I just wanted to let everyone know that checks in here that I am moving my blog to my own personal website. I think it will be less confusing than jumping back and forth. When I started this blog, I did not have the website and now I do and the blog will just be one part of that site.
So, thank you for your faithful reading and encouragement! I will still be writing but just moving where you will be reading!
So, please follow me on over to here: www.aliciareagan.wordpress.com
God bless!
Alicia
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Mommy, I’m Thirsty
It is summertime around here and the whirl of our summer started long before the hot weather came! We have been so very busy with finishing school, trying to keep the household duties up, ministering in our church and traveling as the Lord has opened the doors for us to sing and share the testimony of what the Lord has allowed in our lives. I have enjoyed the days at home when there has been nothing on the schedule! The kids have been outside playing their little hearts out and the phrase that I have been hearing continually is “Mommy, I am thirsty!”
This week, I was with a dear friend who was hosting her Summer Spectacular ladies meeting. I took some of my ladies with me and we participated in that meeting. We were having a wonderful time and my friend did a dramatic telling of the story of Ruth and Naomi. She had memorized the first two chapters of Ruth, dressed up like Naomi and quoted the Scripture of that story like a professional actress. It was one of the most moving things I had seen in a long time.
At one point of the story, I was moved to tears. She had just quoted the portion of Scripture where Ruth was gleaning in Boaz’s field and he came and talked to her for the first time. The scene is set, and those of us who know and understand the story of Ruth, know that Boaz is a picture of Jesus Christ. He is our redeemer and all that is His, is ours through our relationship with Him. As my friend was telling this story, my heart was rejoicing in what this all meant to me and how thankful I was that the Lord loved me. And then, the story introduces Boaz and here is what he said to Ruth, “Then said Boaz unto Ruth, Hearest thou not, my daughter? Go not to glean in another field, neither go from hence, but abide here fast by my maidens: Let thine eyes be on the field that they do reap, and go thou after them: have I not charged the young men that they shall not touch thee? and when thou art athirst, go unto the vessels, and drink of that which the young men have drawn.”
When I heard those words, “go not to glean in another field, but abide here…and when thou art athirst, go unto the vessels, and drink of that which the young men have drawn” I felt so many emotions. My mind went to so many unhappy people - those who are bitter, sad, jealous, angry, judgmental or vindictive. My eye went the faces of many that look like they are having to endure life. My ears went to the sound of complaining and negative people whose words just zap your spirit right down. This part of the story has stayed on my heart and as I look around, I can see where I am also so guilty of not gleaning in my field and when I am thirsty, not drinking from the vessels that have been prepared for me.
I think so many times, we look to others for our gratification in life. We look to them and compare ourselves or we look to them to fill the thirsty spots in our lives. I know that as a wife, mother, Pastor’s wife, daughter, sister, and friend, I have often been guilty of looking at those roles, and the people who belong in those roles with me, to meet my needs. I need their praise, their admiration, their attention and their time or I am unfulfilled and normally end up unhappy at them as well as within myself. Like Ruth, I am alone, a stranger, hungry and thirsty. Christ owns the “field” of my life and longs for me to not go and try to glean in another field but to stay in His and when I am thirsty, He has prepared the vessel for me and I just have to go and drink. Unlike Ruth, I allow my happiness, my purpose, my identity, and my thoughts to be defined by a whole different set of fields and when I am thirsty I look to all of these different things to fill me.
I remember when I first became paralyzed, the thought that bothered me the most at the beginning was not if I would spend my life in a wheelchair or not. Those thoughts came later. I knew how hard everything was, I saw how hard my husband worked to help me, I knew we already had 5 children and I was expecting our 6th and I could not get my mind around the fact that I could not be the homemaker that I had been before. It was physically impossible to do some of the chores. My kitchen is not accessible and is very hard to cook in. Just use your imagination and see what all a 4ft. person could do in your kitchen! In the early days, I just couldn’t cook anything. I was very disturbed with the fact that I had become half of a woman. I couldn’t even get my child a drink of water when they asked for one.
I remember, after crying to my husband one frustrating evening, his sweet words of encouragement to me. He said, “Honey, I don’t need a housekeeper and I don’t need a cook. The children don’t need a mommy who can do everything. We just need you.” Those words healed me. What he was saying to me, was that they were not fulfilled by what I could do for them. They were fulfilled with just paralyzed-in-a-wheelchair me! We can be fulfilled in our lives by Jesus Christ alone not by what others can or should do for us. Jesus stands by us, telling us that He has all we need, to please stay in His field and glean, to come to Him when we are thirsty and that will be enough to nourish us physically, spiritually and emotionally.
I still have trouble getting my children a drink of water, but I am so glad that I can teach them who can quench the thirsts of their hearts. I will never hear the words “Mommy, I’m thirsty” without being reminded, like Ruth, to “stay and glean in the fields” and to “drink from the vessels” that have been provided to me through Jesus Christ.
This week, I was with a dear friend who was hosting her Summer Spectacular ladies meeting. I took some of my ladies with me and we participated in that meeting. We were having a wonderful time and my friend did a dramatic telling of the story of Ruth and Naomi. She had memorized the first two chapters of Ruth, dressed up like Naomi and quoted the Scripture of that story like a professional actress. It was one of the most moving things I had seen in a long time.
At one point of the story, I was moved to tears. She had just quoted the portion of Scripture where Ruth was gleaning in Boaz’s field and he came and talked to her for the first time. The scene is set, and those of us who know and understand the story of Ruth, know that Boaz is a picture of Jesus Christ. He is our redeemer and all that is His, is ours through our relationship with Him. As my friend was telling this story, my heart was rejoicing in what this all meant to me and how thankful I was that the Lord loved me. And then, the story introduces Boaz and here is what he said to Ruth, “Then said Boaz unto Ruth, Hearest thou not, my daughter? Go not to glean in another field, neither go from hence, but abide here fast by my maidens: Let thine eyes be on the field that they do reap, and go thou after them: have I not charged the young men that they shall not touch thee? and when thou art athirst, go unto the vessels, and drink of that which the young men have drawn.”
When I heard those words, “go not to glean in another field, but abide here…and when thou art athirst, go unto the vessels, and drink of that which the young men have drawn” I felt so many emotions. My mind went to so many unhappy people - those who are bitter, sad, jealous, angry, judgmental or vindictive. My eye went the faces of many that look like they are having to endure life. My ears went to the sound of complaining and negative people whose words just zap your spirit right down. This part of the story has stayed on my heart and as I look around, I can see where I am also so guilty of not gleaning in my field and when I am thirsty, not drinking from the vessels that have been prepared for me.
I think so many times, we look to others for our gratification in life. We look to them and compare ourselves or we look to them to fill the thirsty spots in our lives. I know that as a wife, mother, Pastor’s wife, daughter, sister, and friend, I have often been guilty of looking at those roles, and the people who belong in those roles with me, to meet my needs. I need their praise, their admiration, their attention and their time or I am unfulfilled and normally end up unhappy at them as well as within myself. Like Ruth, I am alone, a stranger, hungry and thirsty. Christ owns the “field” of my life and longs for me to not go and try to glean in another field but to stay in His and when I am thirsty, He has prepared the vessel for me and I just have to go and drink. Unlike Ruth, I allow my happiness, my purpose, my identity, and my thoughts to be defined by a whole different set of fields and when I am thirsty I look to all of these different things to fill me.
I remember when I first became paralyzed, the thought that bothered me the most at the beginning was not if I would spend my life in a wheelchair or not. Those thoughts came later. I knew how hard everything was, I saw how hard my husband worked to help me, I knew we already had 5 children and I was expecting our 6th and I could not get my mind around the fact that I could not be the homemaker that I had been before. It was physically impossible to do some of the chores. My kitchen is not accessible and is very hard to cook in. Just use your imagination and see what all a 4ft. person could do in your kitchen! In the early days, I just couldn’t cook anything. I was very disturbed with the fact that I had become half of a woman. I couldn’t even get my child a drink of water when they asked for one.
I remember, after crying to my husband one frustrating evening, his sweet words of encouragement to me. He said, “Honey, I don’t need a housekeeper and I don’t need a cook. The children don’t need a mommy who can do everything. We just need you.” Those words healed me. What he was saying to me, was that they were not fulfilled by what I could do for them. They were fulfilled with just paralyzed-in-a-wheelchair me! We can be fulfilled in our lives by Jesus Christ alone not by what others can or should do for us. Jesus stands by us, telling us that He has all we need, to please stay in His field and glean, to come to Him when we are thirsty and that will be enough to nourish us physically, spiritually and emotionally.
I still have trouble getting my children a drink of water, but I am so glad that I can teach them who can quench the thirsts of their hearts. I will never hear the words “Mommy, I’m thirsty” without being reminded, like Ruth, to “stay and glean in the fields” and to “drink from the vessels” that have been provided to me through Jesus Christ.
Monday, March 21, 2011
God Made These Bumps
I took my sweet little Macey to the doctor today. It was just me and her. She sat in the front seat next to me as she wanted to be near me. Bless her heart, she felt so bad. Her tonsisl are all big and swollen and she moaned everytime she swallowed. I wanted to hold her hand as we drove but I couldn't because I need both of my hands to drive!
As we were coming back home, we took Highway 247. This road has been named "The Roller Coaster Road" by our family because of its many dips and turns. Some of the dips are very fun to drive over as they move your stomach up into your throat. On a normal trip, the children squeal with delight as I love to hit those hills just a little hard to scare them to death!
Today as we were driving home, I knew Macey was feeling bad so I was taking it easy on that road. We went over the best spot and Macey had a little smile on her face. Actually, it was one of the few smiles I have seen all day on my normally bubbly girl. As she smiled, she looked over at me and said, "God made those bumps, I just know it." I smiled and said, "Yes, honey, He did."
I got to thinking about that the rest of my drive home. "Did God make those bumps?" Well, technically, the road crew made them. But God did make the hills, and he made men with the ability to carve those roads out. So, in a round about way, I was telling Macey the truth. God did make those bumps. I also started thinking about how fun it is to go over those bumps. I love that feeling you get in your stomach. My hubby, on the other hand, does not! I remembered how in our recent airplane flight, the turbulence and bumps that we felt in the air. I did not like those bumps! My hubby seemed calm as a cucumber and my stomach was feeling very nervous! However, the same God that made the fun bumps made those bumps too.
Why do I like road bumps but not air bumps? Because on the road bumps, I am in control and so it is fun. On the air bumps, I am very much out of control so it is scary. Isn't that just like life? We think, as we travel along, that we are so very much in control and we handle the little bumps along the way as no big deal because we've got it all covered. But when we hit a bump that shows us that we are completely out of control, then we are scared to death.
Let us all remember, my dear friends, that God made these bumps in our lives. Maybe He didn't initiate all of them, but He has allowed them so in a round about way, He is still in control of every single bump we hit. We need these bumps because we need Him. We aren't in control of anything. He is in control of everything and always has been. The fearful times are when this truth is revealed to us and we need that reminder. Otherwise, we are cocky and self-centered and are quite sure that we have the world by the tail.
I need Him. You need Him. Yes, I agree with Macey. "God made these bumps. I just know it."
As we were coming back home, we took Highway 247. This road has been named "The Roller Coaster Road" by our family because of its many dips and turns. Some of the dips are very fun to drive over as they move your stomach up into your throat. On a normal trip, the children squeal with delight as I love to hit those hills just a little hard to scare them to death!
Today as we were driving home, I knew Macey was feeling bad so I was taking it easy on that road. We went over the best spot and Macey had a little smile on her face. Actually, it was one of the few smiles I have seen all day on my normally bubbly girl. As she smiled, she looked over at me and said, "God made those bumps, I just know it." I smiled and said, "Yes, honey, He did."
I got to thinking about that the rest of my drive home. "Did God make those bumps?" Well, technically, the road crew made them. But God did make the hills, and he made men with the ability to carve those roads out. So, in a round about way, I was telling Macey the truth. God did make those bumps. I also started thinking about how fun it is to go over those bumps. I love that feeling you get in your stomach. My hubby, on the other hand, does not! I remembered how in our recent airplane flight, the turbulence and bumps that we felt in the air. I did not like those bumps! My hubby seemed calm as a cucumber and my stomach was feeling very nervous! However, the same God that made the fun bumps made those bumps too.
