It has been over a week since I posted last and almost 2 weeks since waking up on "that" day on March 12th. Time has a way of sorting things out a bit so I thought I better offer an update and share where my heart is now.
One thing that Jimmy and I have talked about is the "shock" value of all of this. It has just taken everyone off guard so. Our church has pulled together like you wouldn't believe. It has been so precious to see God's people respond in our time of need. Jimmy was thanking the church Sunday and said that there is no hidden clause anywhere that says a church has to treat their Pastor's family so wonderfully but they do anyway and that is true Christian love. We are so honored to serve the Lord here with them. As for me, I believe that the shock value hasn't been as severe on me as it has been on everyone else. I know that may sound crazy, but I feel like I have been living in this body all year and felt it going downhill. My legs had been getting weaker and weaker for months now and I had already told Jimmy that if something didn't slow down that I was really worried for where I was headed. I just didn't expect it to be so extreme suddenly. Also, I have been in a lot of pain all year. Since this has happened, my pain is completely gone in my legs. Either that, or I can't feel it, I don't know. But I do know that it has been so wonderful not to live in extreme pain every day. So, I count that as a blessing out of all of this. Overall though, life has a way of moving on and you learn to adjust with it.
I started therapy on Friday. The therapist was a very nice guy named Mark. He did a very long assessment on me and for now, I do not have anything at all in my legs. I am able to bend my toes down but I can not lift them back up. Of course, he had a name for that but I don't remember. He talked to me that his first job was to educate the patient but he could tell that I knew some about MS. He stuttered about for awhile about how we were going to proceed and what the priorities would be. After stumbling over his words and talking about "home modifications" and "proper fitting wheelchairs" I asked him if he was trying to tell me that this was probably more permanent than temporary. He said that yes that was what he was trying to say but he did not want to be the bearer of bad news. I assured him that I already knew this to be a realistic possibility. He said he was glad that I knew that because it made the rest of our discussion much easier. He said that it was probable that I could regain something but things would never be the same. So, the course of action for now is to keep working on the house and making some needed changes. Also, getting a proper wheelchair that will enable me to be more independent is in the works.
Physically, every day is met with new challenges that you never think about. From not being able to see in any mirror in the house to do your hair and make-up, to your almost 2 yr old telling you "NO!" and running and hiding in a hole where you can't reach her and trying to stay consistent with discipline!! Some of the challenges are frustrating and others are very, very funny. Boredom has now become my best friend and is always with me. I am looking forward to the new wheelchair that I will be able to spend all my time in and be comfortable. Then, I will be able to explore new things. The one I am using now is very uncomfortable and hurts my back a lot after just a little while so I sit in my "comfy" chair in my living room. There I feel pretty much stuck. This is kind of hard on this once active girl. With the new chair, I hope to be active once again!
Emotionally, I am so thankful for the Lord's presence in my life. I never realized how terribly important a personal relationship with the Lord is, until this has happened. I mean, I knew it was important and wanted one, but the impact it has on your life in a severe trial, I never understood how important it would be. On Tuesday, March 10, in my daily Bible reading, I read Ps. 119:71. It says "It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes." That verse had jumped out at me that day, and I had underlined it and wrote beside it "Lord, help me to always view it this way" and had dated and signed my initials. The next day was when I was so terribly sick and slept almost all day, and then I woke up Thursday paralyzed from my waist down. Looking back, I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord gave me that verse to help prepare me. I think that is so precious of Him. I keep thinking to myself "What if I had skipped my Bible reading that day?" I know that my happiness and the joy of the Lord in my life and our home is not in the conditions of the future. I don't want to feel like "I know God can heal me and I have faith that He can do this so I am trusting in that!" While I do know that He can heal me if He wants to, I want to trust Him now, today, no matter what happens. I want the joy of the Lord in my current circumstances - not in waiting for what may or may not happen. I read the other day in Heb. 4:16 "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need." It does not say we will find all of our answers or even healing, but it does say we will obtain mercy and find grace to help in our time of need. All I can say to this is a hearty AMEN!! I am so refreshed by the grace of God every day. Some days, I need a bigger dose than others but the Lord always gives me the exact prescription for that day.
