In church the other day, a verse was referenced that jumped off the page to me. I underlined it in my Bible, wrote my little note beside of it like I have a habit of doing and moved on. I thought I moved on, but that verse has stayed on my mind and I catch myself thinking of it over and over.
Here is the verse: "Wherein I suffer trouble, as an evil doer, even unto bonds; but the word of God is not bound." II Timothy 2:9 Of course, we know that Paul was writing this and that at the time he penned this, he was a prisoner in Rome and shortly would lose his life for the cause of Christ. He was talking of the bonds of his prison. It is an obvious fact that since we can read that verse while holding the Word of God in our hands, that it is true - the Word of God was not bound.
I know the verse jumped off the page of my Bible to me because of what I view as my own personal bondage. Waking up in the morning and facing today in a wheelchair I can handle. Thinking about the next year or five or twenty, is at times overwhelming. Sometimes my "bond" is not only the wheelchair and the many unseen things that go with that chair, but the fears that can plague you. There is an anxiety at times that billows over you - out of nowhere - and you think "Okay, this nightmare can just stop now."
My bond, a disability, meaning that I am not able to do something like able people can. In my case, it is paralysis. For others, it could mean blindness, deafness, loss of a limb, cognitive issues, and the list could go on and on. It is so easy to develop a selfish attitude and feel sorry for your loss. It is easy to take your frustrations out on those you love. It is even easy to question "why"? It is easy for all of us to live selfishly anyway, but when you think you have a pretty good excuse and no one would blame you (they wouldn't like you either) for it, then it is even more tempting.
Maybe my thoughts on this have been exaggerated lately because our county has three elementary schools that have been re-built. The old buildings are going to be torn down and they have had an auction the last two weeks at the old school buildings. Jimmy went the first week and came home saying how ridiculous it was. The school had stairway after stairway and there was no way I could have gotten in. I thought "No problem, the next school will surely be better." So, the next week, we drove over to get a look and same problem again. Jimmy and the kids looked around and I sat in the van. Apparently, if any of the kids were in wheelchairs, they got to go to school in a modular, away from the school building and all the other kids. This steamed me up. I felt really mad for those kids. I felt really mad for me. I felt really mad!!
This is the type of scenario that can kick start the "oh-me-oh-my" mood. I do not like this mood and I know it is sinful and not pleasing to the Lord so I try to ask the Lord to help me focus on Him and change my attitude! This is when the Lord always pleasantly surprises me and thus, my verse jumping off the page at me.
This passage has spoken to my heart also. "Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. II Peter 4:12-13 "Think it not strange"? "But rejoice"? Are you kidding me!!! No, He is not kidding. God knows that this "disability" is nothing new to Jesus Christ. He has suffered all that we ever will. This likens me to Him. Isn't that what we all say we want?
This convicts my heart so because I realize more and more how worthless my words are. I can't begin to tell you how many times in my life I have prayed to be more like Christ. And now I have this new way of life, that has the potential to make me a partaker with Him in His sufferings, and I don't want it? Did I really mean what I have prayed? It humbles me. I see my humanness and frailness and I realize again and again how much I desperately need Him.
You see, I don't have to be able. He is able. He is able to do more than I could ever ask or think. I may be bound, but He is not. I am encouraged and want to encourage anyone with any sort of disability that although we may live in bonds, the Word of God is not bound. If we will only trust the Lord to use us, through our bonds, we can be instruments of Jesus Christ sharing His precious Word.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
If it's music you want to make...
Yesterday, I decided that I was going figure out how to play the piano. I haven't played because I can't do the foot pedal and anyone that plays, knows how it sounds to play without the foot pedal. I went to the music store and asked the manager if they made something for the sustaining pedal that would allow me to play. He put the foot pedal on the top of the keyboard (you know, the little black plug-in foot pedals) and said "Hey, you can hold the foot pedal with one hand while you play with the other!" I just looked at him and then said "O.....kay. Thank you very much." I am a little surprised that he made it to the manager position in a music store.
So....back to yesterday. I decided that I would play anyway without the pedal and practice my note reading/playing. I decided that I would play the Crown arrangement of My Father Planned It All.
Breakdown of the grand concert:
1. Lets move the piano bench. Problem, my knees are hitting the piano and won't go under. That's okay, let's sit too far back from the piano and lean over. Problem solved!
2. Bend fingers back and forth in dramatic flair to prepare for the grand concert.
3. Start playing the arrangement. Problem - it sounds like chopsticks. Let's hold the keys down longer while trying to maintain the flow of the arrangement. Still sounds like chopsticks.
4. Yell for Briley and ask her to pull up a chair and try to hold the foot pedal for me. Problem - she doesn't know when to go up or down. Tell her to count and lift her foot on the number 4. Uhmmm....now we have a combination of chopsticks and notes that are bunched together and sound awful.
5. Briley suggests that I nod my head at her every time she needs to lift her foot. Sounds simple enough - it's not. My brain is not that complex. I am trying to read these notes!!
6. Tell Briley thank you for her help and ask her to go into the other room with all the children.
7. Calmly take out my frustration by banging all the notes on the piano like a 2 year old and feel much better.
8. Close the piano lid and decided that the guitar is the instrument for me.
9. Get out the guitar and practice.
10. Aww....much better. Problem solved.
Moral of this story -
Life can throw you challenges. We all have them. Sometimes you can figure out a way to do things, and sometimes you can't. But don't stop trying. If it's music you want to make - then find a way to make it!!
So....back to yesterday. I decided that I would play anyway without the pedal and practice my note reading/playing. I decided that I would play the Crown arrangement of My Father Planned It All.
Breakdown of the grand concert:
1. Lets move the piano bench. Problem, my knees are hitting the piano and won't go under. That's okay, let's sit too far back from the piano and lean over. Problem solved!
2. Bend fingers back and forth in dramatic flair to prepare for the grand concert.
3. Start playing the arrangement. Problem - it sounds like chopsticks. Let's hold the keys down longer while trying to maintain the flow of the arrangement. Still sounds like chopsticks.
4. Yell for Briley and ask her to pull up a chair and try to hold the foot pedal for me. Problem - she doesn't know when to go up or down. Tell her to count and lift her foot on the number 4. Uhmmm....now we have a combination of chopsticks and notes that are bunched together and sound awful.
5. Briley suggests that I nod my head at her every time she needs to lift her foot. Sounds simple enough - it's not. My brain is not that complex. I am trying to read these notes!!
6. Tell Briley thank you for her help and ask her to go into the other room with all the children.
7. Calmly take out my frustration by banging all the notes on the piano like a 2 year old and feel much better.
8. Close the piano lid and decided that the guitar is the instrument for me.
9. Get out the guitar and practice.
10. Aww....much better. Problem solved.
Moral of this story -
Life can throw you challenges. We all have them. Sometimes you can figure out a way to do things, and sometimes you can't. But don't stop trying. If it's music you want to make - then find a way to make it!!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
New Therapy Goals
I had to cancel therapy yesterday morning because of the snow. I was really bummed about it. I had already missed a week and a half because of the holiday's and that was okay. I was just really ready to hit it again. So, when we awoke to snowy roads and salt trucks I was sad.