Why do I like road bumps but not air bumps? Because on the road bumps, I am in control and so it is fun. On the air bumps, I am very much out of control so it is scary. Isn't that just like life? We think, as we travel along, that we are so very much in control and we handle the little bumps along the way as no big deal because we've got it all covered. But when we hit a bump that shows us that we are completely out of control, then we are scared to death.
Let us all remember, my dear friends, that God made these bumps in our lives. Maybe He didn't initiate all of them, but He has allowed them so in a round about way, He is still in control of every single bump we hit. We need these bumps because we need Him. We aren't in control of anything. He is in control of everything and always has been. The fearful times are when this truth is revealed to us and we need that reminder. Otherwise, we are cocky and self-centered and are quite sure that we have the world by the tail.
I need Him. You need Him. Yes, I agree with Macey. "God made these bumps. I just know it."
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Summer and Winter
Since the day is absolutely beautiful outside, and since my hubby just preached a tremendous sermon, this post is dedicated to the topic he preached on. It won't be long but it was just too good to pass up. It blessed my heart and I pray it will your too.
The winter here in Ohio, and across much of the U.S., has been a long one this year! I do not like the cold. It sets my "trying-to-wake-up" nerves on fire and the cold leaves me in a lot of weird pain. One minute I am being stabbed internally by a knife, another minute I am being burnt to the bone by a giant blow torch, another minute I am being shocked by an electrical wire and another minute someone is rubbing me down with sand paper. Of course, these things aren't literally happening to me but such is some of the descriptions of paralysis and nerve pain. It happens all the time, but for me, the cold just amplifies it ten-fold! I am VERY tired of the cold and after several months, you get extremely weary and it is very hard to fight the blues!
Last Sunday, my hubby preached a sermon from Psalm 74:17 called "Thou Hast Made Summer and Winter". Oh my, what a message and it is exactly what this frost-bitten heart needed! He talked about how much more we appreciate the summer times of our lives after we have been through a hard winter. How that if we lived in the summer and beautiful weather all the time we would shrivel up and die. It is the falling snow of winter that adds nutrients back into the soil and prepares the ground for a greater increase.
Today as I look at this beautiful sunshine and am soaking in the pure pleasure of warmness and less pain, I know that he is right. I am enjoying this day so immensely because of the hard winter. We do not realize how selfish we have become in the summer times of our lives, until we face a winter. It is then we realize how much more we should appreciate the beautiful days of our lives!
So, my friends, join me in appreciating every single day and living it to the fullest and to the glory of our great God who created both summer and winter!
The winter here in Ohio, and across much of the U.S., has been a long one this year! I do not like the cold. It sets my "trying-to-wake-up" nerves on fire and the cold leaves me in a lot of weird pain. One minute I am being stabbed internally by a knife, another minute I am being burnt to the bone by a giant blow torch, another minute I am being shocked by an electrical wire and another minute someone is rubbing me down with sand paper. Of course, these things aren't literally happening to me but such is some of the descriptions of paralysis and nerve pain. It happens all the time, but for me, the cold just amplifies it ten-fold! I am VERY tired of the cold and after several months, you get extremely weary and it is very hard to fight the blues!
Last Sunday, my hubby preached a sermon from Psalm 74:17 called "Thou Hast Made Summer and Winter". Oh my, what a message and it is exactly what this frost-bitten heart needed! He talked about how much more we appreciate the summer times of our lives after we have been through a hard winter. How that if we lived in the summer and beautiful weather all the time we would shrivel up and die. It is the falling snow of winter that adds nutrients back into the soil and prepares the ground for a greater increase.
Today as I look at this beautiful sunshine and am soaking in the pure pleasure of warmness and less pain, I know that he is right. I am enjoying this day so immensely because of the hard winter. We do not realize how selfish we have become in the summer times of our lives, until we face a winter. It is then we realize how much more we should appreciate the beautiful days of our lives!
So, my friends, join me in appreciating every single day and living it to the fullest and to the glory of our great God who created both summer and winter!
Monday, February 14, 2011
For Better, For Worse
“For better, for worse, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish…” These are words that my Valentine and I spoke to each other in a covenant to God on December 4, 1998. We meant them that day as much as our hearts could mean them. He was my prince who had made all my dreams come true and I was his princess. Our home was established that romantic evening and our desire to stay faithful to one another and to God was burning in our hearts.
Life started and moved on. God called him away from the financial industry into the ministry. Children came and we even located away from our families where God called us to serve. We have had our ups and downs as every couple has as life gives you new adjustments. Some things we handled properly and some things we did not. All of those times were stepping stones in the path of married life that you learn from. Through all of that, our desire to be committed to one another and to our Lord stayed true.
The biggest challenge of our marriage came in March of 2009 when I became paralyzed. We are so thankful that our marriage was strong when that trial came into our lives because if it wasn’t, I just don’t know what may have happened. Everything that had been established as the “Reagan Home” was completely turned upside down. Suddenly becoming childlike and needing assistance in simple things like dressing, bath rooming, bathing and putting your shoes on to the simplest forms of romance – like no longer being able to hold hands as you walk together became so confusing and redefined our ideas of what our relationship was. No one wants a marriage to seem like parenting where one constantly takes care of the needs of others. But such is a marriage many times when one becomes disabled.
There were a few times that we both would just sit and cry. We were frustrated trying to understand all of these new things. Selfishness reared its ugly head as Jimmy and I both were trying to get a grip around our new roles in life. We discovered that although I am the one that became paralyzed and people notice me because I am sitting in that wheelchair, the disability belongs to both of us. His life changed as drastically as mine. His role in our disability doesn’t involve sitting in a wheelchair, living every day with pain, and not physically being able to be involved in things you once loved. However, his day involves not only the demands of the ministry, but also one of helping me all day long. Our marriage developed a new psychological and emotional layer that we had never before had to deal with. We both learned that there were new ways to meet each other’s needs, physically and emotionally, and we chose to dwell on the joy of discovery instead of the disappointment and frustration of what we had lost.
I love my Jimmy. He is my “gem” – a rare jewel above and beyond those who boast of their manhood. You want a man? Here you go. My man washes all the dishes in this house – I physically cannot reach my sink. My man washes all the laundry. I can’t even reach the knobs. He washes and dries and brings them to me and I fold. The children put away. My man brings me a cup of tea every morning. My man helps me cook meals and put things in and out of the oven. My man loads and unloads a wheelchair in the sunshine, the rain and the freezing cold. I have a lot of trouble regulating my temperature now so my man will sweat so that I won’t be cold. My man will physically put me to bed when I am too tired to make the transfer. Although I have now learned to be independent and do almost everything, he will do things for me anyway just to make my life a little easier.
Why would my Valentine do these things - knowing that this is it? For good. Permanent. No getting over the flu here and being normal again. Why? Why would we fight so hard to not only survive in our marriage but to desire it to thrive? Because this is love. A giving of yourself unselfishly as Christ did for us. This is keeping a promise that we made to God and to each other 12 years ago. “For better, for worse, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish…”
Life started and moved on. God called him away from the financial industry into the ministry. Children came and we even located away from our families where God called us to serve. We have had our ups and downs as every couple has as life gives you new adjustments. Some things we handled properly and some things we did not. All of those times were stepping stones in the path of married life that you learn from. Through all of that, our desire to be committed to one another and to our Lord stayed true.
The biggest challenge of our marriage came in March of 2009 when I became paralyzed. We are so thankful that our marriage was strong when that trial came into our lives because if it wasn’t, I just don’t know what may have happened. Everything that had been established as the “Reagan Home” was completely turned upside down. Suddenly becoming childlike and needing assistance in simple things like dressing, bath rooming, bathing and putting your shoes on to the simplest forms of romance – like no longer being able to hold hands as you walk together became so confusing and redefined our ideas of what our relationship was. No one wants a marriage to seem like parenting where one constantly takes care of the needs of others. But such is a marriage many times when one becomes disabled.
There were a few times that we both would just sit and cry. We were frustrated trying to understand all of these new things. Selfishness reared its ugly head as Jimmy and I both were trying to get a grip around our new roles in life. We discovered that although I am the one that became paralyzed and people notice me because I am sitting in that wheelchair, the disability belongs to both of us. His life changed as drastically as mine. His role in our disability doesn’t involve sitting in a wheelchair, living every day with pain, and not physically being able to be involved in things you once loved. However, his day involves not only the demands of the ministry, but also one of helping me all day long. Our marriage developed a new psychological and emotional layer that we had never before had to deal with. We both learned that there were new ways to meet each other’s needs, physically and emotionally, and we chose to dwell on the joy of discovery instead of the disappointment and frustration of what we had lost.
I love my Jimmy. He is my “gem” – a rare jewel above and beyond those who boast of their manhood. You want a man? Here you go. My man washes all the dishes in this house – I physically cannot reach my sink. My man washes all the laundry. I can’t even reach the knobs. He washes and dries and brings them to me and I fold. The children put away. My man brings me a cup of tea every morning. My man helps me cook meals and put things in and out of the oven. My man loads and unloads a wheelchair in the sunshine, the rain and the freezing cold. I have a lot of trouble regulating my temperature now so my man will sweat so that I won’t be cold. My man will physically put me to bed when I am too tired to make the transfer. Although I have now learned to be independent and do almost everything, he will do things for me anyway just to make my life a little easier.
Why would my Valentine do these things - knowing that this is it? For good. Permanent. No getting over the flu here and being normal again. Why? Why would we fight so hard to not only survive in our marriage but to desire it to thrive? Because this is love. A giving of yourself unselfishly as Christ did for us. This is keeping a promise that we made to God and to each other 12 years ago. “For better, for worse, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish…”
Saturday, February 5, 2011
But If Not
I am nearing my 2 year anniversary of being paralyzed. It will be March 12. The "paralysis" statistic they tell you is that whatever you have gained back at your 2 year mark is about where you will stay the rest of your life. Hearing these words at this point of the game can almost hit that giant red panic button that exists somewhere in our brains. You feel like you are racing a giant clock and that your life depends on winning! Of course, that is one perspective. The other perspective is one that I find much more comforting and have chosen to take.
When you have lived your entire life trying to serve God, following His Word, and even giving your life to full-time ministry teaching others about Him, then you grab on to all those verse of promise that you shall prosper, He will bless you, and you assume from that that life will be peaches and cream. Sure, trials can come, but God will get you through them and all will be fine again! Well, that is fine, until you feel that you didn't get through that trial. That loved one is sick, you are in God's will so you prayed and they died anyway. So many people choose to kill their babies, not wanting them, but you want your baby and you will raise it to love God, but your baby dies. You have been told that you have very little time to live and you know God can heal you but what if you die anyway? You are paralyzed and you see people who recover and are walking around but you aren't - and they aren't even trying to live for God!
These are all very real thoughts and maybe are afraid to utter lest anyone would then accuse us that our faith isn't strong enough and that is probably why we haven't experienced healing. There is nothing that can upset me more, then for people to tell me to just have more faith. The reason it upsets me is not because it makes me mad at them. It truly upsets me for them. I fear for their own thoughts if they ever have to go through something major.
I assure you, if you love God, then know one has more "faith" than the person who is in the midst of their trial. No one will pray harder for their child to live than the parents. No one will pray harder to live then the one who knows they are dying. No one will pray harder to be made whole than the one with the disability. You know how much faith you have in what God can do and when the outcome happens, that is against what you prayed, the strong faith that you had in God to answer your prayers, turns to strong doubt in this God that you had trusted. You feel betrayed, let down, forsaken and although you dare not say it, you wonder how real this all is. Why didn't He help me when I needed Him the very most?
I think that one of the greatest things that I have learned, is that my faith is not in what God can do, but in Who He is. God is God and I do not know the way that He chooses. I do not understand why these things happen. I know He is able to do whatever He wants but that is not where my faith is. My faith is in Him and that involves trusting Him when the outcome doesn't go my way. It involves trusting Him that He has a much bigger plan and He has invited me to partake of His plan by using me in a role that I had not counted on.
One of my favorite Bible stories is that of the three Hebrew children. They were about to be thrown into the fiery furnace because they would not worship the king's idol. The King warned them again to bow or they would die. Here is their reply "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up." This sums it up so beautifully. We know our God is able, but if not, in other words, if He decides a different way to bring Himself glory though my life, or through my death, then that is okay. We will stay faithful to Him anyway.
