I received my new full leg braces a few weeks ago. They have taught me how to get up and down in them at the parallel bars and how to take steps and walk with them. Braces do not help you walk - they keep your legs from buckling and from falling down. Once you are up, you can just stand there (while hanging on because I have zero balance) or you can learn to try and get those legs to go forward. Here is how that works. You lean all your weight to one leg which allows you to raise your hip and kind of throw it forward. Your hip muscles are connected to your ab muscles so a lot of the hip throwing comes from my abs. I know because my stomach is always SO sore after I do this. I do have a little bit of hip strength but the majority comes from my abs.
After having used these braces at home for a couple weeks now with my own parallel bars, it has become VERY clear to me that my thoughts about them are not quite accurate. I really thought that once I got them, I could use them at my kitchen sink to stand or maybe go around the house some but maybe not in public or whatever. My parallel bars are about 8 feet long and by the time I go down them twice, I am done. Well, not me - I feel like I want to keep going and going, but my legs will just not go anymore. I tell them to go and lean and do everything I am supposed to do, but they just won't move.
Also, the parallel bars are very steady. A walker is NOT! It is tipsy and makes me feel like I am falling over all the time. I can't even breathe the wrong way or over I go! Also, the braces are very heavy and bulky. I cannot transfer out of my chair onto anything because they are too heavy and bulky. They pull me into the floor!
So.....I got my nerve up to ask them on Monday how realistic these braces are and will I be walking with them or not. I really already knew in my heart what I felt but thought I may be wrong.
They told me that, realistically, no, I would not be walking in them. They said that there are a few people who have mastered walking with them but they had more hip movement then I do. They also said that you have muscles for strength and muscles for endurance. They explained this by saying that they could go out and try to run a marathon without being trained for it, and within a few minutes their muscles would be saying "we are done, we cannot run any more!" However, they can walk around all day and be fine because their muscles have the endurance to walk because they are trained for that. Their goal with me is to push me past my endurance level at every session (which is why I come home so tired!). They hope that over time, my endurance level will come up even if the strength doesn't come up. If that were the case, then braces would be more effective for walking with them. They said I have come a long way in one year (when I first started therapy, I could do absolutely nothing in any muscle) and that a lot can still happen but it is a very long and slow process. They said when the spinal cord is damaged, it takes a very long time to heal and you really never know if it stops healing or not. You can only try to keep retraining those nerves and muscles and hope for results.
The reason I am sharing all of this with you? First of all, because every one of you has been so sweet and encouraging along the way and have shared that you want updated so I have tried to be faithful to do that for you. Secondly, because when the general population hears the words "I took steps at the parallel bars with my braces" or "I can move my toes" or "I feel pain deep in my legs", then they automatically assume that you will be up and about just like the old days in no time and it just isn't so. There is much involved and it is extremely complicated and part of how I want to use all this in my life, is to help explain in as simple terms as I can, the actual process and how it all works.
For the record, I am not upset about what I was told on Monday. I am at peace with living my life from this chair and long to reflect Christ in my life. I want to do my part in recovery, but whatever God does with the rest is up to Him. God is good!
Thank you for your faithfulness and interest in my life. Let's all keep serving Him!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Whew.....!!
I recently was alarmed by something. I thought I had gained weight!! I have no ability to weigh myself, so I have to depend on other clues. Just for the record, not being able to weigh myself would be a definite perk to paralysis!
My clothes seemed to be fitting me the same, my face really didn't look any puffier, my legs were only swelling in the evenings, so what was causing this problem that made me think I was getting fatter? I was having a VERY hard time pushing myself up any incline. My ramp out front, my driveway that slopes up, even just pushing across carpet was SO much harder!! I knew I have been faithfully working out my upper body and so my pushing should be easier - not harder! So, I concluded that I must be putting on weight somewhere and was getting heavier and did not know it.
I had just about decided to give up my ice cream for the summer (which is a MAJOR sacrifice for me) when I discovered something. I do "wheelchair push-ups" where you put your hands on the top of your tires and "push up" lifting your backside off the seat for a minute or two to give yourself pressure relief. It also helps relieve a tiny bit of pain for me in my hips. I do it quite often without even thinking about it. This day when I did it, I realized that the tires felt a tiny bit squishy under my hands. Nothing major, the tires didn't look low or anything, but I decided to ask a guy in my church who had an air compressor if he would add a little air to my tires.
My tires are supposed to hold between 85-110 pounds of pressure and they had about 45 in them!! He inflated them to the proper amount and I headed home. I could not believe the difference!! I whizzed up my driveway, whizzed up my sidewalk ramp, popped into the door of my house and right on in the living room. I suddenly felt 50 pounds lighter. I was ecstatic!! The ice cream could stay!!!
Over these last few days, it has amazed me how that loss of air could cause me such discomfort and trouble! Obviously, I know a flat tire is a problem (been there, done that) but I had no clue how a tire just low on air could hinder my productiveness in getting around.
Lesson? Here goes: how much in life do we go about trying to do in our own power? We struggle on, trying to do the same old things we have always done, but something is different. It is not as easy or enjoyable as it once was. We struggle to do the things we have always done well before. What is our problem? Have we gotten fat and lazy? Maybe. However, I would say that most of the time it is because we are trying to do it without the indwelling of the spirit of God in our everyday life. I am not talking about salvation here, but about letting Him fill our life and all the things that we try to do, doing it through Christ who strengthens me. How many times do we get the "I can do all things" part down, but we forget the "through Christ" part.