We are still going to therapy twice a week and Jeremy (my therapist) has given me LOTS of homework to do at home every day along with exercises I am to try to do with the E-Stim machine. From the time I wake up in the mornings, it is about an hour and a half before I come out of my room because of exercises. It is a lot of hard work but I am starting to see some pay-off especially since we have started the E-Stim machine at home every day.
For example, I have always been able to bend my toes down (since the beginning) but I can now lift them up on my right foot and I can lift them on my left foot if you tickle the bottom of my foot (I can't feel the tickle but they will lift only then - crazy I know!) If I am laying flat on my back and my knees are bent up, I can keep my right leg from flopping over on the bed and can almost lay it over slowly but I haven't quite got all the control on that once gravity is taking it down. The left leg is a different story - it is the wicked step-child! I can tell that my transfers seem easier. I don't really feel or know why but they just seem easier to me. I know I am stronger in my upper body but it seems like it is more than that so I think some muscles must be kicking in somewhere and helping although I don't know which ones. I may be dreaming on this one but it just seems like it to me. As of this week, I am able to move my legs a tiny bit (again the right one mostly) when I am sitting in my chair. This is a first because any movement I had before was only laying flat on my back where absolutely no gravity was on me. I am getting some feelings back though at this time they are not at all pleasant. If you touch my skin I cannot feel it but I feel like I can feel stuff deep in my bones. Like yesterday, about 6 inches of my left thigh bone hurt SO bad all day long and I don't have a clue why. But...it's feeling something which is more than it has been so I guess that's good. I could probably name a few more things that seem really minor but to me they are pretty major!
Having said all that, our course of therapy is changing. At the first, all of our exercises were really range of motion kind of stuff to stretch my muscles back out and stuff like that. But now, since the E-Stim machine has come into play, therapy has bloomed into a lot of trial and error kind of stuff. I think Jeremy's famous words are "Let's try this and see what happens!" I always say "Let's roll!" Every time I say that, I want to hear the theme song for Rawhide to come on in the background...."roll 'em, roll 'em, roll 'em". :) I think it would be a great dramatic effect!
So, Jeremy told me today that it was time for him to fill out his new goals for me. I asked him what they were and he said that his new goals for me were standing and walking with the parallel bars. Just hearing the words "walking with parallel bars" sent shivers down my spine! I told Jeremy that I have had some say to me "Oh! If you can move your feet, then you will be walking in no time!" and that I did not know how to reply to that. He said to say that we are working as hard as we can, and that we want to stay positive but that we also must stay realistic. He said that walking involves a LOT and that we are just not anywhere near that right now and may never be but that we are just taking one day at a time. I guess I needed to hear him say those things as much as I need to tell anyone else.
I have a lot of mixed emotions about it all. I told Jimmy I feel like my body is teasing me somewhat. Every little thing that I feel like might be coming back makes me want to panic or something and want it all back RIGHT NOW! It brings back a lot of memories of "how it used to be" and makes you crave it something awful. Even my dreams....they had all changed to me being in a wheelchair and now I am walking and standing in them again. I wake up so disappointed. I am trying very hard to balance all of this with "in whatsoever state I am therewith to be content". Because, truly I have been and still want to be. I feel like I am battling my mind with "I want it all or nothing" which is so selfish and petty. There are a lot of people who would give anything to just be able to move a toe and would think I am an idiot for agonizing over it and they would be right!
I am just going to take it all one day at a time, work as hard as I can, be thankful for every improvement and be thankful if no more improvements happen at all. I am happy that my Rock is unmoving and that He is always there for me to sort out my weird emotions and keep me on track!
If you have endured reading this to the end, thank you for your interest and prayers. I would post photos or something of progress but at this point I am too embarrassed! Maybe one day soon...:)
We are still going to therapy twice a week and Jeremy (my therapist) has given me LOTS of homework to do at home every day along with exercises I am to try to do with the E-Stim machine. From the time I wake up in the mornings, it is about an hour and a half before I come out of my room because of exercises. It is a lot of hard work but I am starting to see some pay-off especially since we have started the E-Stim machine at home every day.
For example, I have always been able to bend my toes down (since the beginning) but I can now lift them up on my right foot and I can lift them on my left foot if you tickle the bottom of my foot (I can't feel the tickle but they will lift only then - crazy I know!) If I am laying flat on my back and my knees are bent up, I can keep my right leg from flopping over on the bed and can almost lay it over slowly but I haven't quite got all the control on that once gravity is taking it down. The left leg is a different story - it is the wicked step-child! I can tell that my transfers seem easier. I don't really feel or know why but they just seem easier to me. I know I am stronger in my upper body but it seems like it is more than that so I think some muscles must be kicking in somewhere and helping although I don't know which ones. I may be dreaming on this one but it just seems like it to me. As of this week, I am able to move my legs a tiny bit (again the right one mostly) when I am sitting in my chair. This is a first because any movement I had before was only laying flat on my back where absolutely no gravity was on me. I am getting some feelings back though at this time they are not at all pleasant. If you touch my skin I cannot feel it but I feel like I can feel stuff deep in my bones. Like yesterday, about 6 inches of my left thigh bone hurt SO bad all day long and I don't have a clue why. But...it's feeling something which is more than it has been so I guess that's good. I could probably name a few more things that seem really minor but to me they are pretty major!
Having said all that, our course of therapy is changing. At the first, all of our exercises were really range of motion kind of stuff to stretch my muscles back out and stuff like that. But now, since the E-Stim machine has come into play, therapy has bloomed into a lot of trial and error kind of stuff. I think Jeremy's famous words are "Let's try this and see what happens!" I always say "Let's roll!" Every time I say that, I want to hear the theme song for Rawhide to come on in the background...."roll 'em, roll 'em, roll 'em". :) I think it would be a great dramatic effect!
So, Jeremy told me today that it was time for him to fill out his new goals for me. I asked him what they were and he said that his new goals for me were standing and walking with the parallel bars. Just hearing the words "walking with parallel bars" sent shivers down my spine! I told Jeremy that I have had some say to me "Oh! If you can move your feet, then you will be walking in no time!" and that I did not know how to reply to that. He said to say that we are working as hard as we can, and that we want to stay positive but that we also must stay realistic. He said that walking involves a LOT and that we are just not anywhere near that right now and may never be but that we are just taking one day at a time. I guess I needed to hear him say those things as much as I need to tell anyone else.
I have a lot of mixed emotions about it all. I told Jimmy I feel like my body is teasing me somewhat. Every little thing that I feel like might be coming back makes me want to panic or something and want it all back RIGHT NOW! It brings back a lot of memories of "how it used to be" and makes you crave it something awful. Even my dreams....they had all changed to me being in a wheelchair and now I am walking and standing in them again. I wake up so disappointed. I am trying very hard to balance all of this with "in whatsoever state I am therewith to be content". Because, truly I have been and still want to be. I feel like I am battling my mind with "I want it all or nothing" which is so selfish and petty. There are a lot of people who would give anything to just be able to move a toe and would think I am an idiot for agonizing over it and they would be right!