This is where my faith has found its resting place. That my precious Heavenly Father loves me, and is only bringing about in my life that which will make me more Christ-like and that is my hearts desire. I only pray that I never disappoint Him - He truly has been so very good to me.
My faith has found a resting place,
Not in device nor creed;
I trust the Ever-living One,
His wounds for me shall plead.
I need no other argument,
I need no other plea;
It is enough that Jesus died,
And that He died for me.
Enough for me that Jesus saves,
This ends my fear and doubt;
A sinful soul I come to Him,
He'll never cast me out.
My heart is leaning on the Word,
The written Word of God,
Salvation by my Savior's name,
Salvation through His blood.
My great Physician heals the sick,
The lost He came to save;
For me His precious blood He shed,
For me His life He gave.
~ Eliza Hewitt
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
This post may has no title because I could not come up with just one. There are so many things running through my mind right now I don't know if I will be able to get it all out where it make sense so please bear with me.
I have already mentioned in a previous post that I have been having trouble with my legs and they seem to have been getting weaker and weaker the last 3 months. On Wednesday of last week, I was very sick with a bad spell. I slept most of the day, trying to get up for a couple of hours, and unable to stay up. I slept through church and after church was over, a couple of ladies came over to stay with my children while Jimmy took some people home. They came in to check on me and I noticed that I did not feel the blankets on my legs. I just thought since I had been in one position they were just asleep. I woke up Thursday morning though, and I was paralyzed from my waist down. I have absolutely no feeling in my legs and am not able to move them at all. I have seen my doctor and at this time, we do not know if this will be permanent or temporary. Only time will tell that. Because I am 20 weeks pregnant, this causes a complication simply because of the limitations of medications in pregnancy. There really isn't anything medicine-wise that they could do right now except a high dose treatment of steroids which my doctor does not think is safe for the baby. Even the steroids would not take away any paralysis, but if it is temporary, then it could maybe speed up the process a little. So, it is a wait and see thing. My doctor does think that it is possible that I have a more progressive form of MS, simply because every symptom that I have developed has never gone away. If that is the case, then I know that I must prepare myself that this could very well be a permanent situation. I would rather prepare my mind in that way and then be excited if it is temporary, then to constantly hope it is temporary and be disappointed and frustrated every day. I will be starting physical and occupational therapy this week. The doctor said physical therapy really won't do anything because this is not a muscle problem - so, strengthening your muscles won't do a lick of good. My muscles are fine. It is like talking to a deaf person and asking them to do something for you. They have the ability to do it, they would be able to do it if they could understand you, but since they can't hear you, they cannot complete the command. So, my brain is telling my legs what to do, but they can't "hear" it because the signal has been destroyed. He said we could try a little physical therapy though if we wanted too. Occupational therapy teaches you how to adjust your life to living in a wheelchair which I need major lessons in!
Now, as far as me and how I am doing with all of this. As you can imagine, this has been a huge shock. You know that with MS it is a possibility but I guess you never could really prepare yourself for the real deal. I could not write about this for a few days. It was all so overwhelming and I didn't know what to say. I want to be perfectly honest in my feelings and emotions.
