New Therapy Goals

I had to cancel therapy yesterday morning because of the snow. I was really bummed about it. I had already missed a week and a half because of the holiday's and that was okay. I was just really ready to hit it again. So, when we awoke to snowy roads and salt trucks I was sad.

We are still going to therapy twice a week and Jeremy (my therapist) has given me LOTS of homework to do at home every day along with exercises I am to try to do with the E-Stim machine. From the time I wake up in the mornings, it is about an hour and a half before I come out of my room because of exercises. It is a lot of hard work but I am starting to see some pay-off especially since we have started the E-Stim machine at home every day.

For example, I have always been able to bend my toes down (since the beginning) but I can now lift them up on my right foot and I can lift them on my left foot if you tickle the bottom of my foot (I can't feel the tickle but they will lift only then - crazy I know!) If I am laying flat on my back and my knees are bent up, I can keep my right leg from flopping over on the bed and can almost lay it over slowly but I haven't quite got all the control on that once gravity is taking it down. The left leg is a different story - it is the wicked step-child! I can tell that my transfers seem easier. I don't really feel or know why but they just seem easier to me. I know I am stronger in my upper body but it seems like it is more than that so I think some muscles must be kicking in somewhere and helping although I don't know which ones. I may be dreaming on this one but it just seems like it to me. As of this week, I am able to move my legs a tiny bit (again the right one mostly) when I am sitting in my chair. This is a first because any movement I had before was only laying flat on my back where absolutely no gravity was on me. I am getting some feelings back though at this time they are not at all pleasant. If you touch my skin I cannot feel it but I feel like I can feel stuff deep in my bones. Like yesterday, about 6 inches of my left thigh bone hurt SO bad all day long and I don't have a clue why. But...it's feeling something which is more than it has been so I guess that's good. I could probably name a few more things that seem really minor but to me they are pretty major!

Having said all that, our course of therapy is changing. At the first, all of our exercises were really range of motion kind of stuff to stretch my muscles back out and stuff like that. But now, since the E-Stim machine has come into play, therapy has bloomed into a lot of trial and error kind of stuff. I think Jeremy's famous words are "Let's try this and see what happens!" I always say "Let's roll!" Every time I say that, I want to hear the theme song for Rawhide to come on in the background...."roll 'em, roll 'em, roll 'em". :) I think it would be a great dramatic effect!

So, Jeremy told me today that it was time for him to fill out his new goals for me. I asked him what they were and he said that his new goals for me were standing and walking with the parallel bars. Just hearing the words "walking with parallel bars" sent shivers down my spine! I told Jeremy that I have had some say to me "Oh! If you can move your feet, then you will be walking in no time!" and that I did not know how to reply to that. He said to say that we are working as hard as we can, and that we want to stay positive but that we also must stay realistic. He said that walking involves a LOT and that we are just not anywhere near that right now and may never be but that we are just taking one day at a time. I guess I needed to hear him say those things as much as I need to tell anyone else.

I have a lot of mixed emotions about it all. I told Jimmy I feel like my body is teasing me somewhat. Every little thing that I feel like might be coming back makes me want to panic or something and want it all back RIGHT NOW! It brings back a lot of memories of "how it used to be" and makes you crave it something awful. Even my dreams....they had all changed to me being in a wheelchair and now I am walking and standing in them again. I wake up so disappointed. I am trying very hard to balance all of this with "in whatsoever state I am therewith to be content". Because, truly I have been and still want to be. I feel like I am battling my mind with "I want it all or nothing" which is so selfish and petty. There are a lot of people who would give anything to just be able to move a toe and would think I am an idiot for agonizing over it and they would be right!

I am just going to take it all one day at a time, work as hard as I can, be thankful for every improvement and be thankful if no more improvements happen at all. I am happy that my Rock is unmoving and that He is always there for me to sort out my weird emotions and keep me on track!

If you have endured reading this to the end, thank you for your interest and prayers. I would post photos or something of progress but at this point I am too embarrassed! Maybe one day soon...:)

Nothing Between....

Today at therapy, I received an electrical stimulation machine to bring home with me and do exercises with every day. The therapist was showing me where to place the electrodes to make the muscles work. He explained once again, how the electricity runs through the electrodes and straight into the muscles to make them move. The electricity alone will make my legs stick straight out! When the machine is turned on both legs, it will make them so stiff that I am able to put weight on them and stand about half way up. It is so weird to try to move my legs on my own and not a thing happens - no matter how hard I try. I accomplish nothing. Then, the electricity turns on, and I watch my legs move and do things I cannot possibly accomplish on my own.