I am just going to take it all one day at a time, work as hard as I can, be thankful for every improvement and be thankful if no more improvements happen at all. I am happy that my Rock is unmoving and that He is always there for me to sort out my weird emotions and keep me on track!
If you have endured reading this to the end, thank you for your interest and prayers. I would post photos or something of progress but at this point I am too embarrassed! Maybe one day soon...:)
Friday, December 18, 2009
Nothing Between....
Today at therapy, I received an electrical stimulation machine to bring home with me and do exercises with every day. The therapist was showing me where to place the electrodes to make the muscles work. He explained once again, how the electricity runs through the electrodes and straight into the muscles to make them move. The electricity alone will make my legs stick straight out! When the machine is turned on both legs, it will make them so stiff that I am able to put weight on them and stand about half way up. It is so weird to try to move my legs on my own and not a thing happens - no matter how hard I try. I accomplish nothing. Then, the electricity turns on, and I watch my legs move and do things I cannot possibly accomplish on my own.
I got to thinking....it's amazing how that all it takes is a damaged area in your spinal cord to do some major changes! It affects every area of your life - big and little. Losing the ability to walk is just one of the things that is affected. There are so many other things that you just would never think about.
One of my very favorite (and convicting) hymns is "Nothing Between My Soul and the Savior". We think that it is the big things that break our fellowship with the Lord. The Bible talks about the "little foxes" that spoil the vines. It doesn't have to be something outlandish and major to be something between us and the Savior. But, oh how it can affect our life - every aspect of it. Things we wouldn't think of are affected. "It seems like such a little thing" we think, but the damage it can cause! A wrong choice today can yield a major problem tomorrow.
Then you have the e-stim machine. How in all my trying I can't accomplish what I want but when the power is applied things start happening. It makes me so happy to know that in my Christian life, I don't have to struggle to do everything. I just need to be a willing vessel and let the power of God work in me. If I will just let Him have His way in my life, keep an obedient heart (nothing between), His power can then work through me. I am glad that His power is able to move and work in the hearts and lives of people in spite of me! How true is the verse "I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me"!
It is also a beautiful thought how that if I have let something come between my soul and the Savior and it has caused what may seem like irreversible damage in my life, the power of God is still able to come in and take over and accomplish for us and through us what we are not able to do on our own.
I think God would have us all to be spiritually challenged, spiritually disabled, spiritually handicapped - for it is in these humbling positions that you realize how strong, capable, and dependable He is. You realize how helpless you are without Him your heart craves for "nothing between my soul and the Savior". Jesus is mine...keep the way clear...He is my all...I am resolved...I'll triumph at last - there's nothing between!!
Nothing Between
Nothing between my soul and the Savior,
Naught of this world's delusive dream;
I have renounced all sinful pleasure;
Jesus is mine, there's nothing between.
Nothing between my soul and the Savior,
So that His blessed face may be seen;
Nothing preventing the least of His favor
Keep the way clear! Let nothing between.
Nothing between, like worldly pleasure;
Habits of life, though harmless they seem,
Must not my heart from Him e'er sever;
He is my all, there's nothing between.
Nothing between, like pride or station;
Self-life or friends shall not intervene;
Though it may cost me much tribulation,
I am resolved; there's nothing between.
Nothing between, e'en many hard trials,
Though the whole world against me convene;
Watching with prayer and much self-denial,
I'll triumph at last, with nothing between.
I got to thinking....it's amazing how that all it takes is a damaged area in your spinal cord to do some major changes! It affects every area of your life - big and little. Losing the ability to walk is just one of the things that is affected. There are so many other things that you just would never think about.
One of my very favorite (and convicting) hymns is "Nothing Between My Soul and the Savior". We think that it is the big things that break our fellowship with the Lord. The Bible talks about the "little foxes" that spoil the vines. It doesn't have to be something outlandish and major to be something between us and the Savior. But, oh how it can affect our life - every aspect of it. Things we wouldn't think of are affected. "It seems like such a little thing" we think, but the damage it can cause! A wrong choice today can yield a major problem tomorrow.
Then you have the e-stim machine. How in all my trying I can't accomplish what I want but when the power is applied things start happening. It makes me so happy to know that in my Christian life, I don't have to struggle to do everything. I just need to be a willing vessel and let the power of God work in me. If I will just let Him have His way in my life, keep an obedient heart (nothing between), His power can then work through me. I am glad that His power is able to move and work in the hearts and lives of people in spite of me! How true is the verse "I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me"!
It is also a beautiful thought how that if I have let something come between my soul and the Savior and it has caused what may seem like irreversible damage in my life, the power of God is still able to come in and take over and accomplish for us and through us what we are not able to do on our own.
I think God would have us all to be spiritually challenged, spiritually disabled, spiritually handicapped - for it is in these humbling positions that you realize how strong, capable, and dependable He is. You realize how helpless you are without Him your heart craves for "nothing between my soul and the Savior". Jesus is mine...keep the way clear...He is my all...I am resolved...I'll triumph at last - there's nothing between!!
Nothing Between
Nothing between my soul and the Savior,
Naught of this world's delusive dream;
I have renounced all sinful pleasure;
Jesus is mine, there's nothing between.
Nothing between my soul and the Savior,
So that His blessed face may be seen;
Nothing preventing the least of His favor
Keep the way clear! Let nothing between.
Nothing between, like worldly pleasure;
Habits of life, though harmless they seem,
Must not my heart from Him e'er sever;
He is my all, there's nothing between.
Nothing between, like pride or station;
Self-life or friends shall not intervene;
Though it may cost me much tribulation,
I am resolved; there's nothing between.
Nothing between, e'en many hard trials,
Though the whole world against me convene;
Watching with prayer and much self-denial,
I'll triumph at last, with nothing between.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
For Your Entertainment - the Wheelchair World
It has now been 6 months since I have become paralyzed and in a wheelchair full-time. I thought, that instead of becoming mopey and sad on this momentous anniversary, that I would bring you up to speed about some things in the wheelchair world to enlighten those of you who are what “we” call “able-bodied” - hence known as AB.
There is a difference between “using” a wheelchair and “needing” a wheelchair. For the “user,” they can have all the Wal-Mart and grocery store wheelchairs out there. For those of us who “need” wheelchairs - these just will not do. Our wheelchairs cost anywhere between $1200-$6,000. They are customized to our bodies to “fit” us. They are not a one-size-fits-all. The cheap wheelchairs, although very affordable, will not work for us. I learned this valuable lesson one day at a K-Mart. I decided that the person that I was with, needed my wisdom on how to load my wheelchair and the shelves we just bought into the trunk of my car. So, there was a trusty old wheelchair with a big metal basket across the front of it that I thought I would transfer into and then be able to help put my chair into the trunk. All was mostly well, until it came time for me to then transfer out of that chair into the driver’s seat of my car. Because of the big old feet on those things, you can’t get in close to the driver’s seat because the feet hit the door. Then, when you swing the basket out of the way, it leans against the car and you can’t get around it. Then the armrests on those things are up to your shoulders so it is hard to get around that! Needless to say, thanks to the rail that is installed on the roof of my car, decent upper body strength, and a crazy Tarzan-like movement, I made it onto the door sill of my car and then onto the seat. It was very comical and I learned my lesson. Cheap wheelchairs are for those that can walk and get in and out of them. So, when you see a chair with no arms, little front wheels, low backs, and they don’t look like the ones you see at your local store - there is a good reason!!