For me and my situation, I know that God can heal me. I know that He can make me walk again or not. But it isn't my faith or lack of it that decides this. Surrender says "It is not up to me, it is up to Him." Do I have my own desires and wishes? Well, of course. But my deepest desire is that I can be used of God. If He thinks He can use me better in this chair, then who am I to pray otherwise? When my thoughts go away from this, then that is the time that I re-evaulate if I am truly yielded to God's will or not. Some days I am, and some days I am not. It is a daily choice to choose God.
My dear friends, this is such an important key. We cannot answer the hard questions of life but we can trust Him. We know we serve a God that can, but if not, we serve a God Who is and we can rest in the fact that He is working in our lives to bring Him glory. Do not beat yourself up for "not having enough faith". It is not the quantity of our faith that matters - it is that our faith is in God alone, in Who He is, the Master and Creator of the universe, and He knows. We just trust Him no matter what.
He has an individual plan for every life. Trust Him with yours!
When you have lived your entire life trying to serve God, following His Word, and even giving your life to full-time ministry teaching others about Him, then you grab on to all those verse of promise that you shall prosper, He will bless you, and you assume from that that life will be peaches and cream. Sure, trials can come, but God will get you through them and all will be fine again! Well, that is fine, until you feel that you didn't get through that trial. That loved one is sick, you are in God's will so you prayed and they died anyway. So many people choose to kill their babies, not wanting them, but you want your baby and you will raise it to love God, but your baby dies. You have been told that you have very little time to live and you know God can heal you but what if you die anyway? You are paralyzed and you see people who recover and are walking around but you aren't - and they aren't even trying to live for God!
These are all very real thoughts and maybe are afraid to utter lest anyone would then accuse us that our faith isn't strong enough and that is probably why we haven't experienced healing. There is nothing that can upset me more, then for people to tell me to just have more faith. The reason it upsets me is not because it makes me mad at them. It truly upsets me for them. I fear for their own thoughts if they ever have to go through something major.
I assure you, if you love God, then know one has more "faith" than the person who is in the midst of their trial. No one will pray harder for their child to live than the parents. No one will pray harder to live then the one who knows they are dying. No one will pray harder to be made whole than the one with the disability. You know how much faith you have in what God can do and when the outcome happens, that is against what you prayed, the strong faith that you had in God to answer your prayers, turns to strong doubt in this God that you had trusted. You feel betrayed, let down, forsaken and although you dare not say it, you wonder how real this all is. Why didn't He help me when I needed Him the very most?
I think that one of the greatest things that I have learned, is that my faith is not in what God can do, but in Who He is. God is God and I do not know the way that He chooses. I do not understand why these things happen. I know He is able to do whatever He wants but that is not where my faith is. My faith is in Him and that involves trusting Him when the outcome doesn't go my way. It involves trusting Him that He has a much bigger plan and He has invited me to partake of His plan by using me in a role that I had not counted on.
One of my favorite Bible stories is that of the three Hebrew children. They were about to be thrown into the fiery furnace because they would not worship the king's idol. The King warned them again to bow or they would die. Here is their reply "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up." This sums it up so beautifully. We know our God is able, but if not, in other words, if He decides a different way to bring Himself glory though my life, or through my death, then that is okay. We will stay faithful to Him anyway.
For me and my situation, I know that God can heal me. I know that He can make me walk again or not. But it isn't my faith or lack of it that decides this. Surrender says "It is not up to me, it is up to Him." Do I have my own desires and wishes? Well, of course. But my deepest desire is that I can be used of God. If He thinks He can use me better in this chair, then who am I to pray otherwise? When my thoughts go away from this, then that is the time that I re-evaulate if I am truly yielded to God's will or not. Some days I am, and some days I am not. It is a daily choice to choose God.
My dear friends, this is such an important key. We cannot answer the hard questions of life but we can trust Him. We know we serve a God that can, but if not, we serve a God Who is and we can rest in the fact that He is working in our lives to bring Him glory. Do not beat yourself up for "not having enough faith". It is not the quantity of our faith that matters - it is that our faith is in God alone, in Who He is, the Master and Creator of the universe, and He knows. We just trust Him no matter what.
He has an individual plan for every life. Trust Him with yours!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Battle of Independence
“It is a good thing that I did not become paralyzed, I would enjoy it too much and lay around and do nothing.” These words, or some like them, have been echoed to me many different times since I became a paraplegic. I always give a smile and say, “No you wouldn’t” and think that I am right. Whether I am or not I don’t know. This battle for independence. I think some of it does depend on your personality but a lot of it comes from an inward drive where your body knows you can never be totally independent, but your heart says “watch me try!”
I was thinking about a man that I know. He has some mental handicaps and although he lives alone, he requires monitoring and assistance with daily challenges. His guardian was talking to me about how stubborn he can be. I know this man and I know she is right! He desires to make decisions and be in control but he just can’t quite do it. That must be frustrating.
For myself, I know how very hard I push to do everything by myself. I always tell my husband that he better let me do it all now because when I get old, someone else will probably have too! I don’t want “pushed”. I am capable of doing that myself! I don’t want you to get the door for me. I can open a door for you and get in myself! I don’t want you to help me get in a car. I can do it so please leave me alone! I don’t want you to carry me up the stairs. It must somehow be easier to get out, pull my body up step after step and arrive at the top justified that I did it all alone.
I may have accomplished those things by myself, but I was probably foolish doing it. I am all for being independent, but I would have thanked you for opening that door when I was walking so just what am I trying to prove? Before I sound vicious, I want you to understand that I don’t ever tell people to stop pushing me, get out of my way, or put me down. I smile graciously and thank them. It is just the thoughts inside my head that I am now confessing to!
I can get from the floor up into my chair by myself. I have swam a little excessively this week so my back and upper body are in quite a bit of pain and worn out so I couldn’t get in my chair last night. I had a friend nearby who I asked to give me a boost. It killed me to have to ask her! This was something I could do - and I had to have help!! The thought of being dependent, of needing help, was really hard on my independent spirit!
I find a fascinating correlation between this and my spiritual life. You know, there are some things that God requires of us - a sort of spiritual independence. He says to “choose you this day whom ye will serve.” Hey, that’s up to me! But then He offers His help saying “I will bless them that bless me.” He says to “Be strong…” - I can handle that because I think I am tough! Then it says “…in the Lord” - now that’s a different story. That puts my strength in being dependent on Him. We are told that the great King David of old “encouraged himself” - see, grab yourself by the bootstraps and get with the program! Then it says how he did that “…in the Lord.” That involved dependence again. Philippians 4:13 says “I can do all things…” - we like that don’t we? But then it finishes with “…through Christ which strengtheneth me.”
You see, my friend, this battle of independence goes beyond my physical challenges. It affects my relationship to God also. I am given an independent choice to serve God, to trust God, to stay faithful to God, to rejoice in the Lord, to surrender my life, my plans and my wishes to my Maker. Yet through all of those independent choices, there is a realization that I can do none of those things without depending on God and allowing His strength to compensate for my weaknesses.
I desire to be independent in my daily life. I desire to do everything I can without anyone else helping me. I desire to live as normally as I did before my wheelchair and I became partners. But I also realize that there are times that this just isn’t realistic and I will have to feel dependent and “less” as a person and I need to learn to be okay with that too.
So, it is in my spiritual life. I desire to trust God, to be strong, to have faith, to serve without question, to be okay with a less-than-perfect body and all the complications that go with that, and to keep on smiling without a quiver. But sometimes this isn’t realistic either and I find myself weary, fearful, questioning and grumbly! This is exactly the point that I am reminded that I am not spiritually independent for without Him I can do nothing!
May God help me to surrender in the battle for independence and depend on Him!
I was thinking about a man that I know. He has some mental handicaps and although he lives alone, he requires monitoring and assistance with daily challenges. His guardian was talking to me about how stubborn he can be. I know this man and I know she is right! He desires to make decisions and be in control but he just can’t quite do it. That must be frustrating.
For myself, I know how very hard I push to do everything by myself. I always tell my husband that he better let me do it all now because when I get old, someone else will probably have too! I don’t want “pushed”. I am capable of doing that myself! I don’t want you to get the door for me. I can open a door for you and get in myself! I don’t want you to help me get in a car. I can do it so please leave me alone! I don’t want you to carry me up the stairs. It must somehow be easier to get out, pull my body up step after step and arrive at the top justified that I did it all alone.
I may have accomplished those things by myself, but I was probably foolish doing it. I am all for being independent, but I would have thanked you for opening that door when I was walking so just what am I trying to prove? Before I sound vicious, I want you to understand that I don’t ever tell people to stop pushing me, get out of my way, or put me down. I smile graciously and thank them. It is just the thoughts inside my head that I am now confessing to!
I can get from the floor up into my chair by myself. I have swam a little excessively this week so my back and upper body are in quite a bit of pain and worn out so I couldn’t get in my chair last night. I had a friend nearby who I asked to give me a boost. It killed me to have to ask her! This was something I could do - and I had to have help!! The thought of being dependent, of needing help, was really hard on my independent spirit!
I find a fascinating correlation between this and my spiritual life. You know, there are some things that God requires of us - a sort of spiritual independence. He says to “choose you this day whom ye will serve.” Hey, that’s up to me! But then He offers His help saying “I will bless them that bless me.” He says to “Be strong…” - I can handle that because I think I am tough! Then it says “…in the Lord” - now that’s a different story. That puts my strength in being dependent on Him. We are told that the great King David of old “encouraged himself” - see, grab yourself by the bootstraps and get with the program! Then it says how he did that “…in the Lord.” That involved dependence again. Philippians 4:13 says “I can do all things…” - we like that don’t we? But then it finishes with “…through Christ which strengtheneth me.”
You see, my friend, this battle of independence goes beyond my physical challenges. It affects my relationship to God also. I am given an independent choice to serve God, to trust God, to stay faithful to God, to rejoice in the Lord, to surrender my life, my plans and my wishes to my Maker. Yet through all of those independent choices, there is a realization that I can do none of those things without depending on God and allowing His strength to compensate for my weaknesses.
I desire to be independent in my daily life. I desire to do everything I can without anyone else helping me. I desire to live as normally as I did before my wheelchair and I became partners. But I also realize that there are times that this just isn’t realistic and I will have to feel dependent and “less” as a person and I need to learn to be okay with that too.
So, it is in my spiritual life. I desire to trust God, to be strong, to have faith, to serve without question, to be okay with a less-than-perfect body and all the complications that go with that, and to keep on smiling without a quiver. But sometimes this isn’t realistic either and I find myself weary, fearful, questioning and grumbly! This is exactly the point that I am reminded that I am not spiritually independent for without Him I can do nothing!
May God help me to surrender in the battle for independence and depend on Him!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Snow!
Since I have joined the club of wheelchair users, one common thing that many of us hate is snow! It's wet and cold and nasty and it gets all over your tires and then the tires throw it all over your lap and clothes. Your sleeves stay wet from pushing, you can't roll through the thick stuff and you get stuck, the ramps are icy and you have no control over your chair. Someone is normally hanging on the the back of your chair so that you don't crash down an icy ramp and this does not help our pride in independence! We have poor circulation and once you get chilled you can hardly warm up at all. Please take note that this is why we have blankets around our legs! It's just nasty and awful!! This is my second winter in a chair and as I was looking at our snow the other day, I thought about how pretty it was. I also thought about how that was my first fond thought of snow since I had become paralyzed. I have not converted so much that I love to be in the snow, but I have learned how to deal with it a little better.
There is something about looking outside with a fresh coat of snow all over the ground. Everything looks so clean...so sparkly...so unified. The normal view of the outside is full of colors and textures. The rough greens and browns of a winter yard, the dirty gray of asphalt, and the many different variations of bushes, sidewalks, gravel, and yard ornaments are a rainbow of colors. But when it snows, something magical happens. Everything that I had become accustomed to looking at in a certain way has now been completely transformed. There is suddenly a simplicity that has taken over my outside environment. Everything has been covered with whiteness and it is all so beautiful and quite breathtaking. It makes you pause a little bit longer at the window as you look out admiring what has just happened.