I got to thinking....it's amazing how that all it takes is a damaged area in your spinal cord to do some major changes! It affects every area of your life - big and little. Losing the ability to walk is just one of the things that is affected. There are so many other things that you just would never think about.

One of my very favorite (and convicting) hymns is "Nothing Between My Soul and the Savior". We think that it is the big things that break our fellowship with the Lord. The Bible talks about the "little foxes" that spoil the vines. It doesn't have to be something outlandish and major to be something between us and the Savior. But, oh how it can affect our life - every aspect of it. Things we wouldn't think of are affected. "It seems like such a little thing" we think, but the damage it can cause! A wrong choice today can yield a major problem tomorrow.

Then you have the e-stim machine. How in all my trying I can't accomplish what I want but when the power is applied things start happening. It makes me so happy to know that in my Christian life, I don't have to struggle to do everything. I just need to be a willing vessel and let the power of God work in me. If I will just let Him have His way in my life, keep an obedient heart (nothing between), His power can then work through me. I am glad that His power is able to move and work in the hearts and lives of people in spite of me! How true is the verse "I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me"!

It is also a beautiful thought how that if I have let something come between my soul and the Savior and it has caused what may seem like irreversible damage in my life, the power of God is still able to come in and take over and accomplish for us and through us what we are not able to do on our own.

I think God would have us all to be spiritually challenged, spiritually disabled, spiritually handicapped - for it is in these humbling positions that you realize how strong, capable, and dependable He is. You realize how helpless you are without Him your heart craves for "nothing between my soul and the Savior". Jesus is mine...keep the way clear...He is my all...I am resolved...I'll triumph at last - there's nothing between!!


Nothing Between

Nothing between my soul and the Savior,
Naught of this world's delusive dream;
I have renounced all sinful pleasure;
Jesus is mine, there's nothing between.

Nothing between my soul and the Savior,
So that His blessed face may be seen;
Nothing preventing the least of His favor
Keep the way clear! Let nothing between.

Nothing between, like worldly pleasure;
Habits of life, though harmless they seem,
Must not my heart from Him e'er sever;
He is my all, there's nothing between.

Nothing between, like pride or station;
Self-life or friends shall not intervene;
Though it may cost me much tribulation,
I am resolved; there's nothing between.

Nothing between, e'en many hard trials,
Though the whole world against me convene;
Watching with prayer and much self-denial,
I'll triumph at last, with nothing between.

For Your Entertainment - the Wheelchair World

It has now been 6 months since I have become paralyzed and in a wheelchair full-time. I thought, that instead of becoming mopey and sad on this momentous anniversary, that I would bring you up to speed about some things in the wheelchair world to enlighten those of you who are what “we” call “able-bodied” - hence known as AB.

There is a difference between “using” a wheelchair and “needing” a wheelchair. For the “user,” they can have all the Wal-Mart and grocery store wheelchairs out there. For those of us who “need” wheelchairs - these just will not do. Our wheelchairs cost anywhere between $1200-$6,000. They are customized to our bodies to “fit” us. They are not a one-size-fits-all. The cheap wheelchairs, although very affordable, will not work for us. I learned this valuable lesson one day at a K-Mart. I decided that the person that I was with, needed my wisdom on how to load my wheelchair and the shelves we just bought into the trunk of my car. So, there was a trusty old wheelchair with a big metal basket across the front of it that I thought I would transfer into and then be able to help put my chair into the trunk. All was mostly well, until it came time for me to then transfer out of that chair into the driver’s seat of my car. Because of the big old feet on those things, you can’t get in close to the driver’s seat because the feet hit the door. Then, when you swing the basket out of the way, it leans against the car and you can’t get around it. Then the armrests on those things are up to your shoulders so it is hard to get around that! Needless to say, thanks to the rail that is installed on the roof of my car, decent upper body strength, and a crazy Tarzan-like movement, I made it onto the door sill of my car and then onto the seat. It was very comical and I learned my lesson. Cheap wheelchairs are for those that can walk and get in and out of them. So, when you see a chair with no arms, little front wheels, low backs, and they don’t look like the ones you see at your local store - there is a good reason!!