Now, you have stumbled into the unique world of full-time wheelchair users. It isn’t every day you run into someone who uses a wheelchair all the time. Because of this, people are unfamiliar and therefore, a little uncomfortable knowing how to act or what to say. This always sends a chuckle to me and I have a very bad habit of getting tickled and then I can hardly control it. You’ve got to love the ones that talk very loud to you as they lean over and look you in the eyes. What is it that makes them think I am deaf? Or the person that pats me on the head? Or those that come and lean on the back of your chair like it is their personal perch? This is why we hate handles on our chairs! There are so many things that I want to say but I try to hold it in. When I hold it in, this starts the conversation in my head and then I get tickled at all the comebacks I am trying not to say and start laughing. While I am then sitting there laughing out loud at something that has not been said out loud, it is then I realize why they pat me on the head!
So, this moves us on into the mind of the wheelchair user. There are many things that we have to think about. Other people’s feelings are one of those things so while I am trying to deal with my own thoughts and emotions of being the only person in a store in a wheelchair, now I have to also think about your feelings as I try to deal with you. For example, I am in the doctor’s office, and after signing in, the receptionist tells you to go have a seat. I am laughing inside, but after the receptionist gives me her look of horror as she realizes what she said, I must then have to figure out how to console her. This leaves me very puzzled. I want to laugh because I already was inside, but if I laugh, then she might think I am insensitive to her look of horror. Therefore, I am stuck. Not knowing what to say or do to console the poor lady, I manage to smile and say, “Thank you.”
Then, you have the times when you are in line and someone leans over your head to get something as if you are not there. Inside of me, I want to back up real fast and squish their toes, but I don’t want to upset them so I smile and say “Excuse me.” “Excuse me” also comes into play whenever you roll up to a counter for help and the top of your head comes to the level of the counter. You really hope that they will notice a new hairline is at their station and needs attention, but instead of waiting, we will eventually say these two words.
A common problem for wheelchair users is whenever there are steps. Now, if I am home or somewhere I am really comfortable, I would just plop out of the chair and go up or down on my backside. However, this is not very ladylike in public places so you are left to the mercy of those around you. People are very kind and more than willing to help. If it is just a few steps, the decision is normally to turn you backwards, tip you way far back so that your toes are parallel with the top of your head, and thump you down one step at a time. Now, this does something to a girl’s identity. This is not the look that I am going for when I am out in public surrounded by men who are helping you get up or down the steps. I am convinced that feet are made to be lower than the head. If the steps are long, then the solution is to pick me up - chair and all - and be carried. This normally involves 3 or 4 strong guys who each grab a corner of your chair and haul you to where you need to be. So far, this has always been successful. However, in my head, as I am being tilted or carried, you are trying very hard to suppress a scream of “Please don’t drop me!!!!!” Instead, we politely say “Thank you.” All in all, although we may not have control over certain parts of our bodies, I would say that we have great mental strength. We are able to take our thoughts and completely morph them into something kind. We do this for you!! Aren’t we sweet?
A hot topic for everyone who is in a wheelchair is handicap parking spaces. Now this requires great mental discipline. For one thing, we HAVE to have these spaces. Not just for the perk of getting to park close to the door but there are real reasons. For one, we have to have the wide spaces to get in and out of our cars. Some have ramps that unfold out of their vehicles and need the space to be able to get their ramp out. Others of us, transfer in and out of our vehicles, but we need the door to open up all the way so that we can get in close to our seats so we don’t end up on the ground. So, if your car is parked in a normal spot and I am in a normal spot, I cannot get my door open all the way, therefore my chair cannot get close to the car, then I can’t transfer safely into my car and alas, I am stuck. If there are no handicap spaces available, then we have to park out in no man’s land so that we can have room to get in and out of the car and no one will park next to us. Now, this isn’t really a problem because I can roll 200 feet as easy as I can 25 feet. However, since I am vertically challenged now, we have the same problem as when I roll up to a counter. People that are backing out of their parking places cannot see me in their mirrors because I am only as tall as their trunks. This makes it dangerous for me as I roll past the trunks of many cars because I parked out in the boonies. The other problem with this is when it rains. Ever tried holding an umbrella while trying to use your arms to push yourself? It doesn’t happen. I would rather only be rained on for 25 feet than for 200! So, this leads us to who parks in these spots? We have a hard time understanding how people can park in these spots at malls and department stores and then go in and walk around for a couple hours. Hmm. I have amused myself before by going into a store (after not having found an available handicap parking spot) and seeing how many people I see in wheelchairs. Maybe once or twice have I seen someone that you can tell is a full-time user. Otherwise, they are in the electric scooters or the store chair which leads to the question that if they can walk in the store to get into one of those things than could they not have parked in the other spot and walked 5 more feet and left me with the extra space that I need? However, to be fair, I want to present their side. They did not know I was coming to the store that day. If they did, I am sure they would have given me their spot. Also, if there are so few of us, that I have a hard time spotting someone like me, then all the handicap spots would be mostly empty all the time and that would be a waste of good parking. Unless, of course, we could take a poll on how many of the cars that you see scattered along the empty back lots of stores really belong to the full-time wheelchair users. So, I have decided that to remedy this situation, I am going to ask all of the stores and restaurants I frequent, to install an automated intercom system over their parking lots. When I am ready to leave home, I will Twitter them an update and a loud call will go over all the parking lots of my town - “Alicia is coming!! Get out of her way!!”
Another topic of interest is how to be politically correct about all of this. What is my label? Am I crippled? Handicapped? Disabled? Physically impaired? Abnormal? This has been a laugh for me with some of my friends. They say they just can seem to find the one that fits. I am sure most that know me would argue that “abnormal” would have to be the most fitting but we won’t go there. I just read an article that said you are not to say that a person is “confined to a wheelchair”. They said that makes it sound like a prison sentence or something. True, we are not confined but maybe defined. That is not fair maybe but is realistic. “You know, that lady in the wheelchair” or “She can’t do that. She is in a wheelchair.” I warn my husband to be careful saying those last words. That’s all it takes for me to scale an all out attack to accomplish whatever it was that I was just told I could not do. He said he says it on purpose sometimes just for that reason. That’s good. I need pushed - no pun intended! Other times he regrets saying it! I got a wild idea that I would like to ride horses. They say it is good rehab and so I mentioned it to my dad. He looked like the idea scared him to death. He was wondering how in the world I was going to stay on that horse and I was trying to reassure him that it could be done safely. As his skeptic look increased, I finally said “Dad, what is the worst that could happen? Fall off and become paralyzed?” For some reason, he did not see the humor in that. So, my label? I don’t know. I am just me - the new me and I have always looked for humor and will continue to do so. Not because I am in a wheechair - but because a merry heart doeth good like a medicine.