Life can be like this you know. When something major happens that completely changes your view of life as you had always known it, don't resent it. Look at it as a new opportunity to simplify, to be given a clean slate to start over, to pause just a bit longer over the little things and savor that moment. Don't get bogged down in hate over the details....find the beauty in your life and hold on to that. While your at it, go make some new and unique tracks of your own in that snow!
There is something about looking outside with a fresh coat of snow all over the ground. Everything looks so clean...so sparkly...so unified. The normal view of the outside is full of colors and textures. The rough greens and browns of a winter yard, the dirty gray of asphalt, and the many different variations of bushes, sidewalks, gravel, and yard ornaments are a rainbow of colors. But when it snows, something magical happens. Everything that I had become accustomed to looking at in a certain way has now been completely transformed. There is suddenly a simplicity that has taken over my outside environment. Everything has been covered with whiteness and it is all so beautiful and quite breathtaking. It makes you pause a little bit longer at the window as you look out admiring what has just happened.
Life can be like this you know. When something major happens that completely changes your view of life as you had always known it, don't resent it. Look at it as a new opportunity to simplify, to be given a clean slate to start over, to pause just a bit longer over the little things and savor that moment. Don't get bogged down in hate over the details....find the beauty in your life and hold on to that. While your at it, go make some new and unique tracks of your own in that snow!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Stand!
I have been sitting for a little over 19 months now. One thing that has never ceased to catch my attention, is when I see or hear the word "stand". There are many hymns that talk about standing, verses that talk about standing (373 to be exact), and the word is used many times in the church service - "Let's all stand and sing...", "Remain standing for a word of prayer", "Let's all stand in honor of the reading of God's Word". This word always catches my attention. At the beginning of my wheelchair journey, a lump in my throat was always present with that word. I have long gotten past the lump in my throat, by I have not gotten beyond noticing the word "stand".
As I have been progressing in therapy, they ask what my goals are. Yesterday, it was time for another assessment and they asked me again. Of course, my goals have evolved as I have, and I have never said "Duh, to walk", although I have been tempted! Instead, I have tried to keep my goals realistic but a little out of reach to keep giving me focus and the drive to keep working hard in therapy. But yesterday, I took a chance and proclaimed "I want to stand!" Not with braces and hunks of metal holding me up, not with holding up all my weight in my arms, but to stand on my own legs and let them hold the weight of my body. I could list a zillion ways that would make life so much easier but I will spare you. My therapist became very quiet so I timidly said "Is that too high of a goal?" He said, "Well, we will certainly work hard to try won't we?"
Things like this in life really grab my attention. The Lord uses these kind of things in my life to make an impression on my mind. This morning, as I woke up and tried to move, I was stiff and full of pain. Even the knuckles on my hands hurt! My therapist had taken me seriously yesterday and we worked very hard. I lay here in the bed this morning and tried to get this crazy body of mine to start moving and started thinking. "Why would anyone in their right mind continue to go back and be put through this again? Why do I continue to try and try and try? Would it be easier to just stop and be done with all of this?" Then, I start trying to wiggle my toes and I watch them move up and down. I remember when they wouldn't do that. I roll over and remember when I couldn't do that without help. I start doing my exercises and watch my muscles jumping and spasming like crazy as they are trying there hardest to remember what to do. I sit up on the side of the bed and reach over and get something. I remember when I fell out a few times doing that because of horrible balance. I transfer out of my bed and into my chair with ease and remember how very hard that used to be. By the time I made it to the shower, where the hot water will relax my stiff and painful body, I am renewed in my commitment that I will be in my place at therapy on Monday morning. I have gained too much to give up now.
You may be wondering where I am going with this. I will tell you. Many times we get so very weary in life. We go through painful experiences and we are tempted to quit. It is just too hard. It is not worth the grief it is causing me. You may feel like this in your marriage, your home, your job, your ministry, or maybe even to God Himself. Before you quit, my dear friends, look back. Look at where the Lord has brought you from. Look at how He has worked in your life. Look at the influence you have had on people's lives. Look at the opportunities you have been given. Don't quit.
Join me in my goal - one that I desire physically, but more than that, I desire it spiritually. Let's stand!
As I have been progressing in therapy, they ask what my goals are. Yesterday, it was time for another assessment and they asked me again. Of course, my goals have evolved as I have, and I have never said "Duh, to walk", although I have been tempted! Instead, I have tried to keep my goals realistic but a little out of reach to keep giving me focus and the drive to keep working hard in therapy. But yesterday, I took a chance and proclaimed "I want to stand!" Not with braces and hunks of metal holding me up, not with holding up all my weight in my arms, but to stand on my own legs and let them hold the weight of my body. I could list a zillion ways that would make life so much easier but I will spare you. My therapist became very quiet so I timidly said "Is that too high of a goal?" He said, "Well, we will certainly work hard to try won't we?"
Things like this in life really grab my attention. The Lord uses these kind of things in my life to make an impression on my mind. This morning, as I woke up and tried to move, I was stiff and full of pain. Even the knuckles on my hands hurt! My therapist had taken me seriously yesterday and we worked very hard. I lay here in the bed this morning and tried to get this crazy body of mine to start moving and started thinking. "Why would anyone in their right mind continue to go back and be put through this again? Why do I continue to try and try and try? Would it be easier to just stop and be done with all of this?" Then, I start trying to wiggle my toes and I watch them move up and down. I remember when they wouldn't do that. I roll over and remember when I couldn't do that without help. I start doing my exercises and watch my muscles jumping and spasming like crazy as they are trying there hardest to remember what to do. I sit up on the side of the bed and reach over and get something. I remember when I fell out a few times doing that because of horrible balance. I transfer out of my bed and into my chair with ease and remember how very hard that used to be. By the time I made it to the shower, where the hot water will relax my stiff and painful body, I am renewed in my commitment that I will be in my place at therapy on Monday morning. I have gained too much to give up now.
You may be wondering where I am going with this. I will tell you. Many times we get so very weary in life. We go through painful experiences and we are tempted to quit. It is just too hard. It is not worth the grief it is causing me. You may feel like this in your marriage, your home, your job, your ministry, or maybe even to God Himself. Before you quit, my dear friends, look back. Look at where the Lord has brought you from. Look at how He has worked in your life. Look at the influence you have had on people's lives. Look at the opportunities you have been given. Don't quit.
Join me in my goal - one that I desire physically, but more than that, I desire it spiritually. Let's stand!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Broken!
Babies and glassware - never a good combination! I had a special little baby visiting at my house the other day and I forgot to put up a "pretty" that should have been in my china cabinet. The adorable little baby was proud of the possession that she found and as she carried it into the room to show us, she dropped it and it broke. As I consoled the baby's mother, I said "Oh don't worry about it! I can superglue it, put it up in the cabinet and no one will ever see that it was broken."
Later that day, something rared up that reminded me once again of my physical limitations. I had this deep desire to punch my useless legs and growl in frustration! In my moment of self-pity, I thought how when people get a virus they are miserable and can't wait to get well. Once they are "normal" again, all the memories of their misery get diminished and they go their merry way. But when you have a permanent disability, you aren't allowed that luxury. You must deal with your trouble every single day. Suddenly though, that broken platter flashed through my mind. I immediately wished for disability superglue to fix my problems! Then I could sit on my shelf and look normal again. Wait a minute! Sit on my shelf and look normal? Have I learned nothing through my brokenness? Do I want to erase all that? No, I don't. Who get's to decide normal anyway? Maybe normal is realizing that we are all broken somewhere and sometimes in life, there are no permanent fixes. Maybe normal is being comfortable, maybe not physically as we deal with real pain, but emotionally. Comfortable in the new me and the new opportunities it may allow me in life. Maybe those who are truly broken are the ones who perceive themselves as completely normal and in need of no help in their lives.
Thanks to my broken pretty, it taught me something. I will not sit on a shelf and try to "look" normal and be of no use. I will BE normal! I will take my brokenness and allow it to be a visual reminder to me that only I get to decide what truly being normal is. Others should not get that freedom in my life. Broken? Well, physically, yes. Some parts do not work like they were designed to work. But broken and useless? No way!
And for my broken pretty? I don't think I will put it away and let it look good. I think I will display it - to thank if for the lesson it taught me!
Later that day, something rared up that reminded me once again of my physical limitations. I had this deep desire to punch my useless legs and growl in frustration! In my moment of self-pity, I thought how when people get a virus they are miserable and can't wait to get well. Once they are "normal" again, all the memories of their misery get diminished and they go their merry way. But when you have a permanent disability, you aren't allowed that luxury. You must deal with your trouble every single day. Suddenly though, that broken platter flashed through my mind. I immediately wished for disability superglue to fix my problems! Then I could sit on my shelf and look normal again. Wait a minute! Sit on my shelf and look normal? Have I learned nothing through my brokenness? Do I want to erase all that? No, I don't. Who get's to decide normal anyway? Maybe normal is realizing that we are all broken somewhere and sometimes in life, there are no permanent fixes. Maybe normal is being comfortable, maybe not physically as we deal with real pain, but emotionally. Comfortable in the new me and the new opportunities it may allow me in life. Maybe those who are truly broken are the ones who perceive themselves as completely normal and in need of no help in their lives.
Thanks to my broken pretty, it taught me something. I will not sit on a shelf and try to "look" normal and be of no use. I will BE normal! I will take my brokenness and allow it to be a visual reminder to me that only I get to decide what truly being normal is. Others should not get that freedom in my life. Broken? Well, physically, yes. Some parts do not work like they were designed to work. But broken and useless? No way!
And for my broken pretty? I don't think I will put it away and let it look good. I think I will display it - to thank if for the lesson it taught me!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Be Still
I had a long talk with my cousin today. His name is Scott and he is younger than me. Scott was born with Cerebral Palsy and has dealt with a disability his entire life. As a little boy, he was my buddy. I always felt sorry for him because you could see in his eyes that he wanted to go out and run and play with his twin brother but he couldn't keep up. So, I would always play with Scott and try to keep him entertained. There were a few times I probably just about killed him trying to figure out ways to give him his own thrills. Once, he owned a little tiny red wheelchair and I started calling him "Jehu and his fiery chariot".
I grew up, went to college and Scott grew up too. We have stayed in loose contact all of these years and any time we were together, we would bond once again. However, since I have become paralyzed, Scott and I belong to the same club. We have a tighter bond than we have ever had. Scott told me today that we were always close, but he feels so much closer to me now and I have to agree with him as my feelings reflect the same. We talk on the phone quite often and I always look forward to his calls.
Scott has a beautiful singing voice and loves music. He feels called of God to share about his disability in message and song. He has written several songs and I will include one about disability at the end of this article. He made a statement today though that really caught my ear. He was telling me about a sermon that he was preparing and he was talking about the verse "Be still and know that I am God." He said "Alicia, we should learn from this. Those of us with disabilities should be among the first to do this because we know what it means to be still and be limited in our activity."
I just can't get that thought off of my mind this evening so I just had to write it and share. Scott is right. It is true. Who are the greatest prayer warriors? Those little shut-in's that can't do much more than sit up and breathe. Who are the ones who make a great impact on our lives? Those who have been stopped dead in their tracks and could only go on because of that still small voice. Who are the ones whose wisdom we long to hear? Those who have been to the darkest recesses and have found that even in the terrifying shadows, when we don't dare move or whisper because of the fear, that God was there and comforted them.
Oh how my heart is convicted. It seems that I always have something to prove. Something to pursue. Something to permeate my thoughts and keep my mind busy so that I do not dwell on my problems. I need to stop and dwell on the stillness of my legs - not to brood in self-pity, but in a thankful heart for this gift of stillness that God has allowed me to have as a reminder to listen and to know that He is my God.
Dear God, help me to be still.
Scott's Song:
He Walks For Me
Verse 1:
When I was a child I longed to play, with my friends and loved ones I wanted to stay,
But my mother said "No son you cannot go, for your body for them is much to slow".
Chorus:
Oh mother can't you see He walks for me, through the wind and the rain, He's still the same,
He is my rock and fortress each day, dear mother, can't you see He walks for me.
Verse 2:
Over two thousand years my Savior died, much pain He bore when they pierced His side.
And my burdens were too heavy for me to bear, my Savior walked up, my cross He shared.