Now, you have stumbled into the unique world of full-time wheelchair users. It isn’t every day you run into someone who uses a wheelchair all the time. Because of this, people are unfamiliar and therefore, a little uncomfortable knowing how to act or what to say. This always sends a chuckle to me and I have a very bad habit of getting tickled and then I can hardly control it. You’ve got to love the ones that talk very loud to you as they lean over and look you in the eyes. What is it that makes them think I am deaf? Or the person that pats me on the head? Or those that come and lean on the back of your chair like it is their personal perch? This is why we hate handles on our chairs! There are so many things that I want to say but I try to hold it in. When I hold it in, this starts the conversation in my head and then I get tickled at all the comebacks I am trying not to say and start laughing. While I am then sitting there laughing out loud at something that has not been said out loud, it is then I realize why they pat me on the head!

So, this moves us on into the mind of the wheelchair user. There are many things that we have to think about. Other people’s feelings are one of those things so while I am trying to deal with my own thoughts and emotions of being the only person in a store in a wheelchair, now I have to also think about your feelings as I try to deal with you. For example, I am in the doctor’s office, and after signing in, the receptionist tells you to go have a seat. I am laughing inside, but after the receptionist gives me her look of horror as she realizes what she said, I must then have to figure out how to console her. This leaves me very puzzled. I want to laugh because I already was inside, but if I laugh, then she might think I am insensitive to her look of horror. Therefore, I am stuck. Not knowing what to say or do to console the poor lady, I manage to smile and say, “Thank you.”

Then, you have the times when you are in line and someone leans over your head to get something as if you are not there. Inside of me, I want to back up real fast and squish their toes, but I don’t want to upset them so I smile and say “Excuse me.” “Excuse me” also comes into play whenever you roll up to a counter for help and the top of your head comes to the level of the counter. You really hope that they will notice a new hairline is at their station and needs attention, but instead of waiting, we will eventually say these two words.

A common problem for wheelchair users is whenever there are steps. Now, if I am home or somewhere I am really comfortable, I would just plop out of the chair and go up or down on my backside. However, this is not very ladylike in public places so you are left to the mercy of those around you. People are very kind and more than willing to help. If it is just a few steps, the decision is normally to turn you backwards, tip you way far back so that your toes are parallel with the top of your head, and thump you down one step at a time. Now, this does something to a girl’s identity. This is not the look that I am going for when I am out in public surrounded by men who are helping you get up or down the steps. I am convinced that feet are made to be lower than the head. If the steps are long, then the solution is to pick me up - chair and all - and be carried. This normally involves 3 or 4 strong guys who each grab a corner of your chair and haul you to where you need to be. So far, this has always been successful. However, in my head, as I am being tilted or carried, you are trying very hard to suppress a scream of “Please don’t drop me!!!!!” Instead, we politely say “Thank you.” All in all, although we may not have control over certain parts of our bodies, I would say that we have great mental strength. We are able to take our thoughts and completely morph them into something kind. We do this for you!! Aren’t we sweet?

A hot topic for everyone who is in a wheelchair is handicap parking spaces. Now this requires great mental discipline. For one thing, we HAVE to have these spaces. Not just for the perk of getting to park close to the door but there are real reasons. For one, we have to have the wide spaces to get in and out of our cars. Some have ramps that unfold out of their vehicles and need the space to be able to get their ramp out. Others of us, transfer in and out of our vehicles, but we need the door to open up all the way so that we can get in close to our seats so we don’t end up on the ground. So, if your car is parked in a normal spot and I am in a normal spot, I cannot get my door open all the way, therefore my chair cannot get close to the car, then I can’t transfer safely into my car and alas, I am stuck. If there are no handicap spaces available, then we have to park out in no man’s land so that we can have room to get in and out of the car and no one will park next to us. Now, this isn’t really a problem because I can roll 200 feet as easy as I can 25 feet. However, since I am vertically challenged now, we have the same problem as when I roll up to a counter. People that are backing out of their parking places cannot see me in their mirrors because I am only as tall as their trunks. This makes it dangerous for me as I roll past the trunks of many cars because I parked out in the boonies. The other problem with this is when it rains. Ever tried holding an umbrella while trying to use your arms to push yourself? It doesn’t happen. I would rather only be rained on for 25 feet than for 200! So, this leads us to who parks in these spots? We have a hard time understanding how people can park in these spots at malls and department stores and then go in and walk around for a couple hours. Hmm. I have amused myself before by going into a store (after not having found an available handicap parking spot) and seeing how many people I see in wheelchairs. Maybe once or twice have I seen someone that you can tell is a full-time user. Otherwise, they are in the electric scooters or the store chair which leads to the question that if they can walk in the store to get into one of those things than could they not have parked in the other spot and walked 5 more feet and left me with the extra space that I need? However, to be fair, I want to present their side. They did not know I was coming to the store that day. If they did, I am sure they would have given me their spot. Also, if there are so few of us, that I have a hard time spotting someone like me, then all the handicap spots would be mostly empty all the time and that would be a waste of good parking. Unless, of course, we could take a poll on how many of the cars that you see scattered along the empty back lots of stores really belong to the full-time wheelchair users. So, I have decided that to remedy this situation, I am going to ask all of the stores and restaurants I frequent, to install an automated intercom system over their parking lots. When I am ready to leave home, I will Twitter them an update and a loud call will go over all the parking lots of my town - “Alicia is coming!! Get out of her way!!”