There are a lot of negatives to being in a wheelchair and if we dwelt on that, we would all be depressed, so we are not going to. The point of this epic was to entertain you so that is where we are going to stay. So, in true Pollyanna fashion, and in conclusion to this meandering monologue, here are a few perks:
1. Close parking when available
2. I never have to look for a seat when I go places
3. When you accidentally run over someone’s toes, they say “I’m sorry!”
4. You can buy expensive shoes because they never wear out.
5. Going down hills feels a bit like a roller coaster. Going up...different story!
6. I hear in some circumstances, this moves you to the front of the line (amusement parks, airplanes, etc.) Not tried it yet, but I will!
7. You can look really pitiful when you start to have an argument with your hubby. This hasn’t been as effective as I had hoped.:)
8. You get really strong arms and can impress your kids. They actually think you have muscles!
9. It helps you keep the clutter picked up off your floor. It has to be moved so you can roll! Kicking a toy across the floor is no longer an option so this helps me not to procrastinate!
10. You have an instant invisible bond to any other person in a wheelchair. So, you have an
instant friend. That is always good.
I hope you have been somewhat informed and shared a chuckle with me as you have read this. I think a sense of humor and being able to find the funnies in life - even in tough circumstances - is as good for your mental health as aspirin is for a headache. Not everything is funny, but there is a lot of humor through all of this that you can find if you are willing to look for it.
Enjoy your life.....and smile!
There is a difference between “using” a wheelchair and “needing” a wheelchair. For the “user,” they can have all the Wal-Mart and grocery store wheelchairs out there. For those of us who “need” wheelchairs - these just will not do. Our wheelchairs cost anywhere between $1200-$6,000. They are customized to our bodies to “fit” us. They are not a one-size-fits-all. The cheap wheelchairs, although very affordable, will not work for us. I learned this valuable lesson one day at a K-Mart. I decided that the person that I was with, needed my wisdom on how to load my wheelchair and the shelves we just bought into the trunk of my car. So, there was a trusty old wheelchair with a big metal basket across the front of it that I thought I would transfer into and then be able to help put my chair into the trunk. All was mostly well, until it came time for me to then transfer out of that chair into the driver’s seat of my car. Because of the big old feet on those things, you can’t get in close to the driver’s seat because the feet hit the door. Then, when you swing the basket out of the way, it leans against the car and you can’t get around it. Then the armrests on those things are up to your shoulders so it is hard to get around that! Needless to say, thanks to the rail that is installed on the roof of my car, decent upper body strength, and a crazy Tarzan-like movement, I made it onto the door sill of my car and then onto the seat. It was very comical and I learned my lesson. Cheap wheelchairs are for those that can walk and get in and out of them. So, when you see a chair with no arms, little front wheels, low backs, and they don’t look like the ones you see at your local store - there is a good reason!!
Now, you have stumbled into the unique world of full-time wheelchair users. It isn’t every day you run into someone who uses a wheelchair all the time. Because of this, people are unfamiliar and therefore, a little uncomfortable knowing how to act or what to say. This always sends a chuckle to me and I have a very bad habit of getting tickled and then I can hardly control it. You’ve got to love the ones that talk very loud to you as they lean over and look you in the eyes. What is it that makes them think I am deaf? Or the person that pats me on the head? Or those that come and lean on the back of your chair like it is their personal perch? This is why we hate handles on our chairs! There are so many things that I want to say but I try to hold it in. When I hold it in, this starts the conversation in my head and then I get tickled at all the comebacks I am trying not to say and start laughing. While I am then sitting there laughing out loud at something that has not been said out loud, it is then I realize why they pat me on the head!
So, this moves us on into the mind of the wheelchair user. There are many things that we have to think about. Other people’s feelings are one of those things so while I am trying to deal with my own thoughts and emotions of being the only person in a store in a wheelchair, now I have to also think about your feelings as I try to deal with you. For example, I am in the doctor’s office, and after signing in, the receptionist tells you to go have a seat. I am laughing inside, but after the receptionist gives me her look of horror as she realizes what she said, I must then have to figure out how to console her. This leaves me very puzzled. I want to laugh because I already was inside, but if I laugh, then she might think I am insensitive to her look of horror. Therefore, I am stuck. Not knowing what to say or do to console the poor lady, I manage to smile and say, “Thank you.”
Then, you have the times when you are in line and someone leans over your head to get something as if you are not there. Inside of me, I want to back up real fast and squish their toes, but I don’t want to upset them so I smile and say “Excuse me.” “Excuse me” also comes into play whenever you roll up to a counter for help and the top of your head comes to the level of the counter. You really hope that they will notice a new hairline is at their station and needs attention, but instead of waiting, we will eventually say these two words.
A common problem for wheelchair users is whenever there are steps. Now, if I am home or somewhere I am really comfortable, I would just plop out of the chair and go up or down on my backside. However, this is not very ladylike in public places so you are left to the mercy of those around you. People are very kind and more than willing to help. If it is just a few steps, the decision is normally to turn you backwards, tip you way far back so that your toes are parallel with the top of your head, and thump you down one step at a time. Now, this does something to a girl’s identity. This is not the look that I am going for when I am out in public surrounded by men who are helping you get up or down the steps. I am convinced that feet are made to be lower than the head. If the steps are long, then the solution is to pick me up - chair and all - and be carried. This normally involves 3 or 4 strong guys who each grab a corner of your chair and haul you to where you need to be. So far, this has always been successful. However, in my head, as I am being tilted or carried, you are trying very hard to suppress a scream of “Please don’t drop me!!!!!” Instead, we politely say “Thank you.” All in all, although we may not have control over certain parts of our bodies, I would say that we have great mental strength. We are able to take our thoughts and completely morph them into something kind. We do this for you!! Aren’t we sweet?