I was sad for Jimmy and him having to take care of me. I was sad for the kids and how life will be different in so many ways for our family. I was sad for myself because every tiny thing has become a challenge - from rolling over in bed to putting my socks on. There is an element of fear in knowing that an accident has not caused this but a disease and it could take even more away in the future - but I will not let myself dwell on this and am trying to just take it one day at a time. I am thankful the Lord has given me a spunky personality because I view every obstacle as a personal challenge and I am determined to do it by myself - even though my stubbornness has been foolish a time or two. For Jimmy, he said the shock hits him in waves like when someone suddenly dies. He said that he will be going along just fine and then it will hit him that his wife cannot walk. For me, it has not hit me like that, I guess because I live with the feeling (or lack of it) every second so it is always there. It hits me in little ways, like when I bowed my head to eat Thursday and I was going to silently pray over my food. I started my prayer with "Heavenly Father, thank you for this day...." That is as far as I could get. At this point, I cannot thank God for "that" day. There are many things about the day that I can be thankful for (my kids, my hubby, the sunshine, etc.), but to be thankful for "that" day - the dreaded day that no one with MS ever wants to think about - no, I am not thankful. Not yet. Jimmy said that God says that all things work together for good - not that all things are good. The importance is to trust the Lord and He will work ALL things for good - even the things that are not good. Another time, is at church a few times yesterday. Of course, just going to church in a wheelchair was very dreaded. But, I will not sit home and hide. Life must go on. But little things like, "Would each of you stand and take your hymn book..." or singing "Wherever He Leads, I'll Go". These are the things that seem to hit me. I know this will get easier with time.
Overall though, I feel that the Lord has helped me so very much. I have tried to see each challenge as an oppurtunity to find happiness in instead of frustration. I know this may sounds suprising, and I know a lot of it has to do with my personality ( I have a hard time with sadness), but there has been much laughter in this home the last few days. There are really so many comical things that have happened - yes, I know that in reality it may be viewed as sad because of the inability to do something. but in this learning process of how to do old things a new way, there have been a lot of comical moments. I think it is helpful to the children to keep the mood light and that it is okay, we will all learn to get through this with laughter at our awkwardnesses instead of sadness and anger. The kids are doing great and loving playing in the wheelchair.
I have been absolutely overwhelmed and humbled at all the love I have received. Yesterday at church, I got many cards and hugs and kisses. The ladies of my church had a meeting and are bringing us meals for the next 3 weeks at least. One lady is paying for a massage therapist to come to my house and give me a massage. I got flowers today from a dear friend in England. Our deacon's son, who lives in Columbus, took today off from work just to go to different wheelchair stores to find out exactly what kind of wheelchair I will need to make me be able to be as independent as possible. He is going to see if they will let him bring a few home with him to try out and he is going to drive them to me so we can decide what I need. Another man owns a company that builds huge metal buildings and stuff. He is donating the lumber so we can get a ramp built for outside of the house. We have received numerous phone calls from people with "connections" who can help us get what we need. Ladies have offered to come clean, or do laundry and the blessings and love just keep pouring in. I truly feel like my "cup runneth over".
So, my dear friends, you have just read my heart as accurately as I know how to write it. Please pray for my precious family and our church. They are so dear to me and this is a difficult time for all of them. I love each of you and am so thankful that I have so many loved ones that I can pour my heart to and know you truly care and love me and will pray.
I have already mentioned in a previous post that I have been having trouble with my legs and they seem to have been getting weaker and weaker the last 3 months. On Wednesday of last week, I was very sick with a bad spell. I slept most of the day, trying to get up for a couple of hours, and unable to stay up. I slept through church and after church was over, a couple of ladies came over to stay with my children while Jimmy took some people home. They came in to check on me and I noticed that I did not feel the blankets on my legs. I just thought since I had been in one position they were just asleep. I woke up Thursday morning though, and I was paralyzed from my waist down. I have absolutely no feeling in my legs and am not able to move them at all. I have seen my doctor and at this time, we do not know if this will be permanent or temporary. Only time will tell that. Because I am 20 weeks pregnant, this causes a complication simply because of the limitations of medications in pregnancy. There really isn't anything medicine-wise that they could do right now except a high dose treatment of steroids which my doctor does not think is safe for the baby. Even the steroids would not take away any paralysis, but if it is temporary, then it could maybe speed up the process a little. So, it is a wait and see thing. My doctor does think that it is possible that I have a more progressive form of MS, simply because every symptom that I have developed has never gone away. If that is the case, then I know that I must prepare myself that this could very well be a permanent situation. I would rather prepare my mind in that way and then be excited if it is temporary, then to constantly hope it is temporary and be disappointed and frustrated every day. I will be starting physical and occupational therapy this week. The doctor said physical therapy really won't do anything because this is not a muscle problem - so, strengthening your muscles won't do a lick of good. My muscles are fine. It is like talking to a deaf person and asking them to do something for you. They have the ability to do it, they would be able to do it if they could understand you, but since they can't hear you, they cannot complete the command. So, my brain is telling my legs what to do, but they can't "hear" it because the signal has been destroyed. He said we could try a little physical therapy though if we wanted too. Occupational therapy teaches you how to adjust your life to living in a wheelchair which I need major lessons in!