Another topic of interest is how to be politically correct about all of this. What is my label? Am I crippled? Handicapped? Disabled? Physically impaired? Abnormal? This has been a laugh for me with some of my friends. They say they just can seem to find the one that fits. I am sure most that know me would argue that “abnormal” would have to be the most fitting but we won’t go there. I just read an article that said you are not to say that a person is “confined to a wheelchair”. They said that makes it sound like a prison sentence or something. True, we are not confined but maybe defined. That is not fair maybe but is realistic. “You know, that lady in the wheelchair” or “She can’t do that. She is in a wheelchair.” I warn my husband to be careful saying those last words. That’s all it takes for me to scale an all out attack to accomplish whatever it was that I was just told I could not do. He said he says it on purpose sometimes just for that reason. That’s good. I need pushed - no pun intended! Other times he regrets saying it! I got a wild idea that I would like to ride horses. They say it is good rehab and so I mentioned it to my dad. He looked like the idea scared him to death. He was wondering how in the world I was going to stay on that horse and I was trying to reassure him that it could be done safely. As his skeptic look increased, I finally said “Dad, what is the worst that could happen? Fall off and become paralyzed?” For some reason, he did not see the humor in that. So, my label? I don’t know. I am just me - the new me and I have always looked for humor and will continue to do so. Not because I am in a wheechair - but because a merry heart doeth good like a medicine.

There are a lot of negatives to being in a wheelchair and if we dwelt on that, we would all be depressed, so we are not going to. The point of this epic was to entertain you so that is where we are going to stay. So, in true Pollyanna fashion, and in conclusion to this meandering monologue, here are a few perks:

1. Close parking when available
2. I never have to look for a seat when I go places
3. When you accidentally run over someone’s toes, they say “I’m sorry!”
4. You can buy expensive shoes because they never wear out.
5. Going down hills feels a bit like a roller coaster. Going up...different story!
6. I hear in some circumstances, this moves you to the front of the line (amusement parks, airplanes, etc.) Not tried it yet, but I will!
7. You can look really pitiful when you start to have an argument with your hubby. This hasn’t been as effective as I had hoped.:)
8. You get really strong arms and can impress your kids. They actually think you have muscles!
9. It helps you keep the clutter picked up off your floor. It has to be moved so you can roll! Kicking a toy across the floor is no longer an option so this helps me not to procrastinate!
10. You have an instant invisible bond to any other person in a wheelchair. So, you have an
instant friend. That is always good.

I hope you have been somewhat informed and shared a chuckle with me as you have read this. I think a sense of humor and being able to find the funnies in life - even in tough circumstances - is as good for your mental health as aspirin is for a headache. Not everything is funny, but there is a lot of humor through all of this that you can find if you are willing to look for it.

Enjoy your life.....and smile!

Do I Trust Him?

After the panic I felt last Sunday when I had the vertigo so bad, and having had so many complications and not knowing what was about to happen next, this week led me to some heart-searching questions.

I have purposed to be 100% honest on this blog. Knowing that I am human and full of my flesh and pride, it is easy to talk of the spiritual victories the Lord has given me and to share of the many special "graces" that He has shown me along the way. All of that is fine and good, but life is not all spiritual victories. So I want to be honest and share the struggles along the way also.