Chorus:
Oh friend can't you see He walks for me, through the wind and the rain, He's still the same.
He is my rock and fortress each day, oh friend, can't you see He walks for me
Tag:
If you have a need, He'll walk for thee.
I grew up, went to college and Scott grew up too. We have stayed in loose contact all of these years and any time we were together, we would bond once again. However, since I have become paralyzed, Scott and I belong to the same club. We have a tighter bond than we have ever had. Scott told me today that we were always close, but he feels so much closer to me now and I have to agree with him as my feelings reflect the same. We talk on the phone quite often and I always look forward to his calls.
Scott has a beautiful singing voice and loves music. He feels called of God to share about his disability in message and song. He has written several songs and I will include one about disability at the end of this article. He made a statement today though that really caught my ear. He was telling me about a sermon that he was preparing and he was talking about the verse "Be still and know that I am God." He said "Alicia, we should learn from this. Those of us with disabilities should be among the first to do this because we know what it means to be still and be limited in our activity."
I just can't get that thought off of my mind this evening so I just had to write it and share. Scott is right. It is true. Who are the greatest prayer warriors? Those little shut-in's that can't do much more than sit up and breathe. Who are the ones who make a great impact on our lives? Those who have been stopped dead in their tracks and could only go on because of that still small voice. Who are the ones whose wisdom we long to hear? Those who have been to the darkest recesses and have found that even in the terrifying shadows, when we don't dare move or whisper because of the fear, that God was there and comforted them.
Oh how my heart is convicted. It seems that I always have something to prove. Something to pursue. Something to permeate my thoughts and keep my mind busy so that I do not dwell on my problems. I need to stop and dwell on the stillness of my legs - not to brood in self-pity, but in a thankful heart for this gift of stillness that God has allowed me to have as a reminder to listen and to know that He is my God.
Dear God, help me to be still.
Scott's Song:
He Walks For Me
Verse 1:
When I was a child I longed to play, with my friends and loved ones I wanted to stay,
But my mother said "No son you cannot go, for your body for them is much to slow".
Chorus:
Oh mother can't you see He walks for me, through the wind and the rain, He's still the same,
He is my rock and fortress each day, dear mother, can't you see He walks for me.
Verse 2:
Over two thousand years my Savior died, much pain He bore when they pierced His side.
And my burdens were too heavy for me to bear, my Savior walked up, my cross He shared.
Chorus:
Oh friend can't you see He walks for me, through the wind and the rain, He's still the same.
He is my rock and fortress each day, oh friend, can't you see He walks for me
Tag:
If you have a need, He'll walk for thee.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
I Pity The Puppets
At therapy, I have been using a harness system that dangles you from a large metal frame and they crank a percentage of your body weight off. Every time they crank me up, I think that I know what if feels like to be a puppet! You are kind of just hanging there and waiting to "perform" whatever tasks the therapists tell me to do.
There is quite a helpless feeling as a puppet. You can't get up by yourself, your tied to all of these "ropes", you cannot move about freely, and you can't get down by yourself. Oh sure, while you are "performing" you look pretty good and amazing! But just wait until the ropes are gone - the puppet lies crumpled in a heap. At least I have my chair to land in!
My husband and I have been talking lately in regards to raising our children. How we want our children to be students of the Word of God. We want them to know not only what they believe but why they believe it. We were challenged by some friend's of ours who play devil's advocate with their children. They ask them Bible questions and then have them prove their answer with Scripture only - not opinion. It has really made us think.
I see such a deficit in this - not just among children (mine included), but among our grown-ups, our spiritual leaders, our pastor's and teachers. Many times we just parrot what we have always been told but if someone were to really put our feet to the fire about certain things we hold so fast to, we end up stuttering with some lame answer to get us off the very uncomfortable hook we have managed to get caught on.
Please don't misunderstand me, I am not advocating a reversal of everything we have been taught. Quite the opposite! What I am challenged to do is to really figure out what I believe and why. If I can't give a biblical reason for the why's, then I have completely weakened my belief to others. They will view it as just opinion and no different than the right to their own. Except they will probably just keep their own opinion by not being compelled by any greater authority which should be the Word of God. This is important to others but is is of upmost importance to our children.
I wonder how Pinocchio felt when he changed from a puppet into a human. How freeing! How liberating! How wonderful to not be controlled by other people!
As a Christian, I am not to be controlled by external "ropes" but by the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. That is an internal work and is extremely liberating because I am not jerked about by everyone who desires to "pull my chain."
The Lesson:
Simple. I pity the puppets.
There is quite a helpless feeling as a puppet. You can't get up by yourself, your tied to all of these "ropes", you cannot move about freely, and you can't get down by yourself. Oh sure, while you are "performing" you look pretty good and amazing! But just wait until the ropes are gone - the puppet lies crumpled in a heap. At least I have my chair to land in!
My husband and I have been talking lately in regards to raising our children. How we want our children to be students of the Word of God. We want them to know not only what they believe but why they believe it. We were challenged by some friend's of ours who play devil's advocate with their children. They ask them Bible questions and then have them prove their answer with Scripture only - not opinion. It has really made us think.
I see such a deficit in this - not just among children (mine included), but among our grown-ups, our spiritual leaders, our pastor's and teachers. Many times we just parrot what we have always been told but if someone were to really put our feet to the fire about certain things we hold so fast to, we end up stuttering with some lame answer to get us off the very uncomfortable hook we have managed to get caught on.
Please don't misunderstand me, I am not advocating a reversal of everything we have been taught. Quite the opposite! What I am challenged to do is to really figure out what I believe and why. If I can't give a biblical reason for the why's, then I have completely weakened my belief to others. They will view it as just opinion and no different than the right to their own. Except they will probably just keep their own opinion by not being compelled by any greater authority which should be the Word of God. This is important to others but is is of upmost importance to our children.
I wonder how Pinocchio felt when he changed from a puppet into a human. How freeing! How liberating! How wonderful to not be controlled by other people!
As a Christian, I am not to be controlled by external "ropes" but by the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. That is an internal work and is extremely liberating because I am not jerked about by everyone who desires to "pull my chain."
The Lesson:
Simple. I pity the puppets.
Go To The Ant
Our family shared a cook-out the other evening with some friends. We were all sitting outside around the campfire enjoying the late evening and the slightly cool breeze.
The fire started to get a little low so our host threw a new log onto the fire. It was a great big round log that had been out in the sun and was all gray and crackly and immediately the flames licked all around it and up through the center of it. We remarked on what a perfect log that was for our campfire. Suddenly, we noticed so many large black ants scurrying out of somewhere in that log and they were frantically looking for a way to escape the heat. The log was in the center of the fire and they kept racing all around the same areas not knowing where to go. They were doomed for certain destruction had a little 9 year old boy, my son Caleb, not saw their fate. His heart was broken that the ants could not escape so he found a large stick and made a bridge from the log to the side of the stone ring that encircled the campfire. Immediately, the ants found the stick and their escape.
I watched and as that plot unfolded before my eyes, this verse popped into my head "How shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation;..." . Hebrews 2:3a Silently, I thanked the Lord for saving my soul and becoming that bridge for me between hell and heaven.
After thanking the Lord for saving my soul, I then thought about the fiery trials that we go through - even as believers! The Lord is just as much as a bridge for us in our fiery trials and the continuing in our faith as He was the bridge to save my soul. Again, I silently thanked the Lord for not only rescuing my soul from hell, but for being my Rescuer every time I am in the midst of the fire.
The Lesson:
I do not have to run around frantically with nowhere to turn in my life. I do not have to be consumed by the fiery trials that we may be in the middle of. Jesus Christ has provided a way of escape - for my soul and for my life. If you do not know what it means to have your soul rescued from the eternal fires of hell, then please write me and I would love to share with you.
If you know that you will spend eternity in Heaven, and have already trusted Jesus Christ as that bridge for your soul, then don't let the things you go through in your life derail you. Keep your eyes on Jesus, call out to Him and trust Him that He will deliver you! We are not only conquerors through Christ, we are MORE than conquerors!!
"And the LORD, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8
The fire started to get a little low so our host threw a new log onto the fire. It was a great big round log that had been out in the sun and was all gray and crackly and immediately the flames licked all around it and up through the center of it. We remarked on what a perfect log that was for our campfire. Suddenly, we noticed so many large black ants scurrying out of somewhere in that log and they were frantically looking for a way to escape the heat. The log was in the center of the fire and they kept racing all around the same areas not knowing where to go. They were doomed for certain destruction had a little 9 year old boy, my son Caleb, not saw their fate. His heart was broken that the ants could not escape so he found a large stick and made a bridge from the log to the side of the stone ring that encircled the campfire. Immediately, the ants found the stick and their escape.
I watched and as that plot unfolded before my eyes, this verse popped into my head "How shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation;..." . Hebrews 2:3a Silently, I thanked the Lord for saving my soul and becoming that bridge for me between hell and heaven.
After thanking the Lord for saving my soul, I then thought about the fiery trials that we go through - even as believers! The Lord is just as much as a bridge for us in our fiery trials and the continuing in our faith as He was the bridge to save my soul. Again, I silently thanked the Lord for not only rescuing my soul from hell, but for being my Rescuer every time I am in the midst of the fire.
The Lesson:
I do not have to run around frantically with nowhere to turn in my life. I do not have to be consumed by the fiery trials that we may be in the middle of. Jesus Christ has provided a way of escape - for my soul and for my life. If you do not know what it means to have your soul rescued from the eternal fires of hell, then please write me and I would love to share with you.
If you know that you will spend eternity in Heaven, and have already trusted Jesus Christ as that bridge for your soul, then don't let the things you go through in your life derail you. Keep your eyes on Jesus, call out to Him and trust Him that He will deliver you! We are not only conquerors through Christ, we are MORE than conquerors!!
"And the LORD, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8
My Confession
Alright, I will admit something. I have this obsessive compulsive thing going on with my feet! I am forever wanting to make sure that they are sitting straight on my footplate. I don't want them to be crooked. They have to be perfectly side by side, toes pointing straight, and feet even. I don't even want one foot sticking out farther than the other one! Of course, every bump you hit, every wheelie you pop or every transfer you make and there your feet go - doing their own thing and completely messing up my system. I think, somewhere in the back of my head, as I stare down at my feet adjusting them once again for the umpteenth time, that I think I "look" more normal if my feet are straight!
You know, from my perspective, it is important to me that my feet are straight because that is what I see when I look down at me. However, from your perspective, you are seeing an entire person sitting in a wheelchair and I am sure you are not the least interested or impressed if my feet are straight or not. I obviously look like there is some sort of problem from your perspective because I am sitting in this chair! Believe it or not, I sometimes forget the big picture here!
The Lesson
So many times it is too easy to pick out the little things in people's lives that annoy us. We get bogged down in the little unimportant pettiness of it all and we obsess about it! That is all we want to talk about, that is all that consumes our minds, and that is the problem of the hour that we must solve!
Seems to me, we probably ought to take a step back and look at ourselves with a different perspective. We need to realize that while we may be obsessing over this pettiness in someone's life, someone may be looking at us and thinking we have a few things we could work on too!
I want to view my life as God views me and let God take care of everyone else too. I have enough to work on taking care of just plain ole' me - like adjusting my feet!:)
You know, from my perspective, it is important to me that my feet are straight because that is what I see when I look down at me. However, from your perspective, you are seeing an entire person sitting in a wheelchair and I am sure you are not the least interested or impressed if my feet are straight or not. I obviously look like there is some sort of problem from your perspective because I am sitting in this chair! Believe it or not, I sometimes forget the big picture here!
The Lesson
So many times it is too easy to pick out the little things in people's lives that annoy us. We get bogged down in the little unimportant pettiness of it all and we obsess about it! That is all we want to talk about, that is all that consumes our minds, and that is the problem of the hour that we must solve!
Seems to me, we probably ought to take a step back and look at ourselves with a different perspective. We need to realize that while we may be obsessing over this pettiness in someone's life, someone may be looking at us and thinking we have a few things we could work on too!
I want to view my life as God views me and let God take care of everyone else too. I have enough to work on taking care of just plain ole' me - like adjusting my feet!:)
My Relationship To My Chair
Since my wheelchair is one of the first things you see upon meeting me, I thought we should get a clear understanding of the relationship between me and my chair.