Now, as far as me and how I am doing with all of this. As you can imagine, this has been a huge shock. You know that with MS it is a possibility but I guess you never could really prepare yourself for the real deal. I could not write about this for a few days. It was all so overwhelming and I didn't know what to say. I want to be perfectly honest in my feelings and emotions.
I was sad for Jimmy and him having to take care of me. I was sad for the kids and how life will be different in so many ways for our family. I was sad for myself because every tiny thing has become a challenge - from rolling over in bed to putting my socks on. There is an element of fear in knowing that an accident has not caused this but a disease and it could take even more away in the future - but I will not let myself dwell on this and am trying to just take it one day at a time. I am thankful the Lord has given me a spunky personality because I view every obstacle as a personal challenge and I am determined to do it by myself - even though my stubbornness has been foolish a time or two. For Jimmy, he said the shock hits him in waves like when someone suddenly dies. He said that he will be going along just fine and then it will hit him that his wife cannot walk. For me, it has not hit me like that, I guess because I live with the feeling (or lack of it) every second so it is always there. It hits me in little ways, like when I bowed my head to eat Thursday and I was going to silently pray over my food. I started my prayer with "Heavenly Father, thank you for this day...." That is as far as I could get. At this point, I cannot thank God for "that" day. There are many things about the day that I can be thankful for (my kids, my hubby, the sunshine, etc.), but to be thankful for "that" day - the dreaded day that no one with MS ever wants to think about - no, I am not thankful. Not yet. Jimmy said that God says that all things work together for good - not that all things are good. The importance is to trust the Lord and He will work ALL things for good - even the things that are not good. Another time, is at church a few times yesterday. Of course, just going to church in a wheelchair was very dreaded. But, I will not sit home and hide. Life must go on. But little things like, "Would each of you stand and take your hymn book..." or singing "Wherever He Leads, I'll Go". These are the things that seem to hit me. I know this will get easier with time.
Overall though, I feel that the Lord has helped me so very much. I have tried to see each challenge as an oppurtunity to find happiness in instead of frustration. I know this may sounds suprising, and I know a lot of it has to do with my personality ( I have a hard time with sadness), but there has been much laughter in this home the last few days. There are really so many comical things that have happened - yes, I know that in reality it may be viewed as sad because of the inability to do something. but in this learning process of how to do old things a new way, there have been a lot of comical moments. I think it is helpful to the children to keep the mood light and that it is okay, we will all learn to get through this with laughter at our awkwardnesses instead of sadness and anger. The kids are doing great and loving playing in the wheelchair.
I have been absolutely overwhelmed and humbled at all the love I have received. Yesterday at church, I got many cards and hugs and kisses. The ladies of my church had a meeting and are bringing us meals for the next 3 weeks at least. One lady is paying for a massage therapist to come to my house and give me a massage. I got flowers today from a dear friend in England. Our deacon's son, who lives in Columbus, took today off from work just to go to different wheelchair stores to find out exactly what kind of wheelchair I will need to make me be able to be as independent as possible. He is going to see if they will let him bring a few home with him to try out and he is going to drive them to me so we can decide what I need. Another man owns a company that builds huge metal buildings and stuff. He is donating the lumber so we can get a ramp built for outside of the house. We have received numerous phone calls from people with "connections" who can help us get what we need. Ladies have offered to come clean, or do laundry and the blessings and love just keep pouring in. I truly feel like my "cup runneth over".