Don't get bogged down wheelin' your way through life all alone. Be filled with His presence, be filled with the joy of the Lord, be filled with the power from on high - and roll on!
My clothes seemed to be fitting me the same, my face really didn't look any puffier, my legs were only swelling in the evenings, so what was causing this problem that made me think I was getting fatter? I was having a VERY hard time pushing myself up any incline. My ramp out front, my driveway that slopes up, even just pushing across carpet was SO much harder!! I knew I have been faithfully working out my upper body and so my pushing should be easier - not harder! So, I concluded that I must be putting on weight somewhere and was getting heavier and did not know it.
I had just about decided to give up my ice cream for the summer (which is a MAJOR sacrifice for me) when I discovered something. I do "wheelchair push-ups" where you put your hands on the top of your tires and "push up" lifting your backside off the seat for a minute or two to give yourself pressure relief. It also helps relieve a tiny bit of pain for me in my hips. I do it quite often without even thinking about it. This day when I did it, I realized that the tires felt a tiny bit squishy under my hands. Nothing major, the tires didn't look low or anything, but I decided to ask a guy in my church who had an air compressor if he would add a little air to my tires.
My tires are supposed to hold between 85-110 pounds of pressure and they had about 45 in them!! He inflated them to the proper amount and I headed home. I could not believe the difference!! I whizzed up my driveway, whizzed up my sidewalk ramp, popped into the door of my house and right on in the living room. I suddenly felt 50 pounds lighter. I was ecstatic!! The ice cream could stay!!!
Over these last few days, it has amazed me how that loss of air could cause me such discomfort and trouble! Obviously, I know a flat tire is a problem (been there, done that) but I had no clue how a tire just low on air could hinder my productiveness in getting around.
Lesson? Here goes: how much in life do we go about trying to do in our own power? We struggle on, trying to do the same old things we have always done, but something is different. It is not as easy or enjoyable as it once was. We struggle to do the things we have always done well before. What is our problem? Have we gotten fat and lazy? Maybe. However, I would say that most of the time it is because we are trying to do it without the indwelling of the spirit of God in our everyday life. I am not talking about salvation here, but about letting Him fill our life and all the things that we try to do, doing it through Christ who strengthens me. How many times do we get the "I can do all things" part down, but we forget the "through Christ" part.
Don't get bogged down wheelin' your way through life all alone. Be filled with His presence, be filled with the joy of the Lord, be filled with the power from on high - and roll on!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Feeling Jumpy
Several years ago, I took a red oil lantern and wired it for electricity and turned it into a reading lamp for my boys. They had taken it downstairs to their new bedroom and wanted to use it. It kept flickering on and off, like it wasn't plugged in good, but it was. We have concluded that there must be a short in the wiring now, and it is not safe for them to use. I must repair that lamp before it will be able to be used again.
Yesterday at therapy, my therapist decided we were going to work on my hamstrings - the muscle that runs up the back of your leg above your knees. He laid me on my stomach, put a large pillow roll under my ankles and said "Try to pull your foot up towards your backside". Well, the most unusual things started happening! On my right leg (the stronger one), I would tell my foot to come up and it would move about an inch, then down it would go, again I would tell it and it would hop about 3 inches, back and forth I fought with it until it finally jumped so big I about kicked myself in the head! (okay, slight exaggeration but I want you to get the picture!)The actual hamstring muscle was jumping so bad under my skin that it looked someone had implanted Mexican jumping beans behind my knee! The therapist laid a rolled up rag behind my knee and the jumping hamstring muscle kept knocking it off!
Once I got the leg in the up position, I would tell it to go down and it would start to, then kick back up and then head back down, and the fight was on again. I had never yet experienced this during therapy!! I am used to commanding my body to do something and it does absolutely nothing. To have it do a little bit of what I said, and then jump around like crazy and do it's own thing the rest of the time was....confusing to me. I didn't know to laugh at it - because it is really, really unusual - or to get mad!
I asked my therapist why this was happening. He said "welcome to the world of spasms." He said he could take the rest of the session explaining it in detail, but the basic idea was that because of the messed up communication, my nerves were trying to get signals to my muscles, but they were confused and weren't getting simple commands. Some of my paralyzed friends I have met along this road, deal with this all the time and have to take medications to keep it under control. I have never had any major issues with it before though. He said that the ability to walk is based on quick responses from all kinds of your muscles (abdomen, glutes, quads, hip flexors, hamstrings, calves, ankle flexors) and that only my hips are responding pretty quickly to my command (at least until they get tired). So, we keep trying to train them to obey quickly and without confusion.
Wow. The application of this to our Christian life is very convicting to me. I think how many times, because my communication is not right with the Lord, I get "mixed signals" from God. The problem is not because He has not given a clear command or taught us in His Word. It is because my communication with Him (Bible reading, prayer, meditating on His Word, giving and singing praises to Him)is not right. We get mixed signals and we come out thinking and doing the wrong things.