The months before I woke up paralyzed, my legs had been getting weaker and weaker. It had gotten to the point where I could only walk around about 15 minutes or so before I would get large numb patches in my legs. my balance would go haywire, and I would feel like I was wading through concrete. We would go to a store as a family and I would sit pitifully on a bench while Jimmy and the children would get our stuff. Jimmy would try to get me to let him push me in a store wheelchair and I would say "ABSOLUTELY NOT!"
I remember one particular day in Wal-Mart, Jimmy and I had a major argument. Witnessed by the shopping carts and 5 little sets of eyes, he was determined to push me and I was determined it wasn't going to happen. I remember telling him that I would rather feel pathetic all alone on that bench then LOOK pathetic in that...that...that chair!!
When I woke up paralyzed on March 12, 2009, it occured to me in the weeks that followed that I would be living my life in one of those chairs! Over time, as i have used this chair, my relationship with it has changed. This chair is no longer something I "use". I am not "confined" to this chair. I "cling" to this chair!! It is no longer an accessory for me - it is part of me! It helps to define what and who Alicia Reagan is.
I have developed some strong opinions about my chair. I don't want people pushing "me", I don't want people leaning on "me", I want my personal zone acknowledged or I might accidentally "step" on your toes! This chair is my legs! It does not hinder me - it allows me freedom!!
In fact, I have this recurring dream. I dream all the time that I am sitting on the couch, or on a church bench, or at a restaurant and everyone gets up to leave and I can't find my wheelchair. I am always panicked in my dream asking everyone "where is my chair?!" Even in my subconscious mind I know my chair and I should not be separated!
The Lesson:
So many times we look at the Word of God as an accessory. WE look at it as something necessary for old or weak people. We acknowledge that is is a helpful thing in our lives but we would rather sit on the bench of our lives feeling pathetic, then to humble ourselves and be helped.
Many times, it is at the point of our lives when we have nothing else to cling to that we finally turn to God's Word for answers. It takes something major for us to realize that God's Word and it's teachings are not there to hinder us in our lives but to lead us to freedom in Christ!
How much greater if our Bible was not something that we just "use" but something that is part of us. Something we depend on and cling to so much that we get some strong emotions about it and even in our subconscious minds we would dwell on. Something that becomes so real in our life, it is a part of us and defines who and what we are.
My prayer for you, my friends, and for me is that our relationship with the Word of God will change and deepen as we live a life using it every day!
The months before I woke up paralyzed, my legs had been getting weaker and weaker. It had gotten to the point where I could only walk around about 15 minutes or so before I would get large numb patches in my legs. my balance would go haywire, and I would feel like I was wading through concrete. We would go to a store as a family and I would sit pitifully on a bench while Jimmy and the children would get our stuff. Jimmy would try to get me to let him push me in a store wheelchair and I would say "ABSOLUTELY NOT!"
I remember one particular day in Wal-Mart, Jimmy and I had a major argument. Witnessed by the shopping carts and 5 little sets of eyes, he was determined to push me and I was determined it wasn't going to happen. I remember telling him that I would rather feel pathetic all alone on that bench then LOOK pathetic in that...that...that chair!!
When I woke up paralyzed on March 12, 2009, it occured to me in the weeks that followed that I would be living my life in one of those chairs! Over time, as i have used this chair, my relationship with it has changed. This chair is no longer something I "use". I am not "confined" to this chair. I "cling" to this chair!! It is no longer an accessory for me - it is part of me! It helps to define what and who Alicia Reagan is.
I have developed some strong opinions about my chair. I don't want people pushing "me", I don't want people leaning on "me", I want my personal zone acknowledged or I might accidentally "step" on your toes! This chair is my legs! It does not hinder me - it allows me freedom!!
In fact, I have this recurring dream. I dream all the time that I am sitting on the couch, or on a church bench, or at a restaurant and everyone gets up to leave and I can't find my wheelchair. I am always panicked in my dream asking everyone "where is my chair?!" Even in my subconscious mind I know my chair and I should not be separated!
The Lesson:
So many times we look at the Word of God as an accessory. WE look at it as something necessary for old or weak people. We acknowledge that is is a helpful thing in our lives but we would rather sit on the bench of our lives feeling pathetic, then to humble ourselves and be helped.
Many times, it is at the point of our lives when we have nothing else to cling to that we finally turn to God's Word for answers. It takes something major for us to realize that God's Word and it's teachings are not there to hinder us in our lives but to lead us to freedom in Christ!
How much greater if our Bible was not something that we just "use" but something that is part of us. Something we depend on and cling to so much that we get some strong emotions about it and even in our subconscious minds we would dwell on. Something that becomes so real in our life, it is a part of us and defines who and what we are.
My prayer for you, my friends, and for me is that our relationship with the Word of God will change and deepen as we live a life using it every day!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
What The Future Looks Like
I received my new full leg braces a few weeks ago. They have taught me how to get up and down in them at the parallel bars and how to take steps and walk with them. Braces do not help you walk - they keep your legs from buckling and from falling down. Once you are up, you can just stand there (while hanging on because I have zero balance) or you can learn to try and get those legs to go forward. Here is how that works. You lean all your weight to one leg which allows you to raise your hip and kind of throw it forward. Your hip muscles are connected to your ab muscles so a lot of the hip throwing comes from my abs. I know because my stomach is always SO sore after I do this. I do have a little bit of hip strength but the majority comes from my abs.
After having used these braces at home for a couple weeks now with my own parallel bars, it has become VERY clear to me that my thoughts about them are not quite accurate. I really thought that once I got them, I could use them at my kitchen sink to stand or maybe go around the house some but maybe not in public or whatever. My parallel bars are about 8 feet long and by the time I go down them twice, I am done. Well, not me - I feel like I want to keep going and going, but my legs will just not go anymore. I tell them to go and lean and do everything I am supposed to do, but they just won't move.
Also, the parallel bars are very steady. A walker is NOT! It is tipsy and makes me feel like I am falling over all the time. I can't even breathe the wrong way or over I go! Also, the braces are very heavy and bulky. I cannot transfer out of my chair onto anything because they are too heavy and bulky. They pull me into the floor!
So.....I got my nerve up to ask them on Monday how realistic these braces are and will I be walking with them or not. I really already knew in my heart what I felt but thought I may be wrong.
They told me that, realistically, no, I would not be walking in them. They said that there are a few people who have mastered walking with them but they had more hip movement then I do. They also said that you have muscles for strength and muscles for endurance. They explained this by saying that they could go out and try to run a marathon without being trained for it, and within a few minutes their muscles would be saying "we are done, we cannot run any more!" However, they can walk around all day and be fine because their muscles have the endurance to walk because they are trained for that. Their goal with me is to push me past my endurance level at every session (which is why I come home so tired!). They hope that over time, my endurance level will come up even if the strength doesn't come up. If that were the case, then braces would be more effective for walking with them. They said I have come a long way in one year (when I first started therapy, I could do absolutely nothing in any muscle) and that a lot can still happen but it is a very long and slow process. They said when the spinal cord is damaged, it takes a very long time to heal and you really never know if it stops healing or not. You can only try to keep retraining those nerves and muscles and hope for results.
The reason I am sharing all of this with you? First of all, because every one of you has been so sweet and encouraging along the way and have shared that you want updated so I have tried to be faithful to do that for you. Secondly, because when the general population hears the words "I took steps at the parallel bars with my braces" or "I can move my toes" or "I feel pain deep in my legs", then they automatically assume that you will be up and about just like the old days in no time and it just isn't so. There is much involved and it is extremely complicated and part of how I want to use all this in my life, is to help explain in as simple terms as I can, the actual process and how it all works.
For the record, I am not upset about what I was told on Monday. I am at peace with living my life from this chair and long to reflect Christ in my life. I want to do my part in recovery, but whatever God does with the rest is up to Him. God is good!
Thank you for your faithfulness and interest in my life. Let's all keep serving Him!
After having used these braces at home for a couple weeks now with my own parallel bars, it has become VERY clear to me that my thoughts about them are not quite accurate. I really thought that once I got them, I could use them at my kitchen sink to stand or maybe go around the house some but maybe not in public or whatever. My parallel bars are about 8 feet long and by the time I go down them twice, I am done. Well, not me - I feel like I want to keep going and going, but my legs will just not go anymore. I tell them to go and lean and do everything I am supposed to do, but they just won't move.
Also, the parallel bars are very steady. A walker is NOT! It is tipsy and makes me feel like I am falling over all the time. I can't even breathe the wrong way or over I go! Also, the braces are very heavy and bulky. I cannot transfer out of my chair onto anything because they are too heavy and bulky. They pull me into the floor!
So.....I got my nerve up to ask them on Monday how realistic these braces are and will I be walking with them or not. I really already knew in my heart what I felt but thought I may be wrong.
They told me that, realistically, no, I would not be walking in them. They said that there are a few people who have mastered walking with them but they had more hip movement then I do. They also said that you have muscles for strength and muscles for endurance. They explained this by saying that they could go out and try to run a marathon without being trained for it, and within a few minutes their muscles would be saying "we are done, we cannot run any more!" However, they can walk around all day and be fine because their muscles have the endurance to walk because they are trained for that. Their goal with me is to push me past my endurance level at every session (which is why I come home so tired!). They hope that over time, my endurance level will come up even if the strength doesn't come up. If that were the case, then braces would be more effective for walking with them. They said I have come a long way in one year (when I first started therapy, I could do absolutely nothing in any muscle) and that a lot can still happen but it is a very long and slow process. They said when the spinal cord is damaged, it takes a very long time to heal and you really never know if it stops healing or not. You can only try to keep retraining those nerves and muscles and hope for results.
The reason I am sharing all of this with you? First of all, because every one of you has been so sweet and encouraging along the way and have shared that you want updated so I have tried to be faithful to do that for you. Secondly, because when the general population hears the words "I took steps at the parallel bars with my braces" or "I can move my toes" or "I feel pain deep in my legs", then they automatically assume that you will be up and about just like the old days in no time and it just isn't so. There is much involved and it is extremely complicated and part of how I want to use all this in my life, is to help explain in as simple terms as I can, the actual process and how it all works.
For the record, I am not upset about what I was told on Monday. I am at peace with living my life from this chair and long to reflect Christ in my life. I want to do my part in recovery, but whatever God does with the rest is up to Him. God is good!
Thank you for your faithfulness and interest in my life. Let's all keep serving Him!
Friday, June 25, 2010
Whew.....!!
I recently was alarmed by something. I thought I had gained weight!! I have no ability to weigh myself, so I have to depend on other clues. Just for the record, not being able to weigh myself would be a definite perk to paralysis!
My clothes seemed to be fitting me the same, my face really didn't look any puffier, my legs were only swelling in the evenings, so what was causing this problem that made me think I was getting fatter? I was having a VERY hard time pushing myself up any incline. My ramp out front, my driveway that slopes up, even just pushing across carpet was SO much harder!! I knew I have been faithfully working out my upper body and so my pushing should be easier - not harder! So, I concluded that I must be putting on weight somewhere and was getting heavier and did not know it.
I had just about decided to give up my ice cream for the summer (which is a MAJOR sacrifice for me) when I discovered something. I do "wheelchair push-ups" where you put your hands on the top of your tires and "push up" lifting your backside off the seat for a minute or two to give yourself pressure relief. It also helps relieve a tiny bit of pain for me in my hips. I do it quite often without even thinking about it. This day when I did it, I realized that the tires felt a tiny bit squishy under my hands. Nothing major, the tires didn't look low or anything, but I decided to ask a guy in my church who had an air compressor if he would add a little air to my tires.
My tires are supposed to hold between 85-110 pounds of pressure and they had about 45 in them!! He inflated them to the proper amount and I headed home. I could not believe the difference!! I whizzed up my driveway, whizzed up my sidewalk ramp, popped into the door of my house and right on in the living room. I suddenly felt 50 pounds lighter. I was ecstatic!! The ice cream could stay!!!
Over these last few days, it has amazed me how that loss of air could cause me such discomfort and trouble! Obviously, I know a flat tire is a problem (been there, done that) but I had no clue how a tire just low on air could hinder my productiveness in getting around.