A hot topic for everyone who is in a wheelchair is handicap parking spaces. Now this requires great mental discipline. For one thing, we HAVE to have these spaces. Not just for the perk of getting to park close to the door but there are real reasons. For one, we have to have the wide spaces to get in and out of our cars. Some have ramps that unfold out of their vehicles and need the space to be able to get their ramp out. Others of us, transfer in and out of our vehicles, but we need the door to open up all the way so that we can get in close to our seats so we don’t end up on the ground. So, if your car is parked in a normal spot and I am in a normal spot, I cannot get my door open all the way, therefore my chair cannot get close to the car, then I can’t transfer safely into my car and alas, I am stuck. If there are no handicap spaces available, then we have to park out in no man’s land so that we can have room to get in and out of the car and no one will park next to us. Now, this isn’t really a problem because I can roll 200 feet as easy as I can 25 feet. However, since I am vertically challenged now, we have the same problem as when I roll up to a counter. People that are backing out of their parking places cannot see me in their mirrors because I am only as tall as their trunks. This makes it dangerous for me as I roll past the trunks of many cars because I parked out in the boonies. The other problem with this is when it rains. Ever tried holding an umbrella while trying to use your arms to push yourself? It doesn’t happen. I would rather only be rained on for 25 feet than for 200! So, this leads us to who parks in these spots? We have a hard time understanding how people can park in these spots at malls and department stores and then go in and walk around for a couple hours. Hmm. I have amused myself before by going into a store (after not having found an available handicap parking spot) and seeing how many people I see in wheelchairs. Maybe once or twice have I seen someone that you can tell is a full-time user. Otherwise, they are in the electric scooters or the store chair which leads to the question that if they can walk in the store to get into one of those things than could they not have parked in the other spot and walked 5 more feet and left me with the extra space that I need? However, to be fair, I want to present their side. They did not know I was coming to the store that day. If they did, I am sure they would have given me their spot. Also, if there are so few of us, that I have a hard time spotting someone like me, then all the handicap spots would be mostly empty all the time and that would be a waste of good parking. Unless, of course, we could take a poll on how many of the cars that you see scattered along the empty back lots of stores really belong to the full-time wheelchair users. So, I have decided that to remedy this situation, I am going to ask all of the stores and restaurants I frequent, to install an automated intercom system over their parking lots. When I am ready to leave home, I will Twitter them an update and a loud call will go over all the parking lots of my town - “Alicia is coming!! Get out of her way!!”
Another topic of interest is how to be politically correct about all of this. What is my label? Am I crippled? Handicapped? Disabled? Physically impaired? Abnormal? This has been a laugh for me with some of my friends. They say they just can seem to find the one that fits. I am sure most that know me would argue that “abnormal” would have to be the most fitting but we won’t go there. I just read an article that said you are not to say that a person is “confined to a wheelchair”. They said that makes it sound like a prison sentence or something. True, we are not confined but maybe defined. That is not fair maybe but is realistic. “You know, that lady in the wheelchair” or “She can’t do that. She is in a wheelchair.” I warn my husband to be careful saying those last words. That’s all it takes for me to scale an all out attack to accomplish whatever it was that I was just told I could not do. He said he says it on purpose sometimes just for that reason. That’s good. I need pushed - no pun intended! Other times he regrets saying it! I got a wild idea that I would like to ride horses. They say it is good rehab and so I mentioned it to my dad. He looked like the idea scared him to death. He was wondering how in the world I was going to stay on that horse and I was trying to reassure him that it could be done safely. As his skeptic look increased, I finally said “Dad, what is the worst that could happen? Fall off and become paralyzed?” For some reason, he did not see the humor in that. So, my label? I don’t know. I am just me - the new me and I have always looked for humor and will continue to do so. Not because I am in a wheechair - but because a merry heart doeth good like a medicine.
There are a lot of negatives to being in a wheelchair and if we dwelt on that, we would all be depressed, so we are not going to. The point of this epic was to entertain you so that is where we are going to stay. So, in true Pollyanna fashion, and in conclusion to this meandering monologue, here are a few perks:
1. Close parking when available
2. I never have to look for a seat when I go places
3. When you accidentally run over someone’s toes, they say “I’m sorry!”
4. You can buy expensive shoes because they never wear out.
5. Going down hills feels a bit like a roller coaster. Going up...different story!
6. I hear in some circumstances, this moves you to the front of the line (amusement parks, airplanes, etc.) Not tried it yet, but I will!
7. You can look really pitiful when you start to have an argument with your hubby. This hasn’t been as effective as I had hoped.:)
8. You get really strong arms and can impress your kids. They actually think you have muscles!
9. It helps you keep the clutter picked up off your floor. It has to be moved so you can roll! Kicking a toy across the floor is no longer an option so this helps me not to procrastinate!
10. You have an instant invisible bond to any other person in a wheelchair. So, you have an
instant friend. That is always good.
I hope you have been somewhat informed and shared a chuckle with me as you have read this. I think a sense of humor and being able to find the funnies in life - even in tough circumstances - is as good for your mental health as aspirin is for a headache. Not everything is funny, but there is a lot of humor through all of this that you can find if you are willing to look for it.
Enjoy your life.....and smile!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Do I Trust Him?
After the panic I felt last Sunday when I had the vertigo so bad, and having had so many complications and not knowing what was about to happen next, this week led me to some heart-searching questions.
I have purposed to be 100% honest on this blog. Knowing that I am human and full of my flesh and pride, it is easy to talk of the spiritual victories the Lord has given me and to share of the many special "graces" that He has shown me along the way. All of that is fine and good, but life is not all spiritual victories. So I want to be honest and share the struggles along the way also.
Last Sunday, as silly as it seem now, scared me to death and for the first time, since all of this, I felt panic, fear and discouragement. I knew the spinning room was not killing me - my heart was beating and I was breathing just fine - but it was the fear of the next minute. Not knowing what was wrong, not knowing what was about to happen. Was I about to become paralyzed from my neck down? Was I going to die? What was wrong? Fear filled my heart and I did not even want Jimmy to leave me for a second!! I have described these feelings in my earlier post about it, but I wanted to go there again because these feelings led me to questions once I had calmed down.
By the time the room had stopped spinning, my mind began to spin with these questions: How can I say I trust the Lord when I was so afraid? If I truly am ready to die and go to Heaven, then how come I want to live so badly and don't want to die? If I believe the Lord is control, why do I fear? If I am to be a joyful Christian and have a good testimony for the Lord, then why I am I struggling with feeling like I am getting discouraged and can't do this? If I feel like the Lord has given me something and His grace will be sufficient, then why I am suddenly panicked - not knowing what the future holds? If I have been through many of these questions in my mind already and feel like I found answers, then why in the world am I asking them again?!!!!
I have found answers this week and they have come in a variety of ways.Here are some of the ways that have helped me this week to answer some of these questions:
1. I talked to Jimmy. I always talk to my wise hubby about these things. He already told me I wasn't allowed to get discouraged so I knew that was out of the question.:) Seriously, I did talk to him because I know that he will always tell me the truth - even if I don't like the answer. So, we talked. After talking to him, I felt a little more settled in my heart knowing that he did not think I was a spiritual baby and that he shared fears of the unknown also. We know that we must trust the Lord - in good and bad - and even though it is hard to do, it does not change the fact that we must. His strong faith in God is what I need to hear often to remind my more female and emotional heart to not fear what is around me but to trust Who is in me.
2. I prayed. I asked the Lord to help me - not only physically but emotionally. I told Him I was afraid. I asked Him to calm me down. I asked Him to help my scared hubby and children. I asked Him to please help me to be strong and be a testimony for Him and not to fail Him. I prayed verses to Him - "When I am afraid, I will trust in Him." "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" "Yea, though I walk through the valley...I will fear no evil for THOU art with me." Every verse I could think of, I prayed to Him. Not that He needed reminded - I did and it helped to talk to my Heavenly Father about it.
3. I got online this week and found Joni Erickson Tada's website. On it, she has a TV series where she interviews people with disabilities that are Christians and to hear their testimonies, and how they love and trust the Lord, but still have fears helped me to know that I was not alone.