So, my dear friends, you have just read my heart as accurately as I know how to write it. Please pray for my precious family and our church. They are so dear to me and this is a difficult time for all of them. I love each of you and am so thankful that I have so many loved ones that I can pour my heart to and know you truly care and love me and will pray.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Oh Love That Will Not Let Me Go
I have kind of dreaded writing this post because I am about to talk about myself negatively. Who wants to do that right? But...if this blog is about my journey with MS, I really want to be honest and not ever seem like a hypocrite and only write the great things here and never the struggles. So here goes.
Last Thursday, I started feeling pretty rotten again. We had had Ladies Meeting on Tuesday night and I went on a shopping excursion Wednesday with some of the ladies from church (even though I did more sitting then shopping - preventative medicine you know), then church Wednesday night. So, it did not surprise me when I woke up Thursday morning not feeling so great. But, I wasn't as bad as I thought I could have been with all the activity the couple days before. As the day wore on, I could feel myself getting worse and with that came a bad case of grumpies. I managed to stay pretty calm with the kids but my poor hubby. It seemed like everything he asked me, I was so snappy. I would think to myself "Why are you being so grumpy?" Thursday night, I barely got any sleep because of the pain and my legs spasming, so Friday I was grumpy again and feeling even worse. Jimmy, bless his heart, was trying to be very careful with what he said to me and I was trying not to talk because I was afraid of my own grouchiness. He had a quick appointment Friday evening in Cincinatti and asked if me and the kids wanted to ride along with him and we would eat at CiCi's Pizza. I knew that he was trying to cheer me up, and I had felt bad for the kids. I really didn't feel up to going but 5 sets of eyes were all looking at me begging to go so we went. It was sweet seeing how happy the kids were and the pizza was good, but before we ever got done eating I knew I probably shouldn't have come. By the time we got back home, I literally could hardly get back into the house. Jimmy got me in, got me ready for bed, and tucked me in. Then, he took all the kids downstairs with him to watch a movie so it would be quiet so "Mommy can rest."
I laid there, feeling like an absolute dog that I had been so grumpy with him. Why is it we take it out on the ones we love the most? I laid there, miserable and feeling sorry for myself (not a good combination). I decided that me and my Heavenly Father better have a talk. So, I started praying and thanking God for my wonderful husband. For his love and patience and compassion even when I had been ugly. I was comforted by the fact that the husband is to love his wife like Christ loved the church and how thankful I was that my precious Jimmy loved me like that. Then, I got to thinking about the Lord and His love for us. How that He loves us even when we fail Him, even when we mistreat Him, even when we ignore Him and His precious Word. He loves me anyway. His love never changes even if my heart is cold because He has perfect love. I thought about that passage that where Jesus was telling Jerusalem (who was doing so wrong) that He wanted to gather them together like a mother hen does her chicks under her wings. He wanted to "tuck them in" but they wouldn't let Him. I don't want to be like that. When He is longing to "tuck me in" I want to let Him.
I did not sleep well that night either but I did have a comfort in my heart knowing that even when I am not the Christian, or wife, or mother that I should be, He still loves me and wants to comfort me. I also went to sleep with a deeper love and appreciation for my hubby. I watched my wedding video this week and when I watched us say our vows, I cried. To hear my husband promise "in sickness or in health" was overwhelming to me. That day, we meant it but never gave it any serious thought. Today it means everything to me because he is living it.