Lesson? Here goes: how much in life do we go about trying to do in our own power? We struggle on, trying to do the same old things we have always done, but something is different. It is not as easy or enjoyable as it once was. We struggle to do the things we have always done well before. What is our problem? Have we gotten fat and lazy? Maybe. However, I would say that most of the time it is because we are trying to do it without the indwelling of the spirit of God in our everyday life. I am not talking about salvation here, but about letting Him fill our life and all the things that we try to do, doing it through Christ who strengthens me. How many times do we get the "I can do all things" part down, but we forget the "through Christ" part.
Don't get bogged down wheelin' your way through life all alone. Be filled with His presence, be filled with the joy of the Lord, be filled with the power from on high - and roll on!
My clothes seemed to be fitting me the same, my face really didn't look any puffier, my legs were only swelling in the evenings, so what was causing this problem that made me think I was getting fatter? I was having a VERY hard time pushing myself up any incline. My ramp out front, my driveway that slopes up, even just pushing across carpet was SO much harder!! I knew I have been faithfully working out my upper body and so my pushing should be easier - not harder! So, I concluded that I must be putting on weight somewhere and was getting heavier and did not know it.
I had just about decided to give up my ice cream for the summer (which is a MAJOR sacrifice for me) when I discovered something. I do "wheelchair push-ups" where you put your hands on the top of your tires and "push up" lifting your backside off the seat for a minute or two to give yourself pressure relief. It also helps relieve a tiny bit of pain for me in my hips. I do it quite often without even thinking about it. This day when I did it, I realized that the tires felt a tiny bit squishy under my hands. Nothing major, the tires didn't look low or anything, but I decided to ask a guy in my church who had an air compressor if he would add a little air to my tires.
My tires are supposed to hold between 85-110 pounds of pressure and they had about 45 in them!! He inflated them to the proper amount and I headed home. I could not believe the difference!! I whizzed up my driveway, whizzed up my sidewalk ramp, popped into the door of my house and right on in the living room. I suddenly felt 50 pounds lighter. I was ecstatic!! The ice cream could stay!!!
Over these last few days, it has amazed me how that loss of air could cause me such discomfort and trouble! Obviously, I know a flat tire is a problem (been there, done that) but I had no clue how a tire just low on air could hinder my productiveness in getting around.
Lesson? Here goes: how much in life do we go about trying to do in our own power? We struggle on, trying to do the same old things we have always done, but something is different. It is not as easy or enjoyable as it once was. We struggle to do the things we have always done well before. What is our problem? Have we gotten fat and lazy? Maybe. However, I would say that most of the time it is because we are trying to do it without the indwelling of the spirit of God in our everyday life. I am not talking about salvation here, but about letting Him fill our life and all the things that we try to do, doing it through Christ who strengthens me. How many times do we get the "I can do all things" part down, but we forget the "through Christ" part.
Don't get bogged down wheelin' your way through life all alone. Be filled with His presence, be filled with the joy of the Lord, be filled with the power from on high - and roll on!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Feeling Jumpy
Several years ago, I took a red oil lantern and wired it for electricity and turned it into a reading lamp for my boys. They had taken it downstairs to their new bedroom and wanted to use it. It kept flickering on and off, like it wasn't plugged in good, but it was. We have concluded that there must be a short in the wiring now, and it is not safe for them to use. I must repair that lamp before it will be able to be used again.
Yesterday at therapy, my therapist decided we were going to work on my hamstrings - the muscle that runs up the back of your leg above your knees. He laid me on my stomach, put a large pillow roll under my ankles and said "Try to pull your foot up towards your backside". Well, the most unusual things started happening! On my right leg (the stronger one), I would tell my foot to come up and it would move about an inch, then down it would go, again I would tell it and it would hop about 3 inches, back and forth I fought with it until it finally jumped so big I about kicked myself in the head! (okay, slight exaggeration but I want you to get the picture!)The actual hamstring muscle was jumping so bad under my skin that it looked someone had implanted Mexican jumping beans behind my knee! The therapist laid a rolled up rag behind my knee and the jumping hamstring muscle kept knocking it off!
Once I got the leg in the up position, I would tell it to go down and it would start to, then kick back up and then head back down, and the fight was on again. I had never yet experienced this during therapy!! I am used to commanding my body to do something and it does absolutely nothing. To have it do a little bit of what I said, and then jump around like crazy and do it's own thing the rest of the time was....confusing to me. I didn't know to laugh at it - because it is really, really unusual - or to get mad!
I asked my therapist why this was happening. He said "welcome to the world of spasms." He said he could take the rest of the session explaining it in detail, but the basic idea was that because of the messed up communication, my nerves were trying to get signals to my muscles, but they were confused and weren't getting simple commands. Some of my paralyzed friends I have met along this road, deal with this all the time and have to take medications to keep it under control. I have never had any major issues with it before though. He said that the ability to walk is based on quick responses from all kinds of your muscles (abdomen, glutes, quads, hip flexors, hamstrings, calves, ankle flexors) and that only my hips are responding pretty quickly to my command (at least until they get tired). So, we keep trying to train them to obey quickly and without confusion.
Wow. The application of this to our Christian life is very convicting to me. I think how many times, because my communication is not right with the Lord, I get "mixed signals" from God. The problem is not because He has not given a clear command or taught us in His Word. It is because my communication with Him (Bible reading, prayer, meditating on His Word, giving and singing praises to Him)is not right. We get mixed signals and we come out thinking and doing the wrong things.
We are such emotional people. We are up and down and up and down. We are so inconsistent in our spiritual lives. We keep working in our own strength, fighting and struggling to get things to go and work out like they are supposed to, but we have forgotten and missed the simple things we are commanded to do. Have I read my Bible today? Yesterday? This week? Have I talked to the Lord today - not just about my problems, but to fellowship with Him, thank Him for His blessings, rejoice that He is my Father? Have I been to church faithfully to be exhorted? We don't do these simple things and then we wonder why we struggle at times. We live with mixed signals and then we take it out on God for why things aren't working out right in my life.
I say this analogy is convicting because it is true in my life. How many times am I having a grumpy day and realize that the Lord did not get the "first fruits" of my morning? How many times have I ran to the Lord for comfort or help, but haven't come to Him to just have a wonderful chat? How many times have I wanted Him to help me, but what have I done in my service for Him? How many times have I sought the "deeper" meanings and answers to life, and have failed to obey the simple things - like love one another...encourage one another...judge not...be ye kind...submit yourselves one to another...preferring one another...be ye holy....and on and on? I am guilty of all of these things.
A "jumpy" Christian is not stable, and like that old lantern light and my legs, they can be unpredictable, dangerous, and not very functional to the body of Christ.
So...every time my legs get jumpy, I want it to be a physical reminder for me to check my heart and life and make sure they aren't jumpy too!
"A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." James 1:8
"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord." I Corinthians 15:58
Yesterday at therapy, my therapist decided we were going to work on my hamstrings - the muscle that runs up the back of your leg above your knees. He laid me on my stomach, put a large pillow roll under my ankles and said "Try to pull your foot up towards your backside". Well, the most unusual things started happening! On my right leg (the stronger one), I would tell my foot to come up and it would move about an inch, then down it would go, again I would tell it and it would hop about 3 inches, back and forth I fought with it until it finally jumped so big I about kicked myself in the head! (okay, slight exaggeration but I want you to get the picture!)The actual hamstring muscle was jumping so bad under my skin that it looked someone had implanted Mexican jumping beans behind my knee! The therapist laid a rolled up rag behind my knee and the jumping hamstring muscle kept knocking it off!
Once I got the leg in the up position, I would tell it to go down and it would start to, then kick back up and then head back down, and the fight was on again. I had never yet experienced this during therapy!! I am used to commanding my body to do something and it does absolutely nothing. To have it do a little bit of what I said, and then jump around like crazy and do it's own thing the rest of the time was....confusing to me. I didn't know to laugh at it - because it is really, really unusual - or to get mad!
I asked my therapist why this was happening. He said "welcome to the world of spasms." He said he could take the rest of the session explaining it in detail, but the basic idea was that because of the messed up communication, my nerves were trying to get signals to my muscles, but they were confused and weren't getting simple commands. Some of my paralyzed friends I have met along this road, deal with this all the time and have to take medications to keep it under control. I have never had any major issues with it before though. He said that the ability to walk is based on quick responses from all kinds of your muscles (abdomen, glutes, quads, hip flexors, hamstrings, calves, ankle flexors) and that only my hips are responding pretty quickly to my command (at least until they get tired). So, we keep trying to train them to obey quickly and without confusion.
Wow. The application of this to our Christian life is very convicting to me. I think how many times, because my communication is not right with the Lord, I get "mixed signals" from God. The problem is not because He has not given a clear command or taught us in His Word. It is because my communication with Him (Bible reading, prayer, meditating on His Word, giving and singing praises to Him)is not right. We get mixed signals and we come out thinking and doing the wrong things.
We are such emotional people. We are up and down and up and down. We are so inconsistent in our spiritual lives. We keep working in our own strength, fighting and struggling to get things to go and work out like they are supposed to, but we have forgotten and missed the simple things we are commanded to do. Have I read my Bible today? Yesterday? This week? Have I talked to the Lord today - not just about my problems, but to fellowship with Him, thank Him for His blessings, rejoice that He is my Father? Have I been to church faithfully to be exhorted? We don't do these simple things and then we wonder why we struggle at times. We live with mixed signals and then we take it out on God for why things aren't working out right in my life.
I say this analogy is convicting because it is true in my life. How many times am I having a grumpy day and realize that the Lord did not get the "first fruits" of my morning? How many times have I ran to the Lord for comfort or help, but haven't come to Him to just have a wonderful chat? How many times have I wanted Him to help me, but what have I done in my service for Him? How many times have I sought the "deeper" meanings and answers to life, and have failed to obey the simple things - like love one another...encourage one another...judge not...be ye kind...submit yourselves one to another...preferring one another...be ye holy....and on and on? I am guilty of all of these things.
A "jumpy" Christian is not stable, and like that old lantern light and my legs, they can be unpredictable, dangerous, and not very functional to the body of Christ.
So...every time my legs get jumpy, I want it to be a physical reminder for me to check my heart and life and make sure they aren't jumpy too!
"A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." James 1:8
"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord." I Corinthians 15:58
Sunday, May 30, 2010
The Butterfly...
The last few weeks I have been very emotional about a few things. I have questioned myself as to why I am revisiting some of these emotions that I thought I had already worked through.
Today, as I watched a butterfly flutter its way around my blooming flowers, I wondered if he ever missed being a caterpillar. Somehow, in that single silly thought, lay the answer to my wonderings.
Summer is in full swing at our house. There are projects that we are trying to do, cleaning out of winter clutter, and activities to plan. There are certain traditions that we have done every summer as a family - playing in the creek, hiking in state parks, riding bikes with the children, hours of fun at playgrounds - so many things that remind me of what life was before and the reality of how it is now. Last summer, I was very pregnant, having the baby, and recovering from surgery so somehow these things didn't bother me. This summer...I feel more like my old self and am ready to go!
I try to continue to do what I can and make the adjustments to doing it differently. But it is different - sometimes so very different that the memory of it is too painful to even want to continue trying. But I must keep trying - I don't want to give in and quit.
Anyone that is paralyzed can tell you that so many things are a struggle. Paralysis is not just that you can't walk. To be honest, without going into detail, there are other things that I would rather "get back" that would be higher on a list than walking.
There are, of course, the physical struggles of wheeling yourself from point A to B. The struggles of getting up, showering, getting dressed, doing your housework, cooking, trying to keep your body healthy and functioning as it should, circulation issues, trying to avoid pressure sores, and trying to stay limber so your joints don't freeze.
There are emotional struggles. Feeling like you are a burden to those who help you - from your closest family member who helps in ways that no one else sees, to you friends who put your chair up for you in the rain while you sit in the dry car. The struggle of living with pain every day but trying to stay cheerful so you have a happy atmosphere in the home. You know, "If momma ain't happy...."! The struggle when your children come to you crying because they can't remember anymore when you walked and you convince them that we are all together and alive and that is what matters. They walk away happy and satisfied and then you cry because you feel like you have been the cause of their little broken hearts. The struggle of hearing fun activities being planned and knowing that every little detail will have to involve if you can get around in your chair or not. If it is not accessible, you are out.