We are such emotional people. We are up and down and up and down. We are so inconsistent in our spiritual lives. We keep working in our own strength, fighting and struggling to get things to go and work out like they are supposed to, but we have forgotten and missed the simple things we are commanded to do. Have I read my Bible today? Yesterday? This week? Have I talked to the Lord today - not just about my problems, but to fellowship with Him, thank Him for His blessings, rejoice that He is my Father? Have I been to church faithfully to be exhorted? We don't do these simple things and then we wonder why we struggle at times. We live with mixed signals and then we take it out on God for why things aren't working out right in my life.
I say this analogy is convicting because it is true in my life. How many times am I having a grumpy day and realize that the Lord did not get the "first fruits" of my morning? How many times have I ran to the Lord for comfort or help, but haven't come to Him to just have a wonderful chat? How many times have I wanted Him to help me, but what have I done in my service for Him? How many times have I sought the "deeper" meanings and answers to life, and have failed to obey the simple things - like love one another...encourage one another...judge not...be ye kind...submit yourselves one to another...preferring one another...be ye holy....and on and on? I am guilty of all of these things.
A "jumpy" Christian is not stable, and like that old lantern light and my legs, they can be unpredictable, dangerous, and not very functional to the body of Christ.
So...every time my legs get jumpy, I want it to be a physical reminder for me to check my heart and life and make sure they aren't jumpy too!
"A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." James 1:8
"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord." I Corinthians 15:58
Yesterday at therapy, my therapist decided we were going to work on my hamstrings - the muscle that runs up the back of your leg above your knees. He laid me on my stomach, put a large pillow roll under my ankles and said "Try to pull your foot up towards your backside". Well, the most unusual things started happening! On my right leg (the stronger one), I would tell my foot to come up and it would move about an inch, then down it would go, again I would tell it and it would hop about 3 inches, back and forth I fought with it until it finally jumped so big I about kicked myself in the head! (okay, slight exaggeration but I want you to get the picture!)The actual hamstring muscle was jumping so bad under my skin that it looked someone had implanted Mexican jumping beans behind my knee! The therapist laid a rolled up rag behind my knee and the jumping hamstring muscle kept knocking it off!
Once I got the leg in the up position, I would tell it to go down and it would start to, then kick back up and then head back down, and the fight was on again. I had never yet experienced this during therapy!! I am used to commanding my body to do something and it does absolutely nothing. To have it do a little bit of what I said, and then jump around like crazy and do it's own thing the rest of the time was....confusing to me. I didn't know to laugh at it - because it is really, really unusual - or to get mad!
I asked my therapist why this was happening. He said "welcome to the world of spasms." He said he could take the rest of the session explaining it in detail, but the basic idea was that because of the messed up communication, my nerves were trying to get signals to my muscles, but they were confused and weren't getting simple commands. Some of my paralyzed friends I have met along this road, deal with this all the time and have to take medications to keep it under control. I have never had any major issues with it before though. He said that the ability to walk is based on quick responses from all kinds of your muscles (abdomen, glutes, quads, hip flexors, hamstrings, calves, ankle flexors) and that only my hips are responding pretty quickly to my command (at least until they get tired). So, we keep trying to train them to obey quickly and without confusion.
Wow. The application of this to our Christian life is very convicting to me. I think how many times, because my communication is not right with the Lord, I get "mixed signals" from God. The problem is not because He has not given a clear command or taught us in His Word. It is because my communication with Him (Bible reading, prayer, meditating on His Word, giving and singing praises to Him)is not right. We get mixed signals and we come out thinking and doing the wrong things.
We are such emotional people. We are up and down and up and down. We are so inconsistent in our spiritual lives. We keep working in our own strength, fighting and struggling to get things to go and work out like they are supposed to, but we have forgotten and missed the simple things we are commanded to do. Have I read my Bible today? Yesterday? This week? Have I talked to the Lord today - not just about my problems, but to fellowship with Him, thank Him for His blessings, rejoice that He is my Father? Have I been to church faithfully to be exhorted? We don't do these simple things and then we wonder why we struggle at times. We live with mixed signals and then we take it out on God for why things aren't working out right in my life.
I say this analogy is convicting because it is true in my life. How many times am I having a grumpy day and realize that the Lord did not get the "first fruits" of my morning? How many times have I ran to the Lord for comfort or help, but haven't come to Him to just have a wonderful chat? How many times have I wanted Him to help me, but what have I done in my service for Him? How many times have I sought the "deeper" meanings and answers to life, and have failed to obey the simple things - like love one another...encourage one another...judge not...be ye kind...submit yourselves one to another...preferring one another...be ye holy....and on and on? I am guilty of all of these things.
A "jumpy" Christian is not stable, and like that old lantern light and my legs, they can be unpredictable, dangerous, and not very functional to the body of Christ.
So...every time my legs get jumpy, I want it to be a physical reminder for me to check my heart and life and make sure they aren't jumpy too!
"A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." James 1:8
"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord." I Corinthians 15:58
Sunday, May 30, 2010
The Butterfly...
The last few weeks I have been very emotional about a few things. I have questioned myself as to why I am revisiting some of these emotions that I thought I had already worked through.