Last Sunday, as silly as it seem now, scared me to death and for the first time, since all of this, I felt panic, fear and discouragement. I knew the spinning room was not killing me - my heart was beating and I was breathing just fine - but it was the fear of the next minute. Not knowing what was wrong, not knowing what was about to happen. Was I about to become paralyzed from my neck down? Was I going to die? What was wrong? Fear filled my heart and I did not even want Jimmy to leave me for a second!! I have described these feelings in my earlier post about it, but I wanted to go there again because these feelings led me to questions once I had calmed down.

By the time the room had stopped spinning, my mind began to spin with these questions: How can I say I trust the Lord when I was so afraid? If I truly am ready to die and go to Heaven, then how come I want to live so badly and don't want to die? If I believe the Lord is control, why do I fear? If I am to be a joyful Christian and have a good testimony for the Lord, then why I am I struggling with feeling like I am getting discouraged and can't do this? If I feel like the Lord has given me something and His grace will be sufficient, then why I am suddenly panicked - not knowing what the future holds? If I have been through many of these questions in my mind already and feel like I found answers, then why in the world am I asking them again?!!!!

I have found answers this week and they have come in a variety of ways.Here are some of the ways that have helped me this week to answer some of these questions:

1. I talked to Jimmy. I always talk to my wise hubby about these things. He already told me I wasn't allowed to get discouraged so I knew that was out of the question.:) Seriously, I did talk to him because I know that he will always tell me the truth - even if I don't like the answer. So, we talked. After talking to him, I felt a little more settled in my heart knowing that he did not think I was a spiritual baby and that he shared fears of the unknown also. We know that we must trust the Lord - in good and bad - and even though it is hard to do, it does not change the fact that we must. His strong faith in God is what I need to hear often to remind my more female and emotional heart to not fear what is around me but to trust Who is in me.

2. I prayed. I asked the Lord to help me - not only physically but emotionally. I told Him I was afraid. I asked Him to calm me down. I asked Him to help my scared hubby and children. I asked Him to please help me to be strong and be a testimony for Him and not to fail Him. I prayed verses to Him - "When I am afraid, I will trust in Him." "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" "Yea, though I walk through the valley...I will fear no evil for THOU art with me." Every verse I could think of, I prayed to Him. Not that He needed reminded - I did and it helped to talk to my Heavenly Father about it.

3. I got online this week and found Joni Erickson Tada's website. On it, she has a TV series where she interviews people with disabilities that are Christians and to hear their testimonies, and how they love and trust the Lord, but still have fears helped me to know that I was not alone.

4. Music!! Music has always moved me. I will not say spiritually because quite frankly, I can get pretty sappy about Little House on the Prairie when the right music is behind it!! The power of godly words with Christ-honoring music set behind them, stirs my heart. Or just an instrumental of the old hymns playing as the words run through my mind calms my heart so much. I have sat and listened to some songs over and over and they just keep blessing me.

5. Going to church!! Really, when God tells us not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together that we may edify one another is really so true. I know when you are sick, you cannot help not being able to go to church but going back last Sunday was SO encouraging. Hearing the songs, the preaching of God's Word, the fellowship of believers - it was all so encouraging. I do not know why people choose to not go to church. Not me - I need it!!

These things all helped me this week in answering my questions.

How can I say I trust the Lord when I was so afraid?
Because it is through fear that our trust is tested. It is easy to trust when things are easy. It is in the fearful times, that we choose to trust or not.


If I truly am ready to die and go to Heaven, then how come I want to live so badly and don't want to die?
Because the human nature comes with an instinct for survival. If my head was under water, I would not stay there trusting the Lord. I would try to swim. I enjoy my life, and I enjoy living. Heaven will be wonderful, but earth is good too as we live for Christ. I want to do so much more for Christ - I don't think that is a bad thing. I want to meet my Lord with more than I have right now.


If I believe the Lord is control, why do I fear?
Because knowing that He is in control and letting Him control are two different things. My flesh and spirit always struggle and in my spirit I know that I want Him to be in control but in my flesh (which is weak) I want to call the shots. But, His ways are not my ways and therefore, when I should trust, I fear.


If I am to be a joyful Christian and have a good testimony for the Lord, then why I am I struggling with feeling like I am getting discouraged and can't do this?
Because I am learning that it is not about me at all. It is through my weakness and struggles that the Lord uses to strengthen us. An internal strength that can only come from the Lord - beyond words or personality. Our inner strength is from looking up - not looking in.


If I feel like the Lord has given me something and His grace will be sufficient, then why I am suddenly panicked - not knowing what the future holds?
Because I don't see the tomorrows. Reminding myself over and over though that He does, is what trusting is all about. No matter what changes happen in our lives, He never changes and therefore He is so trustworthy.