Yes, the spiritual struggles. Balancing a life of faith with a fleshly body. Balancing asking God questions without demanding answers. Balancing "leaning not to my own understanding" with wanting to figure it all out. These last paragraphs have not been written to evoke pity but to make a point.
That butterfly - that beautiful butterfly, freely flying through the air. So quickly it went, wherever it wanted. No barriers. No struggle in sight. Gracefully maneuvering and providing me with joy just to watch it. Then came the question if it ever missed being a caterpillar? I am confident that if it could communicate to me, it would say no.
That caterpillar - limited by the ground or only where his feet would allow him to go. Trudging slowly along wherever he went, he was prey to anything that could come along and stomp him underfoot.
That day - the day the change happened for him. He was thrown into a world he had known nothing about before. Changes took place in his little body that, had he human emotions, would have frightened and panicked him as he felt like all control had been lost.
The struggle - the process of coming out of the cocoon to be revealed as a butterfly. The story is told of a man who watched this process happening. He watched the butterfly struggling and struggling to break the cocoon away from himself so that he could be free. The man felt pity for the little butterfly and helped to break away the cocoon to free him. When the butterfly came out, his wings were crippled and he could not fly. The man asked an authority why this had happened and was told that the struggle of breaking out of the cocoon was what strengthened the wings and allowed the butterfly to fly.
I want to not be bound by the past, by fears, by unanswered questions, by the feelings of loss or sadness, or by my own lack of faith. I want to be free. I want to fly. I know that it is in and through these struggles that I am gaining the strength that I need to be free. I know, that as I come through these struggles, a stronger wife, mother, friend and Christian, I will look back and never desire to be a caterpillar. I can already see some things, but at times my vision gets blurry.
I am so thankful for my Creator and the reminder of the butterfly to clear things up for me. Let's fly!
Today, as I watched a butterfly flutter its way around my blooming flowers, I wondered if he ever missed being a caterpillar. Somehow, in that single silly thought, lay the answer to my wonderings.
Summer is in full swing at our house. There are projects that we are trying to do, cleaning out of winter clutter, and activities to plan. There are certain traditions that we have done every summer as a family - playing in the creek, hiking in state parks, riding bikes with the children, hours of fun at playgrounds - so many things that remind me of what life was before and the reality of how it is now. Last summer, I was very pregnant, having the baby, and recovering from surgery so somehow these things didn't bother me. This summer...I feel more like my old self and am ready to go!
I try to continue to do what I can and make the adjustments to doing it differently. But it is different - sometimes so very different that the memory of it is too painful to even want to continue trying. But I must keep trying - I don't want to give in and quit.
Anyone that is paralyzed can tell you that so many things are a struggle. Paralysis is not just that you can't walk. To be honest, without going into detail, there are other things that I would rather "get back" that would be higher on a list than walking.
There are, of course, the physical struggles of wheeling yourself from point A to B. The struggles of getting up, showering, getting dressed, doing your housework, cooking, trying to keep your body healthy and functioning as it should, circulation issues, trying to avoid pressure sores, and trying to stay limber so your joints don't freeze.
There are emotional struggles. Feeling like you are a burden to those who help you - from your closest family member who helps in ways that no one else sees, to you friends who put your chair up for you in the rain while you sit in the dry car. The struggle of living with pain every day but trying to stay cheerful so you have a happy atmosphere in the home. You know, "If momma ain't happy...."! The struggle when your children come to you crying because they can't remember anymore when you walked and you convince them that we are all together and alive and that is what matters. They walk away happy and satisfied and then you cry because you feel like you have been the cause of their little broken hearts. The struggle of hearing fun activities being planned and knowing that every little detail will have to involve if you can get around in your chair or not. If it is not accessible, you are out.
Yes, the spiritual struggles. Balancing a life of faith with a fleshly body. Balancing asking God questions without demanding answers. Balancing "leaning not to my own understanding" with wanting to figure it all out. These last paragraphs have not been written to evoke pity but to make a point.
That butterfly - that beautiful butterfly, freely flying through the air. So quickly it went, wherever it wanted. No barriers. No struggle in sight. Gracefully maneuvering and providing me with joy just to watch it. Then came the question if it ever missed being a caterpillar? I am confident that if it could communicate to me, it would say no.
That caterpillar - limited by the ground or only where his feet would allow him to go. Trudging slowly along wherever he went, he was prey to anything that could come along and stomp him underfoot.
That day - the day the change happened for him. He was thrown into a world he had known nothing about before. Changes took place in his little body that, had he human emotions, would have frightened and panicked him as he felt like all control had been lost.
The struggle - the process of coming out of the cocoon to be revealed as a butterfly. The story is told of a man who watched this process happening. He watched the butterfly struggling and struggling to break the cocoon away from himself so that he could be free. The man felt pity for the little butterfly and helped to break away the cocoon to free him. When the butterfly came out, his wings were crippled and he could not fly. The man asked an authority why this had happened and was told that the struggle of breaking out of the cocoon was what strengthened the wings and allowed the butterfly to fly.
I want to not be bound by the past, by fears, by unanswered questions, by the feelings of loss or sadness, or by my own lack of faith. I want to be free. I want to fly. I know that it is in and through these struggles that I am gaining the strength that I need to be free. I know, that as I come through these struggles, a stronger wife, mother, friend and Christian, I will look back and never desire to be a caterpillar. I can already see some things, but at times my vision gets blurry.
I am so thankful for my Creator and the reminder of the butterfly to clear things up for me. Let's fly!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Each step I take....
At therapy today, I set a new record of walking 39 feet with braces. I didn't really know what Jeremy (my therapist) had in mind. We have braced up (I sound like a horse getting saddled up!) many times before and practiced standing and some steps at the parallel bars and also in this harness thing where they take like 50% of your body weight off. However, today he said "Give me a minute to go get a spotter".
He came back with a rolling walker and another therapist and said we were going to the hallway. I wish I had a camera for the scene that followed - well, no I don't because it must have really looked silly. It gave me a good laugh. Imagine me sitting in the chair with my legs sticking straight out (because they are braced). I can't go forward myself because my shoes are touching the floor and my legs won't bend to put them on the footplate. I can't pick them up myself and push myself, so Jeremy just gets in front of me and picks up my feet and the other therapist pushed me and I just set there wondering where they were taking me and what were we about to attempt. You probably had to be there but we looked really funny!
Out in the hallway, Jeremy said that we were going to see how far we could go today without bars. I was able to get up (with a little assistance - rolling walkers on linoleum is not the most secure feeling in the world!) and we were ready to go.
This is the part of the story that has inspired this post. I can't feel my feet on the floor and can't really tell where my legs are in relation to the rest of my body so I have to watch to see what is happening. Since you can't tell where your feet are, it is very hard to ever feel balanced. With the balance issue and feeling very unsure of what your lower body is going to do, I cling on for dear life to that walker! Ever so slowly, one lurching micro-step at a time, you make progress. I was focusing so intently on each step that I didn't even notice where we were in the hallway. My arms were burning, every muscle from my neck to my waist felt strained, 3 fingers on each hand were numb from gripping the walker so tight, and Jeremy said "just a tiny bit more Alicia". It was then I looked up and we were about 5 feet from a doorway. I said, "I want to pass that door." He said "Okay."
After awhile, my legs just hardly won't go anymore. The muscles just decided they have had enough and they will not do anything else. When this has happened on the parallel bars, Jeremy always takes his hand and moves the leg/foot where it needs to go and moves it forward for you. By the time, I had looked up and decided to pass that door, I was already struggling. He kept reaching down and wanting to help and I said "Jeremy, I am going to pretend to be my 2 year old. I want to do it all by myself." So, he was patient with me and let me try.
I didn't think I would make it those last 3 feet - literally the width of that doorway. It took about 10 minutes, but I finally made it! I collapsed into my chair absolutely drenched and exhausted and Jeremy patted me on the back and said "Good job."
My mind has been thinking about this beautiful hymn and what it really means in our lives. Of course, music is a huge part of my life and always speaks to my heart. If only we would concentrate hard to make sure to guard each step we take. If only we would cling to our precious Savior as much as I clung on to that walker! Realizing that without it, I could do nothing! If only I tried so very hard, that every ounce of energy I had would go into a life of pleasing Christ because I have a goal in mind - not of reaching Heaven, that has been paid for by the blood of Jesus, but of hearing my Heavenly Father say to me "Good job. Well done thou good and faithful servant."
Each Step I Take
Each step I take my Saviour goes before me,
And with His loving hand He leads the way,
And with each breath I whisper "I adore Thee;"
Oh, what joy to walk with Him each day.
Ref:
Each step I take I know that He will guide me;
To higher ground He ever leads me on.
Until some day the last step will be taken.
Each step I take just leads me closer home.
At times I feel my faith begin to waver,
When up ahead I see a chasm wide.
It's then I turn and look up to my Saviour,
I am strong when He is by my side.
I trust in God, no matter come what may,
For life eternal in His hand,
He holds the key that opens up the way,
That will lead me to the promised land.
He came back with a rolling walker and another therapist and said we were going to the hallway. I wish I had a camera for the scene that followed - well, no I don't because it must have really looked silly. It gave me a good laugh. Imagine me sitting in the chair with my legs sticking straight out (because they are braced). I can't go forward myself because my shoes are touching the floor and my legs won't bend to put them on the footplate. I can't pick them up myself and push myself, so Jeremy just gets in front of me and picks up my feet and the other therapist pushed me and I just set there wondering where they were taking me and what were we about to attempt. You probably had to be there but we looked really funny!
Out in the hallway, Jeremy said that we were going to see how far we could go today without bars. I was able to get up (with a little assistance - rolling walkers on linoleum is not the most secure feeling in the world!) and we were ready to go.
This is the part of the story that has inspired this post. I can't feel my feet on the floor and can't really tell where my legs are in relation to the rest of my body so I have to watch to see what is happening. Since you can't tell where your feet are, it is very hard to ever feel balanced. With the balance issue and feeling very unsure of what your lower body is going to do, I cling on for dear life to that walker! Ever so slowly, one lurching micro-step at a time, you make progress. I was focusing so intently on each step that I didn't even notice where we were in the hallway. My arms were burning, every muscle from my neck to my waist felt strained, 3 fingers on each hand were numb from gripping the walker so tight, and Jeremy said "just a tiny bit more Alicia". It was then I looked up and we were about 5 feet from a doorway. I said, "I want to pass that door." He said "Okay."
After awhile, my legs just hardly won't go anymore. The muscles just decided they have had enough and they will not do anything else. When this has happened on the parallel bars, Jeremy always takes his hand and moves the leg/foot where it needs to go and moves it forward for you. By the time, I had looked up and decided to pass that door, I was already struggling. He kept reaching down and wanting to help and I said "Jeremy, I am going to pretend to be my 2 year old. I want to do it all by myself." So, he was patient with me and let me try.
I didn't think I would make it those last 3 feet - literally the width of that doorway. It took about 10 minutes, but I finally made it! I collapsed into my chair absolutely drenched and exhausted and Jeremy patted me on the back and said "Good job."
My mind has been thinking about this beautiful hymn and what it really means in our lives. Of course, music is a huge part of my life and always speaks to my heart. If only we would concentrate hard to make sure to guard each step we take. If only we would cling to our precious Savior as much as I clung on to that walker! Realizing that without it, I could do nothing! If only I tried so very hard, that every ounce of energy I had would go into a life of pleasing Christ because I have a goal in mind - not of reaching Heaven, that has been paid for by the blood of Jesus, but of hearing my Heavenly Father say to me "Good job. Well done thou good and faithful servant."
Each Step I Take
Each step I take my Saviour goes before me,
And with His loving hand He leads the way,
And with each breath I whisper "I adore Thee;"
Oh, what joy to walk with Him each day.
Ref:
Each step I take I know that He will guide me;
To higher ground He ever leads me on.
Until some day the last step will be taken.
Each step I take just leads me closer home.
At times I feel my faith begin to waver,
When up ahead I see a chasm wide.
It's then I turn and look up to my Saviour,
I am strong when He is by my side.
I trust in God, no matter come what may,
For life eternal in His hand,
He holds the key that opens up the way,
That will lead me to the promised land.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)