Today, as I watched a butterfly flutter its way around my blooming flowers, I wondered if he ever missed being a caterpillar. Somehow, in that single silly thought, lay the answer to my wonderings.
Summer is in full swing at our house. There are projects that we are trying to do, cleaning out of winter clutter, and activities to plan. There are certain traditions that we have done every summer as a family - playing in the creek, hiking in state parks, riding bikes with the children, hours of fun at playgrounds - so many things that remind me of what life was before and the reality of how it is now. Last summer, I was very pregnant, having the baby, and recovering from surgery so somehow these things didn't bother me. This summer...I feel more like my old self and am ready to go!
I try to continue to do what I can and make the adjustments to doing it differently. But it is different - sometimes so very different that the memory of it is too painful to even want to continue trying. But I must keep trying - I don't want to give in and quit.
Anyone that is paralyzed can tell you that so many things are a struggle. Paralysis is not just that you can't walk. To be honest, without going into detail, there are other things that I would rather "get back" that would be higher on a list than walking.
There are, of course, the physical struggles of wheeling yourself from point A to B. The struggles of getting up, showering, getting dressed, doing your housework, cooking, trying to keep your body healthy and functioning as it should, circulation issues, trying to avoid pressure sores, and trying to stay limber so your joints don't freeze.
There are emotional struggles. Feeling like you are a burden to those who help you - from your closest family member who helps in ways that no one else sees, to you friends who put your chair up for you in the rain while you sit in the dry car. The struggle of living with pain every day but trying to stay cheerful so you have a happy atmosphere in the home. You know, "If momma ain't happy...."! The struggle when your children come to you crying because they can't remember anymore when you walked and you convince them that we are all together and alive and that is what matters. They walk away happy and satisfied and then you cry because you feel like you have been the cause of their little broken hearts. The struggle of hearing fun activities being planned and knowing that every little detail will have to involve if you can get around in your chair or not. If it is not accessible, you are out.
Yes, the spiritual struggles. Balancing a life of faith with a fleshly body. Balancing asking God questions without demanding answers. Balancing "leaning not to my own understanding" with wanting to figure it all out. These last paragraphs have not been written to evoke pity but to make a point.
That butterfly - that beautiful butterfly, freely flying through the air. So quickly it went, wherever it wanted. No barriers. No struggle in sight. Gracefully maneuvering and providing me with joy just to watch it. Then came the question if it ever missed being a caterpillar? I am confident that if it could communicate to me, it would say no.
That caterpillar - limited by the ground or only where his feet would allow him to go. Trudging slowly along wherever he went, he was prey to anything that could come along and stomp him underfoot.
That day - the day the change happened for him. He was thrown into a world he had known nothing about before. Changes took place in his little body that, had he human emotions, would have frightened and panicked him as he felt like all control had been lost.
The struggle - the process of coming out of the cocoon to be revealed as a butterfly. The story is told of a man who watched this process happening. He watched the butterfly struggling and struggling to break the cocoon away from himself so that he could be free. The man felt pity for the little butterfly and helped to break away the cocoon to free him. When the butterfly came out, his wings were crippled and he could not fly. The man asked an authority why this had happened and was told that the struggle of breaking out of the cocoon was what strengthened the wings and allowed the butterfly to fly.
I want to not be bound by the past, by fears, by unanswered questions, by the feelings of loss or sadness, or by my own lack of faith. I want to be free. I want to fly. I know that it is in and through these struggles that I am gaining the strength that I need to be free. I know, that as I come through these struggles, a stronger wife, mother, friend and Christian, I will look back and never desire to be a caterpillar. I can already see some things, but at times my vision gets blurry.
I am so thankful for my Creator and the reminder of the butterfly to clear things up for me. Let's fly!
Today, as I watched a butterfly flutter its way around my blooming flowers, I wondered if he ever missed being a caterpillar. Somehow, in that single silly thought, lay the answer to my wonderings.
Summer is in full swing at our house. There are projects that we are trying to do, cleaning out of winter clutter, and activities to plan. There are certain traditions that we have done every summer as a family - playing in the creek, hiking in state parks, riding bikes with the children, hours of fun at playgrounds - so many things that remind me of what life was before and the reality of how it is now. Last summer, I was very pregnant, having the baby, and recovering from surgery so somehow these things didn't bother me. This summer...I feel more like my old self and am ready to go!
I try to continue to do what I can and make the adjustments to doing it differently. But it is different - sometimes so very different that the memory of it is too painful to even want to continue trying. But I must keep trying - I don't want to give in and quit.
Anyone that is paralyzed can tell you that so many things are a struggle. Paralysis is not just that you can't walk. To be honest, without going into detail, there are other things that I would rather "get back" that would be higher on a list than walking.
There are, of course, the physical struggles of wheeling yourself from point A to B. The struggles of getting up, showering, getting dressed, doing your housework, cooking, trying to keep your body healthy and functioning as it should, circulation issues, trying to avoid pressure sores, and trying to stay limber so your joints don't freeze.