4. Music!! Music has always moved me. I will not say spiritually because quite frankly, I can get pretty sappy about Little House on the Prairie when the right music is behind it!! The power of godly words with Christ-honoring music set behind them, stirs my heart. Or just an instrumental of the old hymns playing as the words run through my mind calms my heart so much. I have sat and listened to some songs over and over and they just keep blessing me.
5. Going to church!! Really, when God tells us not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together that we may edify one another is really so true. I know when you are sick, you cannot help not being able to go to church but going back last Sunday was SO encouraging. Hearing the songs, the preaching of God's Word, the fellowship of believers - it was all so encouraging. I do not know why people choose to not go to church. Not me - I need it!!
These things all helped me this week in answering my questions.
How can I say I trust the Lord when I was so afraid?
Because it is through fear that our trust is tested. It is easy to trust when things are easy. It is in the fearful times, that we choose to trust or not.
If I truly am ready to die and go to Heaven, then how come I want to live so badly and don't want to die?
Because the human nature comes with an instinct for survival. If my head was under water, I would not stay there trusting the Lord. I would try to swim. I enjoy my life, and I enjoy living. Heaven will be wonderful, but earth is good too as we live for Christ. I want to do so much more for Christ - I don't think that is a bad thing. I want to meet my Lord with more than I have right now.
If I believe the Lord is control, why do I fear?
Because knowing that He is in control and letting Him control are two different things. My flesh and spirit always struggle and in my spirit I know that I want Him to be in control but in my flesh (which is weak) I want to call the shots. But, His ways are not my ways and therefore, when I should trust, I fear.
If I am to be a joyful Christian and have a good testimony for the Lord, then why I am I struggling with feeling like I am getting discouraged and can't do this?
Because I am learning that it is not about me at all. It is through my weakness and struggles that the Lord uses to strengthen us. An internal strength that can only come from the Lord - beyond words or personality. Our inner strength is from looking up - not looking in.
If I feel like the Lord has given me something and His grace will be sufficient, then why I am suddenly panicked - not knowing what the future holds?
Because I don't see the tomorrows. Reminding myself over and over though that He does, is what trusting is all about. No matter what changes happen in our lives, He never changes and therefore He is so trustworthy.
If I have been through many of these questions in my mind already and feel like I found answers, then why in the world am I asking them again?!!!!
Because I am human and so cocky and confident at times. These "rapids" in my river of life, help me to realize how truly weak and needy that I am. They knock a cog out of your wheel to let you see that you really don't have it as much together as you thought you did and how desperate you need Him. I am not getting worse and worse, I just need Him more and more. These times show me this.
I hope that I will not have to learn this lesson over and over but I know that I will. We have to die to our flesh daily and I know that it is in my flesh that I struggle to truly trust Him. It is my prayer that I will stay close in fellowship to the Lord so that the spirit will be stronger than the flesh and will win more battles!
Please, help me pray for this.
I have purposed to be 100% honest on this blog. Knowing that I am human and full of my flesh and pride, it is easy to talk of the spiritual victories the Lord has given me and to share of the many special "graces" that He has shown me along the way. All of that is fine and good, but life is not all spiritual victories. So I want to be honest and share the struggles along the way also.
Last Sunday, as silly as it seem now, scared me to death and for the first time, since all of this, I felt panic, fear and discouragement. I knew the spinning room was not killing me - my heart was beating and I was breathing just fine - but it was the fear of the next minute. Not knowing what was wrong, not knowing what was about to happen. Was I about to become paralyzed from my neck down? Was I going to die? What was wrong? Fear filled my heart and I did not even want Jimmy to leave me for a second!! I have described these feelings in my earlier post about it, but I wanted to go there again because these feelings led me to questions once I had calmed down.
By the time the room had stopped spinning, my mind began to spin with these questions: How can I say I trust the Lord when I was so afraid? If I truly am ready to die and go to Heaven, then how come I want to live so badly and don't want to die? If I believe the Lord is control, why do I fear? If I am to be a joyful Christian and have a good testimony for the Lord, then why I am I struggling with feeling like I am getting discouraged and can't do this? If I feel like the Lord has given me something and His grace will be sufficient, then why I am suddenly panicked - not knowing what the future holds? If I have been through many of these questions in my mind already and feel like I found answers, then why in the world am I asking them again?!!!!
I have found answers this week and they have come in a variety of ways.Here are some of the ways that have helped me this week to answer some of these questions:
1. I talked to Jimmy. I always talk to my wise hubby about these things. He already told me I wasn't allowed to get discouraged so I knew that was out of the question.:) Seriously, I did talk to him because I know that he will always tell me the truth - even if I don't like the answer. So, we talked. After talking to him, I felt a little more settled in my heart knowing that he did not think I was a spiritual baby and that he shared fears of the unknown also. We know that we must trust the Lord - in good and bad - and even though it is hard to do, it does not change the fact that we must. His strong faith in God is what I need to hear often to remind my more female and emotional heart to not fear what is around me but to trust Who is in me.
2. I prayed. I asked the Lord to help me - not only physically but emotionally. I told Him I was afraid. I asked Him to calm me down. I asked Him to help my scared hubby and children. I asked Him to please help me to be strong and be a testimony for Him and not to fail Him. I prayed verses to Him - "When I am afraid, I will trust in Him." "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" "Yea, though I walk through the valley...I will fear no evil for THOU art with me." Every verse I could think of, I prayed to Him. Not that He needed reminded - I did and it helped to talk to my Heavenly Father about it.
3. I got online this week and found Joni Erickson Tada's website. On it, she has a TV series where she interviews people with disabilities that are Christians and to hear their testimonies, and how they love and trust the Lord, but still have fears helped me to know that I was not alone.
4. Music!! Music has always moved me. I will not say spiritually because quite frankly, I can get pretty sappy about Little House on the Prairie when the right music is behind it!! The power of godly words with Christ-honoring music set behind them, stirs my heart. Or just an instrumental of the old hymns playing as the words run through my mind calms my heart so much. I have sat and listened to some songs over and over and they just keep blessing me.
5. Going to church!! Really, when God tells us not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together that we may edify one another is really so true. I know when you are sick, you cannot help not being able to go to church but going back last Sunday was SO encouraging. Hearing the songs, the preaching of God's Word, the fellowship of believers - it was all so encouraging. I do not know why people choose to not go to church. Not me - I need it!!
These things all helped me this week in answering my questions.
How can I say I trust the Lord when I was so afraid?
Because it is through fear that our trust is tested. It is easy to trust when things are easy. It is in the fearful times, that we choose to trust or not.
If I truly am ready to die and go to Heaven, then how come I want to live so badly and don't want to die?
Because the human nature comes with an instinct for survival. If my head was under water, I would not stay there trusting the Lord. I would try to swim. I enjoy my life, and I enjoy living. Heaven will be wonderful, but earth is good too as we live for Christ. I want to do so much more for Christ - I don't think that is a bad thing. I want to meet my Lord with more than I have right now.
If I believe the Lord is control, why do I fear?
