering clear of them. I am seeing my regular doctor, who I have 100% confidence in, to manage my symptoms. I figure I know my own body better than a doctor will in terms of me progressing or not. I reckon I won't need an MRI to tell me if I am worse. I am pretty sure I will know.:) This is all a very personal decision and I would never tell someone else what they should do in the same circumstances. I just know this is the way I am going to go. Since there is no cure for MS, all they can really do is to monitor you. So, I will be a student and learn all I can about it and listen to my own body. The rest is in the Lord's hands.
As far as where I am now...there are so many things that are not the same since May. I have a friend in England who has MS and we have decided that it is like going through an identity crisis. "Who belongs to this body that I now have? It certainly isn't me because it is nothing like I was!" The Lord helps you adjust though. Though I might add, I am afraid that at times I do not adjust very gracefully! I believe this is my "new" normal. Even in this new normal, there are days when I am better and days when I am worse. I have the most fits with my legs. They are weak and wobbly feeling all of the time. I just can't be on them for a long time or they just start giving out on me. Next would be my balance, and then the tremors and spasms I get in my arms and legs. I do have areas that are numb but that is more of a nuisance than a true problem. I am in pain probably about 90% of the time but mostly I try to keep my mind busy and not think about it. Night's are worse because you are trying to go to sleep, not keep your mind busy! Thankfully, I have been able to stay medicine free so far. Although, I will admit that many times had it been in the house....but you always hope tomorrow will be a better day and you get through it.
There are so many other crazy things that happen on and off that you just grin about it and nobody would have a clue what you were talking about unless they had MS and know that it does whacky things to you!:)
So, this is the story of my journey so far. A trio that I used to sing in sang a song called "My Life Lord Is Your To Control". The chorus says:
My life, Lord, is Yours to control,
I give You my heart and my soul,
I'll seek Your will, never mine,
Rich treasures to find.
Give wisdom to choices I make,
Along every path that I take,
So when I complete life's race,
"Well done", You will say.

This path has already handed me treasures, things I have learned, going through all of this. I hope to be able to share the things I have learned and what I will still learn. My life is truly in His hands.