If I have been through many of these questions in my mind already and feel like I found answers, then why in the world am I asking them again?!!!!
Because I am human and so cocky and confident at times. These "rapids" in my river of life, help me to realize how truly weak and needy that I am. They knock a cog out of your wheel to let you see that you really don't have it as much together as you thought you did and how desperate you need Him. I am not getting worse and worse, I just need Him more and more. These times show me this.

I hope that I will not have to learn this lesson over and over but I know that I will. We have to die to our flesh daily and I know that it is in my flesh that I struggle to truly trust Him. It is my prayer that I will stay close in fellowship to the Lord so that the spirit will be stronger than the flesh and will win more battles!

Please, help me pray for this.

Alive!!

I am alive!! After yesterday, I wasn't sure if I would be or not - honestly. Yesterday was one of the scariest days of my life. My room would not quit spinning and when I closed my eyes, I would not stop spinning. It was like someone had you on one of those merry-go-rounds, and would spin you so fast, you could only lay down and hope it would stop. Except, you knew you were laying perfectly still and it still wouldn't stop. With everything else that has been going on, I did not know what was happening.

I was terrified for Jimmy to leave me for even a second because I could not even move my eyeballs without my head going crazy. We called the neurologist and the one on call said he just thought it was vertigo and to lay still and drink plenty of fluids. I had no other choice anyway. I don't even think I could have moved if I had wanted to.

They had me on a blood thinner for the last 4 months because of the risk of blood clots with me being paralyzed and pregnant. The OB dr. said that I was to stay on them for at least 6 weeks post partum because the risk is still high. But...when I had the hematoma they had to stop the blood thinner so the bleeding could be controlled. This had us worried that it may not really be vertigo but me trying to have a stroke instead. After waking up paralyzed overnight and no one knowing why yet, I think that a toothache will just about send me into a panic!! I try very hard to stay calm, and really, through all of these complications, I have. But yesterday was different....I though there was something bad going on in my head and I was very, very scared.

Since my heart rate has been low and erratic (since going off of the blood thinner), then I got to thinking that might be the problem.There is a lady in our church that had a stroke some time ago, and she came to the house and asked Jimmy to please get me on a blood thinner. She felt that all the symptoms I was having sounded like a stroke and not just vertigo. Since I still had blood thinner shots still here at the house, we made an executive decision to take one last night. When I took one, my heart rate was 50.

As of this morning, my heart rate is up and I feel better. If I am laying down and turn my head to either side, I get very sick feeling and it all happens again. However, if I sit up I can turn my head and I feel weak, but not sick or everything spinning out of control. We can't help but think the blood thinner has helped and we are asking our doctors to check into this.

I cannot thank you enough for all of your prayers. Yesterday morning when all this was happening, I told Jimmy "Honey, I think I am going to get discouraged." He said "No, Alicia, you can't do that. You stay strong." I did not feel strong. I felt weak and very vulnerable. I felt like I didn't know if I could handle one more thing. In the afternoon, I awoke out of my sleep with these words running through my mind "Not what I wish to be, or where I wish to go, for who am I, that I should choose my way? The Lord knows best for me, tis better far I know...." I have the tune for these words also in my head but this is all I remember of it. I think it is an old hymn about missions. Please, if any of you know what this song is, let me know. However, I knew the Lord had put that in my heart to encourage me and let me know that He was choosing my way and that He was with me and had not forgotten me. This "nugget" from the Lord, helped me so much and once again peace filled my heart.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers. I feel selfish asking this of you but it is such an encouragement knowing that all over your dear friends and family are bringing you to the Lord. I feel so very loved on by all of you and I cannot thank you enough for that.

I love you all!