Because knowing that He is in control and letting Him control are two different things. My flesh and spirit always struggle and in my spirit I know that I want Him to be in control but in my flesh (which is weak) I want to call the shots. But, His ways are not my ways and therefore, when I should trust, I fear.
If I am to be a joyful Christian and have a good testimony for the Lord, then why I am I struggling with feeling like I am getting discouraged and can't do this?
Because I am learning that it is not about me at all. It is through my weakness and struggles that the Lord uses to strengthen us. An internal strength that can only come from the Lord - beyond words or personality. Our inner strength is from looking up - not looking in.
If I feel like the Lord has given me something and His grace will be sufficient, then why I am suddenly panicked - not knowing what the future holds?
Because I don't see the tomorrows. Reminding myself over and over though that He does, is what trusting is all about. No matter what changes happen in our lives, He never changes and therefore He is so trustworthy.
If I have been through many of these questions in my mind already and feel like I found answers, then why in the world am I asking them again?!!!!
Because I am human and so cocky and confident at times. These "rapids" in my river of life, help me to realize how truly weak and needy that I am. They knock a cog out of your wheel to let you see that you really don't have it as much together as you thought you did and how desperate you need Him. I am not getting worse and worse, I just need Him more and more. These times show me this.
I hope that I will not have to learn this lesson over and over but I know that I will. We have to die to our flesh daily and I know that it is in my flesh that I struggle to truly trust Him. It is my prayer that I will stay close in fellowship to the Lord so that the spirit will be stronger than the flesh and will win more battles!
Please, help me pray for this.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Alive!!
I am alive!! After yesterday, I wasn't sure if I would be or not - honestly. Yesterday was one of the scariest days of my life. My room would not quit spinning and when I closed my eyes, I would not stop spinning. It was like someone had you on one of those merry-go-rounds, and would spin you so fast, you could only lay down and hope it would stop. Except, you knew you were laying perfectly still and it still wouldn't stop. With everything else that has been going on, I did not know what was happening.
I was terrified for Jimmy to leave me for even a second because I could not even move my eyeballs without my head going crazy. We called the neurologist and the one on call said he just thought it was vertigo and to lay still and drink plenty of fluids. I had no other choice anyway. I don't even think I could have moved if I had wanted to.
They had me on a blood thinner for the last 4 months because of the risk of blood clots with me being paralyzed and pregnant. The OB dr. said that I was to stay on them for at least 6 weeks post partum because the risk is still high. But...when I had the hematoma they had to stop the blood thinner so the bleeding could be controlled. This had us worried that it may not really be vertigo but me trying to have a stroke instead. After waking up paralyzed overnight and no one knowing why yet, I think that a toothache will just about send me into a panic!! I try very hard to stay calm, and really, through all of these complications, I have. But yesterday was different....I though there was something bad going on in my head and I was very, very scared.
Since my heart rate has been low and erratic (since going off of the blood thinner), then I got to thinking that might be the problem.There is a lady in our church that had a stroke some time ago, and she came to the house and asked Jimmy to please get me on a blood thinner. She felt that all the symptoms I was having sounded like a stroke and not just vertigo. Since I still had blood thinner shots still here at the house, we made an executive decision to take one last night. When I took one, my heart rate was 50.
As of this morning, my heart rate is up and I feel better. If I am laying down and turn my head to either side, I get very sick feeling and it all happens again. However, if I sit up I can turn my head and I feel weak, but not sick or everything spinning out of control. We can't help but think the blood thinner has helped and we are asking our doctors to check into this.
I cannot thank you enough for all of your prayers. Yesterday morning when all this was happening, I told Jimmy "Honey, I think I am going to get discouraged." He said "No, Alicia, you can't do that. You stay strong." I did not feel strong. I felt weak and very vulnerable. I felt like I didn't know if I could handle one more thing. In the afternoon, I awoke out of my sleep with these words running through my mind "Not what I wish to be, or where I wish to go, for who am I, that I should choose my way? The Lord knows best for me, tis better far I know...." I have the tune for these words also in my head but this is all I remember of it. I think it is an old hymn about missions. Please, if any of you know what this song is, let me know. However, I knew the Lord had put that in my heart to encourage me and let me know that He was choosing my way and that He was with me and had not forgotten me. This "nugget" from the Lord, helped me so much and once again peace filled my heart.
Please continue to keep me in your prayers. I feel selfish asking this of you but it is such an encouragement knowing that all over your dear friends and family are bringing you to the Lord. I feel so very loved on by all of you and I cannot thank you enough for that.
I love you all!
I was terrified for Jimmy to leave me for even a second because I could not even move my eyeballs without my head going crazy. We called the neurologist and the one on call said he just thought it was vertigo and to lay still and drink plenty of fluids. I had no other choice anyway. I don't even think I could have moved if I had wanted to.
They had me on a blood thinner for the last 4 months because of the risk of blood clots with me being paralyzed and pregnant. The OB dr. said that I was to stay on them for at least 6 weeks post partum because the risk is still high. But...when I had the hematoma they had to stop the blood thinner so the bleeding could be controlled. This had us worried that it may not really be vertigo but me trying to have a stroke instead. After waking up paralyzed overnight and no one knowing why yet, I think that a toothache will just about send me into a panic!! I try very hard to stay calm, and really, through all of these complications, I have. But yesterday was different....I though there was something bad going on in my head and I was very, very scared.
Since my heart rate has been low and erratic (since going off of the blood thinner), then I got to thinking that might be the problem.There is a lady in our church that had a stroke some time ago, and she came to the house and asked Jimmy to please get me on a blood thinner. She felt that all the symptoms I was having sounded like a stroke and not just vertigo. Since I still had blood thinner shots still here at the house, we made an executive decision to take one last night. When I took one, my heart rate was 50.
As of this morning, my heart rate is up and I feel better. If I am laying down and turn my head to either side, I get very sick feeling and it all happens again. However, if I sit up I can turn my head and I feel weak, but not sick or everything spinning out of control. We can't help but think the blood thinner has helped and we are asking our doctors to check into this.
I cannot thank you enough for all of your prayers. Yesterday morning when all this was happening, I told Jimmy "Honey, I think I am going to get discouraged." He said "No, Alicia, you can't do that. You stay strong." I did not feel strong. I felt weak and very vulnerable. I felt like I didn't know if I could handle one more thing. In the afternoon, I awoke out of my sleep with these words running through my mind "Not what I wish to be, or where I wish to go, for who am I, that I should choose my way? The Lord knows best for me, tis better far I know...." I have the tune for these words also in my head but this is all I remember of it. I think it is an old hymn about missions. Please, if any of you know what this song is, let me know. However, I knew the Lord had put that in my heart to encourage me and let me know that He was choosing my way and that He was with me and had not forgotten me. This "nugget" from the Lord, helped me so much and once again peace filled my heart.
Please continue to keep me in your prayers. I feel selfish asking this of you but it is such an encouragement knowing that all over your dear friends and family are bringing you to the Lord. I feel so very loved on by all of you and I cannot thank you enough for that.
I love you all!
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