This post may has no title because I could not come up with just one. There are so many things running through my mind right now I don't know if I will be able to get it all out where it make sense so please bear with me.
I have already mentioned in a previous post that I have been having trouble with my legs and they seem to have been getting weaker and weaker the last 3 months. On Wednesday of last week, I was very sick with a bad spell. I slept most of the day, trying to get up for a couple of hours, and unable to stay up. I slept through church and after church was over, a couple of ladies came over to stay with my children while Jimmy took some people home. They came in to check on me and I noticed that I did not feel the blankets on my legs. I just thought since I had been in one position they were just asleep. I woke up Thursday morning though, and I was paralyzed from my waist down. I have absolutely no feeling in my legs and am not able to move them at all. I have seen my doctor and at this time, we do not know if this will be permanent or temporary. Only time will tell that. Because I am 20 weeks pregnant, this causes a complication simply because of the limitations of medications in pregnancy. There really isn't anything medicine-wise that they could do right now except a high dose treatment of steroids which my doctor does not think is safe for the baby. Even the steroids would not take away any paralysis, but if it is temporary, then it could maybe speed up the process a little. So, it is a wait and see thing. My doctor does think that it is possible that I have a more progressive form of MS, simply because every symptom that I have developed has never gone away. If that is the case, then I know that I must prepare myself that this could very well be a permanent situation. I would rather prepare my mind in that way and then be excited if it is temporary, then to constantly hope it is temporary and be disappointed and frustrated every day. I will be starting physical and occupational therapy this week. The doctor said physical therapy really won't do anything because this is not a muscle problem - so, strengthening your muscles won't do a lick of good. My muscles are fine. It is like talking to a deaf person and asking them to do something for you. They have the ability to do it, they would be able to do it if they could understand you, but since they can't hear you, they cannot complete the command. So, my brain is telling my legs what to do, but they can't "hear" it because the signal has been destroyed. He said we could try a little physical therapy though if we wanted too. Occupational therapy teaches you how to adjust your life to living in a wheelchair which I need major lessons in!
Now, as far as me and how I am doing with all of this. As you can imagine, this has been a huge shock. You know that with MS it is a possibility but I guess you never could really prepare yourself for the real deal. I could not write about this for a few days. It was all so overwhelming and I didn't know what to say. I want to be perfectly honest in my feelings and emotions.
I was sad for Jimmy and him having to take care of me. I was sad for the kids and how life will be different in so many ways for our family. I was sad for myself because every tiny thing has become a challenge - from rolling over in bed to putting my socks on. There is an element of fear in knowing that an accident has not caused this but a disease and it could take even more away in the future - but I will not let myself dwell on this and am trying to just take it one day at a time. I am thankful the Lord has given me a spunky personality because I view every obstacle as a personal challenge and I am determined to do it by myself - even though my stubbornness has been foolish a time or two. For Jimmy, he said the shock hits him in waves like when someone suddenly dies. He said that he will be going along just fine and then it will hit him that his wife cannot walk. For me, it has not hit me like that, I guess because I live with the feeling (or lack of it) every second so it is always there. It hits me in little ways, like when I bowed my head to eat Thursday and I was going to silently pray over my food. I started my prayer with "Heavenly Father, thank you for this day...." That is as far as I could get. At this point, I cannot thank God for "that" day. There are many things about the day that I can be thankful for (my kids, my hubby, the sunshine, etc.), but to be thankful for "that" day - the dreaded day that no one with MS ever wants to think about - no, I am not thankful. Not yet. Jimmy said that God says that all things work together for good - not that all things are good. The importance is to trust the Lord and He will work ALL things for good - even the things that are not good. Another time, is at church a few times yesterday. Of course, just going to church in a wheelchair was very dreaded. But, I will not sit home and hide. Life must go on. But little things like, "Would each of you stand and take your hymn book..." or singing "Wherever He Leads, I'll Go". These are the things that seem to hit me. I know this will get easier with time.
Overall though, I feel that the Lord has helped me so very much. I have tried to see each challenge as an oppurtunity to find happiness in instead of frustration. I know this may sounds suprising, and I know a lot of it has to do with my personality ( I have a hard time with sadness), but there has been much laughter in this home the last few days. There are really so many comical things that have happened - yes, I know that in reality it may be viewed as sad because of the inability to do something. but in this learning process of how to do old things a new way, there have been a lot of comical moments. I think it is helpful to the children to keep the mood light and that it is okay, we will all learn to get through this with laughter at our awkwardnesses instead of sadness and anger. The kids are doing great and loving playing in the wheelchair.
I have been absolutely overwhelmed and humbled at all the love I have received. Yesterday at church, I got many cards and hugs and kisses. The ladies of my church had a meeting and are bringing us meals for the next 3 weeks at least. One lady is paying for a massage therapist to come to my house and give me a massage. I got flowers today from a dear friend in England. Our deacon's son, who lives in Columbus, took today off from work just to go to different wheelchair stores to find out exactly what kind of wheelchair I will need to make me be able to be as independent as possible. He is going to see if they will let him bring a few home with him to try out and he is going to drive them to me so we can decide what I need. Another man owns a company that builds huge metal buildings and stuff. He is donating the lumber so we can get a ramp built for outside of the house. We have received numerous phone calls from people with "connections" who can help us get what we need. Ladies have offered to come clean, or do laundry and the blessings and love just keep pouring in. I truly feel like my "cup runneth over".
So, my dear friends, you have just read my heart as accurately as I know how to write it. Please pray for my precious family and our church. They are so dear to me and this is a difficult time for all of them. I love each of you and am so thankful that I have so many loved ones that I can pour my heart to and know you truly care and love me and will pray.