My Baby and Me - Update Memo

I reread what I had written and I realized that I had left out something important - the "treasures in the darkness" that the Lord constantly encourages us with even in the midst of trying circumstances.
The first 3 days after I had the baby, we had the same nurse. She had a keen interest in us and our "story" - as did all the nurses we had. Her name was Barb and after talking with us and asking a lot of questions, she found out that I had not had any therapy at all. Our little county just seems like it doesn't know what to do with me. Since I delivered at a large hospital in Cincinnati, Barb decided to call their therapy department to see what could be done.
Every day, for the remainder of my stay, a physical therapist and an occupational therapist came to see me and worked with me. Jimmy and I learned so much during those days. The therapists got all excited about working with me and said they were "mortified" that no therapy of any kind has happened. They have it all set up for me to come back for outpatient therapy as soon as I recover enough to handle it. They have an entire floor dedicated to therapy and they even took me up there for a tour and a much desired shower as I could not use the shower in the room where we were. I was introduced to "Bob" the director of admissions, who has been paralyzed for 25 years due to falling off a telephone pole on his job. He was very nice and gave us his phone number to call him personally if we had any questions or needed anything at all. On the funny side, after the shower, I had my hair wrapped up in a towel, they made me wear a hospital gown and we had to go back to my room via public elevators and halls so I told them they had to give me a pair of scrubs so that I would be decent. So here I am with a hospital gown, another color of scrubs, my hair in a towel, and some ugly brown socks and that is when the therapist decided to introduce me to everyone. I kept telling her that if she did not let me look decent first, they would all assume that I should be on the psychiatric floor! I am sure I looked quite "unique"!
This has been a huge answer to prayer for me and something that has been bothering me for months now. Thanks to the Lord working through a nurse who took an interest in us, He answered a major prayer and we are praying that positive results will come out of the therapy - if it is His will. If not, then I will be learning much needed "life skills".
Everyone was so wonderful and kind to us. We felt like we were part of a big family by the time we left. I didn't want to leave out or overlook this blessing from the Lord.
Elisha is a precious blessing from the Lord too. He is a healthy little man and he is such a good baby. He really only cries when he is hungry and then he settles back in. We are quite attached as the only thing that we do most of the day is snuggle one another. This has been fine with me and I am enjoying every minute with him. It is much more fun to hold them in your arms than inside your stomach!! The Lord knew that we needed an easy-going baby with everything else going on.
One other thing I want to add is how thankful I am for my precious hubby!! He has had to do so much taking care of me, the children (although they are such big helpers - they are only children and need looking after), our home, the church and on and on. He has never complained one single time!! I am so not worthy of this man's love and care. I could never brag on him enough for the way that he unselfishly loves me and our children. May the Lord heap loads of blessings on him as Jimmy has blessed me so.
Alright, I am going to hush now. I just wanted to add these blessings as part of the much-needed-to-be-told part of our story.