There are emotional struggles. Feeling like you are a burden to those who help you - from your closest family member who helps in ways that no one else sees, to you friends who put your chair up for you in the rain while you sit in the dry car. The struggle of living with pain every day but trying to stay cheerful so you have a happy atmosphere in the home. You know, "If momma ain't happy...."! The struggle when your children come to you crying because they can't remember anymore when you walked and you convince them that we are all together and alive and that is what matters. They walk away happy and satisfied and then you cry because you feel like you have been the cause of their little broken hearts. The struggle of hearing fun activities being planned and knowing that every little detail will have to involve if you can get around in your chair or not. If it is not accessible, you are out.
Yes, the spiritual struggles. Balancing a life of faith with a fleshly body. Balancing asking God questions without demanding answers. Balancing "leaning not to my own understanding" with wanting to figure it all out. These last paragraphs have not been written to evoke pity but to make a point.
That butterfly - that beautiful butterfly, freely flying through the air. So quickly it went, wherever it wanted. No barriers. No struggle in sight. Gracefully maneuvering and providing me with joy just to watch it. Then came the question if it ever missed being a caterpillar? I am confident that if it could communicate to me, it would say no.
That caterpillar - limited by the ground or only where his feet would allow him to go. Trudging slowly along wherever he went, he was prey to anything that could come along and stomp him underfoot.
That day - the day the change happened for him. He was thrown into a world he had known nothing about before. Changes took place in his little body that, had he human emotions, would have frightened and panicked him as he felt like all control had been lost.
The struggle - the process of coming out of the cocoon to be revealed as a butterfly. The story is told of a man who watched this process happening. He watched the butterfly struggling and struggling to break the cocoon away from himself so that he could be free. The man felt pity for the little butterfly and helped to break away the cocoon to free him. When the butterfly came out, his wings were crippled and he could not fly. The man asked an authority why this had happened and was told that the struggle of breaking out of the cocoon was what strengthened the wings and allowed the butterfly to fly.
I want to not be bound by the past, by fears, by unanswered questions, by the feelings of loss or sadness, or by my own lack of faith. I want to be free. I want to fly. I know that it is in and through these struggles that I am gaining the strength that I need to be free. I know, that as I come through these struggles, a stronger wife, mother, friend and Christian, I will look back and never desire to be a caterpillar. I can already see some things, but at times my vision gets blurry.
I am so thankful for my Creator and the reminder of the butterfly to clear things up for me. Let's fly!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Each step I take....
At therapy today, I set a new record of walking 39 feet with braces. I didn't really know what Jeremy (my therapist) had in mind. We have braced up (I sound like a horse getting saddled up!) many times before and practiced standing and some steps at the parallel bars and also in this harness thing where they take like 50% of your body weight off. However, today he said "Give me a minute to go get a spotter".
He came back with a rolling walker and another therapist and said we were going to the hallway. I wish I had a camera for the scene that followed - well, no I don't because it must have really looked silly. It gave me a good laugh. Imagine me sitting in the chair with my legs sticking straight out (because they are braced). I can't go forward myself because my shoes are touching the floor and my legs won't bend to put them on the footplate. I can't pick them up myself and push myself, so Jeremy just gets in front of me and picks up my feet and the other therapist pushed me and I just set there wondering where they were taking me and what were we about to attempt. You probably had to be there but we looked really funny!
Out in the hallway, Jeremy said that we were going to see how far we could go today without bars. I was able to get up (with a little assistance - rolling walkers on linoleum is not the most secure feeling in the world!) and we were ready to go.
This is the part of the story that has inspired this post. I can't feel my feet on the floor and can't really tell where my legs are in relation to the rest of my body so I have to watch to see what is happening. Since you can't tell where your feet are, it is very hard to ever feel balanced. With the balance issue and feeling very unsure of what your lower body is going to do, I cling on for dear life to that walker! Ever so slowly, one lurching micro-step at a time, you make progress. I was focusing so intently on each step that I didn't even notice where we were in the hallway. My arms were burning, every muscle from my neck to my waist felt strained, 3 fingers on each hand were numb from gripping the walker so tight, and Jeremy said "just a tiny bit more Alicia". It was then I looked up and we were about 5 feet from a doorway. I said, "I want to pass that door." He said "Okay."
After awhile, my legs just hardly won't go anymore. The muscles just decided they have had enough and they will not do anything else. When this has happened on the parallel bars, Jeremy always takes his hand and moves the leg/foot where it needs to go and moves it forward for you. By the time, I had looked up and decided to pass that door, I was already struggling. He kept reaching down and wanting to help and I said "Jeremy, I am going to pretend to be my 2 year old. I want to do it all by myself." So, he was patient with me and let me try.
I didn't think I would make it those last 3 feet - literally the width of that doorway. It took about 10 minutes, but I finally made it! I collapsed into my chair absolutely drenched and exhausted and Jeremy patted me on the back and said "Good job."
My mind has been thinking about this beautiful hymn and what it really means in our lives. Of course, music is a huge part of my life and always speaks to my heart. If only we would concentrate hard to make sure to guard each step we take. If only we would cling to our precious Savior as much as I clung on to that walker! Realizing that without it, I could do nothing! If only I tried so very hard, that every ounce of energy I had would go into a life of pleasing Christ because I have a goal in mind - not of reaching Heaven, that has been paid for by the blood of Jesus, but of hearing my Heavenly Father say to me "Good job. Well done thou good and faithful servant."