My friend said to me that pain in our lives (whatever it may be) has a way of stripping the holiness facade from our lives and truly revealing what is in our hearts. Ouch!! I know she is right though. She said that when people have good health and everything is going well, it is easy to pretend. But when you are struggling, then the real deal comes out. My prayer is that when the pain is the worst, and the struggle is greater, that my heart can still continue to find comfort in my precious Lord. And it will, if I will turn to Him!
I am feeling a little better and hopefully my grouchiness is improving!:)
O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee,
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.
O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee,
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.
O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee,
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.
O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee,
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.
~ George Matheson
Last Thursday, I started feeling pretty rotten again. We had had Ladies Meeting on Tuesday night and I went on a shopping excursion Wednesday with some of the ladies from church (even though I did more sitting then shopping - preventative medicine you know), then church Wednesday night. So, it did not surprise me when I woke up Thursday morning not feeling so great. But, I wasn't as bad as I thought I could have been with all the activity the couple days before. As the day wore on, I could feel myself getting worse and with that came a bad case of grumpies. I managed to stay pretty calm with the kids but my poor hubby. It seemed like everything he asked me, I was so snappy. I would think to myself "Why are you being so grumpy?" Thursday night, I barely got any sleep because of the pain and my legs spasming, so Friday I was grumpy again and feeling even worse. Jimmy, bless his heart, was trying to be very careful with what he said to me and I was trying not to talk because I was afraid of my own grouchiness. He had a quick appointment Friday evening in Cincinatti and asked if me and the kids wanted to ride along with him and we would eat at CiCi's Pizza. I knew that he was trying to cheer me up, and I had felt bad for the kids. I really didn't feel up to going but 5 sets of eyes were all looking at me begging to go so we went. It was sweet seeing how happy the kids were and the pizza was good, but before we ever got done eating I knew I probably shouldn't have come. By the time we got back home, I literally could hardly get back into the house. Jimmy got me in, got me ready for bed, and tucked me in. Then, he took all the kids downstairs with him to watch a movie so it would be quiet so "Mommy can rest."
I laid there, feeling like an absolute dog that I had been so grumpy with him. Why is it we take it out on the ones we love the most? I laid there, miserable and feeling sorry for myself (not a good combination). I decided that me and my Heavenly Father better have a talk. So, I started praying and thanking God for my wonderful husband. For his love and patience and compassion even when I had been ugly. I was comforted by the fact that the husband is to love his wife like Christ loved the church and how thankful I was that my precious Jimmy loved me like that. Then, I got to thinking about the Lord and His love for us. How that He loves us even when we fail Him, even when we mistreat Him, even when we ignore Him and His precious Word. He loves me anyway. His love never changes even if my heart is cold because He has perfect love. I thought about that passage that where Jesus was telling Jerusalem (who was doing so wrong) that He wanted to gather them together like a mother hen does her chicks under her wings. He wanted to "tuck them in" but they wouldn't let Him. I don't want to be like that. When He is longing to "tuck me in" I want to let Him.
I did not sleep well that night either but I did have a comfort in my heart knowing that even when I am not the Christian, or wife, or mother that I should be, He still loves me and wants to comfort me. I also went to sleep with a deeper love and appreciation for my hubby. I watched my wedding video this week and when I watched us say our vows, I cried. To hear my husband promise "in sickness or in health" was overwhelming to me. That day, we meant it but never gave it any serious thought. Today it means everything to me because he is living it.
My friend said to me that pain in our lives (whatever it may be) has a way of stripping the holiness facade from our lives and truly revealing what is in our hearts. Ouch!! I know she is right though. She said that when people have good health and everything is going well, it is easy to pretend. But when you are struggling, then the real deal comes out. My prayer is that when the pain is the worst, and the struggle is greater, that my heart can still continue to find comfort in my precious Lord. And it will, if I will turn to Him!
I am feeling a little better and hopefully my grouchiness is improving!:)
O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee,
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.
O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee,
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.
O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee,
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.
O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee,
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.
~ George Matheson
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