My Baby and Me - Update

Everything was going as planned on Monday, July 27th. We were to go into
the hospital at 5:00 p.m. and they were to monitor me and start my induction
on Tuesday morning. We went as planned, and they got me all settled in
and hooked up to the monitors. They decided to give me a little pill to help
me get ready for the induction and within 30 minutes, the pill had started me
into labor. My contractions were 2 minutes apart, although they were not
terribly strong. Thankfully, I could not feel them!:)
The doctor said that she would come back and check me every little bit and
that we may have a baby by morning without ever having to start the
Pitocin. After about 2 hours or so, we noticed that the baby’s heart rate was
doing crazy things. It would go up to about 170 and then suddenly drop to
about 70 and then back and forth like that. It lasted for about 10 minutes.
Just as we were starting to get nervous about it, the doctor came back in and
said that she wanted to check me again. As she was checking I noticed a
worried look on her face and she asked for an ultrasound machine to be
brought in. They did the ultrasound and they said that our little guy had
completely turned. They said that he was sitting “Indian style” with his feet
and bottom down and his head up. They went out to discuss it with the head
doctor and my nurse said to me “Do you realize what this may mean?” I said
“C-Section” and she said that was correct.
The doctors came back in and said that they were going to try to turn the
baby manually but if that didn’t work, they would have to do an immediate
C-Section because my body was already in labor. After trying to turn the
baby for about 20 minutes (which was terribly uncomfortable) they said that
he wasn’t going to budge. At that point, everything was hurry-hurry. Jimmy
was thrown scrubs, I was given a hat, the nurses started preparing me, and
the anesthesiologist was brought in to consult with me.
Apparently, I was a puzzle for them because I did not need an epidural for
pain because I have no feeling waist down. However, due to being
paralyzed, there is something called Autonomic Dysreflexia (http://
www.apparelyzed.com/autonomic.html) that happens when your body
experiences pain and you do not know it that causes your blood pressure
and heart rate to become unstable. So, it was necessary to have a pain
medicine to fool my body into thinking it felt now pain. They decided to
give me the epidural and see what happened. They wanted me numb from
my chest down and that was not happening. I could feel everything on my
stomach so they felt like the epidural was not working. So, they began to try
all different kinds of medicines to numb me. Finally, the anesthesiologist
said to me “Hon, I am about to give you something in your I.V. that is going
to put you out.” I said, “Okay, how will I know if it is working?” He said, “
You are will feel like you are stoned.” I said “I have never been stoned” He
said, “You are about to be!”
The next thing I remember is my ears starting to ring and then I felt like a
bed was sitting on top of me and smothering me. I could not swallow,
breathe or move my arms (or so I thought). Then I felt like I was completely
floating away from all reality. I felt like I was leaving everything. Not in a
calm way, but in a weird, terrifying way. My mind never stopped working
and I felt like I had no grasp of any kind of reality. I thought to myself “I
think I must be dying but there is nothing I can do about it”. I have slight
memories of a baby crying in a far distant place but not realizing it was my
baby. I remember Jimmy rubbing my head and saying “He’s alright” but not
grasping what in the world he was talking about. My first clear memory is waking up in the recovery room in severe pain and not being able to hold
the baby because of the pain and just trying to concentrate on taking my
next breath. This is my memories and version. Jimmy’s version was
different.
He said that once the doctor gave me the medicine in the I.V. that I seemed
to go out but that I cried and moaned the entire operation. They said that I
could feel everything that was going on and nothing every stopped the pain.
He said that the anesthesiologist was trying everything that he knew to do
and told Jimmy that he had “emptied the medicine chest” on me and did not
know what else to do. He also gave me a medication that makes you forget
most of what happens and that lasts for about 24 hours. We could not
understand how I felt things if I have no feeling from my waist down. The
doctors explained that the feeling of deep inside your body (organs and
such) come straight from the brain and do not come from the spine. So, that
is why I could feel what they were doing deep inside of me. I guess you
learn something new all the time! They told us that the medicine he gave me
was the same as LSD and that is why it was all so crazy for me.
I am confident that anyone who has had both a C-Section and has delivered
naturally would pick the latter! There is a lot more to recovery with a C-
Section and it takes time. Due to me having no use of my legs, every move I
make from sitting up to rolling over has to be purely through my arms.
When you pull with your arms, it pulls your stomach muscles. Seeing as
how they cut through my stomach muscles, every tiny move I made was
extremely painful - even with the pain meds. They could mash on my
incision and I don’t feel a thing so that is a positive. The feeling that I had
was like a hot poker being jammed deep inside of my left side. No matter
what I do, that is the only place I feel pain.
They wanted me to try to sit up for awhile every day. The problem I was
having was that every time I sat up for about 5 minutes, I would get
extremely dizzy and nauseous and start blacking out. They did not know
what was causing that and so they had me stay extra to monitor that. I am
still not able to sit up longer than about 20 minutes without the same thing
happening so that is a bother but we hope that as I get stronger, that will fix
itself.
On Monday night (a week after that baby was born), we were still in the
hospital and REALLY wanting to come home. I was missing the kids awful
and just wanted my home. Jimmy was helping me that night and had rolled
me over on my right side. When he rolled me back over on my back, there
was blood everywhere!! It was pouring out of my stomach on the right side
of my incision. We got the nurse and within minute I was surrounded by 3
doctors and 3 nurses. I was talking 100 miles an hour trying to keep my
mind off of the whole situation. They said that I had a hematoma that had
ruptured and blew out the right side of my incision. This has led to Jimmy
having to pack the “hole” with some kind of medicated gauze, that looks
like a shoe string, twice a day. Also, I have to be extra careful now so that
can heal. We were almost feeling like every time we turned around there
was new comlications but we were thankful that we were still at the hospital
when it happened and not an hour and a half away at home.
They let us come home on Tuesday night (after 8 days) and we suprised the
children. They were so happy to see us and we were so happy to be home
with them! The baby is perfect. He never cries unless he is hungry and then
he eats and snuggles right back in.
As for how I am now, I am getting stronger. I am able to make small
transfers by myself now, I am rolling over and sitting up by myself so that is
major!! The pain is less now and I am trying to sit up for as long as I can. I
really cannot stand having to be so dependent on others but that cannot be
helped for now. I cannot thank my sweet hubby enough for all of his love.
Also, my children have just jumped in and cannot seem to help me enough. I
feel so blessed by the love that I am receiving from my precious family.
Until next time....thank you for all your prayers for our family!