Each Step I Take
Each step I take my Saviour goes before me,
And with His loving hand He leads the way,
And with each breath I whisper "I adore Thee;"
Oh, what joy to walk with Him each day.
Ref:
Each step I take I know that He will guide me;
To higher ground He ever leads me on.
Until some day the last step will be taken.
Each step I take just leads me closer home.
At times I feel my faith begin to waver,
When up ahead I see a chasm wide.
It's then I turn and look up to my Saviour,
I am strong when He is by my side.
I trust in God, no matter come what may,
For life eternal in His hand,
He holds the key that opens up the way,
That will lead me to the promised land.
He came back with a rolling walker and another therapist and said we were going to the hallway. I wish I had a camera for the scene that followed - well, no I don't because it must have really looked silly. It gave me a good laugh. Imagine me sitting in the chair with my legs sticking straight out (because they are braced). I can't go forward myself because my shoes are touching the floor and my legs won't bend to put them on the footplate. I can't pick them up myself and push myself, so Jeremy just gets in front of me and picks up my feet and the other therapist pushed me and I just set there wondering where they were taking me and what were we about to attempt. You probably had to be there but we looked really funny!
Out in the hallway, Jeremy said that we were going to see how far we could go today without bars. I was able to get up (with a little assistance - rolling walkers on linoleum is not the most secure feeling in the world!) and we were ready to go.
This is the part of the story that has inspired this post. I can't feel my feet on the floor and can't really tell where my legs are in relation to the rest of my body so I have to watch to see what is happening. Since you can't tell where your feet are, it is very hard to ever feel balanced. With the balance issue and feeling very unsure of what your lower body is going to do, I cling on for dear life to that walker! Ever so slowly, one lurching micro-step at a time, you make progress. I was focusing so intently on each step that I didn't even notice where we were in the hallway. My arms were burning, every muscle from my neck to my waist felt strained, 3 fingers on each hand were numb from gripping the walker so tight, and Jeremy said "just a tiny bit more Alicia". It was then I looked up and we were about 5 feet from a doorway. I said, "I want to pass that door." He said "Okay."
After awhile, my legs just hardly won't go anymore. The muscles just decided they have had enough and they will not do anything else. When this has happened on the parallel bars, Jeremy always takes his hand and moves the leg/foot where it needs to go and moves it forward for you. By the time, I had looked up and decided to pass that door, I was already struggling. He kept reaching down and wanting to help and I said "Jeremy, I am going to pretend to be my 2 year old. I want to do it all by myself." So, he was patient with me and let me try.
I didn't think I would make it those last 3 feet - literally the width of that doorway. It took about 10 minutes, but I finally made it! I collapsed into my chair absolutely drenched and exhausted and Jeremy patted me on the back and said "Good job."
My mind has been thinking about this beautiful hymn and what it really means in our lives. Of course, music is a huge part of my life and always speaks to my heart. If only we would concentrate hard to make sure to guard each step we take. If only we would cling to our precious Savior as much as I clung on to that walker! Realizing that without it, I could do nothing! If only I tried so very hard, that every ounce of energy I had would go into a life of pleasing Christ because I have a goal in mind - not of reaching Heaven, that has been paid for by the blood of Jesus, but of hearing my Heavenly Father say to me "Good job. Well done thou good and faithful servant."
Each Step I Take
Each step I take my Saviour goes before me,
And with His loving hand He leads the way,
And with each breath I whisper "I adore Thee;"
Oh, what joy to walk with Him each day.
Ref:
Each step I take I know that He will guide me;
To higher ground He ever leads me on.
Until some day the last step will be taken.
Each step I take just leads me closer home.
At times I feel my faith begin to waver,
When up ahead I see a chasm wide.
It's then I turn and look up to my Saviour,
I am strong when He is by my side.
I trust in God, no matter come what may,
For life eternal in His hand,
He holds the key that opens up the way,
That will lead me to the promised land.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Perspective...
I just got home from vacation. We went to Tennessee to visit our families. We love to do this every spring because my in-laws live on a farm and it is so relaxing to go and do nothing but hang out. I always get like a little girl and get all giddy before we go. I can hardly sleep the night before we are to leave because I am so anxious and excited. I always want to drive because my hubby actually goes the speed limit and I like to go 5 over because I think we get there quicker!:)
We were on the interstate and I got behind this big semi that was hauling this huge piece of machinery. He was going up a hill and so he had really slowed down. I was in a hurry to get around him but couldn't because of the stream of traffic coming around my left. I started to get really irritated that I had to wait a few minutes longer to be able to get around this annoyingly slow semi. As I was waiting, the thought hit me, that many years ago, we would not be on a 4 lane interstate but on one lane roads and then I really would have a long wait. I thought "Alicia, you better be thankful that you only have to wait a couple of minutes and then you can get around this big guy. Be thankful you have the extra lanes to safely do that." Well, that got me to thinking some more - about our perspective.
I get aggravated because of obstacles that get in my way. I get aggravated at building designers and such for not thinking about people in a chair. My own local pharmacy here in town has 2 steps to get in their door! I'm sorry but that doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that eventually someone in a wheelchair might need to go to the drugstore! I have said myself "Good grief. Don't they know this is 2010!" But if you compare it to where we were years ago with this stuff, we have come a long way. Many advances and improvements have been made for wheelchair users.
I don't like being in a wheelchair, but I am thankful for it. If I didn't have it, I would be stuck in bed all day long! So, no, "they" don't have it all figured out, but I am glad for all that we do have to help us, sports we can play, support groups we can join, public voices that can be heard for our sakes (Christopher Reeve), and the internet, blogs and Facebook (smile) to keep us all connected.
Not thrilled with getting behind slow semi's, but glad for the extra lane to pass him with. Just the way you look at it I guess.
We were on the interstate and I got behind this big semi that was hauling this huge piece of machinery. He was going up a hill and so he had really slowed down. I was in a hurry to get around him but couldn't because of the stream of traffic coming around my left. I started to get really irritated that I had to wait a few minutes longer to be able to get around this annoyingly slow semi. As I was waiting, the thought hit me, that many years ago, we would not be on a 4 lane interstate but on one lane roads and then I really would have a long wait. I thought "Alicia, you better be thankful that you only have to wait a couple of minutes and then you can get around this big guy. Be thankful you have the extra lanes to safely do that." Well, that got me to thinking some more - about our perspective.
I get aggravated because of obstacles that get in my way. I get aggravated at building designers and such for not thinking about people in a chair. My own local pharmacy here in town has 2 steps to get in their door! I'm sorry but that doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that eventually someone in a wheelchair might need to go to the drugstore! I have said myself "Good grief. Don't they know this is 2010!" But if you compare it to where we were years ago with this stuff, we have come a long way. Many advances and improvements have been made for wheelchair users.
I don't like being in a wheelchair, but I am thankful for it. If I didn't have it, I would be stuck in bed all day long! So, no, "they" don't have it all figured out, but I am glad for all that we do have to help us, sports we can play, support groups we can join, public voices that can be heard for our sakes (Christopher Reeve), and the internet, blogs and Facebook (smile) to keep us all connected.
Not thrilled with getting behind slow semi's, but glad for the extra lane to pass him with. Just the way you look at it I guess.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Bittersweet....March 12, 2009
I love dark chocolate. I love the sweet taste with that subtle touch of bitter. It makes a most pleasant treat. That is sort of how I feel about this date. There have been so many things that have been sweet and precious to me this past year since becoming paralyzed, but it still has the slightly bitter side that can't be denied.
This week I have been reflecting on a lot of things in my mind and you will have to forgive me if I sound like I am rambling in this note. Jimmy asked me today "Does it seem like it has been one year?" My answer - "It depends on the day you ask me that!" Sometimes, it seems like this year has passed so quickly and so many changes! Other times though, like when I am frustrated because I can't quite reach that crumb I am trying to sweep up, it seems like it has been 100 years!
I have been thinking about where I was last year at this time. I was 5 months pregnant. I had already been seeing doctors and we were trying to figure out what in the world was going on with me. I became paralyzed overnight and we were so scared not knowing what it meant for me, for our baby, for our family's future, would the paralysis keep going up, would I die, how do you have a baby, how do you take care of a baby, how do you take care of my other children and be the wife and mother I need to be. There were so many unanswered questions and fears.
The questions and fears were on our minds, but then you had daily life to try to live. I had to relearn everything it seemed. Things like getting dressed, going to the restroom, getting in your chair, getting into a vehicle, maneuvering your home, your kitchen, and your chores. So many of these things that you learned in toddlerhood!! You feel so dependent - like you have become a baby all over again with everyone helping you on everything. I thought my driving days were over. I did not know people could drive and be paralyzed!! There was so much I didn't know! These were all bitter things and things like this still pop up and you have your "growling" moments but they are not as often as they used to be!
When I look back now, I see how much I have learned!! I remember when I first would go out, maybe to Wal-Mart or something, and it would be time for me to get out of the chair and into the van or vice versa. I would look all around and make sure nobody was watching. If someone was walking through the parking lot, I would just sit and wait. Jimmy would say "Get in" and I would say "Wait a minute". He would say "Why?" I would say, "BECAUSE!! There are people walking by - just wait a minute!!!!" Of course, he would wait patiently and never gripe while I sat and waited for the parking lot to clear. I was so self-conscious about it! Now, I am like yelling across the parking lot, "Hey, everybody!! Look what this cool crip can do!! Bet you never knew that we could get in and out of cars all by ourselves did you?":) I really don't yell that but it doesn't bother me at all and actually, I never even think about it. Well...there was a time a couple of weeks ago that the old man parked next to me in a handicap spot and I was putting my chair together to get out and go in the store. He got out of his truck, and wobbled very precariously over to me and said "Is there something I can do to help you?" I thought, "Yes, please go very carefully back to your vehicle and sit down before you fall and then we will have some real problems!!" I actually just smiled, thanked him and told him that I had it all under control. It was sweet to know that chivalry had not died! But, I did think about it that day that people do watch but I had forgotten that.
The daily part of life - getting ready every day, getting chores done, cooking and cleaning, taking care of the baby (who survived all of this just fine), taking care of the other children, still loving my hubby and trying every day to somehow compensate for all he does for me - this is all just our "normal" life now. We were at a park today with the children. The sidewalks did not go all the way to the play area and the whole area was covered in thick mulch (which is a major non-access substance for wheelers) and I was watching Jimmy push our children on the swing set. They were all squealing and giggling with joy while they yelled out "Watch Mommy!!" I had a twinge of sadness hit me, that I wanted to be out there playing with them. I wanted to push them again. But then I stopped, and thought, "Alicia, listen. That means life is normal. You children are happy. They are fine. You are fine. Life is good." And life is good.
I have met fabulous women who are in chairs and have been a wealth of information and encouragement to me. We have more answers about our future (well, as much as anyone else can know), the doctors don't think this will progress, they think I may recover some, therapy is going good, I have learned more about the human body and the spine and paralysis and trust me - it is complicated!! I feel much more educated and knowledge is powerful at times to controlling your fears.
So, on this date, a date that is a marker of something that has drastically changed my life, I hope that I will learn to savor this date - not dread it. To remember, that yes, life has changed but I have changed. I have grown, I have learned, and I have been enriched by those around me. My priorities have changed, new goals have been made, and I look forward to a bright and happy future. My heart has been reshaped for those with disabilities and new doors have opened for me because of mine.
God is good. He truly can take a catastrophe and use it in your life. I am looking forward to another year!!
This week I have been reflecting on a lot of things in my mind and you will have to forgive me if I sound like I am rambling in this note. Jimmy asked me today "Does it seem like it has been one year?" My answer - "It depends on the day you ask me that!" Sometimes, it seems like this year has passed so quickly and so many changes! Other times though, like when I am frustrated because I can't quite reach that crumb I am trying to sweep up, it seems like it has been 100 years!
I have been thinking about where I was last year at this time. I was 5 months pregnant. I had already been seeing doctors and we were trying to figure out what in the world was going on with me. I became paralyzed overnight and we were so scared not knowing what it meant for me, for our baby, for our family's future, would the paralysis keep going up, would I die, how do you have a baby, how do you take care of a baby, how do you take care of my other children and be the wife and mother I need to be. There were so many unanswered questions and fears.
The questions and fears were on our minds, but then you had daily life to try to live. I had to relearn everything it seemed. Things like getting dressed, going to the restroom, getting in your chair, getting into a vehicle, maneuvering your home, your kitchen, and your chores. So many of these things that you learned in toddlerhood!! You feel so dependent - like you have become a baby all over again with everyone helping you on everything. I thought my driving days were over. I did not know people could drive and be paralyzed!! There was so much I didn't know! These were all bitter things and things like this still pop up and you have your "growling" moments but they are not as often as they used to be!
When I look back now, I see how much I have learned!! I remember when I first would go out, maybe to Wal-Mart or something, and it would be time for me to get out of the chair and into the van or vice versa. I would look all around and make sure nobody was watching. If someone was walking through the parking lot, I would just sit and wait. Jimmy would say "Get in" and I would say "Wait a minute". He would say "Why?" I would say, "BECAUSE!! There are people walking by - just wait a minute!!!!" Of course, he would wait patiently and never gripe while I sat and waited for the parking lot to clear. I was so self-conscious about it! Now, I am like yelling across the parking lot, "Hey, everybody!! Look what this cool crip can do!! Bet you never knew that we could get in and out of cars all by ourselves did you?":) I really don't yell that but it doesn't bother me at all and actually, I never even think about it. Well...there was a time a couple of weeks ago that the old man parked next to me in a handicap spot and I was putting my chair together to get out and go in the store. He got out of his truck, and wobbled very precariously over to me and said "Is there something I can do to help you?" I thought, "Yes, please go very carefully back to your vehicle and sit down before you fall and then we will have some real problems!!" I actually just smiled, thanked him and told him that I had it all under control. It was sweet to know that chivalry had not died! But, I did think about it that day that people do watch but I had forgotten that.
The daily part of life - getting ready every day, getting chores done, cooking and cleaning, taking care of the baby (who survived all of this just fine), taking care of the other children, still loving my hubby and trying every day to somehow compensate for all he does for me - this is all just our "normal" life now. We were at a park today with the children. The sidewalks did not go all the way to the play area and the whole area was covered in thick mulch (which is a major non-access substance for wheelers) and I was watching Jimmy push our children on the swing set. They were all squealing and giggling with joy while they yelled out "Watch Mommy!!" I had a twinge of sadness hit me, that I wanted to be out there playing with them. I wanted to push them again. But then I stopped, and thought, "Alicia, listen. That means life is normal. You children are happy. They are fine. You are fine. Life is good." And life is good.
I have met fabulous women who are in chairs and have been a wealth of information and encouragement to me. We have more answers about our future (well, as much as anyone else can know), the doctors don't think this will progress, they think I may recover some, therapy is going good, I have learned more about the human body and the spine and paralysis and trust me - it is complicated!! I feel much more educated and knowledge is powerful at times to controlling your fears.
So, on this date, a date that is a marker of something that has drastically changed my life, I hope that I will learn to savor this date - not dread it. To remember, that yes, life has changed but I have changed. I have grown, I have learned, and I have been enriched by those around me. My priorities have changed, new goals have been made, and I look forward to a bright and happy future. My heart has been reshaped for those with disabilities and new doors have opened for me because of mine.
God is good. He truly can take a catastrophe and use it in your life. I am looking forward to another year!!
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